


Burning Sun

by viii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Mpreg, Post BotFA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:15:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 104,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2299421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viii/pseuds/viii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin. 

The ramifications of this are lost on him, as he is completely wrapped up in his own sorrow and grief and cannot be moved from his brother's body, where it lays in a gold drenched room of Erebor. He can't even begin to comprehend politics at a moment like this, not when Fili lays so still and silent - attributes his brother had struggled attaining in life but come so easily in death.

It's Balin that finally comes to sit beside him, dirt and blood streaking his beard that had once been his pride and joy. He presses a dirty cloth against the gaping wound in Kili's head and he dutifully reaches up to hold it there, but it's not a concern to him. None of this is, because without Fili, who is he? Balin sits beside Kili and speaks of succession and bloodlines and responsibilities - and is Kili listening to any of this?

"No," he says softly, unable to meet the disappointed gaze he is sure to find. "I don't care about the throne right now. My place is with my brother."

“Your brother is dead, as is your uncle,” Balin says as gently as he can. “You are King now, Kili. You must come away from here and begin your duties.”

Kili blinks up at him, uncomprehending still. “Don't you understand? I need to be with him,” he says, numbly. His head feels full and fuzzy, like it's been struck too many times in a row. “He needs me.”

“Erebor needs you, lad,” Balin says, helping Kili to his feet and he slowly pulls him from the room, Kili stumbling all the while. “Fili will have a grand tomb, I promise you. I will personally over-see it. He and Thorin both will.”

“Thorin?” Kili says dumbly, turning to look behind him to where Fili still lies and it feels wrong to leave him alone there. He begins to struggle against Balin's grip, who merely tightens his grip. He has always been stronger than Kili, most dwarves are.

“Thorin has fallen,” Balin says gently but it still feels like a blow to Kili. “Thorin and Fili have both fallen and neither of them are returning. You, alone, have survived from Durin's line and you, alone, shall be King.”

It is then that Kili falls to the floor and begins to cry, it is then that he realizes that his brother and uncle are gone, they have gone together to a place that he can't follow and he is truly alone.

“Your Majesty,” Balin says, and doesn't that just make everything worse.

He cries harder and wishes, not for the first time, that he had fallen with his brother as well for at least they would still be together. Life is cruel though, and Kili still breathes.

***

It is that afternoon that Balin holds a meeting. It is the Company, or what is left of them, as well as Gandalf. They sit around a table that still has ash buried in the crevices and Kili leans back in his chair for he doesn't wish to touch it and transfer any of that ash on to his torn clothing. He has no idea if the ash used to be a dwarf, trapped in the council room when Smaug came. It is black against his finger when he accidentally brushes against it and he wipes his hand underneath his chair, feeling ill.

Distantly, he can hear voices around him and he knows that he should be listening to what is being said. They are deciding the future of Erebor and as the King, Kili should be the one to make decisions. Thorin would have never sat back and allowed Gandalf, who is not even a dwarf, make plans for the Lonely Mountain. That right alone lies with the King. And Kili is King.

King.

The word makes his stomach roil and he has to swallow deeply so he isn't sick in front of everyone. He can already feel the tiny glances the other dwarves are sending him. He knows they are concerned for him, that they truly wish to see if he is all right but he can't tolerate the attention, not now.

His head still aches but it can't be compared to the hole in his heart, to the devastating wound in his chest that thrums angrily, never giving him a moment's rest. He also hasn't slept since the Battle for not only does the pain keep him awake, the prospect of cold sheets around him do as well, for he can't remember the last time he tried to sleep without his brother's body curled around his own.

Born only five years apart, they might as well have been twins, and had certainly been raised as so. All his life, Fili had been there, and they had faced every challenge together. Fili had faced death alone, though, and that is something Kili will never be able to forgive himself for.

“They will want answers,” Balin says, his voice grave and serious, more so than usual. “Especially Dain. He has a claim to this throne, and I am afraid he will attempt to use it.”

“He cannot rule both mountains,” Dwalin says dismissively. “He would be foolish to even attempt it.”

“Do not under-estimate Dain, brother. He has his generals here who would help him see it done,” Balin retorts. “It is a battle we could not win. The Men would not aid us, for this is our fight. As long as they receive their gold, they will depart peacefully. They have no quarrel with us, nor do they have any ambitions. The same cannot be said for Dain.”

“So what do you suggest?” Gandalf asks, his hand on the shoulder of their burglar and it pains Kili to see Bilbo appear so distraught. No, Kili is not the only one who has lost something precious in this war. Kili is not the only one grieving for something that can never be soothed.

“We need to declare Kili as our rightful King, we should have done so already,” Balin says and beside him, Gloin and Dori both nod. “We will all swear fealty to him, in public, with Dain as our witness. We will give Dain the chance to do the same.”

“And if he will not?”

“Then I don't know,” Balin shakes his head. “Kili has never been raised to be King, and he knows little of the details. However, I have taught Thorin and Fili both, and I should be able to do the same for Kili.”

Kili makes a pained noise at the mention of his brother and avoids the gazes that come his way. He doesn't wish to be King, it is his birthright but not one he should ever had to accept. He knows nothing about being a King, for Thorin had never been an example to him, exiled to work among Men like a common dwarf.

He had never been given the lessons Fili had, he had focused instead of his silver work and his bow. He had been happy and secure in the knowledge that he was the spare that would lead a simple, peaceful life.

Those dreams are gone now, just like Fili.

“They will think nothing of him,” Gloin says, his voice hard. “They will dismiss him the moment they hear for he has always been the spare and everyone knows it.”

“He doesn't even have a proper beard,” Dori says and when several angry looks come his way, he hastens in his speech, “Not that I'm saying it makes Kili less of a King! But he is not the King our people have expected.”

“We have no choice,” Balin argues in return. “He is the last of the line of Durin, and he is all we have. We will work with what we have been given.”

“What of my mother?” It is the first time that Kili has spoken since Balin removed him from his brother, and he wishes that they would not look at him so surprised. He has just never had anything worthwhile to say until now. “May we bring her over from the Blue Mountains?”

“Aye, she will come, I'm sure,” Balin says gently, giving Kili a smile that he can't return. “It will take some time, of course, but she will arrive before winter.”

“If she is here, then surely my claim will not be refused?” He asks because he is so unsure of how politics work. He had been difficult to teach, as a child, and Thorin had given up on him, citing that he'd never have need of the knowledge anyway, for who could have foreseen both Thorin and Fili falling?

Certainly not Kili.

“Perhaps, but we don't have time for that,” Oin speaks up suddenly. “If anyone is going to challenge your claim, they will do it now, while you are vulnerable.”

“So what do I do?” Kili asks helplessly, looking around the table. “I am not skilled in being a diplomat, nor am I a fearsome warrior.”

“Which is why you will need one,” Gandalf says, his voice firm. “Balin, you will be the Royal Adviser. It is a position that you are familiar enough with, and will be able to carry it off convincingly.”

“Of course,” Balin says immediately. “I will do anything in my power to keep Kili safe and to keep the peace. Erebor needs to be rebuilt, we don't need another war on our doorstep.”

“No, you do not, which is why you need a warrior,” Gandalf says, his eyes roaming around the table until they settle on Dwalin, and Gandalf begins to look a little uncomfortable. “Dwalin, I pray you will forgive me for this suggestion but Kili is right, he is no warrior. Therefore, he will need one at his side. You _are_ kin, and you have been Thorin's friend since you were small.”

“I will protect Kili with my life,” Dwalin says gruffly, clenching his fists. “My loyalty should never be questioned!”

“I'm afraid I am to suggest something a little more than that,” Gandalf says, ignoring the gasp from Dori, who has comprehended quicker than the rest of them. “Kili will need a Consort, unless you want Dain to sweep in and marry him off to one of his kin, and thus rule the mountain regardless.”

“Absolutely not, Kili will never marry someone from the Iron Hills!” Gloin shouts, jumping to his feet. “We will not align ourselves with Dain in such a direct way!”

“Of course you wouldn't,” Gandalf says irritably. “Which is why Kili must marry Dwalin.”

The room goes silent and the blood rushes to Kili's head. He doesn't want to get married, he's never had a single thought about marriage before. Hardly anyone he knows is married, and when they are, it never ends well. See his parents for further proof, if you need.

“Pardon?” Dwalin says, and Kili knows that when he's being polite, he's the angriest. “You must be daft, wizard, to even suggest such a thing. Kili is but a babe!”

Kili bristles at that, because he is seventy-seven and he is an adult, even if his beard hasn't come in yet. He could get married, if he wishes. He doesn't wish though, and that's the problem.

“Why would Dwalin marry Kili?” Balin asks, his brow furrowed. “For the protection?”

“Kili will be viewed as young, yes,” Gandalf says patiently. “However, should he have a Consort that is not only older, but also knowledgeable, anyone attempting to make on his claim will rethink, or at least pause in their plans. Dwalin is kin, and he is a fierce warrior that is extremely formidable. He is a good political match for Kili.”

“Dwalin himself has a claim to the throne through the line of Durin,” Dori points out. “He will strengthen Kili's claim.”

“Like I said, he is a good political match for Kili,” Gandalf repeats, and he won't meet Kili's eyes.

“Aye,” Balin says slowly, nodding his head and he's not the only one nodding – Gloin and Bofur are as well. “It does make sense, when you put it like that. Dwalin? What do you think?”

“It is hardly ideal but if it is for the good for Erebor, I'll do it,” Dwalin says. “I've never had a mind to marry, never had a need for it. I won't let Dain take Erebor, though.”

“Excellent,” Gandalf sighs in relief. “Well, that's settled then. Ori, you may begin drawing up the legal documents. Balin will help you, and I am sure you will find some scrolls in the Library that will aid as well.”

“They'll be married by this evening,” Balin decides and there's no argument from around the table.

No one turns to Kili and asks him if this is all right because Kili knows that he doesn't have a choice. He may be King, but it's not him actually ruling. It's Balin, and Gandalf, and now Dwalin as well. It appears Dain may not be the only one attempting the throne, he thinks ungraciously as he stares at Dwalin's large, tattooed hands. He tries to imagine those hands touching him lovingly and the thought nearly makes him sick.  
Dwalin is like an uncle to him, and he is a formidable warrior indeed. There is no love in his heart for Kili.

The meeting is adjourned and the company begins to leave until only a handful remain – Balin, Dwalin, Gandalf and Bilbo. It is only then that Dwalin approaches him, a sympathetic look on his face and Kili knows that it's more for Dwalin himself than for Kili. He is doing Kili a service, while sacrificing so much for himself.

“It will be all right,” Dwalin reassures him. “I know it won't be a conventional marriage - ”

“Conventional enough for you,” Kili suddenly says, and oh, he didn't mean for those words to come out. They have, though, and Dwalin is staring at him in surprise, and the only thing he can do is continue. “How long have you desired the throne?”

“Kili!” Dwalin sounds shocked but Kili knows that he lived at Court long enough when Erebor flourished to learn how to lie fluently. “I am doing this for you! For Thorin, really. He would want you taken care of, and I'm doing it for his sake.”

“You and your brother plot for the throne!” Kili shouts so everyone is looking his way. “You accuse Dain of making a claim, when he has done no such thing, to disguise the fact that it is you that wish to over-throw me! You would see me dead, you would see me dead and buried like Fili - ”

He breaks off in rough, jagged sobs at this, and Dwalin clasps his hand down on his shoulder. Dwalin forces his head down, and at first Kili believes he means him harm, so he struggles but when Dwalin snaps, “Breathe!”, he realizes that he's simply trying to put Kili's head between his knees so he can catch his breath.

Balin is suddenly in his line of sight and he's kneeling down on the floor, tears brightening his eyes. He lays both hands on Kili's head, mindful of his healing wound, and gently presses their foreheads together.

“Send me from Erebor, if you desire,” he whispers. “Do with me what you please, Your Majesty, for my only desire is to see you happy and well. I swear upon my life, Kili, I have no desire for the throne.”

“I know,” Kili says, hiccupping and he slides his head from Balin's forehead to his shoulder, leaning against the older dwarf that has been there all of his life. It is not Thorin, and it's not Fili, but in this moment, Kili will take what he can get. “I'm sorry, Balin. I'm sorry I spoke so cruelly, I meant none of it. The only thing is, I'm afraid, is that I don't know what I'm doing. I need Fili.”

“I'm here,” Balin says, and he helps Kili stand back up, Dwalin thankfully backing away. “I promise, even though you are married to my brother, he will be given separate apartments and will spend majority of his days training Erebor's army. You will never be forced into something you are not comfortable with.”

“Except for marriage,” Kili says dully and Balin winces at that.

“Yes, except for the marriage itself,” he says regretfully. “I am sorry for that, Kili, but it makes the most sense. For Thorin's sake, we must all do what we can to protect Erebor.”

“Your uncle sacrificed his life for Erebor, as did Fili,” Gandalf says kindly. “You must cherish that sacrifice.”

“I wish to be alone now,” Kili says, retreating away from Balin. He has handled all that he can for today, and the thrumming pain in his skull is only making matters worse. He moves to sit back in his chair, drawing his knees up. “Please.”

“Of course,” Dwalin says, and the four of them leave, although Bilbo turns at the last minute and his red-rimmed eyes meet Kili's. They stare at each other for a long moment before Bilbo nods his head and slips from the room, closing the door quietly behind himself.

Once he's alone, Kili slides from his chair to curl up on the floor, burying his face into his arms and he cries until he has exhausted himself and falls into an unexpected but needed sleep.

***

Bofur is the one that finally comes for him. Kili senses that it has been more than hours, perhaps even the next day for he feels relatively rested, but yet, still bone weary. At first, he is confused to events but when Bofur reminds him he needs to change for the ceremony, it all comes flooding back and he is thankful he has the table there to hold on to when his knees are too weak.

He lets Bofur take him to his new temporary apartments where he changes into his least filthy clothes. It's terrible attire, for a wedding, but it seems fitting in Kili's opinion. They ladle him in the gold from Erebor, and he forces himself not to flinch. He is not his uncle, nor his great-grandfather. The gold disgusts him, for he has seen what it can do, and he will never desire it.

A crown has been found somewhere, it is thick gold, twisted with iron leafs and it is heavy against Kili's brow when Ori lowers it down. It feels wrong to wear, it should have been Fili's victory, not Kili's desolation. 

Balin and Gandalf are fighting when he reaches what is left of the throne room, the appointed place for the ceremony. From what he can gather between shouts, Balin believes this should be a private affair between the company and Gandalf insists that witnesses are necessary.

“At least allow for Bard,” Gandalf argues. “I understand if you don't wish for Dain to be present, but Bard will be more reliable witness than anyone else here!”

“Bard is a Man,” Balin says heatedly. “He doesn't understand our customs, and that you would value him above anyone in this company - ”

“I don't value him more, but his witness will go further with Dain than say, Gloin or Bombur,” Gandalf says. “Be reasonable, Balin, I know you're capable of it. If you want Dain to take this marriage seriously, you will need to have witnesses.”

“You're right,” Balin says, huffing out a sigh. “Very well, send for Bard, and two companions of his. Bring Dain as well, Gandalf is completely correct. In order for Dain to accept this as truth, he will need to witness the ceremony. I am sorry, Gandalf. I just worry for Kili, who is - ”

“Here,” Ori interrupts, and forces a smile in Kili's direction. “Kili and I are here.”

“Wonderful,” Balin says, and he does not meet Kili's gaze. “Gloin, I'll have you speak to Dain. He respects you. Bilbo, perhaps you will be willing to take Bombur and retrieve Bard? I know the pair of you befriend him in Laketown.”

“Of course,” Bilbo murmurs, and he trudges off with Bombur in his wake. 

“While they are gone, the rest of us shall agree on a tale,” Balin sighs heavily, smoothing his beard down and near the bottom, hidden underneath, Kili still spots rusty blood.

“A tale?” Kili asks dumbly, because he doesn't understand why they need a story, not when they already have one.

“Do you really think we're going to tell Dain that you're marrying Dwalin simply to give yourself more weight? Of course not. Now, I believe that somewhere around Rivendell, Dwalin and Kili began a romance.”

“We did no such thing!” Kili argues. He has _never_ looked at Dwalin in that light, he has looked at no one in that light, for that matter, because all he ever saw was Fili. He had never presumed he'd marry his brother, or even want to, but the world of marriage and alliances had seemed so far away and neither of them had ever paused to take their birthright seriously.

How naive they had been, how utterly foolish Kili has been, all this time.

“So, Kili and Dwalin began a romance on the quest,” Balin says, ignoring him completely. “Of course, Thorin disapproved because Kili was his nephew and Dwalin was his oldest friend, but perhaps...”

“Say Dwalin is his One,” Nori offers from where he is leaning against the wall, spinning a blade between his fingers.

Dwalin sucks in a breath of air and says, “But nobody finds their One, anymore. That's become... stuff of fairy tales.”

“Yes, so imagine your surprise when you realized the ache inside of you was soothed when you started up with Kili,” Nori puts the knife away and begins to walk towards them. “Nobody can confirm or deny the existence of soul mates, anymore. However, I'm sure there is still the odd dwarf couple that insist they have found their One within each other. In fact, such a couple lives in the Iron Hills, and I know Dain is acquainted with their story.”

“However, Dwalin felt like he had no right to marry a Prince of Erebor,” Bofur says, warming up to the tale.

“No, no, no,” Nori shakes his head. “That will make it seem like Dwalin is unworthy of being Consort, and that's not exactly the idea we want them to have. No, Kili was the one who wanted to wait on the wedding until he was able to offer all the glory and riches Erebor has to offer.”

“And no one foresaw Kili becoming King,” Balin says slowly. “And yet, he still cannot be denied his One. Thus, Dwalin will wed the King and become Royal Consort.”

“Exactly,” Nori says with a flash of teeth, which Kili suspects is supposed to be a smile. “Ori has already documented their romance.”

Balin turns to Ori with a frown. “Truly?” He says. “You have it recorded?”

“Aye,” Ori says, turning red under the attention of everyone else. Kili doesn't look at him, he chooses instead to stare at a wall. “I stayed up most of the night and my hand is still cramped, but I forged documents and inserted them here and there so when you read our quest, their romance will be sprinkled throughout.”

“It's a lie, but one we must all hold to,” Balin says, sighing heavily. “I am sorry you had to do that, Ori. I know how much accuracy means to you. You shouldn't have had to twist history.”

“And... Thorin shouldn't have had to die, nor Fili,” Ori says quietly, rubbing his right hand where it must still hurt. “And yet, here we are. We all must do our part to ensure that we keep Erebor. We have already lost too much to give it up.”

“Well said,” Dwalin says, clapping Ori on the back. “I appreciate your work, lad. We will give Dain a chance to look over your work later, should he be really interested.”

“It's a very rough draft,” Ori says quickly, his cheeks still red and Kili doesn't miss the way he gazes up at Dwalin from under his lashes. It makes his stomach cramp painfully. “Make sure he knows that. The finished copy will be a lot more glorious. And I still have pages to write, I haven't even touched the Battle yet.”

Kili makes a wounded noise at the thought of the battle and how it had felt to see Fili lying on the ground, cold and alone and already departed from Kili. He hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye. He thinks of Thorin, and how he had been found later, fatally slain and he had wept over his uncle's body, an uncle who was more of a father and would now be no more.

He wanders off to sit on the throne, the seat that should have been Thorin's, and then Fili's, but never his. It's there that Ori finds him, coming to lean against the throne with a sympathetic look on his young face.

“Are you all right?” He asks softly, glancing over his shoulder and Kili's gaze follow his, making sure Dori leaves them alone. “Nobody has asked you if you're okay with this.”

Kili has to remind himself that they are friends and that snapping at Ori will only make him feel even more miserable, in the long run. He forces a casual smile on to his face and shrugs his shoulders.

“Does it really matter?” He says, aiming for blasé but he knows he misses the mark because Ori's face furrows in concern. “We all need to do what's best for Erebor.”

“Well, yes, but it's just a mountain,” Ori says lowly and then looks shocked at his own audacity. “I mean, it's a very fine mountain, and it's your mountain, but - ”

“It's just a cursed mountain,” Kili finishes for him, because it's _true_. Growing up, he had painted Erebor as a beacon of hope, drunk off of the stories that Thorin and Dis would tell. Now that he is here, now that he is sitting on the throne of Erebor, he sees this mountain for what it is – a cursing upon the house of Durin.

He wants to go _home_ , to his real home, in Ered Luin.

“It will be okay,” Ori says, patting his hand. “Dwalin isn't so bad, is he? I think he's rather handsome, in a rough sort of warrior way. And at least you've grown up with him. It could be worse, it could be Bifur!”

Kili smiles faintly at that because while Ori imagines Bifur to be worse, Kili imagines him to be _better_. He's not afraid of Bifur. He doesn't think Bifur will yell at him for the smallest slight, nor would Bifur cuff the back of his head routinely. However, it's not Bifur, it's Dwalin, and so he ignores his painful heart and agrees with Ori.

“It will be fine,” he says, picking dirt and blood out from underneath his fingernails. “It won't even be a real marriage, really. Nothing will change. I just won't have to worry about marriage again, and I suppose that's a bit of a relief.”

“Marriage would be awfully nice,” Ori says wistfully. “I believed, once, that perhaps I would marry the finest dwarf there was. I don't think I shall marry now, though. I will be your Royal Scribe and focus on my craft.”

“You can get married, if you want,” Kili says quickly, because he doesn't want his first act as King to be something terrible. “To anyone that you want! Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“The one I love is dead,” Ori says quietly, his face twisting in sorrow. “He is gone and there's no coming back. So thank you, Kili, but no. I don't believe I shall ever wed.”

“I understand,” Kili says, because he does. If it wasn't for all of this business, he'd never marry either. Dwarves only love once, and so when Ori says he shall never wed, Kili believes him. And Kili knows that by marrying Dwalin, he knows he shall never love – he is forsaking any future love with his marriage and yet for Erebor, he must.

The company is still discussing the final details of the story when Gandalf returns. He has Bard with him, as well as two Men that they don't recognize. Dain is with him, as well as two of his generals, one originally from Erebor and the other from the Iron Hills.

Dain isn't smiling when he looks at Kili, and it makes Kili want to hide away. He had always enjoyed visits from Dain, back when he was small, for Dain had always been kind. However, Kili had been young and not a threat, then, and that is a much different story than today. Today, Kili is claiming a throne that Dain would possibly desire for his own, and he is marrying someone that is unfitting for a King.

“Kili,” Dain says, walking over to him and he places a hand on Kili's shoulder, a frown on his face. “Are you well? What have they talked you into?”

It will be up to him to make this story believable, he realizes as he forces himself to meet Dain's curious gaze. It is his word alone that Dain will believe, and therefore, he must do his best or else Thorin and Fili will have died in vain.

“It is I that had to talk them into it, especially Balin,” he says loudly, so the rest of the company will be able to hear that he is trying, he is doing his best, even when it is his last desire. “Balin is the Royal Adviser, as you may have well guessed. He, of course, disapproved of the union but he has seen our love blossom over the past year.”

“So this isn't a new found love,” Dain says doubtfully. “This has been going on for a year, then?”

“Close enough,” Kili says, thinking back to Rivendell and how Dwalin had actually embarrassed him so, rather than seduced him. “No, truthfully, this isn't anything new. I have simply waited because I wanted to do right by my One.”

He can see Balin smiling out of the corner of his eye but the smile disappears when Dain whips his head around to look at the pair of brothers of Fundin.

“One?” He hisses, raising his eyebrows. “You claim that they are soul mates?”

“They claim nothing,” Kili says sharply, beginning to understand why a tale was necessary in the first place, and why Thorin never really fully trusted Dain, despite being cousins. “It is a truth I know in my heart, same as Dwalin does.”

“Aye,” Dwalin says, stepping forward and he puts his hand on Kili's shoulder. Kili forces himself not to flinch. “Imagine my surprise, for I have known Kili since he was born! There's no denying it, though – Mahal made sure that I knew in my heart that Kili was my One.”

“And now they're to be wed,” Bofur says with a large smile. “Isn't it romantic? I'm relieved, to be honest – I can't tell you how many times I had to listen Kili moon over Dwalin!”

Dain laughs at that, and Kili forces a smile on to his face. He can pretend that he has mooned over Dwalin, if it makes Dain believe them. He can even pretend he is not afraid of Dwalin, if he tries hard enough.

“Well done, then, little cousin,” he says to Kili. “I must admit, soul mates are such a rarity, these days. I should have known that Mahal would bless the house of Durin with such, though.”

“I am very blessed.” The lie is thick and heavy in his mouth, tangling his tongue until he is gagging on it, and he forces a smile on his face so he isn't sick instead.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Dain says with a wide smile. “The documents are drawn up, are they not? Your witnesses are now present and I must say, your groom looks particularly eager.”

Kili looks beside himself to where Dwalin is draped in gold and mithril. Eager is not the word he would use to describe Dwalin, in this moment. He almost looks as miserable as Kili feels, but when he feels Kili's gaze on him, he meets his eyes and gives him an encouraging smile. It does nothing to ease the pain in Kili's chest so he simply looks away.

“Yes, the documents have been drawn up,” he says instead. “Ori is my Royal Scribe and has seen to it. He has also documented our quest, although I believe he has yet to write the battle.”

“Everyone has been a little busy since then,” Dain says kindly. “I'd like to read what he has, though, if I'm able.”

“Of course,” Kili says, nodding his head. “It is just a rough draft, but knowing Ori and his skill, it will still be wonderful.”

“Your Majesty,” Balin says as he appears at Kili's side. “Are you ready to begin?”

“Yes,” Kili says faintly, nodding his head towards Dain in farewell and then he follows Balin to the front of the throne room.

Dwalin falls into step beside him, but Kili can't bear to look at him and know that he is committing his life to this dwarf. It is too much to comprehend. In a span of three days, he has gone from happy to hollow and he has no reason to believe why this marriage will brighten anything.

The rest of the company, Dain and his generals, and Bard and his men gather around them and Kili repeats the words Balin instructs him to. He clasps Dwalin's wrist when he is instructed, and he braids his bead into Dwalin's beard, signifying to all that this dwarf is the Royal Consort and none shall touch him.

He forces himself to hold still as Dwalin's large, thick fingers neatly braid a row in his hair, clasping his own bead on to it to show that Kili carries the love of Dwalin, son of Fundin, and none shall tamper with that.

And just like that, they're wed, and Kili has lost the only chance he's ever had to love.

“Go on then, give us a kiss!” Dain shouts from the crowd, and he's beaming at Kili like he is truly pleased for him.

A kiss should not be such a difficult request, for Kili and Dwalin have been in love for almost a year, and have surely shared more than kisses. And so Kili closes his eyes and forces his mind to drift as Dwalin pulls him close and kisses him chastely, his beard brushing against Kili's cheeks.

Kili pulls back and gives everyone a tight smile, even though it costs him everything he has. He grabs Dwalin's hand and excuses them, citing they need to be alone and then walks out of the throne room with Dwalin on his heels. Dwalin, to his credit, doesn't ask where they're going. He just follows Kili out of the throne room, down several hallways and staircases until they come to a guard's room.

It is only then that Kili shuts the door behind them and turns around to be sick on the floor. Distantly, he can hear Dwalin sigh, but not for the first time, Kili tunes everything else out and focuses solely on the beat of his own heart, for it is the only thing he can rely on anymore.

***

Ori explains that Balin has placated Dain with the promise of a feast in a little bit, once they've gotten Erebor back up and running. Dain and his generals have gone back to their camps, and Bard and his Men have left, and they are alone once more, so no one sees Ori lead Kili into his apartments alone, without his new husband.

The bedding has been shaken out, so it's hardly even dusty when he undresses and crawls into it, curling up on his side. Ori sits down on the bed beside him and brushes his hair back gently.

“Will you be all right on your own?” He asks quietly.

“I've got to be, haven't I?” Kili says hollowly, his thumb tracing over the new bead slowly. “I'm on my own now.”

“Your mum will be here soon,” Ori says comfortingly. “I heard Nori say that the caravans from Ered Luin have already left. They will be here perhaps in a month's time. Imagine all that we will accomplish in a month!”

“How is it that only three nights ago, I lay beside Fili and Thorin and knew who I was?” Kili whispers darkly. “How is it that so much has changed since then, yet I am the only one who seems to acknowledge it?”

“You're not the only one who misses them,” Ori says sharply, far sharper than he normally uses with Kili. “I loved him too, you know.”

“Not the same,” Kili says because Ori cannot even begin to compare his crush on Fili to what Kili shared with him. They were _brothers_ , they were the best of friends and nothing could come between them, save death.

Ori huffs out an annoyed sigh, but he doesn't argue with Kili. It would appear that being King has a few perks, after all.

“Not the same, no,” Ori finally says after a length of silence. “However, I will forever be plagued by thoughts of what could have been. Perhaps I would have been Royal Consort, rather than Dwalin.”

“You would have done a better job at it,” Kili says, a little meanly, tucking his knees further up against his chest. “I'd have rather married you, you know. Anyone but him.”

“He's not so bad,” Ori says comfortingly, his hand brushing down Kili's arm. “You are friends with him, and that's a start.”

“I would not call us friends.” Kili rolls over on to his back and stares up at the stone that has intricate designs cut into it and wonders who used to occupy these rooms before the dragon came and destroyed it all. “He was Thorin's friend first.”

“Still, you may learn to love him,” Ori says cheerfully, drawing the heavy blankets up further and he tucks them under Kili's chin. “You should sleep, tomorrow will be busy. We have much restoration to do, and I believe Dain and his men will be here to help.”

“You can go,” Kili says, because he's sure that Ori is as weary as he is, and would like to curl up in a bed with his brothers. Everyone still has someone to cling to, everyone but him and Bilbo, and Bilbo has always been a creature of solitude. It is unnatural for Kili, though, to be so alone. It is something he will have to become accustomed with. “I'll be fine.”

“If you're sure,” Ori says, but he slides from the bed and gives Kili a reassuring smile before he slips out of the room, closing the door behind him and taking his candle with him so the room is plunged in darkness.

Kili forces himself to breathe slowly, lest the panic overwhelm him and clog his airway. He closes his eyes so the darkness isn't so imposing and settles in the bed. He wonders briefly where Dwalin is, if he's lying in a room with Balin or if he has secured apartments of his own. Tomorrow they will begin restoring the Royal Apartments and Kili will sleep in the rooms of his great-grandfather.

He will give Dwalin Thorin's old rooms, he decides. They are fitting for the Consort and he thinks Dwalin will like it, to be close to his old friend once more.

He falls asleep to the memories of Fili's laughter, and Thorin's smiles, and how wonderful it had been to know that he was loved, and not alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

He spends the morning with Balin, and when he politely asks where Dwalin is, Balin gives him a kind smile and tells him that Dwalin is in the Royal Apartments, working on those for Kili. He flushes, because he doesn't mind waiting, there's so much more they could be doing in Erebor, he supposes.

Thorin had never really told him what he planned to do with Erebor, once he had reclaimed it. No, he had focused so much on just having it once more, so now that it is theirs and their enemies have been defeated, Kili feels hopeless and over-whelmed.

“We will make Erebor beautiful once more,” Balin says, one of the few that has actual memories of what the mountain used to be. “We have a team working on the throne room, but Dwalin wanted to ensure the Royal Apartments were finished for you as soon as possible.”

“Finished for them both then,” Dain says as he wanders up behind them and he gives Kili a lecherous wink. “You look tired, although that is hardly surprising, given that last night was your wedding night!”

Kili flushes once more and looks away from Dain. “A husband should not be faulted for wanting to provide for his spouse, even if his spouse is the King.”

Balin poorly hides a smile and nods his head. “This is true,” he says. “My brother is the determined sort, and he will want to see Kili comfortable, especially after he has lost so much.”

Dain turns sympathetic at that and rests his hand on Kili's back. Kili forces himself to hold still and endure the touch. “I am sorry for the loss of your uncle and brother,” he says quietly. “I imagine you must be feeling quite over-whelmed right now.”

“It is true, Erebor was never my burden, or my desire,” Kili says carefully. “However, I will honor my uncle's wishes and see Erebor grand once more. It will be good to provide a home for our people.”

“They're your people now,” Dain says, drawing him away from Balin and Kili doesn't miss the frown Balin gives Dain's retreating back. “It's not easy work, being King, especially when you are so ill-prepared.”

“I grew up sewn to Fili's side,” Kili says with a small smile. “Any lessons my brother had, I had as well. I am not so woefully unprepared.”

It is a lie, much like everything else in his life, right now. For years Fili had private lessons with Balin and Thorin while Kili had taken to the hills and to the trees, hunting and delighting in the security that he was the spare, that the heavy burden of the crown would never rest upon his brow.

How naive he had been.

“I see,” Dain says, and Kili fears that he truly does see Kili for what he is. “At any rate, my generals will be pleased to be home once more.”

“Your generals cannot stay,” Kili says firmly, for Erebor is still so fragile and there is much to do. “Perhaps in time they may return home but while Erebor is being rebuilt, it is open only to those that were loyal to Thorin. We will struggle to feed those as it is, we cannot accept more.”

“My generals - ”

“Are yours,” Kili interrupts him smoothly. “They fled to you the moment Erebor was lost, and so with you they may stay, for now. Once those who followed Thorin are settled and comfortable, we will open the doors of Erebor once more.”

“Don't think I don't see what you are doing,” Dain hisses lowly, turning to face Kili and any friendliness he bore for Kili is gone. “You are a wee dwarfling, playing a game he cannot hope to continue.”

“Dain!” A booming voice comes from behind them and Kili turns to see Dwalin has approached them. He's dirty and dusty, covered in soot and ash, a lone coin tangled in the laces of his boots. He's smiling yet his eyes are cold as they rest on Dain and Kili has never been so glad to see the older dwarf before. “Come to help?”

“I thought perhaps we would come and aid, we are family after all,” Dain says with a smile. “I'll do what I can to help young Kili here.”

“The King is managing well,” Dwalin nods, giving Kili a smile and Kili returns it, feeling warm inside his chest at the unexpected (and probably undeserved) praise.

“He is fortunate he has you to guide him,” Dain says easily. “Otherwise, he would probably drown beneath the burden of the throne. It's not an easy task to be King, especially if you have never been raised for it. And when your only example is an exiled prince, it's a difficult job all the more.”

Dwalin's face tightens at the slight against Thorin and Kili rests his hand on Dwalin's arm, trying to calm him. They can't afford to fight with Dain, not when everything is so delicate and Kili is still so unsure of his place in his life.

As much as he detests the fact, right now, he needs Dain.

“Thorin did the best he could, and so will I,” he said, beckoning to Balin and the older dwarf scurries over. “Balin, perhaps you can show Dain to the throne room and the progress we are making there? I'm afraid Dwalin has need of my attentions in the Royal Apartments.”

“Of course,” Balin says, giving Kili a slight bow before he nods his head to Dain. “Come this way, of course. You'll be pleased to hear that the furnaces are already back up and running.”

Kili waits until he is sure that Dain will go in peace before he follows Dwalin back towards the Royal Apartments, remaining silent. He knows Dwalin has no need of him, for what could Dwalin not accomplish on his own? However, he needs the peace right now that Dain and his questions won't afford him.

“He should not speak so disrespectfully to you,” Dwalin says lowly as they pick their way through a hallway that is covered in rubble. Bombur, Bifur and Nori are slowly clearing it, but it will take some time. “This is precisely why Gandalf wanted you to marry. Dain is too forward with you.”

“Dain doesn't see me as a King,” Kili shrugs his shoulders because he can hardly fault his older cousin. Kili doesn't even see himself as King yet, it is a title that has not yet sunk in. Even now, he still hopes to see Thorin and Fili come around the corner, smiles gracing their beautiful, beautiful faces.

“Well, you are King,” Dwalin says gruffly as he leads Kili into the Royal Apartments and looks around. “And these will be your rooms.”

Kili follows his gaze, feeling mildly curious, simply because these had been the rooms his great-grandfather had lived in, and Kili has been raised on stories of Thror. The room is mostly undamaged, the only fault lies with the layer of ash that covers everything and a burnt table by the door.

“They're nice,” Kili says, feeling a lot more odd now that he's alone with Dwalin. It was always slightly intimidating to be alone with Dwalin before, but now that they're technically wed?

“I'll be close by,” Dwalin says, and when Kili stiffens, he hurries to continue. “What I mean is that you'll be well guarded, for whatever reason. Nothing has to change, Kili. I won't ever demand anything of you, and I don't expect anything. This was simply a political move, one I'm sorry you had to make.”

“Thank you,” Kili says softly, unable to look at him. “I thought perhaps you could be given Thorin's old rooms. I think... he would like that.”

“Aye, and so would I,” Dwalin makes a small, pleased sound. “Thank you. I'm serious about what I said before though; nothing needs to change. I demand nothing.”

***

And he doesn't, much to Kili's relief. In the coming weeks, Erebor slowly begins to take shape and Kili begins to understand why his Uncle was so in love with it. They hire Men to help, and unlike his uncle, Kili parts with the gold freely for they have more than enough wealth.

In fact, he rarely sees Dwalin at all. Dwalin tells him that they need to organize an army with the ones they have, so Kili places him as Captain of the Guard and Dwalin is often gone on patrols or in the sparring grounds, training his new soldiers.

In the third month of retaking Erebor, the caravans from the Blue Mountains arrive and Erebor is suddenly full of dwarves that are ready to help. Restorations go faster and Dwalin's army grows. Best of all, Dis is home and in the rooms she occupied before she fled from Erebor.

When Kili sees her, he wants to cry. He runs down the hall and moves to throw himself in his mother's arm like he did when he was small, but to his surprise, she bows. He skids to a stop in front of her, slightly bewildered.

“Mum,” he says, pulling her up because she doesn't need to bow to him – she is his mother! He finally gets his arms around her and hugs her as tightly as he can. “I missed you so much.”

“Your Majesty,” she says solemnly, stepping out of his hug and she bows before him again. “Princess Dis, at your service.”

He frowns and motions Balin, who had been approaching, back. “Stop bowing to me!” He demands, his voice higher than normal. “I'm not your King and you're not my Princess. You're my mother and I have missed you sorely.”

“Oh, little one,” she says, finally accepting him into her arms and she smoothes his wild, wild hair down. “Bless Mahal, you are still alive.”

“Fili - ” he has not said the name in months and it is rusty and painful in his mouth, causing his eyes to water. “I failed Fili, Mum. I couldn't save him, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Dis pulls back so she can look at him and she frowns at her youngest – her only living – son and wipes his tears away. “Fili died with honor,” she says carefully. “You did what you could, and he would be proud of you. _I_ am proud of you.”

Kili swallows hard and nods his head. She is saying what is necessary to soothe him, but they both know better. Fili died because Kili had not been quick enough, and that is a scar he will carry with him all his life.

"You must be tired, from your travels," he says quietly. "Would you like to rest? Perhaps we could have tea together later."

"I think it best if we have tea now," Balin says from behind him and Kili forces himself not to jump. The older dwarf always seems to be lurking around every corner and while he's generally there to help, Kili still hasn't grown accustomed to it yet. "We have much to discuss, the three of us."

Kili nods his head and follows Balin and Dis to his private chambers where Balin orders tea to be brought to the rooms. Then they settle on the soft lounge chairs Kili has in his rooms, and he chooses the seat next to his mother, grateful for her presence. 

"Tell me everything," Dis demands, and it's not to Kili, but to Balin. The slight shouldn't hurt, for he knows that he is still struggling to be King, but he is sensitive and so it does hurt but he forces himself not to display it. A King never shows his weakness, a lesson he has learned in such a short period.

"Dain is still here," Balin says. "While I do appreciate your cousin's efforts, and the dwarves he has provided the restoration have been helpful, I fear that he is outstaying his welcome and our pantries are becoming depleted. Kili has only been able to go out on a hunting party once, for he is needed here. However, the hunting parties are less successful without his bow and arrow."

Dis smiles proudly at Kili and pats his hand. He can't bear to return the smile because it is an infuriating subject. He leans forward and glares at Balin, winding up for another row.

"I could easily go on more hunting excursions," he says. "I'm no help here, any questions you have can be directed to either yourself or Dwalin. The pair of you know more about running Erebor than I ever will!"

"Aye, but this is not our Kingdom," Balin reminds him patiently. "The people don't look to us - they look to _you_."

"They look to Dwalin well enough," Kili says dismissively. "He's a natural born leader, I think you should let him excel in the areas he's strong in and let me do the same. I'd be able to bring in a lot more meat, now that the animals have returned to the hills."

"Pardon my inquisitiveness," Dis says sharply. "But can someone please inform me as to why Dwalin is leading the people? Balin is right, Kili. Dwalin is not King Under the Mountain; _you are_."

"Dwalin is Consort, it's good enough, or at least it should be," Kili says before taking one look at his mother's face and realizes, with a sinking feeling, that she has not been written of his nuptials, that she is completely unaware of his marital status.

"Did I hear you correctly?" She hisses, rising from her chair and Kili is relieved to see that he isn't the only one shrinking back in his seat. "You are _married_?"

"I brought the tea," a gruff voice from the doorway says and Kili momentarily closes his eyes, because Dwalin arriving is the only thing that could make this matter worse. 

"Should I come back?"

"Absolutely not," Dis says, whirling around to face him. "You will come in here and close that door, I don't think all of Erebor needs to hear any of this. You may also pour me a cup of tea, for I am in sore need of one!"

Dwalin shuts the door and sets the tray down on the table, pouring tea into a cup and he passes it to Dis before he sits down beside Balin, glancing over at Kili who pointedly looks away.

"You weren't informed then, I take it?" Dwalin says, pouring another cup and he sets it in front of Kili before he pours himself one, adding three spoonfuls of sugar. "I thought Balin, or at least Kili would write you."

"I thought Balin would have written you," Kili says defensively, avoiding Balin's glare. "I was busy!"

"I would like a full explanation right now, unless the three of you want to experience my wrath!"

"It's quite simple," Balin says quickly. "Thorin and Fili both fell so quickly; Fili on the battleground and Thorin in a healer's tent. He named Kili his successor before he died but I knew it would not be that easy. Erebor was fragile - still is, I should say - but Erebor was even more fragile then and I was scared."

"Scared for Erebor or scared for Kili?" Dis demands, lowering herself back down to her seat but she looks suspiciously at Dwalin who focuses on his tea.

"Both," Balin says. "Thorin made it clear he didn't trust Dain, and therefore, I was on my guard. I didn't know who would try to take advantage of Kili's claim, or perhaps even the dwarves of Erebor would match him unwillingly to someone advantageous. I didn't want such a life for him, not when he has already suffered so much."

Kili swallows hard and looks away from his mother's softening gaze. Even the mere mention of Fili falling on the battleground is one that causes his throat to thicken until breath is difficult for him.

"That's where I come in," Dwalin says quietly. "It was Gandalf's idea, really. The wizard was the one who made us realize the precarious situation that Kili was in. I am Kili's kin, and Thorin's closest friend. I have grown up within the Royal family and I am aware of traditions and values. I was the safest option for him."

"So you married my son for convenience, knowing that you were damning him to a life void of love," Dis says flatly, fixing the sons of Fundin with her gaze. "I see your reasons, but I cannot help but feel Thorin would be disappointed in you both."

Kili can see the pain that causes in Dwalin; he flinches hard and grips his teacup until the handle cracks and falls off. Dwalin stuffs it under the tablecloth without a word and while normally that would cause Kili to smile, in the face of his mother's disappointment and anger, he cannot muster one.

"Those are heavy words, Princess," Balin whispers, head downcast. "We did not force this upon your son. He agreed to it."

"Balin's right," Kili says, because he cannot let the pair of them suffer the wrath of his mother alone; not when he had been an agreeable party to the arrangement. "I know what I have sacrificed for Erebor. I'd do it again, if I had to."

"This is not the life I wished for you," Dis says, reaching forward to lay her palm against Kili's cheek and he leans into his mother's touch, the first real form of affection he's had in months. "I am so sorry."

"It's all right," he says, because he senses how uncomfortable Dwalin is and while it's not an ideal situation for either of them, he has little desire for Dwalin to carry an unnecessary load of guilt around. "My days are spent rebuilding Erebor, and being King takes up the majority of your time, I'm beginning to see. I would have no time for love, regardless."

Dis frowns at that, even Balin and Dwalin do, but Kili ignores the three of them because it's true. The only twinge of love he's ever had is world's away, and unattainable to him now that he is King anyway.

"I am still sorry, my son. Love is one of the purest emotions there are, and everyone deserves to experience it."

"I have," Kili says quietly. "I loved Fili and I love you. That's the only love I have need of."

He has more love than that, of course; such as Thorin. All his life he has loved Thorin, and that love caused him to follow Thorin on this quest, the same quest that stole Fili from him. Even though Thorin is gone and Kili would still follow him, the love for Thorin is frozen in his heart for now. 

He doesn't know when it will thaw. 

"This pains me," Dis murmurs. "I am so sorry that it has come to this."

"It's no matter," Kili says bracingly, for he doesn't want her to worry, not when she has also lost so much throughout her life. "I don't have time to dwell on the things I have lost."

No, he saves those moments for the nights alone, the lonely nights where he lays alone in his cold bed, the darkness threatening to drown him at every turn. He sleeps buried under the blankets each night, breathing in old air, for it is easier to accept that then the sea of darkness around him. He stays up as late as they'll let him and rises as early as is deemed acceptable and even though he wears a crown and bears the title of King, he has never felt more like a child.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

For the most, Dwalin's new found position hardly crosses his mind. His days are spent building up an army for Erebor and assisting in the restorations. Sometimes, he will dine with Kili and Balin, simply to keep them abreast of what has happened that day, but for the most part, he rarely sees the lad.

As much as it pains him to admit it, he's glad for it because he cannot look at Kili as King without realizing that he has lost Thorin, the closest and truest friend he has ever had. Some days, he still pretends that Thorin is away, and will return shortly once more.  
He suspects Kili does the same for his brother, even though the two never spent a night apart.

He will see him tomorrow night, for all of Erebor is finally celebrating the marriage of Kili and Dwalin, as well as Dain's departure, and Bombur is cooking the best feast he is able to do with the resources they have.

He goes to Kili's rooms and knocks quietly before he enters, shutting the door behind himself. Kili isn't in his sitting rooms, so he passes through them and moves into the bedroom to spot the lad sitting on the edge of his bed, staring down at the floor.

Clearing his throat, Dwalin taps lightly against the stone wall. "Kili? Balin sent me, I am supposed to find out what you're wearing tomorrow so I may match."

Kili's head jerks up in surprise and he quickly schools his features, impressively so, for the look of despair and loneliness disappears so quickly that Dwalin would almost doubt he ever saw it. He smiles tightly and nods his head, standing up from the bed.

"Of course," he says quietly, moving over to the closet that is far emptier than it should be for a King of Erebor. He pulls out clothes of deep blue, silver and mithril running through the material. "Dori made me this, he said to wear it for the feast. Do you think you'll be able to match?"

"Yes," Dwalin says, nodding his head. He had Dori sew up him some blue clothing earlier, for while it was not a color he normally wears, blue is Kili's color and is his duty to match his... husband. The thought is still unsettling to him.

"Oh, good," Kili says softly, nodding his head. "That's good, then."

Dwalin swallows the sigh that wants to escape and nods his head as well. Things are still so awkward between them. There's a strain that never used to be there, and Dwalin knows it's the marriage that has caused it. Any familiarity Kili once had for him is gone now.

The joyful, carefree Kili that used to run underfoot is also gone, and Dwalin doubts they will ever get him back. The loss of his brother and uncle have forced him to mature more quickly than he was meant to, and the burden of the crown weighs on him even more.  
Dwalin cannot remember the last time he saw a genuine smile from Kili.

"I'll leave you," he says, giving Kili a small bow before leaving the bedroom. A small part of him expects Kili to call him back, but the reasonable side of him knows it won't happen, and without fail, he leaves Kili's rooms without further delay.

It is only then that he lets himself sigh heavily and rub his face, moving down towards his own bedrooms to see whatever happened to those clothes Dori had made for him. Organization in his closet had never been one of Dwalin's strong points, and he has resisted a servant for now, too afraid that someone will churn the gossip mill and it will get back to Dain that Dwalin has never shared Kili's bed.

No, it is easier to manage alone.

***

It is later that evening that he sees Ori carefully balancing a tray of tea, despite having two journals jammed under his arms. Dwalin hurries forward to help, lest Ori end up wearing the tea.

"Evening, Ori," he says, rescuing the tray and he smiles down at the scribe who has really grown into his own in the past year. "Where are you headed? I can help."

"Oh, I appreciate the offer, but I'll be okay," Ori says, looking nervous, which isn't anything unusual, but the fact that he looks nervous around Dwalin is a little new. "I'll just be careful."

"I don't mind helping," Dwalin says, keeping his grip on the tray. "Now, where are you headed?"

"I'm to bring the tea to Kili's rooms," Ori says, looking down at the floor. "Dori sent me."

"Well, that's no problem," Dwalin says, shifting the tray over to his left hand. "We'll just go there now."

"He's entertaining," Ori blurts out, reaching for the tray and in his surprise, Dwalin lets him take it.

"He's entertaining?" He repeats, frowning. "In his private rooms? Who is he entertaining?"

Ori shifts miserably and then it hits Dwalin - perhaps Kili will still find love after all. He swallows hard and nods, taking a step back because he can't fault Kili for it, not really. The lad is young, and has needs. He agreed to a marriage with Dwalin, he didn't swear fidelity.

"Ambassadors from the Woodland Realms arrived today," Ori says softly. "I'm surprised you didn't know."

"No, I was aware that they were here," Dwalin says, his frown deepening. "So Kili is entertaining elves? Despite what you think, that's not going to bother me and send me into a rage."

"Elf," Ori corrects gently. "He's entertaining an elf."

One elf, then, Kili is alone in his private rooms with just one elf and - oh. Of course.

Tauriel.

Dwalin's hand clenches into a fist but at Ori's alarmed expression, he forces it to relax. "I'm not angry!" He says quickly, even though he is. Oh, he's furious. He gives Ori a smile, and nudges him forward. "Forgive me, I just realized I have some business to take care of. Please, continue on."

"Dwalin, I'm sorry," Ori says but Dwalin quickly raises his hand to stop him.

"Nothing to apologize for," he says. "I am pleased that Kili has been reunited with a friend. He is in sore need of one."

He can't say anymore so he turns and walks away, his feet carrying him down the hallway and through Balin's door. He shuts the door heavily behind him and moves to sit down beside his brother on the large couch. Balin looks up from his scroll and frowns.

"Brother, what brings you to my rooms at this time of evening? Everything all right?"

"Yes," Dwalin says quietly. "Everything is fine. I'm just in need of company."

"Well, I daresay I won't be any good in that regard, I must finish this reading before I sleep for the night. Tomorrow shall be very busy with the feast."

"Is that why the elves have come?"

"Oh, Prince Legolas and his company? I had written to King Thranduil on when he could collect his gold for aiding in the battle and made mention of the celebration. I suspect the timing is not coincidence."

She's in there, convincing him that he deserves a better life, Dwalin thinks to himself. She will convince Kili that he deserves a marriage full of love and laughter, and why should she not give it to him? Everyone had seen the way she had looked at him, and everyone had seen how easily Kili had fallen under her spell.

Who is he to deny Kili a chance at love? If he has any love in his heart for the lad (and he does, he sorely does), then he ought to step back gracefully and give Kili this opportunity.

"Balin," he says softly, his chest clenching. "Is is possible to retract this marriage?"

Balin blinks at him. "Retract the marriage? Dwalin, you are already married, and in the eyes of everyone, you have consummated it. I daresay retracting it would be nearly impossible. No, you'd have to have a divorce and that would be a messy affair. Why would you even ask such a thing?"

"If we made everyone aware that it _wasn't_ consummated," Dwalin persists. "Perhaps then would we be able to annul the marriage?"

Balin sets the scroll down and turns to face his brother, face drawn in concern. "What is going through your mind? I thought you were comfortable in agreeing to this arrangement. It is the safest choice for Erebor, and for Kili."

"Aye, I am, but I don't think he is," Dwalin says. "He deserves a chance at love, and I daresay he won't find it with this old, scarred warrior. How can I deny him that?"

"Kili has agreed to the arrangement. No, we shall have the feast tomorrow night as planned and then Dain will be gone and we will all be able to relax. Now go to bed, Dwalin."

"She is in his rooms as we speak," Dwalin shouts angrily. "She is with him and he loves her and to deny him that is not right, Balin!"

"Who is in there?" Balin leaps to his feet. "He is alone in his rooms with someone else the eve before his wedding feast? If Dain hears of this... come brother, we will put an end to this."

"We cannot interrupt them," Dwalin protests, because he is not completely sure how he will find them. "Balin, no, we cannot."

"Yes, we can," Balin says grimly. "You are Prince Consort and I am the Royal Advisor. We are the only ones who _can_ stop them, and we must."

Balin heads for the door and so Dwalin follows him. They move down the hallway that is empty until they reach the end where the Royal Apartments reside. Balin knocks once, heavily, before he pushes the door open and strides in.

Against his better judgement, Dwalin follows.

Kili and Tauriel are sitting on the lounge chairs, and there is respectable space between them, much to Dwalin's relief. Kili looks up in surprise, a look of guilt crosses his face when he sees Dwalin but he thankfully focuses his attention on Balin.

"What brings you here this late, Balin?"

"I was unaware that we were entertaining company tonight," Balin says, moving to sit down beside Tauriel and he gives her a thin-lipped smile. "Tauriel, it is wonderful to see you once more."

"Balin, Dwalin, how wonderful to see you both," she says, smiling at them.

Dwalin, unable to return it, simply looks away. He does not go and sit beside Kili, even though he should. Instead, he stands by the door, fingers idly stroking the length of his axe handle.

"You have come for the wedding feast, then?" Balin asks politely.

Tauriel nods her head, her red hair falling forward and while Dwalin cannot see the beauty in her, it is obvious enough in Kili's gaze as he looks at her. Dwalin feels sick, even though they both agreed to this arrangement, and even though Dwalin's heart beats a little faster, he feels like he is coercing Kili into something unwillingly.

"Yes, Kili has been telling me of his marriage," Tauriel says with a smile at Kili and then she turns her attention to Dwalin. "Congratulations, I am so pleased for you both. Truly, I had no idea on the quest that you two had such a relationship."

So Kili has not betrayed himself then, that is good to know.

"Few did," Dwalin says, forcing himself to go sit beside Kili, although he keeps space between them, unwilling to make Kili feel even more uncomfortable than he already must be feeling.

"Uncle would have disapproved of such things on a quest," Kili says, his voice cracking. "He wouldn't have understood."

No, Dwalin thinks. He doubts Thorin would understand any of this.

"Well, you're able to be together now," Tauriel says and Dwalin doesn't miss the heated gaze she gives Kili.

"Aye," Dwalin says, a surge of protectiveness of what is technically his washing over him. It fades as quickly as it came though, once he sees the look on Kili's face, leaving him cold and numb. He has no business being here, interfering with Kili's only chance at love. "Excuse me, I think I shall retire to bed. Tomorrow will be a long day."

"Of course, my apologies," Tauriel says, leaping to her feet. "I will leave your rooms at once. Balin, perhaps you may show me where the other elves are staying? I'm afraid I have gotten rather lost in this mountain."

Dwalin winces at her belief that he shares a bed with Kili but he can't fault her for it. Instead, he remains quiet as Kili and Tauriel say their goodbyes and then Balin leads her from the room, shutting the stone door behind them. He can't bear to look at Kili, sure that he is angry at him.

"I apologize," he says stiffly, still staring at the door. "I meant to leave myself, I didn't intend to drive her off."

"It's fine," Kili says, standing from his chair and he begins to gather the cups of tea, setting them back on the tray. "I should have informed you that she had arrived."

"You're allowed friends," Dwalin says, the marriage bead in his hair suddenly heavy. "I didn't mean for Balin to come in here, either."

"Balin doesn't like her," Kili says simply. "I can see why he wouldn't want me alone with her. I didn't tell her anything of significance, though. I didn't tell her what a lie we're living."

"You can, if you wish," Dwalin says carefully. "If she's important enough to you, there shouldn't be secrets. Especially not ones like this."

Kili throws him a surprised look. "You really think I'd tell her the truth? After we've worked so hard to keep it disclosed from others? I'm not a fool, Dwalin. I understand what's at stake."

"But if you love her - "

Kili laughs, sharp and jagged. "Love her? Don't be daft. I'm not allowed to love her."

"It's not that simple!"

"Yes, it really is," Kili hisses. "I am married to _you_ of all dwarves and while I may loathe my vows, I will respect and honor them. She is here to visit a friend, nothing more - it will _never_ be anything more, not now. Now leave me, I am tired."

The words cut deeper than Dwalin expected they would. Oh, he is no fool and he has known all along that Kili will never love him like one truly loves a spouse. However, he had been under the pretence that they were friends, and that he was not the worst option out there.

How wrong he has been.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, rising from his chair and he gives Kili a small bow. "I did not intend to make you angry, and I am sorry that you are bound to me in such an undesirable way. Your unhappiness was never my intent."

"I feel like - "

Dwalin can't bear to hear the words that Kili will say so he raises a hand and shakes his head, interrupting him by saying, "No, my King, there's no need to say anything else. You and I are perfectly clear. I apologize once more."

Kili lets him leave the room without further delay and Dwalin sneaks back to his own rooms like a common criminal. He only relaxes once the doors have been closed behind him and he is able to crawl into his bed, the sheets cold and stiff.

Today has been terrible, and while it has been the worst day of their marriage so far, Dwalin is realistic enough to know that it won't be the worst they have. No, that privilege surely lies with tomorrow.

***

He chooses to take his breakfast in Balin's rooms, because he has been alone with his thoughts all night and he knows that if he continues this, he will probably act rashly. So he sits at Balin's table and picks at his food as his brother reviews a pile of documents, keeping his food to the side so he doesn't spill.

Dwalin doesn't know how to bring up last night and the things Kili said to him. There's shame and embarrassment there, that Kili finds him so terrible, but there's also guilt warring within him, and the wedding feast will be the final stone in this deception. This is his last chance to set Kili free, and surely he should do so.

He heaves a sigh and pushes the plate away from him, his appetite is non-existent and he can't stomach the sweet honey cakes. He longs for Thorin's company, surely he would know how to handle Kili, he had a lot more practice at it than Dwalin ever did.

However, if Thorin was here, they wouldn't be in this predicament.

"Brother," he says lowly, not to startle Balin so he doesn't upend his tea all over his important scrolls. "I believe that we have made a mistake."

"What's that?" Balin glances up, frowning slightly. "What are you going on about?"

"We've made a mistake," Dwalin says again, this time a little more confidently. "I truly don't believe I can marry Kili. Surely there is something else we can figure out for him. I don't believe I am a suitable solution for him, not anymore."

"Dwalin, you're married, you've been married for months now! I don't know what idea has gotten into that head of yours, but I suggest you rid yourself of it, brother. Today is a celebration, let's focus on that."

"He doesn't want me," Dwalin says as softly as he can. "He has said as much and I cannot continue this sham in good conscience. It's a disrespect to Thorin's memory."

"Dain becoming King Under the Mountain over Kili would be disrespectful to Thorin's memory," Balin retorts. "The dwarves of Erebor banding together and finding a spouse from the Iron Hills or worse for Kili would be disrespectful! No, I would say that Thorin would be pleased enough with our plan."

"He _loves_ Tauriel, or at least he could," Dwalin persists. "He deserves a chance at love! I cannot offer him that."

"Says who?" Balin asks mildly, raising an eyebrow. "Perhaps you and Kili will become a true pairing."

"Balin!"

"At any rate, brother, even if he does love her desperately, the answer is a solid no," Balin scowls. "Imagine, the King of Erebor married to an _elf_! The very thought! Thorin would surely rise from the dead just to give us all a sound lashing for permitting such a travesty."

Dwalin tries to imagine the look on Thorin's face, should Kili marry an elf. It makes him smile, but the pain in his chest lingers all the same. Regardless if Kili cannot marry Tauriel or not, he still doesn't want to be bound to Dwalin, and by going forward, it feels a lot like coercion.

"All right, I understand your point regarding Tauriel. Perhaps he should have a say in who he marries then. Perhaps Ori, they've always been friends... or even Bofur, they grew close on the quest."

"He's already married, to you," Balin huffs out a sigh and glares at Dwalin. "I'm not sure what has gotten you scared, but it's too late. The feast tonight is just a celebration. You're already married and to change that now, we would lose any standing we have with Dain."

"So, there is nothing to be done then," Dwalin says heavily, leaning back in his seat and he drums his fingers along the wooden table. "Kili is destined to a life of misery, for the sake of Erebor."

"Essentially, yes, unless you manage to find a way to make him happy," Balin smiles before he sobers. "Don't think me cruel. I've loved him since he was born and it pains me to see him so lost. He shouldn't have had this life but sometimes life is unkind and we do what we must."

"Perhaps he will be happy yet," Dwalin says, more to himself than his brother. Balin hums in agreement, going back to his documents and Dwalin stands from the table, leaving his brother's rooms, his mind thick with thoughts.

If Dwalin claims a room in the army quarters, and leads patrols often enough, he will hardly have to see Kili at all. No, he shall spend few nights here in the Royal Apartments, enough to appease the folk but hardly any to appease Kili.

Perhaps distance from Dwalin will be the best thing to make Kili happy right now. 

However, distance will have to wait. At the wedding feast tonight, they will be sitting together alone at the high table of honor. They will have no one to ease the tension between them and worse, Dwalin knows that for the dwarves, elves, and Men invited, they will expect a romantic, newly-wed couple. They will have no idea of the sham they're witnessing.

Distance will have to come tomorrow morning.

***

Dwalin has always considered himself to be something of a fearless dwarf. He isn't the type to shirk away from his responsibilities and duties, if something must be done, he will step up and see it finished. There is little that can phase him, for he has seen battle and bloodshed and death - what can be more terrifying than that?

However, standing in his rooms, dressed in the Royal blue Consort clothing, Dwalin can fully admit he is terrified right now. He must be convincing, he must convince everyone in the Great Hall that he is a newly wedded husband that is pleased beyond belief - when in reality, his husband cannot stand the sight of him.

"You look good," Nori says, standing beside him and he looks at Dwalin in the mirror. "It's actually a nice color on you."

"You do look very respectable," Ori says with a smile. "Everyone will be thinking how lucky Kili is!"

Dwalin frowns and turns away from the mirror, facing the pair of brothers that had come to help him dress. While they both understand that he and Kili have never been in love, he can tell they both still find it oddly romantic all the same.

"If we can just get through tonight, it will be better tomorrow," he says heavily. "I'm going to leave on patrol tomorrow, I'm hoping to be gone a month."

"You can't go away for a month!" Ori's mouth drops open in surprise. "You're freshly married!"

"Not really," Dwalin turns away from him. "We've been married for awhile, and it's not like it's a real marriage anyway. He'll hardly miss me."

"It wouldn't look right," Nori tells him. "You can't do it, Dwalin. Already I overheard dwarves from the Iron Hills whispering."

"What were they saying?" He turns sharply to face Nori, his hands sub-consciously curling into fists. "They speak ill of him?"

"No, they think he's an all right king," Nori says. "However, they doubt _you_. You're hardly ever seen with him, and they're beginning to notice."

"He can't stand the sight of me, is it any wonder why I stay away?" He snaps before his brows furrow. "I don't want them doubting me, because this must work for his sake. Have you told Balin this?"

"No, I haven't. He has so many responsibilities," Nori shrugs his shoulders. "I figured I could just speak to you regarding it."

"We all have responsibilities," Dwalin says tightly, releasing his breath through his clenched teeth. "This is such ill timing. Tonight will be even more important then."

"Aye," Ori confirms, patting Dwalin's shoulder comfortingly. "I know you'll be able to have it look like you're in love. It's Kili, we're all fond of him!"

"I have been fond of Kili since he was a freshly born babe that was placed in my arms," Dwalin says, his mind delving into the past when Thorin had handed him the newborn prince, still red and squalling, fists clenched angrily at being forced to enter the world.

Dwalin had never held something so fragile in his hands before.

"Then focus on that," Ori says, crossing the room as there is a knock on the door and he pulls it open to reveal Kili, dressed in his own Royal clothing, silver and mithril running through the seams, his hair neatly braided for once. "Good evening, Kili!"

"I wasn't aware you had company," Kili says quietly as he enters the room.

"They're helping me dress," Dwalin says, surprised to see Kili but he keeps his tone flat, lest he scare Kili away. "I can't even begin to figure out how some of this stuff works."

"Dori did a wonderful job," Kili says, eyeing Dwalin critically and he forces himself to withstand the gazing. "You almost look respectable."

Dwalin can recognize a slight when it's slapping him in the face. He smiles tightly at Kili and nods his head. "Almost," he agrees.

"Kili," Ori reprimands gently. "Dwalin looks every inch respectable as your Royal Consort. Be kind to him."

"Leave us," Kili suddenly snaps, pointing to the door. "I wish to speak to Dwalin in peace and both of you can leave."

Nori and Ori both blink in surprise and Dwalin feels a surge of anger towards Kili for treating their good friends in such a matter. Nori and Ori are one of the few dwarves that understand the predicament they're in and driving them away will benefit no one, especially Dwalin who is relying on those who know the truth to keep his sanity.

"Be kind," Dwalin says, glaring at Kili who has lost so much but haven't they all - it is no reason to treat those they love so carelessly. "They have done nothing to warrant your temper. Be as cross as you please with me, but spare them your dramatics."

"You dare presume you can instruct me on how I should behave?" Kili says incredulously, raising his brows. "For weeks I have heard that I am King, that I am King Under the Mountain and it is my word that all must obey. And yet you dare think you can tell me otherwise?"

"I am your Consort, whether we like it or not," Dwalin says, stepping closer to Kili and he wants to smack him so badly, knock some sense back into that head that used to be so kind and carefree. "I am the only one who can tell you otherwise."

"You are nothing of the sort," Kili laughs, strangled and tight. "You are no longer my instructor when I was a child, you are no longer my companion on a doomed quest, and you are most certainly not my Consort. You are _nothing_ to me, Dwalin, son of Fundin."

"Kili!" Ori gasps, his eyes wide and his cheeks pale. "Don't be so cruel! You don't mean any of that!"

"I gave you an order, Ori," Kili says, pointing to the door again. "Take your troublesome brother and _get out_."

Dwalin immediately fears for Kili then because the look that crosses Nori's face isn't one to be trifled with. He steps forward, bracing a hand against Nori's shoulder and shakes his head. "Please just go," he says lowly. "I'll handle this."

Nori's jaw clenches tightly but he nods his head and spins around, striding out of the room, Ori scurrying behind him. The door slams angrily behind them, the stone door reverberating loudly in the sudden silence of the room. When Dwalin turns to look at Kili, he is relieved to see that the younger dwarf doesn't have the courage to meet his gaze.

"Want to tell me what's going on in that mind of yours?" He asks shortly, rubbing his face and he goes to sit down on a lounge chair. Kili remains silent, although to his credit, he comes and sits down beside Dwalin, close enough that their knees brush. Dwalin tries again. "I forgive you for your angry words, and so will they," he says softly. "I'm worried about you."

To his complete chagrin, Kili bursts into tears, burying his face into his hands as sobs wrack his frame. Dwalin hesitates before he leans forward and rests his hand against his shoulder. He squeezes Kili's shoulder briefly before he retreats and allows him his sorrow.

"I'm sorry," Kili murmurs, scrubbing the sleeve of his tunic across his reddened, damp eyes. "I don't mean to be so cruel."

"I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that tonight will be easy," Dwalin says, because he knows it won't be. It will require their stretch of acting and they will both have to play convincing roles in order to make this whole ordeal worth it.

"I'm always hurting," Kili admits. "Regardless of what is happening around me, all I can focus on is the hole in my chest. I am _miserable_."

Dwalin can sympathize, for he still mourns the loss of Thorin and Fili as well, although he knows the two can't be compared. He has no words of comfort he can bring Kili though, not when everything is still so fresh and new.

He isn't given a chance to reply though, because suddenly the door is thrown open and Dain strides through, a jovial smile on his face. Dwalin isn't sure how he managed to gain access to the Royal Apartments, but the fact that he will see Dwalin has his own rooms is one that will be disconcerting.

Dwalin stands and steps forward to greet the other dwarf, doing his best to remain calm. Whoever let him through will pay a hefty price indeed. "Dain," he says, forcing a smile upon his face. "What brings you here? The feast is to begin soon."

"Aye, the feast is almost upon us, and yet the pair of lovebirds is nowhere to be found," Dain exclaims, stepping around Dwalin to peer down at Kili. "Kili, lad, are you all right? Have you been crying?"

"No," Kili says quickly, rising to his feet and he smoothes out his formal clothing. "I'm fine."

"You certainly don't look fine," Dain says doubtfully, looking between them before his gaze settles on Dwalin and he frowns. "Everything all right between the pair of you?"

"Not that it is any of your concern, but we are fine," Dwalin says, stepping closer to Kili and he touches his shoulder reassuringly. "Kili is simply mourning the fact that his brother is not here to celebrate with him."

Kili nods his head and smiles tightly at Dain. "That's right," he says. "I always imagined my brother beside me when I wed. It is a bit difficult to see reality play out otherwise. What can we do for you, though? You should not be here."

"I came to speak to Dwalin, so imagine my surprise when I was led here," Dain glances around the rooms curiously before his eyes lighten. "Ah, I recognize these rooms! These are Thorin's old rooms!"

"Aye," Dwalin confirms. "They are also my rooms, when I have need for them."

"Need for them?" Dain winks at him. "I hope they are not needed often, although the idea of you being delegated away from your marriage bed like a naughty dwarf is an amusing one."

Kili's face tightens and he takes a step closer to Dain. "You dare presume I would send Dwalin away from our bed? No, the only time he has needs of these rooms is when we're both preparing ourselves for an event or if he is out late due to patrol and doesn't wish to see me disturbed, as the little sleep I receive these days is precious enough. Take your implications and leave us, Dain. We will see you later tonight."

"My most sincere apologies!" Dain says quickly, smiling at Kili gently. "I meant no offense towards you. I was simply teasing Dwalin."

"A slight against my husband is a slight against me," Kili retorts, any remnants of his tears long gone.

"Truly, I meant no insult," Dain says, turning away from Kili and he focuses his attention on to Dwalin, who stiffens slightly. "Before I leave, though, I had to enquire one thing. I shall be leaving after the feast, probably in two day's time. I was wondering if you and a few of your soldiers would escort us out of Erebor, Dwalin."

"The King and I will discuss it," Dwalin says, walking over towards the door and he opens it, hoping that Dain will take the obvious hint and leave them in peace. "We will see you shortly at the feast."

"Yes, of course, forgive me for disturbing you," Dain says, winking at Kili before he strides from the room. Dwalin shuts the door behind him and sighs heavily.

"That was close," he murmurs.

"I'm sorry," Kili grounds out. "I promise that I will do better next time. I don't know how he even got in here."

"I'll speak to the guard," Dwalin says before he straightens his taller frame. "Are you ready to head down? We don't have to stay very long."

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," Kili says glumly, following Dwalin over to the door. "Let's hope that it isn't too painful."

Dwalin laughs hollowly at that and opens the door, escorting Kili from his room and he follows him down the hallways to where the Grand Hall lays and where the wedding feast shall be held.

His chest tightens at every joyful smile he sees until he feels like he can no longer breathe but the Hall glitters in grandness and somehow, for Erebor and for Thorin, Dwalin feels like he has done something right.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the new tag. This story went a different direction than originally planned so tags have been adjusted accordingly.

Despite custom, Kili chooses not to spend the majority of his evening at the high table of honour with Dwalin. Rather, Dwalin watches in confusion as Kili abruptly stands once they are finished dining and strides down the dais to join Ori at a table. Kili laughs at something Ori says, reaching for a goblet of wine and he downs it on a single swallow. 

Rather than be shamed, Dwalin forces an indulgent smile on his face and he raises his own goblet to Ori and nods his head. Even from this distance he can see Ori's cheeks are pink and Nori's eyes are narrowed. From the corner of his eye, Dwalin can see Balin hurrying up to the table to spare him the embarrassment. 

"He's got a mind of his own," Balin murmurs, sliding into Kili's open chair. 

Dwalin continues to smile, even though he is seething inside. Kili was never raised to be King, this is true, but he was raised as a Prince of Erebor and even he is aware of custom and tradition. Is Dwalin really that intolerable that he can't even bear to remain in his presence for a moment longer?

"He despises me," Dwalin mutters, setting his fork down. His appetite was questionable to begin with, this complete show of dislike has erased it completely. "I told you Balin, we should not have forced his hand."

"He is not a child," Balin says sharply. "Gandalf made a wise suggestion and Kili agreed to it. He knew what he was agreeing to, I wish you wouldn't blame yourself."

"You would blame yourself if he looked at you the way he does me," Dwalin says darkly. "He loathes me."

"He will learn in time," Balin says, motioning for more drinks to be brought to their table. "Be patient."

"I will try," Dwalin says, movement catching his eye and he watches as Bilbo sidles in through a side door and sits at the back at a table all alone. "Excuse me, brother," he says, rising to his feet. "I have someone I must speak to."

"You ought to know better!" 

"If the King doesn't value tradition, why should I?" Dwalin retorts before he steps down from the dais and makes his way to the back of the room. He ignores the looks that come his way and instead doesn't stop until he has reached the small table that Bilbo sits at. 

"Oh, hello Dwalin," Bilbo says hoarsely, looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes and Dwalin feels his chest clench. 

He is not the only one who sorely wishes Thorin was here, he is not the only one who has shed tears for Thorin Oakenshield. He is not alone in his grief, there are those who are almost perhaps worse off. 

"Hello my friend, may I sit with you?" Dwalin gestures to the empty seat beside Bilbo. 

"Of course, of course," Bilbo says hurriedly, even pulling the chair back for Dwalin. "Are you not needed elsewhere?"

"No," Dwalin says, forcing a smile to remain on his lips. It is not Bilbo's fault that Kili is troublesome. "This is my wedding feast and I shall do as I please. And right now, that involves talking with you."

"Well, I am touched," Bilbo says and Dwalin doesn't miss the sincerity he hears. "However, I am poor company these days, I am afraid."

"Aren't we all," Dwalin replies, his chest hurting once more. Will he ever be able to think of his friend and not grieve so?

"Still, I am pleased for you," Bilbo says, hesitation heavy in his voice. "Marriage with Kili... it is a good thing, is it not?"

Bilbo, who knows the true nature of their relationship, should know that it is not a blessing. He should know that dwarves only love once and that by marrying Kili, Dwalin has chosen to damn their king to a life void of love. Kili has sacrificed the most precious thing in Middle Earth, just to rule a mountain. 

_Thorin's mountain_ , Dwalin thinks fiercely. They would all sacrifice whatever was demanded of them for Thorin. This is simply just one more token to add to the already labouring list. 

"It is," he finally says, turning his back to the other tables so he is able to have some privacy. "In time, it will be."

"I would have liked to be married here," Bilbo says wistfully before his cheeks turn pink and he ducks his head. "I'm sorry, I suspect that is something you have little desire to hear of."

"I sorely wish you had been able to," Dwalin says, meaning it from the deepest crevices of his heart. "I must say, I had never seen Thorin so joyous than when he was with you."

"Well, for the most part," Bilbo says awkwardly and oh yes, the matter of the Arkenstone. 

"You made peace once more," he says, patting Bilbo's hand gently. "He departed as friends."

"I wish he had never departed at all," Bilbo grits out, curling his shoulders inward. "I wish we had more time, I wish we had done _more_."

"I know," Dwalin says softly, catching flaming red hair in the crowd and Kili laughs brightly. 

"Enough of that," Bilbo says bracingly, pressing his hands on the table and he pushes himself upwards to sit straight once more. "Will you and Kili be... a normal married couple?"

Dwalin notes the dark blush on Bilbo's cheeks and can only surmise what he means. His chest twinges uncomfortably as he shakes his head. "Not likely, I'm afraid. Perhaps in time, but for now, we shall mostly live apart."

"I must admit," Bilbo says before he glances around them, lowering his voice. "I am curious as to why Gandalf selected you. The reasons he gave were sound, but it all seems rather pointless, does it not? In time, Kili will grow old and wither away. What shall become of Erebor then? I find it odd that Gandalf would not suggest a trusted female."

"Our count of females is low," Dwalin says slowly. He is never fully aware of what Bilbo knows and understands about dwarvish culture. He is not sure what Thorin had explained to him in the brief weeks of love they shared. "And a female isn't always necessary to continuing a line."

Bilbo blinks at him before he nods his head. "Of course," he says with a small smile. "It is what Thorin did. He had no children of his own, so he made Fili and Kili his heirs. Does Kili have any remaining relatives to rule after him?"

Dwalin's heart sinks in his chest as he realizes that Bilbo doesn't understand this special custom. He takes a bracing sip of wine before he speaks. "No, Kili is the last of Durin to rule - "

"You are his cousin, though," Bilbo frowns. "As is Dain. Rather than Dain rule the mountain, why could they not just have a different cousin take the throne?"

"It is not that simple." Dwalin shakes his head. "I am Dwalin, son of Fundin. I am not of the line of Durin."

"Well, that seems a little silly to me," Bilbo says. "If you're all equally related, why bother going to the Iron Hills?"

"We will not be going to the Iron Hills," Dwalin says, exasperated suddenly. Dwarvish culture is private and sacredly guarded, he has little desire to spill it all to Bilbo. However, Bilbo had saved their lives. Bilbo had expressed bravery and love beyond belief and therefore, he was not a stranger anymore. He is one of them, he is a part of the Company, and in turn - he is to be trusted with any and all information. 

"Would you ever hire a female to carry a child for you?" Bilbo asks curiously. "In the shire, there was a lovely couple who could not bear, for whatever reason. After much grieving, the sister of the wife laid with the husband and conceived a child for her sister. Granted, that can become a bit messy if family politics go awry, but it worked for them."

"Any dwarf can bear a child," Dwalin blurts out, louder than he intended for he sees a few heads turn his way and he promptly lowers his voice. "Mahal gifted our race graciously so when he carved us from stone. He knew we would struggle in numbers and in his love for us, enabled every dwarf the ability to conceive."

"But you are male," Bilbo says dumbly, his eyes widened to the size of tea saucers. "You and Kili are both male."

"Yes, we are," Dwalin agrees. "Like I said though, any dwarf can bear a child. It is not a common practice anymore, but many kings have descended from two fathers."

"So you could bear an heir for Kili." Bilbo's eyes travel over Dwalin's form and he has to force himself not to blush. He's not entirely successful.

"Kili would bear the child, should we be so blessed," he says because there is much he is willing to do for Erebor but he has limits. Nothing good and pure can come out of his scarred, worn body.

"So that's why Dain was so displeased with your union," Bilbo murmurs, shooting a furrowed look in Dain's direction. "Now that Kili is wed, his chance for the throne becomes even slimmer."

"Precisely," Dwalin says as he spots Dis striding towards them with purpose written on her face. "Bilbo, I'm afraid I must attend to something but please, let us keep our conversation tonight to ourselves."

"Of course, Dwalin," Bilbo says and the hurt is evident in his tone. It is smoothed over though once Dis reaches them and Bilbo hurries to stand from his chair so he may bow. The respect he gives Dis is fitting, Dwalin thinks. Thorin would be pleased. 

"Bilbo, darling, I am so pleased to see you again," Dis says as she clasps his hands in her own. 

Upon her arrival, Dwalin had been the one to sit her down and tell her about Bilbo Baggins and his strength. He had been the one to tell her how a small hobbit from the Shire had warmed the hard heart of Thorin Oakenshield and how to the Company, he was one of theirs. 

Thorin had claimed him for his own and so in turn, they all had. And now so did Dis.

"I will be leaving shortly," Bilbo says. "I thought perhaps I could remain for a period of time but I believe it to be best to leave sooner. I am sorry that we didn't get to spend more time together."

"Oh, you must stay for a bit." A twist of pain settles over Dis' face and Dwalin knows why she wants Bilbo to stay. He is the last link to Thorin, the last person to experience Thorin's love. 

"It's painful to be here," Bilbo says simply. "I long to return to Bag End and put this behind me."

Dwalin and Dis both bristle at that, like Thorin is something to simply put in the past and be done with. For as long as Dwalin breathes, he will mourn the loss of Thorin. There is no putting behind, regardless of where he may travel to. The empty hole in his heart will always remind him of the dwarf that was gone too soon. 

"I am sorry you feel that way," Dis says and the warmth from her voice is gone. 

Bilbo must realize his misstep because his face crumples into fresh tears and he pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket, twisting it anxiously between his fingers. "I've offended you, haven't I? Oh, I am sorry, both of you. I don't mean that I will just forget about him. I will long for Thorin for the rest of my days."

"Peace, Bilbo," Dwalin says because he has no desire to see Bilbo cry anew. He has seen the hobbit suffer plenty in the past few weeks. "We understand."

"He was my soulmate, in every way that a hobbit can have a soulmate," Bilbo says wistfully. "And I know dwarves only love once and hobbits love freely but in this I believe I am more dwarf than hobbit for I fear I shall never love again."

Soothed by the sincerity of his words, Dis embraces him and Dwalin leaves her to it, unable to handle anymore grief. He can't afford to get caught up in his own sorrow and wallow in the loss of Thorin and Fili. Somehow, Erebor has been entrusted to his care and Dwalin can't fail in this task. 

He spots Kili out between the tables, his lower lip tucked behind his teeth as he spins Tauriel around, her red hair a streak of fire. The elves around them are laughing, surely drunk for why else would they be so carefree in the midst of dwarves? 

Legolas sits at a table, the representative from Mirkwood and Dwalin's upper lip curls at the sight of him. If it hadn't been for Legolas and his father, they would have reached Erebor sooner. They would have had more time to prepare for lay before them and perhaps Thorin would not have been lost. 

Perhaps Thorin and Fili would have both lived and perhaps Dwalin wouldn't have been handed the most precious gift. He watches Kili's dark eyes sparkle and his lips curve in a smile. He watches until it makes his chest hurt and he turns away, ready to tuck himself between empty, cool sheets where he can be alone. 

"Leaving so soon?" 

It's Dain and Dwalin has to steel himself before he turns around, a readymade smile already on his face. It takes Dwalin all that he has to be polite to Dain, especially since he knows what Dain desires and it's not the best for Kili. If Thorin was here, he would be ashamed of his cousin. 

"I am old and tired," Dwalin says, relieved that plenty of dwarves have already retired and the ones remaining are the young, ready to celebrate and drink the entire stock of wine away that the elves from Mirkwood brought. "There is much work to do and I need my sleep."

"You also need your bridegroom," Dain says with a perverse wink. "A wedding night alone isn't much of one at all!"

"Kili will return in due time," Dwalin forces himself to laugh. "We consummated our relationship a year ago and a difference of a few hours will hardly matter. Let him enjoy his celebration - he has not seen some of these friends for awhile and will not see them anytime soon again."

"Yes, King Kili and his love for the elf. Elves, I should say," Dain corrects himself and Dwalin forces himself to unclench his fists. "Most unusual."

"Battle bonds you in a way you can't explain," Dwalin says because he can hardly say that Kili's elf saved his life and bonded with him in a way that Dwalin will never be able to duplicate. "I will tell him not to be long, though. My patience has its limits."

He leaves then, finding satisfaction in not giving Dain time to respond to his crude remark. Instead, he weaves his way through the crowd until he reaches Kili's side. He is standing by the table now, in a drinking war with Gimli, Gloin's boy who had finally come with his mother to Erebor. Gimli had been the closest thing to another brother Kili had had and Dwalin can only hope that they will remain close during this time. Kili will need him now more than ever. 

"Dwalin," Ori says in relief, sidling up to him and he pitches his voice so low that Dwalin can scarcely hear him over the loud murmur of their guests. "Are you here to take Kili for the evening? I think you should... he has consumed much alcohol."

"I thought I would let him celebrate," Dwalin says with a frown, noting the high pink spots on Kili's cheeks and the glazed look in his eyes. "Keep an eye on him for me, will you Ori?"

"I'll try," Ori says, but he sounds dubious at his own reliability. 

"Kili is young but he is still King," Dwalin says quietly. "Don't let him make too much of a fool out of himself."

Satisfied with Ori's nod, he steps away from the young scribe and moves closer to Kili, touching his elbow to get his attention. Kili is drunk enough that when he turns and sees that it is Dwalin, he steps back. Dwalin hopes that he is not drunk enough to the point where he says anything incriminating. 

"Husband," Kili says mockingly, giving Dwalin a low bow. "What brings you over here?"

Dwalin wants to swear, wants to pull Kili from this room before he can inflict any damage to himself and to what they have built. However, he simply smiles at him and says, "I am retiring for the evening."

"And whatever shall I do?" Kili takes another long swallow of his wine, thumping the glass down on the table. "Another!"

"You may do whatever you like," Dwalin says, uncomfortable aware that every elf in the room is staring at them and listening to every word. There are a few dwarves watching them as well, such as Ori with worry and Gimli with disbelief. Gimli, who had not been told of their deception, had not spoke to Kili for three days because he had not trusted Gimli with the secret of his supposed love. 

"A most gracious husband!" Kili shouts with laughter, grabbing his goblet that has now been filled and he toasts Dwalin with it. 

"Enjoy yourself, this is a cause for celebration," Dwalin says, and he means it. They have accomplished much and while tonight should be a celebration of love, instead it is a celebration of life and Dwalin does desire for Kili to enjoy himself. "I will see you whenever you are ready for sleep."

Gimli mutters something that causes those around him to laugh. Kili turns a dark red and Dwalin decides not to push his luck. He squeezes Kili's shoulder and then retreats from the room while he can. 

Balin tracks him down before he can get too far from the Grand Hall and the look of horror and outrage on his brother's face is almost enough to make him laugh. Almost. 

"What is it, brother?" He asks instead because he knows there is always something. 

"You're leaving for the evening? You ought to be taking Kili with you, you must realize how this presents itself."

"Dain has already spoken to me regarding it and I have young Ori ensuring that Kili minds himself," he says lowly. "This is a celebration and I have no place being here, not anymore. Let me sleep, Balin."

His brother studies with him with a look that is almost sympathetic and Dwalin turns roughly from him, unable to bear the pity. He has chosen this life and he would do so again, regardless of how unwilling Kili appears to be. 

"Goodnight Dwalin," his brother says simply. "Congratulations."

He does not answer him. 

His bed is just as empty and cold as he had suspected it would be but he crawls in gratefully all the same. Tonight had not been as bad as it could have been, but the way Kili had recoiled from his sight is something that will not leave him for a long time. 

Fitfully, he sleeps.

***

Despite Nori's insistence that Dwalin should stay close to Kili right now, shortly after the wedding feast and after Dain had gone, Dwalin gathers his pack and goes on patrol. He doesn't go for the full month he desires to, but he does go for a week and he selects Nori to accompany him, grateful for the company.

On their second last day, Nori sits down beside him and leans his back against the rock that Dwalin is currently residing against. Nori pulls a small dagger out of his pocket and begins to carve chunks out of an apple, offering one to Dwalin.

Dwalin accepts and licks the juice off of his own fingers as he bites into the crisp treat. “Thanks,” he says. “Been awhile since I've had an apple.”

“Yes, you'd think you would realize that you can't survive on a diet of meat alone,” Nori says with a grin, taking a bite of his own. “Or bread.”

“Leave bread out of this, it's done nothing wrong,” Dwalin says sternly because he won't have bread's reputation be tarnished. There is nothing more satisfying than bread fresh from the oven and thankfully, Bombur is the Royal Cook and knows Dwalin's weakness. He plies him with plenty of bread and jam and honey.

Nori grins and reaches into his pack, pulling out a wrapped loaf of bread and he rips off a hunk and passes it to Dwalin. “You seem happier these days.”

Dwalin shrugs his shoulders. He doesn't wish to discuss Kili, because Kili is Nori's King and Nori's loyalty has been questionable from the start. It's only lately that he's begun to build himself a proper foundation and Dwalin has little desire to shake it. Besides, it's his duty to protect Kili, and somehow, the idea of gossiping about him, doesn't sit well.

“How can I be anything but happy when I have bread?” He says lightly, taking a bite of the bread. It's slightly stale from their travels, and a spot of honey would go a long way, but Dwalin won't complain. It's a nice variant from the game they've been gnawing on.

“You know what I mean,” Nori says, narrowing his eyes. “You're pleased to be out of that mountain.”

The bread suddenly feels thick in his mouth and Dwalin forces it down in a hard swallow. “Erebor is my home,” he says, even though it's not true. Ered Luin is his home, really. “I lost my closest friend in order to gain Erebor. It is my greatest priority.”

“Yes, I imagine it is, rather than Kili,” Nori says, and rolls out of the way as Dwalin's fist lashes out.

Dwalin scowls at the deflecting and pushes himself to his feet, glaring down at Nori. “You dare speak ill of him?”

“No,” Nori climbs to his feet and tosses Dwalin another chunk of bread. “However, you married him for Erebor, didn't you? It's not because you're in love with him. I'm only speaking facts.”

“Do me a favour and shut your mouth,” Dwalin says, flushing because Nori is right. Dwalin isn't in love with Kili yet and he did marry him to protect Erebor. It's not that simple though and it's offensive to imply that it is.

“Shut it for me,” Nori challenges, taking a step closer to Dwalin.

Dwalin blinks in surprise and stares down at the other dwarf, sure that he's heard him wrong. “Pardon?”

“You heard me correctly,” Nori says, taking another step closer to Dwalin. “You're not in love with him, so why shouldn't you seek desire with someone who knows you, who _understands_ you? Kili has been a prince all his life, he doesn't understand you, a warrior.”

“I am also a noble,” Dwalin says. “And Kili wasn't raised as a prince. I know you think his family got special treatment, and 'course they did, but he wasn't raised as a true Prince of Erebor is. He watched Thorin and Fili both fall. I would wager a guess that he understands war.”

“Fine, maybe he does,” Nori shrugs his shoulders. “It doesn't matter though. At the end, you don't love him and he sure as hell doesn't love you. Why shouldn't you be happy?”

“I'm happy enough,” Dwalin says uncomfortably, for he doesn't like the direction this conversation is headed. He is ill-equipped to deal with such advances, he needs Balin here for support. “I had plenty of years to be happy and have my fun. I don't mind giving those up for Erebor.”

“I'm saying you can have both, you big oaf,” Nori says, exasperation evident in his tone. “You can have your dirty old mountain, and you can have _me_.”

Dwalin blinks uncomprehendingly at him and Nori huffs out a sigh, reaching to tangle his hand in Dwalin's furs and he yanks him down and close so he can kiss him. Dwalin freezes at the intimate contact. He has never imagined kissing anyone besides Kili again, and he hasn't even really imagined doing _that_.

Well, he has imagined it a little. Okay, he's imagined it quite a bit – a marriage where Kili is pleased with him and they tumble into bed with laughter. Only, Dwalin has never been the laughing type, and Kili hasn't truly smiled, let alone laugh, since he lost Fili.

He pulls back with a regretful look on his face. “Nori,” he says gently, because he doesn't know _how_ to turn someone down. Nobody has ever wanted him before. “I cannot do this.”

“Kili kissed Tauriel the night of your wedding feast,” Nori retorts, his eyes flashing.

Dwalin feels searing pain in his chest and clenches his hand to keep it at his side, rather than dig into skin and flesh and rip his heart right out. He knows Kili cares for Tauriel, and he knows that Kili is young with desires, but to actually hear proof of such a thing...

Kili will never desire Dwalin. He is male, and old, and hideous beyond belief. His body bears witness to the wars he has won and the battles he has lost. He is heavily scarred, along his skin and on his heart. He is incapable of love and he would be foolish to deny Kili a chance at it.

“Did he,” he says flatly, taking a step back from Nori and he turns to begin gathering his pack together.

“Why does this not bother you?” Nori shouts before he lowers his voice. “Your husband had his hand up the skirt of an _elf_ on the night of your wedding feast and you do nothing!”

Dwalin swallows thickly. “What am I to do?” He asks quietly. “I married Kili to keep him safe. He swore to be loyal to me, but he didn't swear to be faithful. I won't hold him to a vow he didn't make.”

“So why do you deny yourself?” Nori pleads, moving closer to him once more. “Why will you not give us a chance?”

“Because it could hurt him, and I will not allow that,” Dwalin shakes his head. “All my life I have hurt people, and I cannot continue such a lifestyle.”

Nori curses at him, low and violent, and wheels sharply away. Dwalin watches him go and sighs, feeling like he has let something precious slip from his fingertips. Shaking his head, he slides his pack on to his shoulders and slowly follows behind Nori.

***

When he returns, he is explicitly angry with Kili. He has had time to dwell on Nori's words and while he can't fault Kili for acting like the young dwarf he is, he would be wise to be discreet. They have both given up far too much for this to go awry now.

He throws his pack across his room with a growl but it doesn't satisfy the urge inside of him to hurt something. He would go spar except he knows his anger is too far gone and he will end up falling in his old ways and destroying something he shouldn't.

He dines in his rooms that evening, declining Balin's offer to eat with him. He tells him that he will see him tomorrow once he has rested. He makes no mention of Kili and wisely, Balin does the same. Once he finishes eating, he sets his tray of food outside his doors and then goes into his bathing chambers to draw himself a bath. Hot mountain springs gush into the stone bath and he strips himself naked and climbs in.

The water has only just begun to cool when he can hear his doors being thrown open and he grimaces, not desiring for whoever came into his rooms to come further into the bathing chamber and see him naked.

“I'm unavailable,” he calls out, hoping that Balin (since it is most likely Balin and his inability to leave well enough alone) will be dissuaded and leave.

“I don't care,” a voice snaps and he closes his eyes, recognizing Kili's voice. When he reopens his eyes, Kili is standing in the doorway, although to his credit, he keeps his eyes above the waist. “You and I need to speak.”

“Surely it can wait until tomorrow when I am more prepared to receive visitors?” Dwalin says, knowing his words are cold. They have the effect he desires, for Kili flinches.

“I am not any visitor,” he says heatedly. “I am your husband, in case you have forgotten!”

“I haven't forgotten anything, but you can hardly say the same,” Dwalin counters, desperately wishing he was dressed.

Kili raises his eyebrows in surprise. Dwalin has known Kili since he was born, and for years he was like an uncle to Kili – and he knows what a look of guilt is on Kili's face, and he sees that same, familiar look now.

“Get dressed,” Kili says sharply, moving out of the doorway and Dwalin can hear him moving to the lounge where he sits in a chair.

Glaring, Dwalin removes himself from the bath and rubs himself down briskly before he slides on trousers and a loose sleep shirt. He pads out into his chambers and sits across from Kili, wanting to get the fight out of the way because after sleeping on the hard ground for a week, he is looking forward to burying himself under his furs.

“What?”

“What did you mean by that comment?” Kili asks quietly, meeting Dwalin's gaze. “When you said I had forgotten.”

At the anxious look on Kili's face, Dwalin feels the majority of his anger web away, leaving him feeling weary to the bone. He swallows thickly and shakes his head. “I meant nothing.”

“No, Dwalin, you meant something,” Kili persists. “I'd ask that you tell me.”

“You are young and I hardly fault you for seeking desire elsewhere, Mahal knows you won't find it with me,” Dwalin's voice catches at that but he forges on ahead. “I never asked you to be faithful because I could not condemn you to a miserable life of chastity. All I ask for is discretion.”

Kili's cheeks pale of color and he looks away from Dwalin. “Who told you?”

The fact that he doesn't play foolish hurts more than Dwalin is willing to acknowledge right now. “That does not matter. I don't wish for private matters of your life to become public fodder so please be more mindful in the future.”

“How can you be so kind?” Kili asks bleakly. “I am married to you and yet you encourage me to behave otherwise.”

“I don't encourage you to do anything,” Dwalin says, his tone sharp. “I am simply aware that you will do so anyway and so I must ask you to be discreet.”

“It's over, at any rate,” Kili shrugs his shoulders. “She is unwilling to compromise herself so.”

“Then she is wise,” Dwalin says, and it pains him to compliment the elf that has tasted Kili more thoroughly than he has – than he ever will. “If you are good in heart, Kili, you will let her go. You cannot offer her what she desires.”

“I know,” Kili says softly. “I thought, perhaps, at some point, I could, but... we are married.”

“Aye, I'm afraid we are married,” Dwalin agrees. “I still feel like I owe you an apology for that. We rushed the decision of marrying you off and we should have listened less to Gandalf and more to you. You ought to have had a say in who you bound your life to.”

“I would have chosen differently,” Kili says bitterly.

“I know,” Dwalin says through numb lips. He is never anybody's first choice, unless it comes to pain and death. “I'm sorry. I will do my best to stay out of this mountain, as much as I can.”

“That won't change anything,” Kili says, tipping over on the long, lounge chair he is sitting on so he can curl up. “It will only make Balin angry, and he's been angry enough with me this week.”

“I hope he hasn't been giving you too much trouble,” Dwalin says. “Be firm with him, he still sees you as the wild, reckless little prince neither of us could pin down. It's hard for him to see you as King.”

“You didn't even like me as a child,” Kili murmurs, closing his eyes. “It's no wonder you hate me now.”

Dwalin opens his mouth to argue but slowly closes it. He has no defense – he was hardly close to Kili as a child. He hadn't known what to do with him. Kili had been wilful and determined, little bright eyes glinting under a dark mop that had shadowed Fili everywhere he went. 

The one and only time Dwalin had been left to babysit them, Kili had burnt his chubby little hand and Dwalin had nearly fallen apart at the wails that wouldn't stop. He had sworn he would never watch them again, no matter how much Thorin begged. 

He was not to be trusted. 

"I don't hate you," he says carefully, because if anything, he feels quite the opposite.

Kili sighs and remains lying where he is. "I don't know what to believe anymore," he says. "If I could have anything in the world right now, it would be Fili."

Dwalin doesn't know what he would wish for. Probably Thorin, simply so Kili wouldn't have the responsibility of the crown and Dwalin wouldn't have to force him to endure a marriage with him.

"I wish I could bring your brother back for you," he says. "Fili was... good and pure. Even in the darkest times of my life, Fili shone brightly. I remember when he was born, you know. It was the first time I saw Thorin cry."

"Of course you would say that," Kili says, the bitterness still clinging to his voice. "Everyone loved Fili more. I am sure many dwarves wish that he was still here so he could rule. I never blamed him though because I know he is better than I."

"I didn't care for Fili more, you were both equal in my eyes," Dwalin says hurriedly. "I just... knew how to handle Fili better. For years we would spar or we would train with his blades. You never listened to me and waved a bow around. What do I know about bows and arrows?"

"Not much," Kili says with a poorly hidden smile.

"Not much," Dwalin agrees, rubbing his face. "I tried but even then you had little desire to spend time in my company. I suppose we were destined to always be ill-suited to each other."

"I suppose so," Kili snaps, lunging from the chair and he glares down at Dwalin. "Next time you arrive back from a patrol, I expect you to report to me before you skive off for a bath."

Dwalin blinks at the sudden change of attitude and feels a returning surge of anger. He is far more experienced than Kili is in the matters of patrols and guarding, he is the Captain of the Guard and controls Erebor's entire army. He reports to _no one_.

"Why should I?" He raises an eyebrow, challenging him. "What do you know of patrols? You spend your days wallowing in the past, why should I consult you in any matter that exists beyond your dead brother?"

It's too much, he's gone too far. He immediately reaches out, feeling sick deep in his gut. "Kili - "

Kili scrambles out of his grasp and glares at him, hands that are clenched into fists vibrating at his side. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

"I'm sorry," Dwalin says, reaching for him again and he hauls Kili into a hug, holding him tighter as Kili squirms against him in protest. "I should have not said that, lad. I didn't mean it, truly, I didn't. You take all the time you need to grieve Fili. He is deserving of it."

"How dare you say that," Kili spits out, clawing whatever inch of Dwalin's skin he can reach. Dwalin grimaces in pain and holds on. "How dare you call him my dead brother like that's all he is!"

"He is your dead brother, Kili," Dwalin whispers. "He is Fili and we love him but he has been returned to the stone. He's gone."

"And I'm alone," Kili says, the fighting draining out of him and he sags against Dwalin's chest, moisture dampening Dwalin's thin sleep shirt. "I'm all alone."

"I'm here," Dwalin says, a bit awkwardly, for all they do is argue and he's positive that he's hardly a comfort to Kili.

"Unfortunately, yes, you are," Kili says, pulling away and Dwalin lets him go. "Please come to me the next time you return from patrol and we can discuss it together. That's all I had to say."

"Right," Dwalin says tightly. "And next time you want to kiss someone who is not your spouse, be more discreet about it and do it elsewhere than in front of witnesses. That's all _I_ have to say."

"Fine," Kili says, turning around on his heel and he heads for the door. "Good night, Dwalin."

Dwalin doesn't reply. He watches Kili shut the door behind himself and then he whirls around, his arm lashing out and he sweeps the decorative vases along a half wall on to the stone floor, watching in satisfaction as they all shatter into irreparable pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

Slowly, time passes. 

Every day that he wakes screaming, Kili is convinced that this is the final day he will draw breath. Eventually, his heart will crumble inside his chest and he will cease to be no more. He will return to the stone and in that, be reunited with Fili. He will no longer dream of blood and sorrow, he will no longer spend his days in fog and misery. 

And yet, every day he wakes and every day he continues to live. 

Seasons change. 

The temperature grows cold and the leaves fall from the trees, littering the ground so every crunchy step Kili makes scares off game. He takes to the trees, often alone, thanking every branch that holds his weight as he does his best to bring in enough food to last them the winter. He sees not much of Dwalin and prefers it that way. They correspond through Balin and Ori and sometimes, Kili even forgets about him altogether. 

Fall bleeds into winter that brings the frost and snow. Hunting game becomes scarce and Kili fears for the lives of his people. He relies heavily on Balin to negotiate trades with Bard and even with Mirkwood. Through the help of elves and men, Erebor survives the winter. Kili is unsure of how his uncle would feel about this, but they lose not a single dwarf and Balin tells him he's done well so Kili considers their first winter a success. 

Spring brings forth life. The trees bud anew and the animals return to the mountain side and the forest, birthing their spawn at the gates. He receives news from the makeshift camp that a female dwarf has given birth to a healthy son. They hold a blessing ceremony for the first child born in Erebor and his parents name him Filin.

Kili's chest hurts a little less that day. 

Summer comes as a surprise, their pantries full to the brim and the game abounds outside. Kili has his first Council meeting where he doesn't rely on Balin to carry it through, nor does he wake that night in terror of mistakes he has made. He runs into young dwarves who are re-enacting the Battle of the Five Armies. Their Thorin is mighty and though it pains him, he smiles at the sight regardless. 

On the eve of the first anniversary, Kili drinks himself into a stupor in his rooms. He refuses Dwalin, Ori, Gimli, and even Bofur admittance, rather he lays on his bed until everything spins. Distantly, he hears someone crying wretchedly - long jagged sobs that tear at his chest. He realizes it is himself making those noises by the time Dwalin has forced himself inside the room in concern. 

It is a dark night, one that Kili only remembers in snatches of memory but when he wakes in the morn, he remembers feeling cared for, held and loved.

***

“Are you paying a speck of attention to anything I'm saying?” Balin's disapproving voice breaks through his thoughts and Kili's head jerks up from where it had been resting on his arm.

“Yes,” he says, even though he hasn't been, not at all. It's been over a year since Kili was crowned King and yet, the duties still bore him. “You're discussing the council meeting for today.”

Balin eyes him suspiciously before he nods his head. “That is correct,” he says, tapping back down at the scroll in front of Kili. “We need to set up a guard that will protect Erebor's borders. There are stirrings in the East and I don't wish to see us plundered.”

“Isn't this Dwalin's territory?” Kili interrupts him to ask. “If you want Erebor's borders protected, tell him to do so and he'll see it done. He’s reliable in that aspect, at any rate. It’s one of the few areas he excels at.”

Balin cuffs the back of his head lightly. “Watch your tongue,” he says sharply. “That's the Prince Consort you're speaking ill of.”

Kili squawks in indignation. “And I'm the King,” he protests, rubbing the back of his head. “In case you've forgotten.”

Balin smirks and taps down at the scroll again. “Pay attention to what I am saying or you will look quite the fool at the meeting today.”

Kili forces himself to sit up straighter and try to listen to what Balin is saying. By the time they depart for the Council Hall, he's feeling relatively sure of his stance on guarding Erebor, even though he knows Balin won't be pleased with his decision.

_I don't care_ , he thinks as he takes his seat at the end of the table. Balin sits to his right, leaving the chair to his left empty for Dwalin. _I didn't ask to lose Thorin and Fili. And yet I have and now I am King. It is time I start acting like it._

Kili tries to imagine Dwalin's face when Kili announces his plan and he has to swallow the laughter that threatens to slip out. He accepts the documents from Balin and spreads them out on the table, glancing up at the council members that have begun to file into the room.

The last dwarf into the room is Dwalin, and he's silent as he takes his seat, giving Kili a brief nod of his head. He's normally a lot more interactive when they are in front of an audience, but he looks distracted and so Kili lets it slide.

Balin calls the council meeting to order but before they can truly begin, Dwalin pushes his chair back and stands, cracking his tattooed knuckles. He nods once more to Kili before he directs his attention to the rest.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I have a pressing matter to bring to your attention. We had a small attack from the East. Fortunately, we have lost none, but it exposed a weakness of ours and we must rectify it immediately. The damages could have been a lot worse.”

Kili frowns at the idea of an attack on Erebor. They've already lost too many dwarves, they can scarcely afford to lose more. “Orcs?” He asks sharply. “Orcs crossed our borders?”

“Aye,” Dwalin confirms, speaking over the gasps. “A pack of orcs got past our defenses. I take full responsibility for it, Your Majesty. As Captain of the Guard, I should have ensured this would never happen.”

“Don't be too hard on yourself,” Kili says, and it feels odd to be gracious to Dwalin. “We lost no one, so we must be doing something right. However, you're right, this needs to be rectified and that brings us to our main discussion point today – strengthening our borders.”

Dwalin nods and sits down.

“Now, Balin and I have discussed the situation at length,” Kili says with a wry smile in Balin's direction. “We have long suspected that this would happen. Dwalin, as Captain of the Guard, I do want your input. You must have a good idea on how to do this.”

“Of course,” Dwalin says readily. “We need to double our soldiers. Instead of having pairs stationed, I recommend we have three guards.”

“Aye, that sounds wise,” says Gloin, who sits on the council. “We should also begin training the young lads. In the old days of Erebor, we had dwarves as young as forty out on patrol!”

“There's no reason why we couldn't,” Dwalin agrees. “They'll need sufficient training and they will never be directly responsible for anything, but it will be a good lesson for them.”

Kili swallows hard before he pulls a crumpled document out of his tunic and smoothes it out flat with his palm. “While these are all good ideas, and I leave them Dwalin's judgement,” he says, forcing himself to his feet. “I have an agenda that I will be putting into place, effective immediately.”

“Your Majesty,” Balin says, startled, because Kili knows he never discussed any of this with Balin, his Royal Adviser. Nor did he have Ori, his Royal Scribe, draw up any of the documents.

Instead, all he has is his ink scratchings on a crumpled scroll but it is the signature of the King at the bottom and therefore, Kili knows they will be forced to accept it. Ori can always beautify it later.

“Beginning immediately,” Kili says, refusing to meet Dwalin's eyes because he knows, _he knows_ , that Dwalin will react poorly to his announcement. “Not only will young dwarves learn to battle with swords, war hammers and axes but a bow will be added to their weaponry and – ”

He’s immediately drowned out by the outcries of anger, fists thumping on the table and Gloin has actually shoved himself to his feet.

“My boy will not be learning a bow!” He thunders, glaring at Kili. “That's elvish ways!”

Kili slams his chair back and glares in return. “Elvish way, you say? I would say that my bow saved us plenty of times on the quest! If it wasn't for me and my _elvish_ bow, you would be dead!”

Gloin growls loudly and another older dwarf, Bain, shakes his head, his long white beard brushing the floor each time. “Absolutely not,” he says. “I respect your odd habit with the bow, Your Majesty, but dwarves learning archery will never happen in Erebor.”

“You dare refuse my order?” Kili exclaims, actually surprised. He had prepared himself for the protests, but he hadn't believed they would actually refuse him.

“If your uncle was here to see this, he would weep,” Bain mutters.

Kili winces and looks down at the table, desperately trying to gather his thoughts so he can reclaim order to the council meeting. A glance to his right shows that Balin will be no help; he is sitting with his arms folded over his chest and a scowl set upon his brow – a scowl aimed directly at Kili. Balin is displeased with him.

“This is not up for debate,” Kili says softly, meeting each council member's eyes. “I am your King and this is my order. Erebor will have an archery army to defend our borders. I _will_ see our people protected – at any cost.”

“Archery in Erebor,” Bain sneers. “It's a vile and dangerous thought and it will not be well received. A dwarf with a love for a bow is a shameful thing indeed.”

“I remember how clearly I felt that disgust aimed my way,” Kili says heatedly. “When I was a young dwarf and rubbish at swords, at fighting altogether, I had to wonder what my worth was. And then by chance I held a bow in my hands and I knew – _I knew_ – what I was meant to do.”

“Your uncle should have never encouraged you, it's not natural,” another dwarf, Terin, shakes his head. “He did you a disservice as a dwarf, and as our King.”

“Fili would never,” comes a murmur but when Kili's shocked head snaps up, he cannot find the dwarf who uttered the words.

" _Enough_.” A voice rumbles so loudly that it feels like there is thunder within the mountain.

Kili turns to the source of the sound and blinks at Dwalin almost uncomprehendingly. He had expected Dwalin to argue against his plan the loudest. He had expected Dwalin to treat him with condescension, to belittle his decisions and undermine him as King. He had expected little of Dwalin, all along. 

“Your King, the very dwarf you have sworn fealty to, has given a decree and you dare challenge him?” Dwalin pushes himself back from the table and glares around. “You will obey his every word and if you do not, you will answer to _me_. And I promise you that I will not go easy in your punishment. I will make an example out of you so all of Erebor will know that when King Kili speaks, all should listen.”

Kili had never expected Dwalin to _defend_ him as a true Consort would.

Kili lays a grateful hand over Dwalin's and squeezes gently. The touch feels intimate though and Kili immediately pulls his hand away as Dwalin's twitches. “As I was saying, we will have an army of archers. I know it is something new to Erebor, and I expect there will be challenges, but there will also be benefits. We rule a mountain; our base may be heavily guarded but our top can often be left vulnerable and I would like to correct this mistake.”

“A fair point,” Gloin says grudgingly. “However, what if a young dwarf has no desire for the bow?”

“Don't think me cruel,” Kili says, resuming his seat and Dwalin follows his example, lowering his large frame down into his seat. “I would like to see every dwarf give it a fair try, but the bow is certainly not for everyone. If a dwarf shows no aptitude for it and no desire to learn, then of course we will turn their attention to their strengths.”

“Again, a fair and wise point,” Bain says with a sigh.

“However, I know there are dwarves like me who will exceed well with a bow in their hands and I wish to give them that chance.”

“Very well,” Balin says, making a note on a spare sheet of paper. “I will have Ori draw up documents.”

“And besides,” Kili says tightly, meeting Terin’s gaze coolly. “Might I remind you that Thorin himself knew how to shoot a bow.” 

Terin bows his head in silent reprimand. The rest of the grumbling fades out as Balin brings another small matter to the table and by the time the council is dismissed, Kili is feeling relatively pleased with how it went. He still doesn't know who muttered the Fili remark, but it's not true. It's simply not true.

_Fili would have supported me in this if he was King. Fili never made me feel ashamed for my skill with the bow_ , he thinks bitterly, handing Balin his poor excuse for a document.

The door clicks shut and Kili looks up, it's just the three of them left, although Balin is sorting through his papers in his typical concentrated fashion. Dwalin stands and then looks down at Kili, a strange look on his face that Kili can't place.

“An archery army in Erebor,” he finally says, and much to Kili's surprise, a small smirk crosses his face. “I'd give all my gold in Erebor to see Thorin's reaction to such a decree.”

Kili falters and swallows hard, hurriedly pushing his chair back and standing up. “Do you think he'd be truly angry?” He asks nervously, because despite his belief that Dwalin would fight him, he really does need Dwalin's help in ensuring this plan comes to fruition.

“He allowed you to train extensively with a bow, didn't he?” Dwalin points out. “He would have let you command an archery army if you had wanted to. Mahal knows he was rarely able to say no to you.”

Kili smiles briefly before it fades and the loss of Thorin burns deep within his chest. How has a full year passed already? How has it been four seasons since he has heard his brother's laughter and his uncle's voice? He frowns and pushes the pain back because grief has no right to rear its ugly head outside the privacy of his rooms.

“You all right?” Dwalin asks softly.

“I'm fine,” Kili says, refusing to meet his eyes. “I wanted to thank you though. I know you may not like the idea of archers in Erebor, but I appreciate the fact that you defended me to the council.”

“I'm your husband,” Dwalin says sharply before his voice softens. “It's my duty, nay – my _right_ , to defend you, and I will do so gladly. It is not a burden to me.”

Kili blinks in surprise but nods his head cautiously. “Thank you then.”

“And besides,” Dwalin continues. “I'm a warrior before a Consort and I see that your plan is sound. It's not what we may be used to, but I would not see us repeat past mistakes. I will accept changes for I believe they may make us stronger.”

He would have never expected such reason from Dwalin and he smiles broadly at him. At the hesitant return from Dwalin, Kili can't help but notice how handsome Dwalin is when he isn't afraid to smile.

***

He's dining with Ori tonight because the thought of eating alone once more is too depressing, and Ori had seemed agreeable enough when he had mentioned it. He's beginning to regret it though, because while Ori has always been his friend and has always been respectful towards Kili, there's something about him tonight that is slightly more aggressive than normal.

“Are you sure everything is all right?” Kili pushes again, because he's determined to get to the root of the problem. He has very few friends in his life – he could count them on one hand – and he'll be damned before he sees one of his friends upset and he's done nothing to aid.

“I'm fine,” Ori says dismissively, pouring himself a little bit more wine and he takes a small sip. “How are you, though? And answer truly, please. We're friends.”

Kili hesitates before he replies because he's not sure he's ready to speak the truth. It's bad enough that such thoughts dwell in his mind, to voice them would bring them to life and Kili is unsure of the consequences. He mimics Ori and pours himself more wine, taking a sip to stall his response.

“I'm grieving,” he settles on saying. “The pain of life without Fili is almost too much to bear, some days. Other days, the ones where I am able to leave this mountain and breathe fresh air and hunt with my bow... those are the days I am grateful I still breathe.”

Ori nods his head understandingly, but he doesn't understand. After the war, he moved into apartments with his brothers and even though they drive him to madness sometimes, he still has them. It's a lot more than Kili can say. He would hate Ori for it except it's not his fault, not at all.

“Time will ease your pain,” Ori says softly. “I know that sounds trite, and I do apologize for it, but it's a saying for a reason. Time really does lessen the blow.”

Kili remains silent as two servants enter his room and lay their meal in front of them on the table. The trays are ladles with warm bread and bowls of thick, creamy soup, roasted loin and carrots glistening in butter, steaming potatoes smothered in fresh herbs and a thick chocolate cake for afterwards. Kili dismisses them with a wave of his hand and they begin to eat.

“How are things with... Dwalin?” Ori asks carefully.

“Fine,” Kili retorts because things are fine. He rarely sees the older dwarf, and he suspects that's Dwalin's doing. He's probably doing it out of some sense of kindness, which Kili appreciates. Dwalin reminds him of Thorin and Thorin reminds him of the throne and it leaves Kili miserable and breathless, wishing he had the courage to end it all.

“Do you see him often?” Ori presses. “I know he's often on patrol, but you share the Royal Apartments together...”

“I see him often enough,” Kili shrugs his shoulders and stabs a stray carrot with his fork. “He stays away, I think. In any case, he doesn't seek me out unless he must speak to me regarding Erebor.”

“Aren't you lonely?” Ori asks, furrowing his brow. “Aren't you tired of a cold, empty bed? Dwarves aren't meant to sleep alone, Kili.”

“I don't sleep,” Kili says, his lips twitching with a smile, even though it's hardly humorous. He lies awake at night, staring out into the darkness, his pillow dampening with the plea of Fili's return.

“Well, I'm sure you have...” Ori stumbles, his cheeks darkening red but he forges on ahead regardless, which Kili sort of admires. “I'm sure you have urges. You're a young dwarf, and now that you're married...”

“Surely you're joking,” Kili says flatly, even though he wants to laugh a little at the fact that Ori is trying to speak to him regarding sex. Has Ori even had sex? He must be a virgin, otherwise he would realize that sometimes your urges are non-existent when you only have one dwarf to share them with.

The thought of Dwalin naked in bed, pressing Kili down, makes him break out in a cold sweat, rather than anything else.

“I'm not! If anything, I think it might bring you and Dwalin closer,” Ori says stubbornly. “You're married, for life, might I remind you. If the pair of you begin to act like a true married couple, perhaps love will blossom there! And if it doesn't... well, at least you're getting _something_ out of it.”

Ori looks so ridiculously pleased at his crass attempt that Kili can't even find it in himself to bite his head off for being so audacious. If anything, he actually huffs out a breath of laughter.

“You're bad,” he says, so Ori has some sort of sense that Kili isn't completely happy with this line of thinking. “Dwalin and I are barely comfortable enough to eat a meal together, I can't imagine the thought of sharing a bed.”

“It's Dwalin,” Ori says impatiently. “You've known him since you were born, I can't understand how your friendship has completely disappeared! If anything, the foundation you have should have made your marriage stronger!”

“Nobody wants to be forced into a marriage, Ori,” Kili says wearily. “Dwalin and I weren't that close, he was always more Thorin's friend. He was my instructor, it's not like we spent evenings together, sharing our deepest dreams.”

“That may be so, but you could still make the best of a bad situation,” Ori says. “Have you ever tried being friendly to him? Invite him to your rooms?”

“I'm not interested in having Dwalin in my rooms!” Kili snaps. “Why are you so eager to see me get a leg over? What does it even matter?”

Ori opens his mouth to retort but snaps it shut and shakes his head, twisting the sleeve of his cardigan between his ink-stained fingers. “It doesn't matter,” he says after a moment's length of silence. “I'm only trying to see you happy.”

“I will _never_ be happy,” Kili stresses, trying to calm down lest he offend Ori again. The last time he had offended Ori, Ori hadn't spoke to him for almost two months. Kili has learned to be a lot more careful with his sharp tongue since then. “Sleeping with Dwalin would do nothing to change the grief in my heart. And besides, Dwalin doesn't want to sleep with me. He's out satisfying his own urges, I'm sure.”

“Doesn't the thought bother you?” Ori whispers. “Don't you hate to know that he's holding somebody else close, that he's sharing his bed and his life with someone else besides you, his husband?”

“I am husband in name only,” Kili reminds him. “I would not call Dwalin my husband in the true sense of word. Nor would I have any right to, so no, it doesn't bother me.”

That's a complete lie, but Ori doesn't need to know that. Nobody does.

“So if you knew that he was spending time with a dwarf, a friend of yours, you wouldn't be jealous?”

Kili narrows his eyes at Ori, who immediately looks down at his half-eaten plate. Clearly, Dwalin has been getting up to something in the past year. “Do you know something you should tell me?”

Ori shifts in his seat before he finally nods his head. “I'll tell you, only you can't get mad!”

“Why would I get mad? I just told you that nothing is going to happen further between Dwalin and myself. If he's managed to convince somebody to sleep with his horrid face, well done to him.”

“Kili,” Ori says so quietly, so disapprovingly that Kili feels a flare of guilt. He pushes it away.

“Tell me,” he says instead.

“I don't know how intimate they've gotten,” Ori warns him. “But I know for certain that... Nori really likes Dwalin. He even says that he loves him. He's been after him since the quest.”

Kili stares at Ori in surprise for a moment before he snorts so hard his nose burns. “Nori? Your brother Nori loves Dwalin? Please, who would trust a thief with something as valuable as love?”

Ori glares at him. “Speak kindly of Nori or I'll leave,” he threatens. “Anyway, Nori confessed to me months ago that he loves Dwalin.”

“He is welcome to him,” Kili says, even as something twists unpleasantly in his stomach. The roast must not be sitting well with him.

“I don't believe you,” Ori shakes his head. “If Dwalin was with someone else, you'd feel something, I know you would.”

“Why are you so certain on that?” Kili asks in exasperation. “Did I ever tell you that on the night of my wedding feast, Nori caught me in a hallway with Tauriel?”

“Tauriel?” Ori squeaks and his red eyebrows shoot up. “What were you doing with Tauriel? Oh, Kili, you wouldn't – please tell me you didn't! You said you went straight to bed!”

“I didn't get far, if that's what you mean,” Kili says, and he makes a face at the embarrassing memory. “She turned me down because I'm technically married. We kissed plenty and she let me get my hand up her skirt but eventually she put an end to it.”

“An _elf_? Oh, Kili, what were you thinking? Who all knows of this?”

“Well, Nori knows, because he caught us. And Dwalin knows. And now you. I'm not sure if she has told any of hers but I would wager a bet that she hasn't. Kissing a dwarf isn't exactly acceptable to the Elves.”

“Nor to us!” Ori reprimands. “Honestly, Kili. This is exactly what I mean. You have your urges and you have a husband right in front of you. You may not like him, and you don't have to like him for that matter, but if you're going to get off, at least see if he's up to it first!”

Kili laughs so hard a carrot shoots out of his nose and at least for a moment, he feels young and carefree once more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

It is not for another set of weeks when he's laying alone in a cold bed that he gives Ori's words serious consideration. The lamp still burns brightly, for without it, the nightmares return and Kili can't stand to wake screaming another night.

He doesn't necessarily need to crawl into Dwalin's bed tomorrow night, but why shouldn't he take advantage of what he has? It had been so shameful the way Tauriel had pulled away from him, her face regretful, like Kili was something to be pitied. Majority of dwarves would look at him like that now, if he tried to flirt with any of them. He could probably find one or two that would be willing to be an affair, but does he want that for his image?

The look on Dwalin's face during their argument after the wedding feast is one he won't forget, anyway. He had promised his husband he would be discreet and he will see it through, no matter how lonely he is. Perhaps friendship with Dwalin could be a start, and perhaps something could come from it later. 

He's not going to fall in love with Dwalin, and Dwalin has hated him since he was small, but Dwalin is still young enough to take a tumble and why shouldn't they exploit this terrible, no good situation they've found themselves in?

The first thing he does in the morning is call for a servant and he sends a note to Dwalin's rooms, requesting his presence in Kili's rooms for breakfast. He rubs the last of the sleep from his eyes and dresses quickly, wearing his hiking clothes because he's bound determined to get out of this mountain today and go for a small hunt.

By the time he exits his bedroom, Dwalin is already sitting at the small table Kili has in his rooms, looking distinctly uncomfortable and he shifts at the sight of Kili, nodding his head.

“Good morning,” he says, his voice gruff and Kili falters for a moment because Dwalin doesn't look friendly at all.

“Good morning,” Kili says quietly, sliding into the chair opposite him and he forces his hands to lay still on his lap. “Did you sleep well?”

“Aye,” Dwalin says, his brows furrowing slightly. “And yourself?”

“I slept,” Kili says simply because the mere fact that he did sleep is something to be celebrated. Whether it was a good sleep or not is irrelevant. “Thank you for joining me for breakfast. It can get lonely to eat alone.”

Dwalin's frown deepens. “This is the first time we have dined together in the morning,” he says.

It's true, and it's slightly embarrassing, considering they've been married for well over a year now. Still, Kili doesn't think they should feel too ashamed – it's been a difficult year for them both, full of learning curves and Kili knows he has handled it the best he can.

“Well, we've started now,” Kili says as a servant slips inside and sets down a large tray of food, uncovering it to reveal crispy, golden bread that is still steaming from the ovens, along with eggs and pork. The servant disappears as quietly as he had arrived and Kili cuts into the loaf.

Dwalin cheers significantly at the sight of the bread and it warms Kili's heart, giving him hope that perhaps friendship isn't so unattainable for the likes of them.

“You're not in your royal garb,” Dwalin says, hunting on the tray for something but he must not find it because he sits back in his seat and takes a bite of the bread.

“No, I'm not,” Kili says as he spoons eggs on to his plate. “I'm hoping to go hunting today. I need to cleanse my mind from the boring bits that Balin is determined to stuff in there.”

“That'll be good for you,” Dwalin says, nodding his head. “And good for the kitchens too, I reckon. If you can manage to bring home a deer...”

“Bit heavy to carry back alone,” Kili shrugs his shoulders before he pauses, wondering just how far he ought to take this olive branch. “Could I interest you in joining me?”

Dwalin blinks at him and Kili has the distinct feeling that he has managed to surprise Dwalin, a feat he hasn't been able to accomplish since he was wee. He tilts his head and studies Kili intently. Kili forces himself to endure the scrutiny because after all, asking Dwalin to accompany him is strange.

"What are you playing at, lad?" Dwalin finally questions him after a length of silence. His voice is soft and gentle, which means he isn't angry.

Kili relaxes marginally and says, "I'm not playing at anything. I'm offering you a chance to go hunting, which as far as I remember, is something you enjoy."

"You have made it crystal clear that you want nothing to do with me," Dwalin says carefully, his face blank. "I've been respecting that."

Kili looks down at his plate and half-heartedly pokes his bread around in the yolk of his eggs until it's soggy. He _has_ been awfully cold to Dwalin, but then again, he's been cold to everyone. It's just easier this way. Being close to people makes it harder when they return back to the stone. 

He can't bear another heartbreak like Fili's and Dwalin is certain to go before him.

"I don't have any friends," he says softly. "I've got Ori, and Bofur, and the rest of the company, I suppose, but I wouldn't say I have friends. They're loyal to me because of Thorin and the quest. They're not my friends, not really. My heart can't handle it."

Dwalin's face softens and it makes Kili's chest stutter. "We don't have to be friends, lad. I told you in the beginning of all this that I would never push you anything. I've stood by that, I hope."

"You have," Kili is quick to reassure him because for all of Dwalin's flaws, he is kind enough to keep his distance. "It's just... I think I'm ready."

Dwalin's brows shoot skywards and Kili suddenly realizes how his words could be taken.

"Ready for friendship!" He all but shouts. "I'm ready to invite people back into my life. I wasn't made to be alone. I've realized that... Fili isn't coming back."

"No," Dwalin says gently. "He isn't."

"And neither is Uncle," Kili swallows hard at that admission. In his blinding grief for his brother, he often feels like he has neglected to mourn Thorin properly, and only now he is realizing what a gaping wound Thorin's death has left upon his heart.

"No, neither is Thorin," Dwalin says heavily.

"So I think it's time I stop being unnecessarily cruel," Kili says bluntly, meeting Dwalin's gaze. "I'd like to go hunting and I would very much like it if you came with me. However, if you have other obligations for your day, I understand."

"You haven't been cruel," Dwalin says, and that's when Kili knows that somewhere in that old, scarred warrior heart of Dwalin's, he cares for Kili because they both know what a lie that is. "And yes, I would like to accompany you."

"Excellent," he breathes a sigh of relief and decides not to fight Dwalin on his kindness. He stuffs the last of his bread in his mouth and raises his brows. "I'll grab my equipment. I'll meet you down by the front gates by the ninth bell."

Dwalin is waiting for him by the time he has grabbed his bow and quiver full of arrows. Dwalin is armed with only one axe, and he grins at the look on Kili's face, shrugging his broad shoulders.

“I don't plan on doing much except the heavy lifting,” he says, pulling a bundle of twine out of a pocket. “The axe is only in case we get ambushed.”

“We won't get ambushed,” Kili says dismissively as he straps his bow behind his back and heads outside into the bright, warm sunshine. He instantly feels more at peace with the world and exhales slowly. “This is so much better.”

“Aye,” Dwalin agrees, following Kili off of the path and into the forest that lays beside Erebor. “Council meetings are something only my brother enjoys.”

“And Ori,” Kili says, and his mind immediately flees back to the words Ori had told him and he frowns, debating if he should raise the issue with Dwalin. Dwalin had told him that he knew of Tauriel, surely Kili should inform him that he knows of Nori?

“Ori is a smart lad,” Dwalin says, snapping a branch off of a tree and he strips the wood of its leaves. “I would not be surprised if he weds soon.”

“Ori will never wed,” Kili says. “He loved Fili.”

Dwalin makes a small noise at that because Dwalin knows as well as Kili does that once a dwarf loves once, they rarely love again. Instead, once they lose their love, they turn their focus on to their craft and turn their grief into something beautiful. The odd dwarf may find love with another, Ori's mother is proof of that, but it is a rare thing indeed.

“Have you ever loved, Dwalin?” Kili asks softly, glad that they're out of the mountain where they each have a territory and difficult conversations can be hard to initiate. They're on neutral ground out here in the forest, and for the first time, Kili feels inclined to confide in Dwalin.

Dwalin is silent for so long that Kili almost stops walking and turns to see if he's offended the older dwarf but then he speaks, his voice wistful. “No,” he says quietly. “I've never loved anyone before. I'm not sure I would be any good at it.”

Kili does stop then, turning around and feeling horribly awkward. “You shouldn't say that,” he says, meeting Dwalin's eyes. “I know you could be good at it. You've already been so kind to me, even when I've been so cruel.”

“I care about you,” Dwalin says carefully. “You mean a lot to me, Kili. You always have.”

Something inside of Kili's chest flips and he steps closer. “What do you mean?”

Dwalin's face is impossible to read but his tone is gentle, as gentle as it can be, at any rate. “I've known you since you were born. You were Thorin's pride and joy. You're my prince. How could I not care about you?”

Kili wills himself not to blush. How can Dwalin be so kind about him yet be involved with Nori? Maybe Ori had a point after all. If Dwalin is being this kind to him verbally, maybe he would be kind in other ways. The thought of those ways break his will and he can feel the heat flooding his cheeks.

“I was a bother as a child,” is all he manages to say.

“You were a right brat,” Dwalin agrees and he grins widely. “You were constantly into mischief. I don't know how many times I had to talk Thorin out of locking you in a cell for life.”

Kili smiles helplessly at the thought of Thorin who had tried to understand him and Fili but had usually come short, instead growing frustrated and sharp with them. Thorin had always showed his love in other ways and Kili had always been secure that no matter who harshly Thorin spoke to them in the midst of a prank gone wrong, at night he would always be there to tuck them into bed.

He thinks of his cold sheets and empty bed and his smile dims.

“Are you involved with Nori?” He asks abruptly.

The smile leaves Dwalin's face and a scowl replaces it. He looks more like the dwarf that Kili has grown up with and Kili automatically takes a step back. Dwalin scoffs loudly but his eyes drop away from Kili's.

"Where did you hear that nonsense?" He growls out, nudging a rock with the tip of his boot. "You shouldn't listen to such gossip."

"This came from a reliable friend," Kili says sharply before he forces himself to soften his tone because Dwalin had been kind to him after Kili had tried to form a relationship with Tauriel. "I won't be angry, if you are, if that's what you're worried about. I would just like to know."

"I'm not involved with Nori," Dwalin says and he finally lifts his gaze to meet Kili's. "There was the opportunity for it ages ago but it didn't feel right. I would not dishonor you so."

Kili can feel the heat returning to his cheeks and now it's his turn to look elsewhere, to climb up a fallen tree and stare up at the wooden sky. "Then you are better to me than I have ever been to you."

"Kili," Dwalin says before he feels Dwalin's hand catching his own and pulling him off the tree. He hops down so he doesn't lose his balance and blinks up at Dwalin. "I have never held any of your cruelness against you, for it was not truly you who was being so."

"I'm still sorry for it," Kili says, realizing that Dwalin still holds his hand fast but it would appear rude to pull it away. "I would like to see you happy."

"Being with Nori wouldn't make me happy," Dwalin laughs and it's a genuine laugh, which is a welcome relief to Kili's ears. "Captain of the Guard and Prince Consort, dating Erebor's renowned thief?"

"Nori's changed," Kili protests, because as shady as Nori's past is, it is his past. "He's a fine Spymaster."

"Aye, he is," Dwalin agrees before he shoots Kili a mischievous smile and finally drops his hand. "Let's see how long that lasts for."

"Nori has all the gold he needs, he hardly needs to steal more," Kili says because the idea of Nori leaving Erebor once more to become a criminal doesn't sit well with him. It would crush Ori, who is the closest thing Kili has to a friend.

"I don't think Nori always stole out of necessity," Dwalin says. "It was always a bit of a game to him."

"Some game," Kili grumbles.

"Some game," Dwalin agrees before he sobers once more. "Nori is aware that nothing will happen between us, much like you are aware that Tauriel will not accept the little you have to offer. While it may seem painful now, I daresay that someday, we will all be grateful."

"I would be grateful to be loved," Kili speaks without realizing, dreaming of a shared bed with warm sheets and red hair tickling his skin. It's a pleasant thought, the red hair and bright smile that would breathe life into the stone cold mountain of Erebor that seems so dull.

"Oh, my prince," Dwalin says softly. "You are very loved."

Kili swallows a response as he nocks an arrow and takes down a hare instead.

***

Somehow, without Kili really realizing it or intending it, their hunting becomes a weekly tradition, and once a week they are out roaming the forest together. No further guard attends with them, for they both realize that Dwalin is sufficient protection and it gives them the freedom to be themselves, rather than the married couple the majority of Erebor believes they are.

They're not always able to bring back a deer, but they've never returned empty-handed yet. After one afternoon where they only catch two rabbits, Kili orders Bombur to cook them and he invites Dwalin and Ori to his rooms to feast.

Ori is the first to arrive, and he beams at Kili. He keeps his distance though, ever since that last time he had tried to give Kili comfort through the means of a hug and Kili had recoiled so quickly it was if he had been burned. The hurt had stayed on Ori's face for a long time after that and he never initiated physical contact with Kili again.

Kili lunges forward and throws his arms around Ori, relishing the feel of another body pressed against his own. He is done being cold and cruel, it is not natural to who he is and it is becoming increasingly clear that he needs his friends now more than ever.

Ori makes a startled noise but hugs him back tentatively. “Good evening to you, as well,” he chuckles. “I take it you're in fine form today.”

“I am in _excellent_ form today,” Kili says, stepping back. “And I believe this shall carry on to the future. I'm sorry I have been unkind to you, Ori.”

“Speak no more of it,” Ori says, leaning in to press their foreheads together.

The door opens, interrupting their sweet moment and Ori makes another startled noise in the back of his throat when Dwalin steps through the doorway, stripped of the armour and furs he normally wears. Instead, he's dressed in a simple tunic and light pants, soft boots covering his feet.

“Good evening, Dwalin,” Ori says, shooting Kili a curious look and Kili smiles at him.

“Hello Dwalin,” Kili says comfortably, nodding his head towards his lounge area. “Dinner should be in soon, but can I get you some wine?”

“That would be great, thanks Kili,” Dwalin says, sitting down in a chair and he looks up at Ori. “Has Kili told you that he has shot our supper?”

“He has not,” Ori says slowly, and Kili can feel his gaze on him once more. “I wasn't aware that you were joining us.”

“Dwalin and I are going to eat more meals together,” Kili says, pouring wine into three goblets and he crossed the room to hand Dwalin his first. “It's an important time where we're able to keep each other abreast of issues in the Kingdom.”

“That's actually very impressive,” Ori says, accepting his wine and he sits down across from Dwalin. “I am glad to see you two are becoming friends.”

“We are,” Kili confirms, taking his own goblet of wine and he moves to sit down beside Dwalin, shooting him a hesitant smile. “Hunting together has been good for us.”

“Aye,” Dwalin agrees. “It's taught me patience.”

Kili scowls at him. “It's taught you no such thing, for you are as impatient as ever,” he says. “However, _I_ have learned patience.”

At Dwalin's laughter, something warm and pleasant blooms in Kili's chest and he ducks his hair to hide the heat that is sure to be on his face. The longer they spend together, the more Kili relaxes around Dwalin and it's such a dangerous game they're playing. One of these days, Kili will relax too much and Dwalin will push harder than before and he will expect something from Kili, something he's not yet prepared to give –

Ori grins and leans forward. “I would be interested in seeing you have patience,” he says lightly. “It's something Fili often yearned for.”

Kili feels like he's been doused in cold water and he can feel Dwalin stiffen next to him. He's not used to memories of Fili being thrown out into casual conversation like they're not rare and precious, like they aren't something to safely guard. He swallows hard and nods his head. “Yes, I believe my brother would be proud.”

“Of course he would,” Dwalin says swiftly and Kili sends him a grateful smile.

“Kili, I'm sorry, it was tactless of me,” Ori says hurriedly. “I should not have mentioned him.”

“No, you're fine, it's all right,” Kili says. “I don't want Fili to remain in our minds only because how easily we will forget him then. As hard as it is to hear his name be passed around like any other dwarf is a painful one, but it is necessary. We must speak of Fili, we must honour his memory in this way.”

Dwalin reaches over and gently touches his shoulder before he retreats and Kili shudders under the touch. He shoots Dwalin another grateful smile before he turns his attention back on to Ori.

"Remember the time that Fili hid all your scrolls?" He says, his mind going back to when they were all so young and Fili had danced around Ori enough for Kili to know that no matter what happened, Ori belonged to only one of them and it certainly wasn't Kili.

"I was so angry," Ori smiles briefly. "He was always trying to grate on my nerves. Was always successful, too."

"It's how he showed his love," Dwalin says. "Fili only ever opened up like that around those he cared for the most."

Kili thinks of all the times in his life that Fili had been right beside him, encouraging him in another bout of trickery and smiles. Fili had always made sure that Kili knew he was loved the best, regardless of Ori. 

"To Fili," he says, lifting his wine. Dwalin and Ori clink their goblets and echo his sentiment.

Kili thinks of his brother, the golden prince whose smile had blinded even the sun. He thinks of the love and loyalty Fili had shown him, how Kili had never truly understood love until Fili. He is missed every single day and Kili knows, he knows deep in his bones, that not a single day will go by where he does not ache for Fili.


	7. Chapter 7

Balin invites him to his private chambers for lunch, and Dwalin knows his brother well enough to know the invitation is not just that. No, it is an order and Dwalin would be wise to accept it. Otherwise, Balin will just track him down regardless and he will be less than pleased. Dwalin is aware that the majority of their people believe Dwalin to be the fearsome of the two, but that foolish notion is only for those who do not know Balin.

The moment they are served and alone, Dwalin spears a slice of roast beef and glances over to Balin. "What is the reason you wished to eat together?"

Balin raises his white, bushy eyebrows and purses his lips together. "Should I need a reason to dine in your company?"

"No," Dwalin says mildly. "And yet, I know you will have one."

"All right," Balin drops pretenses like Dwalin knew he would. He takes a sip of his wine before he turns his serious gaze on to him. "I've asked you to come to my rooms because we need to discuss the King."

"What about him?" Dwalin's curious now, because for once, things have been going well with Kili. Erebor is flourishing under his tentative command, and their friendship has blossomed into something that warms Dwalin's old heart carefully each night. He has little desire to upset Kili now and ruin the peace they've formed.

"Have you bedded him yet?" Balin asks bluntly. Dwalin's hand knocks over his wine goblet in surprise, the dark liquid spilling over the white table on the cloth until it is stained and ruined.

"I beg your pardon, brother?" He leaves the wine, still staring at Balin. "I believe you asked me something but I am not certain I heard you right."

"I am sorry to be so blunt, you know I am, but one always must be direct when speaking to you," Balin says with a rueful smile. "Have you consummated the marriage yet? It's been a year, but I am aware of his displeasure."

"We have not," Dwalin says tightly, feeling his shoulders tense up. "I have not tried. I vowed that I would never force him into anything he does not desire and he has made it quite clear that he does not desire me, Balin."

"Well, he may have to put that aside," Balin says, edging his plate away from the wine that is trickling towards him. "I was hoping that he would bear this year."

"You're mad," Dwalin says flatly, finally lifting his goblet and pushing the ruined cloth aside. "Kili, bear a child? Whatever gave you such an idea? We have only begun to speak peacefully. We are a far cry from expecting parents."

"It's possible," Balin shrugs his shoulders. "You would not be the first unhappy wedded couple to do their duty to the throne and produce an heir. It has happened before in the past and if there is ever a time where we need such a miracle, it is now. The line of Durin will end with Kili, unless you are able to get him pregnant."

"I am aware of this, but we have just begun to dine together," Dwalin protests. "I cannot just lay with him! And besides, he does not desire me! How many times will you force me to admit such a thing?"

"Then you must _convince_ him to desire you," Balin says, as if it is that simple. "We need an heir."

“ _We_ don't need anything," Dwalin says firmly. "We are here to keep Kili and Erebor safe, and nothing else. What Kili needs is the concern, not us."

"Our concern is the same as his," Balin says impatiently, glaring fiercely at Dwalin and he can't help but sit further back in his seat. "Once Kili is gone, the throne of Erebor will be available to any dwarf who kills enough to take it. Or perhaps Dain will rule under the mountain after all."

Dwalin snarls at the thought.

"You see my predicament, then," Balin continues on smoothly. "I don't expect you to take Kili to bed tonight, but it would be worth a conversation with him. I am sure it is in the back of his mind."

Dwalin, who has little idea of what goes through Kili's mind, merely shrugs. Male dwarves can bear, and given the rarity of females, it has happened often enough in Dwalin's lifetime that it does not shock him anymore. But the thought of planting his seed in Kili, of Kili's burgeoning belly proclaiming to all that Dwalin has bedded him, Dwalin has sired the heir of Erebor - well, it is an enticing thought. 

It's a thought that Dwalin must banish from his mind for if he ever acted upon his desires, he would lose any progress he has with Kili. 

"Perhaps we shall discuss it," he says gruffly, not meeting his brother's eyes for the less Balin is involved, the better it is for everyone. 

"See that you do," Balin says sternly before he takes a bite of food. "You're dismissed, brother."

Dwalin gratefully goes.

***

It is almost winter, the trees have lost most of their leaves and a bitter wind howls around them. Kili refuses to give in though, they have been outside for only two hours and yet they have nothing to show for it. Dwalin knows that he's determined to stock their kitchens as much as he can before the snow falls.

“We might as well admit defeat,” Dwalin says from behind Kili, incredibly bored as he leans against his axe. “Even the animals are hunkered down today.”

Kili snarls at him and shakes his head. “No! Our food supply is getting dangerously low, and we are already having to trade with Bard. I will not see us further in his debt.”

“Then we'll try again tomorrow,” Dwalin persists. “Today will yield no results, laddie.”

“You're hardly a hunter,” Kili retorts, shimmying up a tree and he straddles a branch, poised and ready to shoot at a moment's notice. “Now hush, you're scaring away all the game.”

Dwalin rolls his eyes where Kili can't see him and shifts his weight to the trunk of the tree that Kili is currently occupied in. He knows that once Kili has an idea in his head, little will shake it free so he resigns himself to waiting. Balin's words return to his mind once more and he sighs heavily. 

"I would speak with you," he calls up into the tree, hoping that Kili will stay put. He has a feeling this conversation will be better done if they don't have to meet the other's gaze. "Privately."

"Speak then," Kili says, his voice slightly muffled but he doesn't sound irritated. "Just not too loudly, I would enjoy bringing something substantial back."

Dwalin digs the head of his axe into the snow, carving out a small pattern for himself as he gathers his thoughts. He doesn't know how to approach such a delicate subject, especially when he doesn't know how Kili will react to it. 

"Balin spoke to me," he finally says, deciding that it's wisest to mention Balin first. If Kili has an unsavoury reaction, his anger will be directed more towards Balin than Dwalin himself. "He asked if I had bedded you yet."

A branch snaps loudly in the silence and above him, Kili mutters a swear. There's no immediate response from him, instead Dwalin can hear him moving down the tree and he steps away so Kili has some space once he has reached the ground. The moment Kili's feet touch the ground, Dwalin is able to see the anger in his eyes. It's anger, a deep fury that Dwalin has rarely seen in Kili, but it's also something else...

Something akin to fear. 

"This is the thanks I get?" Kili shouts and from the corner of his eye, Dwalin sees a rabbit dart out from underneath the brush. 

"Soothe yourself," Dwalin snaps, automatically defensive because none of this is his fault. Balin should be the one to have this blasted conversation. Things had been going well for them, he should have kept his mouth firmly shut. "Balin simply asked - "

"You have told him of my kindness," Kili interrupts, his eyes flashing in the same dangerous manner that Thorin's used to. "You have told him and now the pair of you will ask for more than I am prepared to give!"

Dwalin stares at him before a startled bark of laughter escapes him. He wants to step forward and lay his hand on Kili's shoulder, to bring him some comfort but he has enough sense to know that will only anger Kili further so he gives him his distance.

"And now you mock me," Kili says quietly, unhappiness twisting his mouth into a frown. "Bed Nori if you are so eager."

"I don't wish to bed Nori," Dwalin says, even if that's not completely true. "And I'm not asking you for anything. Nothing has changed, Kili. I will not push you into something you don't want and I should hope by now that I have proved that. Have a little faith in me, if you please."

Kili looks at him suspiciously before he gives a short nod of his head. "Very well," he says, his tone still dubious. "Why is Balin concerned with matters that do not involve him?"

"Because he believes that if I bed you... we will save Erebor," Dwalin flounders for a proper way to express such things. "He believes I can sire a babe in your belly, a son to rule."

Kili blinks at him, visibly taken back. He pushes a reddened, wind-chapped hand through the dark tangles of his hair, his gaze breaking from Dwalin's. Dwalin remains silent, knowing that Kili must process such information, for it is a lot to take in. 

"That's not done anymore," Kili finally says, his voice void of emotion. "No male dwarf in Ered Luin ever bore a dwarfling."

"Ered Luin had males who were fortunate enough to love females," Dwalin explains carefully. "And that is the most common custom but I assure you that males carrying babes still happens on a regular occurrence. I believe that is why Dain was so displeased to see you wed. He knows that you are able to thwart his opportunity even more."

"But... how?" Kili asks blankly. 

The tips of Dwalin's ears begin to turn red and he looks away from Kili in the hopes that his embarrassment will go unnoticed. "It is simple enough. The healers, such as Oin, would administer you fertility herbs and then after a fortnight, we would lay together and Mahal willing, be blessed with a child."

"I would have an heir," Kili says slowly. "The line of Durin would not be broken after my death. It could carry on."

"Yes," Dwalin nods his head. "Thorin's line could continue."

"I see," Kili says quietly, still unable to meet Dwalin's gaze. "I don't think we shall succeed today with a hunt. Let's return."

"Of course," Dwalin says, privately relieved. It had been an awkward enough conversation and of course Kili will want to process it. Distance between the pair of them will be best for now, although Dwalin sorely hopes that they won't lose the progress they have made. 

He's not sure he will be able to handle that, not when he's this close and not when he feels the way he does.

***

Kili dines privately alone in his rooms that evening, his mind full of the conversation he shared with Dwalin. The concept of male dwarves birthing isn't foreign to him, but he has never seen it done before so he has always doubted the validity of it. If anything, it had always become something of a jest among Kili and Fili and their friends. It wasn't something that any of them took seriously.

To imagine himself going through such a process is something hard to fathom, especially if it means he will have to lie with Dwalin in every sense of the word. He shudders at the thought, although if it's from fear or arousal he couldn't say. 

They've had a relatively easy marriage, and the past weeks especially have been peaceful. Kili isn't eager to see all of that ruined for a night of what it sure to be awkward. Not for the first time, Kili desperately wishes Fili was here. Fili always had advice when Kili needed it, he had a knack to make sense of the world in a way that always escaped Kili. 

However, if Fili was here, none of this would be important. Kili wouldn't have had to marry Dwalin, nor would he have had to bear him a child. Fili would be King Under the Mountain and Kili would be happy and secure in his role as second prince. 

He sighs and takes another sip of his wine. He would speak to Ori about this matter, since Ori is the closest friend he has, but he knows that Ori's view on his marriage is deeply biased. He is convinced that if Kili tries hard enough, he will fall into love with Dwalin and they will have a love story for the legends. So Kili cannot confide in Ori, not in good conscience. It's too early to crawl into bed for the servants are still bustling in his outer rooms and they will come to gather his dishes soon. 

Even when he seeks privacy, he's not truly alone. 

There is a knock on his door and before Kili can debate about turning the visitor away, his servants have opened the door and ushered Balin into his chambers. Kili forces himself not to scowl at his advisor. He knows that part of Balin’s role is to be responsible for even the unpleasant parts but it still burns regardless. 

They had been doing so well. 

“Balin,” he greets stiffly because while he doesn’t fault Balin, he still won’t make it easy for him. “What brings you to my chambers when I have specifically requested privacy?”

To his credit, Balin hesitates in his step only for a moment before he continues into the room, his arms full of scrolls and the passive look on his face remains unchained. “I apologize for disturbing you, but I have a meeting tomorrow with some of your advisors and I need the King’s signature to proceed.”

Kili moves to sit down and he beckons for Balin to hand him the documents. He flips through them idly, but they make little sense to him. “What are these for?”

“Regarding rations, among other things,” Balin takes a seat opposite from him and settles into the chair, much to Kili’s displeasure. “We will decrease the rations to ensure our sureness through the winter. Also, the Weavers Guild requires more looms. I would like to approach Mirkwood and enquire about their wood.”

Kili scribbles his signature on the ration scroll and hands it back to Balin, studying the other carefully. It doesn’t make complete sense to him, but he trusts Balin, even if he is displeased with him right now. If Balin wants to talk to the elves, it must mean he believes it to be the right avenue. Kili signs those documents as well and returns them. 

“Anything else?” He asks pointedly, sitting on the edge of his chair so Balin will see that he is not about to socialize. 

“You seem displeased with me,” Balin raises a scruffy, white eyebrow and Kili immediately feels like a small dwarfling again. “Have I done something to offend you?”

_Yes_ , Kili thinks, remembering the fear that had crashed over him when Dwalin had spoken of consummating the marriage. However, he knows that Balin is simply fulfilling the role Kili gave to him. Despite the uncomfortableness, he truly does have Kili’s best interests at heart. 

“Dwalin spoke to me,” he finally says. “He mentioned a meeting between the pair of you, a meeting that I find offensive.”

A small smile twitches Balin’s lips for a mere moment before it disappears and Kili doubts if he ever saw it to begin with. “I am afraid you will have to be a bit more specific than that, Your Majesty,” he says calmly. “My brother and I share many conversations together.”

“You asked if he had bedded me yet,” Kili says. His lips feel numb, his cheeks hot and prickly. He probably has a fever, he’s coming down ill like he did when he was a dwarfling and he may not recover. “You ruined everything.”

Balin frowns at those words and immediately sits up in his chair. Even though Kili is taller than Balin, Balin still cuts an intimidating figure and Kili sits back in his own seat.   
“You must know your duty,” he says, and his voice is still kind but it doesn’t make Kili relax. If anything, it sets him more on edge because this feels like a trap. 

“I know that I am King, and you are my advisor,” he says, narrowing his eyes. “I know that it is your duty to advise me but at the end of the day, I am King. I paid a price you cannot even begin to fathom for that title, Balin, and I will not see you disrespect it so. My marriage to Dwalin is my own business.”

“Your marriage to Dwalin is Erebor’s business,” Balin says forcefully, rising to his feet. “Gandalf was right when he encouraged such a union and now we must see profit from it, otherwise this has all been for naught and Dain will rule the mountain regardless!”

“This is Thorin’s mountain!” Kili leaps to his feet and glares at the older dwarf. “This is _our_ mountain and Dain will rule nothing!”

“Then you must see reason! You must bear an heir!”

Kili falls silent because even he can see Balin’s logic. He can refute nothing but it still doesn’t sit well with him; it is an itch underneath his skin that he cannot access. It drives him mad to know that Balin is right and sometime, Kili must lie with Dwalin. 

“Would it really be so awful?” Balin says more softly this time, and he steps closer to Kili. “It would be once, twice at the most, lad. And then it would all be over.”

“It would just be the beginning,” Kili says because he knows that once Dwalin got a taste, he would continue to want for more. And why shouldn’t he? Dwalin has been alone for many years, is it any wonder why he would like to lie next to another body?

“You are the son of Dis,” Balin raises his brows once more. “It is in your stock to bear children well.”

Kili thinks to his mother who had wed a dwarf she hadn’t loved. She had done her duty twice, and provided Thorin with two heirs. Although, in the end, they had both been needed so Balin is wrong. Kili will have to do it again and again to ensure that the line of Durin does not fall. 

He shudders at the thought. 

“Think it over, lad,” Balin says, gathering up his documents and he rises from his chairs. “I don’t mean for you to begin tomorrow or anything of the sort. Just think it over.”

“I will,” Kili says as he stands to watch Balin leave the room. He resumes his seat the moment the door has closed and sighs heavily. Once more, he is weighed down with thoughts of his future and how unprepared he is for all of this. 

He had thought that becoming King, rather than Thorin or Fili, would have been the hardest time in his life. And suddenly that no longer seems to be true. He is ill-equipped for this future indeed. 

"Kili?" It's Ori, holding a tray of tea. "I called and called but you didn't answer. Am I all right to come in?"

Kili, who specifically requested privacy, suddenly can't stand the thought of being alone and he nods his head, motioning for Ori to come into the room. "Of course, my apologies. I was lost in my head, I'm afraid."

"Anything I can help you with?"

Kili pauses. Ori is the closest thing he has to a friend, but he is unsure he can confide this latest development to him. Ori has already encouraged him to be with Dwalin, this will simply spur him on even further. In this matter, he is dreadfully alone. 

"No, it is just training business, that is all," Kili says for he knows Ori won't question him, not on that at least. "What can I help you with? I see you've brought tea."

"Yes, and a letter." Ori fishes a sealed envelope out of his pocket and hands it to Kili. "I recognize the writing and I daresay you will as well."

Kili squints at the print before it suddenly comes to him and the smile he gives Ori is genuine. "It's from Bilbo," he says, sliding his finger along the seal to break it. He scans the contents and frowns. "Oh, our poor hobbit. Time has not eased his pain any more than it has for me, it seems."

Ori tuts in disapproval. "I am quite sorry to see him so pained. I did not think hobbits could love as fiercely as dwarves do."

"Well, Bilbo was always special," Kili says, folding the letter up and he sets it down on his table. "It appears that once he arrived back home in the Shire, it felt even less like home for him than Erebor and so he is to return."

"Return to Erebor?"

"Yes, he wishes to remain close to Thorin's tomb," Kili says and his voice catches in his throat. Will he ever be able to speak so simply of Thorin's life and death? "I will be pleased to see him, for one."

"Aye, I as well," Ori passes him a cup of tea before taking a sip of his own. "I have missed him."

"He shall be home soon," Kili says, and his heart already feels a bit lighter for it. It will be good to see Bilbo, the light of Thorin's eyes, once more.

***

**When I close my eyes, I see you in my dreams. Evening has become my favourite time of the day, it is the only thing I look forward to anymore for it is the only time I see you** , Bilbo writes carefully in his book. He's not sure what prompted him to begin writing about Thorin. Perhaps it is the countless nightmares or perhaps it is the deep yearning in his heart.

Whatever it is, he is grateful for it, for the book has kept Thorin's memory alive. 

He sets the quill down on the parchment and closes his eyes, his body relaxing against the tree he sitting against. He had dreamed of Thorin again last night. Not an unusual occurrence, but the fact that it had been Thorin warm and alive had been something new to treasure. Too often Bilbo wakes with tears on his face and his voice hoarse in his throat from calling to Thorin to stay with him. 

_Warm fingers wrap around his wrist, skin that is cool from the evening breeze and he is gently tugged across stone and soil to rest against a solid chest. He burrows in as close as he can and tips his face up for a kiss. Owls hoot quietly in the distance and in the glow of the moonlight, he feels treasured and loved._

_"You are cold," Thorin's voice rumbles softly against his ear._

_"Not anymore, not now that you're here," he replies, turning in Thorin's embrace so he can slide his arms around him, fingers catching on Thorin's ornate belt. "Stay with me for always."_

_"Oh my dear Halfling," he can feel Thorin's smile, "I have nowhere else I would rather be."_

He closes his book and replaces it deep within his pack, wrapped in his bedroll and buried beneath his water skin. It has become a fiercely guarded possession, and he never lets it go far beyond his sight. The thought of losing his pack, losing the book that contains his thoughts of Thorin, is an unbearable one. 

They are almost to Dale, and then it is to Erebor. He should have sent his notice ages ago that he was returning, but he knows Kili will not begrudge him. Kili has always been kind when it comes to Bilbo. 

"Have you heard much from Erebor?" He thinks to ask, turning to look up at Gandalf, who has been his trusted companion on this journey once more. "Kili has ruled for past a year now. I wonder how he fares, him and Dwalin both."

"The little I hear of Erebor suggests they are well," Gandalf says, and he looks slightly uncomfortable. "I do my best to not meddle within that kingdom anymore, I'm afraid I have done so enough already."

"Yes, the marriage of Dwalin and Kili," Bilbo replies with a wistful smile. He is naive to dwarven culture but even he was able to see that marriage had not pleased Kili at the time. "Dwalin would be kind to him, would he not? I know he appears fearsome, but he has shown me kindness many times."

"I am not worried of Dwalin's kindness, rather of Kili's," Gandalf says. "I fear the pain and loss of his kin has turned him cold."

“The loss has changed us all,” Bilbo says, for he will not fault Kili for anything. He is not himself, just as Bilbo has changed. They have been carved anew, and must find their way in the world of living still, while the ones they love remain just beyond their grasp.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still alive and I'm still writing! After a bout of writer's block plus wisdom tooth surgery and then a cold from hell... I am back :)

It feels like it did in the beginning, back when everything was rubbed raw and desperately hurt. 

It is awkward once more between them and after the conversation they are distant and rarely seek each other out. It brings Kili peace to not have to look upon Dwalin’s face and remember his duty but it pains him nonetheless to lose the ground they have gained. 

Respite comes in the form of Bilbo Baggins returning to the Lonely Mountain, led by Gandalf, whom Kili is unhappy to see. Gandalf caused all of this, perhaps even to the beginning when he met Thorin in a tavern and reignited Thorin’s desire to reclaim Erebor. He has brought ruin and loss upon them all and so no, he is not welcome in Kili’s mountain any longer. 

“Oh, I’m afraid I’m not staying,” Gandalf says before Kili can have the satisfaction of asking him to leave. “I promised Lord Elrond that I would meet him in three days’ time so I must ride with haste.”

“Journey safely,” Balin says warmly to him and it burns Kili even greater that they would ally together. 

He says nothing but a stiff, formal farewell and he doesn’t miss the way Gandalf’s eyes examine him. He is certain the wizard can see his misery, can sense his resentment but thankfully, he says nothing and goes before the sun has lowered itself from the sky. 

“I’m so pleased to see you everyone,” Bilbo says once they have settled him in his rooms and retreated to dine in the small private dining room they have. It’s the entire Company squeezed into the room, save the faces they have lost but have never forgotten. 

Kili does his best to keep his gaze downward at all times. 

“What brought you back to Erebor?” Ori asks curiously, sitting to Bilbo’s immediate right. “I thought you missed the Shire so desperately.”

“I did, and I do,” Bilbo says with a catch to his voice. “But I miss Thorin more.”

Kili feels like he is about to be sick from the grief of it all. 

“Well, we are pleased to see you,” Balin passes a dish of candied yams down the table after taking a generous helping for himself. “Are you here to stay? If so, we will get you out of guest rooms and into proper rooms of your own. You are, in every sense, Thorin’s widower.”

“If you will have me, I would like to spend the rest of my days in the mountain Thorin loved so dearly,” Bilbo says, his cheeks wet.

"Of course, you are most welcome here," Dwalin says gently, in that soft tone that he used to reserve for Kili and his overwhelming pain. "We will find you new rooms in the morning."

"That's fine, that's fine," Bilbo says agreeably. "They are just rooms and frankly, not the reason I am here. No, I shall spend the majority of my time with Thorin's tomb, seeking peace."

And Kili cannot stand it any longer. 

“Excuse me,” he says, pushing himself to his feet and he ignores the concerned look from Dwalin’s direction. “I completely forgot that I had agreed to meet Terin to discuss… an issue.”

Balin and Dwalin both frown at that but naturally it is Balin that speaks for the pair of them, saying, “What would you be discussing?”

“I believe that is private matters for the King,” Kili says more sharply than he intends and he leaves the room before he can apologize or worse yet – admit the truth. 

He has no such meeting and he intends to see no one. Instead, he moves briskly down the hallways until he reaches his private rooms and he secures himself within them, locking the door and disappearing into his bedroom. He grabs a bottle of strong liquor out of the cabinet and takes it into bed with him, forgoing the need for a goblet because his intention is not to savour. 

No, he drinks to forget now and he can only hope desperately that it works once more. 

He ignores the knocking he hears from his outer chambers and only sits up in the bed when he hears a distinct click and his door is pushed open, Dwalin striding through with Nori hovering outside. 

“You had Nori pick my lock?” He bellows, lunging out of his bed and he stalks closer to Dwalin so he can push him back. “You dare have that common criminal pick the lock of the King? I don’t feel very much secure in my own chambers!”

“Mahal, do you hear yourself?” Dwalin hisses, snatching the half-empty bottle of liquor from his hand and he sets it aside. “You sound like a childish brat!”

Kili stops short and blinks, for Dwalin has not spoken so harshly to him in… a long time, which must mean Kili is being cruel again, something he promised to never do. “You invaded my privacy.”

“I was concerned, and rightly so,” Dwalin says, albeit this time more gently. “You left mid-meal and it was plain for everyone to see that you were upset. It’s my duty to look out for you, something you haven’t seemed to mind so much anymore.”

“Probably because I know what my full duties entail now,” Kili says bitterly, turning away from Nori who is shamelessly eavesdropping on their conversation. “I want him gone.”

"Kili," Nori says, stepping forward and Kili can't handle him, not when he's already drank more than he should and not when everything is vulnerable and wrong between them once more. 

"That was not a request, Nori," he says, more kindly than Nori deserves. Nori, who tried to sleep with Dwalin like it was his right and not Kili's, simply disappears out of the room without protest. It's not satisfying and he's still itching for a fight. 

"I'm sorry I had to resort to such actions, but I had to ensure your safety," Dwalin says. 

"You have made me feel unsafe in my own rooms, I hope you can congratulate yourself on that," Kili spits out, for Dwalin is the only target he has left. "I already sleep uneasy every night for I was not raised to sleep alone - "

"Well - "

"That was _not_ an invitation to share my bed and Mahal help you should you ever dare to speak of that again," Kili says coldly. "The mere idea of you in my bed simply reminds me of what we must eventually do and that makes me ill. Do you understand that, Dwalin? The thought of you in my bed, your hands on my body - nay, breeching my body - makes me utterly sick."

Dwalin is silent in front of him and when Kili finally finds the courage to raise his gaze, he immediately wishes he hadn't. He has never seen such a look on Dwalin's face and it is one he never wants to see again. It is not a look of anger, but rather one of despair - and acceptance. 

"Dwalin," he begins awkwardly, drunkenly unaware of where to go from here. "My words, they were too harsh."

"I told you I would never ask for more than you were willing to give." Dwalin finally speaks, and his voice scratches low in his throat. "We will never speak of this again, Balin be damned. Erebor is your mountain and you may name any dwarf you wish as heir."

"But they won't be a true heir," Kili says bitterly. "They won't be of Durin and I will have failed Thorin."

“Surely even failure is more of an appealing option than sharing your bed with me,” Dwalin says stiffly, his voice as hard as the axes he normally bears on his back. 

“You have come to see if I am all right and I have proven that I am so,” Kili says tiredly because he cannot handle anymore arguments. “You may leave me in peace although knowing that Nori can find his way into my chambers anytime he wants won’t leave me with much peace.”

“Nori won’t attempt to find a way into your chambers.”

“No, it’s really yours he’s after, isn’t it?” Kili says coldly and is thankful when Dwalin has no reply for that. Instead, Dwalin leaves the room and Kili locks it after him, even if it’s been proven to be fallible.

***

He's leaving his Council meeting the next day when he runs into Bilbo, who is wandering down the hallway looking quite lost. Bilbo doesn't see him, not immediately, and so Kili takes a moment to properly look at their Burglar that has returned to the mountain.

He's still thin, Kili can hardly remember what Bilbo looked like when they first met and he was round and bossy. He's thinner now and his cheeks sallow, his curls hang limply around his face and he lifts a hand to impatiently brush them back. He almost looks ill, but Kili knows that he can't be hard on Bilbo for Kili himself has changed not only on the inside, but surely on the outside as well. 

Grief takes just as much of a physical toll on a person. 

He finally takes pity on their little hobbit and raises his hand to acknowledge his presence, calling out, "Bilbo! How are you? You look lost, my friend."

Bilbo peers around Bain who side-steps him and continues down the hallway. He smiles faintly at the sight of Kili, which brings warmth to Kili's heart. He hopes that Bilbo isn't aware of how painful his presence is, because save for Dis, Bilbo is the only family that Kili really has left. 

"I'm fine," Bilbo says softly, shuffling over to where Kili is standing. "I am lost, I'm afraid. I've been looking for Thorin's tomb. I thought perhaps Balin would be able to show me but I've been unavailable to find him."

"Balin was just in Council like I was, but he should be finishing up soon. I can fetch him for you, if you'd like," Kili offers before he hesitates. He has not been to see Thorin or Fili's tombs since they were first erected. He means to, each free evening he considers going but he has always found a reason to delay. "Or I can take you."

"That would be very lovely, thank you Kili," Bilbo says and he falls in line with Kili as they begin walking back down the hallway. He is also more perceptive than Kili ever realized for once they are past the wave of dwarves and are alone on a staircase, Bilbo says softly, "Do you find it hard... me being here?"

"Yes," Kili says honestly and quicker than he means to. "However, it's a good thing for you were Thorin's beloved. You are my Uncle, in every right."

A red flush works its way up Bilbo's neck and to his cheeks. "That's very kind of you to say," he says. "I hope you know I care a great deal about you."

"I know," Kili says, taking a sharp left and he takes Bilbo down another set of stone stairs. They're completely alone now for they are close to the bowels of the mountain where the Royal Tombs lay. Burning torches mounted on the wall guide their steps and as they go through the tall, ornate doorway, Kili feels a shudder run through his entire body.

There are rows and rows of tombs, Kings carved out of large stones and Kili walks quickly past his ancestors, unable to meet their gazes for even they will see his reluctance to fulfill his duty.

He comes to a stop in front the tomb where Thorin's broken body lays. A large carving is mounted above the tomb and the details are exquisite. It looks just like his Uncle and Kili's heart thumps painfully in his chest. He cannot look to Thorin's right where Fili resides, he cannot handle it - not right now while Bilbo is making such painful noises. 

"There, there," he says uselessly, reaching out to touch Bilbo's shoulder and he stiffens as Bilbo immediately leans into him and embraces the comfort he's been given. 

"It looks just like him," Bilbo weeps, his tears dampening the collar of Kili's shirt. “I had forgotten how much it looks like him.”

“It was well done,” Kili says, forcing his gaze upwards so he can look upon Thorin’s stone face. It makes his heart clench within his chest and he lets out a gusty sigh. “I miss him. I spent so long grieving for Fili that I did not realize how much I would miss Thorin. I wasn’t prepared for such grief.”

“He was so proud of you,” Bilbo says haltingly, straightening up and away from Kili. “I know he rarely spoke of it, but he really was. He told me many times that he saw himself in you.”

“I doubt that very much,” Kili says tightly, unconsciously clenching his hands into fists. “Fili was always his favourite, he was the most like him. He was determined to be a good King like Thorin was. They had a bond I couldn’t hope to compete with.”

“You had your own bond with Thorin,” Bilbo chides gently. “You taught him how to laugh again, and how to be more carefree. Thorin and Fili were often occupied with things in the Kingdom and perhaps you felt like Fili resembled Thorin the most, but Thorin told me on more than one occasion that you reminded him of himself before Erebor fell.”

A warm glow flows through Kili, beginning in his heart and spreading outwards until he uncurls his fingers and shakes them out, his skin feeling hot to the touch. His mother had mentioned only once to him that the Thorin she knew before Erebor fell was a completely different dwarf. She had spoken wistfully of a dwarf who had never stopped smiling and even then, Kili had longed to know him. 

“You are good for me, Bilbo,” he says, sighing heavily. “It is hard to have you here, but it is good. Thank you.”

“Thank you for allowing me to come back,” Bilbo says. “I know a lot of dwarves would believe I am outstaying my welcome, but – ”

“No dwarf would say such a thing,” Kili interrupts because it is so important for Bilbo to understand this. “Nay, to every dwarf in Erebor and from Ered Luin, you are Thorin’s widower. You would have been Consort and therefore, you are esteemed most highly in their sight.”

“I would have held Dwalin’s position then,” Bilbo says, and his lips twitch in a small smile. “There’s a thought.”

“I daresay you would have done better at it,” Kili mutters before clearing his throat. “Dwalin does a fine enough job, don’t misunderstand me. His faults lay not with the Kingdom.”

“Dwalin is a good dwarf,” Bilbo says firmly and it feels like a warning. “He was the first dwarf I ever met and while I was intimidated by him, I soon learned that he had a heart of gold. I would not see him done wrong.”

“I would say he has done quite well for himself,” Kili bristles at the accurate implication that he has disrespected Dwalin. “He’s become Consort and next to myself, has the most say in Erebor. He utilizes that to its full abilities so I would not put your pity on Dwalin, Bilbo.” 

“He has my sympathies, the same as you do, lad,” Bilbo says and his voice is so firm that for a moment, it feels like Thorin is with them. “He never asked for this marriage but for the sake of Erebor, for the sake of _you_ , he agreed. He gave up his entire life to ensure your happiness. Don’t think you’re the only one suffering.”

“He is not the one that will have to bear,” Kili says through numb lips. He’s unsure of what Bilbo fully knows about dwarvish culture but he isn’t about to hold back as to not offend Bilbo’s delicate sensibilities. “He is not the one that will have to experience a terrifying ordeal.”

“He will have his own battles, I’m sure. I won’t pretend to understand your culture for I was not formally introduced to it but Thorin did confide in me some. I don’t doubt your fear, and you have my deepest sympathy for I am sure it will not be easy. However, trust in Oin, surely he will see you through this.”

“It is not for certain,” Kili snaps and immediately regrets it, so he softens his tone. “I mean, I haven’t decided for sure whether or not I will.”

“You have a choice?”

“No.” Kili’s heart snaps within his chest as he speaks but it’s the truth. 

When it comes to this, when it comes to an heir, he has little say in the matter. It is something that must be done. They did not lose Thorin and Fili for naught. Their loss must be worth something and that something is Erebor. Kili and even Dwalin sacrificed everything they had for Erebor. 

Kili will not see the mountain fall into the hands of Dain after all, not when there is something he can do to prevent it. Somehow, he will have to see this through.

***

"You are so quiet these days, my lad."

Kili looks up at the sound of his mother's voice and he forces himself to bring a smile to his face, he hates to make her worry. She's invited him for lunch in her rooms and he knows he needs to discuss everything with her but the words stick in his throat and so he pushes the food around on his plate and resigns himself to another day of misery. 

"I'm just tired," he says, although that's not the truth. He is struggling to focus on anything these days. He doesn't remember the last time he paid full attention during a Council meeting, nor is he fully present for training or further education. His mind dwells on the idea of an heir every day.

"You need to sleep more at night then," Dis says as she spoons more steamed vegetables on to his plate, despite his protests. "In order to be an effective king, you need to be able to stay awake at Council."

Kili winces although he's able to smile freely at the remark. "You heard about that, did you?" He says. He had actually fallen asleep during the past Council meeting and it had taken Ori elbowing him gently in the side and then more firmly to stir him awake. 

"I'm afraid that it's travelled the halls, but everyone finds it to be humorous," Dis says as she dishes herself up more vegetables. "Everyone save Balin, of course."

"I don't give a damn about Balin," Kili mutters before he can catch himself. 

"Kili!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I really don't," Kili sighs and mentally steeled himself for the conversation ahead. "Truth be told, there is something bothering me. Balin spoke to me, out of turn, I might add. It's been something I've been struggling with since."

Dis sets down her fork and focuses her gaze on him, her eyebrows furrowed. "What has Balin said to you? He is your advisor, if he is giving you information then it is something he considers important. It's your job to respect his opinion, Kili."

"I don't want to bear a child!" Kili snaps, tossing his napkin down on the table. "I have only just begun befriending Dwalin and now I am expected to... I can't."

Dis' mouth flattens into a thin line and she rises from the table, moving to the door where she yanks it open. "Find Balin and bring him to my chambers immediately," she says to her lady-maid. "Tell him it is not a request."

"Mother - " Kili says, already regretting his outburst. "I'm sure he didn't mean - "

"Be quiet," she says sharply and he recognizes that tone. It's the one she used when he and Fili were children and while they weren't the source of her anger, if they kept speaking they would be shortly. 

Within moments, there is a knock on the door before it swings open and Balin steps through, frowning already and Kili looks down at the table. Despite being King and despite the fact that he is above all, he feels like a child once more. 

"What is it?" Balin asks, shutting the door behind himself. "Is there something wrong within the kingdom? I was surprised to receive your summons, Dis."

"You have overstepped your boundaries as Kili's advisor," Dis says in a low, dangerous voice. "You are dismissed."

"Mother," Kili interjects because she cannot fire Balin, he's not even certain if he can be fired. "Just hold on a moment, please."

"Absolutely not," Dis shouts, shoving her chair back and she plants her hands on the table, leaning forward to fix her glare on to Balin. "You have taken my son and you have forced him to do _your_ will! It was one thing when I, his mother, was not here and could not be consulted but you dare to continue on in such a manner now that I am here? I think not!"

"I have done what I believe is right for _Erebor_ ," Balin says angrily and he takes a step forward. "Your son is no longer your son, Dis and you should know this!"

"You forced him into a loveless marriage!"

"I saved the throne!"

"You dare presume to order him to bear a child when he is not even yet reconciled to his husband!"

"These are the facts of the throne and I am his Royal Advisor," Balin huffs out. "This is something you should understand. Thorin would have."

Dis sucks in a sharp breath, the colour leaving her cheeks. "Thorin also led my firstborn to his death on a senseless quest. Do you really want to discuss Thorin's judgement right now? I think not."

"Dis, you don't understand - "

"You can't possibly mean that," Dis interrupts and the colour has rushed in return to her cheeks, painting them an angry red. "I am a princess of Erebor and I will understand this kingdom more than you ever will. He is still my son though."

"That's enough," Kili finally says because he can't stand to be the source of anyone arguing. "Balin was only doing what he thought was right."

"Balin oversteps his place," Dis argues and there isn't much Kili can say to that because it's true, isn't it? If it wasn't for Balin, Kili would never be in this predicament. 

"Kili must consummate his marriage and he must have an heir!" Balin shouts and the plates on the table rattle. "I speak from a place of love, which you seem to forget, Dis! Dwalin is my brother, and I love him yes - "

"Of course you love him, you desire a brother-son on the throne," Dis spits out. "You seek to take what is my family right and turn it into yours!"

"He doesn't," Kili says quietly but his words are lost in Balin's heated reply. 

"You don't think I love your son?" Balin roars, sweeping his arm across the table, sending plates and goblets splattering to the floor. "I have loved and taught your son since he was born! He is Thorin's nephew, you believe that means nothing to me? I would not see Kili lose the throne - lose Thorin's throne - while I am here to prevent it. So yes, I urge Kili to have an heir."

"He is _young_ \- "

"He is young and I will not deny it but we cannot help that," Balin says, more gently this time. "An heir is the only thing that will hold Dain off for good, and it must be done. I seem cold hearted about the whole affair but if I am strong then perhaps Kili can draw from my strength for himself."

Dis swears and lowers herself back down to her seat. She rubs her hand over her beard and when she raises her head to meet Kili's gaze, he's horrified to see tears in her eyes. She opens her mouth to speak but closes it with a sob instead, lowering her head back down. 

"Don't cry," Kili says quickly, leaving his chair and he hurries to kneel at his mother's side, resting his hand on her back. "It'll be okay. We'll figure something out."

"What is there to figure out, my love?" She raises her head and soothes her hand down the curve of his jaw. "I'm afraid Balin is right. Erebor needs an heir."

"We'll figure something out," Kili says again, desperately this time. There must be another way to solve this problem, there must be something else he can do for Erebor than to shut the bedroom door and see Dwalin advancing towards him - naked - he breaks out into a cold sweat and rests his head down on her knee. "We'll figure something out," he repeats hollowly. 

He has no other choice than to figure something - anything - else out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @ viiiuniverse


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

It takes him awhile but eventually Dwalin does get there – that hollow ache in his chest is sadness and he is startled to realize just how much he _misses_ Kili. Even on their good days they never spent every moment together, but he was usually greeted at least once a day with a smile and to have that pulled away so sharply leaves a void. 

It's too late to reclaim it, though. That has slipped from his fingertips like water and there's nothing he can do besides move forward - move away. It's too painful to remain in the royal chambers where they once shared meals together, where Kili would hesitantly ask for his opinion on matters of Erebor, which had bolstered Dwalin's spirits. It had meant that Kili trusted him. 

Trusted. 

He imagines all fond terms are now in the past tense for Kili. 

So, he does what he is best at. He runs. He knows that he shouldn't leave because it will only make their problems worse but Dwalin has made plenty of terrible decisions in his life. He will go on patrol and decides he will head east to check how their boundaries are. He will be far from Erebor and from Kili, giving them both a chance to think. There's not much point to thinking, though, because he knows they only have a handful of options. 

They can bolster their courage with alcohol and endure the process, they can admit the marriage is a fraud and divorce or they can live in stony silence for the rest of the years and leave Erebor ripe for the taking. 

Dwalin doesn't know which option is the most appealing.

He continues to make poor decisions by cornering Nori in the hallway, leaning his upper arm against the stone and blocking the smaller dwarf in. 

"Dwalin," Nori says carefully, leaning against the wall and he crosses his feet at his ankles. He's smoking a pipe, the embers in the bowl glowing red and he blows dusty smoke up in the air. It curls around Dwalin's mangled ear before floating upwards. 

"You busy?" Dwalin asks and his arm twitches from being so close to Nori. He's not used to being so close to somebody who is blatantly offering something valuable to him. He is desperate to feel. He forces himself to pull away. 

"Busy as in this exact moment or..." Nori trails off and Dwalin doesn't miss the heated gaze he's given. 

"Busy as in pack yer bags, I'm going out on patrol to the east borders and I want a second," he says. His gut recoils because it is wrong, so wrong, to be inviting Nori but he can't find it in himself to care. Not now, not when Kili treats him so cruelly once more. 

"I think I can handle that," Nori says, pushing himself away from the wall and right into Dwalin's space. Dwalin doesn't move. "When do we leave?"

"At first light," Dwalin says, his hand twitching again. He forces it to stay at his side. "Think you can be ready by then?"

"Of course," Nori says, a hint of a smile before he slips away from Dwalin and disappears down the hallway. 

They leave Erebor just as dawn crests over the edge of the mountain, weak sunlight spilling through the trees, lighting their path as they ride. They plod along slowly because Dwalin has no desire to hurry. The longer he stays away from the mountain, the better it will be. They camp the first night in a thicket of brush, building a fire that crackles merrily as Nori roasts salted pork over it. They split it between them, along with bread that is still fresh from the kitchens and wash it down with water from their skins. 

"How long are we going to be gone?" Nori asks once he's swallowed his mouthful of food and Dwalin tracks the movement of Nori’s tongue as he licks the last remaining drops of salt from his lower lip. 

"I haven't decided yet," Dwalin replies, glancing down at the fire. "I thought maybe a fortnight. I need... space from Erebor right now."

Nori visibly hesitates before pressing on. "How is the whole Consort business?" He asks, reaching to grab a stick and he idly pokes the burning embers with it, reviving the dying fire. 

"It's harder than I thought it would be,” Dwalin admits before falling silent. He guards kingdom matters fiercely because he swore to protect Kili but it has been isolating. He wishes not for the first time that Thorin was here to hear his burdens as he was prone to do. 

Thorin and Dwalin were shield-brothers with little secrets between them. 

“And how’s Kili?” Nori presses again and Dwalin doesn’t have to glance at him to know the look on Nori’s face. “My previous offers stands, you know. I haven’t retracted it.”

“You should, Nori,” Dwalin huffs out a frustrated breath, his hand finding a rock on the ground and he drags it through the dirt, idly drawing runes. “You should find a dwarf that would be able to openly treasure you.”

“What dwarf in Erebor would have me?” Nori suddenly snaps and his voice is brittle and sharp. “Even if I am Spymaster, and even if I was on the quest, everyone still knows me as a thief and a criminal, Dwalin. No dwarf takes me seriously, let alone be willing to marry me.”

“Then you should leave Erebor and find one that will,” Dwalin retorts, digging the rock deeper into the ground. “You can’t think I will possibly do anything with you, Nori!”

“You want to!” Nori throws his branch angrily at the fire and sparks spit and hiss in return. “You’ll deny it even now but I can read people. You are desperate for touch.”

“I knew what I was giving up,” Dwalin says stubbornly because that’s what he is supposed to say. He is supposed to deny that he is lonely and aches for love. That is weakness he can’t afford to show. “I am not some animal where I cannot control myself. Sex is a small part of life, Nori. It’s not the purpose of it.”

“Love is,” Nori argues and Dwalin doesn’t look up as Nori shuffles closer, close enough that he can feel the brush of his clothing against his own. “Love is supposed to be the meaning of life. When you die, Dwalin, what will matter to you – a fucking mountain?”

“Thorin died for that mountain!” Dwalin shouts because he cannot handle Nori thinking that Erebor is nothing, that it is insignificant because many great dwarves, male and female alike, lost their lives for Erebor. 

“You are not Thorin!” 

Nori’s hands are in his beard, jerking his head up so their eyes meet and Dwalin can’t handle the eye contact. Despite their harsh tones, there is nothing malicious in Nori’s gaze. Instead, it is full of desire and care. Dwalin can’t handle Nori angry but he also can’t handle Nori expressing something he rarely shows – tenderness. 

“Nori…” he trails off desperately, wrenching himself free of Nori’s hold but he doesn’t move away like he should. Instead he drops his head against Nori’s shoulder and breathes the scent of the other dwarf in. It grounds him in a way that nothing else and belatedly, Dwalin realizes he has made poor choices indeed. 

“You don’t have to speak,” Nori whispers into his ear, his breath warm against Dwalin’s skin. “In fact, you don’t even have to pretend it’s me.”

Dwalin raises his head, shocked by the implication that Dwalin would be so shamed of Nori and that’s when it happens. Nori really is a stealthy little thief because he is stealing kisses from Dwalin that he didn’t know he had to give. But now that he’s here, he can’t find it in himself to pull away. 

He blindly reaches out and curls his hand in a knot of hair, anchoring himself against the onslaught of guilt and pleasure. The hair is coarse against his hand, not at all how he imagined Kili’s hair to be – his would be sleek and silky, unable to stay in a braid, unable to be tamed. Nori’s hair is coarse and stubborn, much like Nori himself but right now, it is holding Dwalin together. 

He groans and presses in even closer, parting his mouth and Nori is immediately in his mouth, his tongue mapping the space and drawing noises out of Dwalin. His cheeks burn with embarrassment but yet he still does not pull away. He is being touched and loved and he is starved for it. 

Nori is pressing closer and closer until Dwalin finally relaxes all his muscles against the ground and lets Nori crawl into his lap. The angle is better and Dwalin is able hold Nori's hips, pinning him down. It's futile though, it's not like Nori _wants_ to get away, judging from the way his hips are rolling down against Dwalin's. Dwalin is so aroused right now and for the first time in over a year - he is capable of satisfying himself with someone other than his own fists. 

"Dwalin," Nori pants against his mouth, his hand working between them as he attempts to get into Dwalin's clothing. "I have oil in my satchel - "

Dwalin stills as if he has been doused in water straight from the mountain springs. He cannot sleep with Nori, he has no right to find pleasure in the form of another. The next time he has sex, it should be with his... husband, in order to ensure there is an heir for Erebor. 

Damn his conscience. 

"Nori, get off," he says quietly, not having the courage to meet Nori's eyes. He will be furious and it is only their first night together. The rest of their patrol shall be painfully awkward. "I can't do this."

Nori hisses before his weight is gone and Dwalin lifts his head to see that Nori has retreated to the other side of the fire. His face is pinched in fury and yet Dwalin is still able to read the hurt in his gaze. It pains him to know that he has placed it there but the repercussions would have been unbearable if anyone had found out. 

"I will not offer myself to you again," Nori shouts at him, yanking at his own hair. "You raise my hopes only to dash them against the rocks time and time again!"

"I know," Dwalin says heavily, rubbing his eyes. "And I'm sorry for it. There are many reasons why I would, Nori. You should surely be confident in that by now."

"Then why won't you?" Nori pleads, taking a step closer but he pauses. "We could make it work, Dwalin. I can keep quiet."

"You deserve to be more than my secret, Nori," Dwalin says, pushing himself to his feet and he tries to surreptitiously adjust himself. By the way Nori's eyes track his every moment, he knows he's unsuccessful. "And you _know_ why I can't. I swear to Mahal if I have to say it one more time..."

"It's Kili, it's always fucking Kili," Nori snaps bitterly and he looks away from Dwalin, out towards the empty forest. "You deny yourself for a princeling brat that does not realize - does not _appreciate_ \- the gift he has been given."

"If Kili was anyone other than King, my resolve would be a lot weaker," Dwalin admits. "However, he is King over Thorin's mountain and in turn, my actions reflect on him. I would not cause him unnecessary trouble."

"How long will you allow yourself to be discontent?" Nori asks, pinning his gaze on Dwalin and he shifts under the intense eye contact. "How long will you let yourself wither away for a dwarfling that has no idea what to do with you?"

"Kili knows exactly what to do with me," Dwalin says and he doesn't miss the pained look that crossed Nori's face. "He chooses not to though because he knows that if our relationship progresses to such a level, it will be with a purpose. We need an heir, Nori."

Nori's stilled into silence for once, the stunned look on his face startling for Nori has always been a dwarf that is capable of foreseeing everything. "An heir?" He repeats dumbly. "You seek to put a babe in Kili."

"Aye, and now you know my source of unhappiness," Dwalin folds himself back down on the ground and sighs heavily. His whole body aches, he grows older each day. "How can I bring forth a child into this world with a husband who loathes me? If I don't though... Dain, or most likely his successor, will rule the mountain after all and this whole accursed marriage will be for naught!"

Nori's quiet as he picks his way back around the fire to sit beside Dwalin and he leans his weight against Dwalin's side. "It would appear that either choice is difficult," he says softly. "And I have probably not made it easier."

"Don't blame yourself," Dwalin says quickly because he doesn't want Nori to seek blame when there is none to be found. "I am grown enough to tell you to stop. You're not at fault here."

"They say dwarves only love once," Nori begins hesitantly and Dwalin goes cold-still beside him. "But I don't love you, Dwalin. If that's what you fear. I am attracted to you and I would be willing to be a secret if it meant I could have you but... I love no one. I am a criminal and I am not capable of love."

It is the saddest thing Dwalin has ever heard because every dwarf should be capable of love. 

“You love Dori and Ori,” Dwalin says because even Nori can’t deny that. He has seen how Nori protects his brothers; Nori has sacrificed much for them, especially Ori. 

“I don’t want you thinking that I am pining for you,” Nori finally says after a beat of silence. “And I will not seek you out again.”

“I wish you well, Nori, I truly do,” Dwalin says and he means it. If he cannot be the one to worship Nori, then he would have another dwarf do so. 

“I know I agreed to be your second but in the morn, I would return to Erebor, if it’s all the same to you,” Nori says and he won’t meet Dwalin’s gaze. “You may find another for your second, or perhaps you should go do your duty and make that heir.”

“Kili does not invite me into his bedroom,” Dwalin says awkwardly because that is information he guards but Nori has known the truth of his marriage since the beginning. “There will be no heir, I’m sure.”

“It is your job to convince him, then,” Nori says seriously, finally meeting Dwalin’s eyes. “Examine your life, Dwalin. Add up the sacrifices you are making for Erebor – for Kili – and know that you must have an heir. Otherwise you’re right, this marriage, your life, will have been for naught.”

“We will return to Erebor in the morning,” Dwalin finally says and Nori nods, moving away from him to lay out his bedroll on the other side of the fire. Dwalin misses the warmth of his body already but stays silent for that issue seems to be finally resolved and he would not unnecessarily hurt Nori more. Not when he has been such a good friend to him. “Thank you, Nori,” he says over the dying embers of the fire.

“Sleep, Dwalin,” Nori says and Dwalin doesn’t miss the tenderness in his voice. Despite whatever Nori says, Dwalin knows he is wrong on one account – Nori is very much capable of love.

***

It becomes a routine that Bilbo learns to cherish; every afternoon he makes his way to Dis’ rooms and they are brought tea and warm pastries. Some days they speak about the Kingdom, and sometimes they speak of Thorin and his childhood and Bilbo’s love for him. Other times, they sit in complete yet comfortable silence, both lost in their heads with the inability to properly express what they’re feeling.

Today is a speaking day, although Dis speaks short sentences and takes time before replying. She is clearly thinking of matters other than the Miners they had been discussing but Bilbo doesn’t fault her. Matters of the kingdom often bore him but he never expresses that because it is clear to him now that every dwarf in Erebor believes him to be Thorin’s widower. If Thorin had lived, Bilbo would be Consort and therefore, he must never, ever express that he find such matters dull. 

“Dis?” He says softly, raising the fine china to his lips and taking a small sip of tea that tastes like warm spice with a hint of apple. “You seem preoccupied in your thoughts.”

“I apologize, Bilbo,” Dis says, sighing heavily and she meets his gaze. Her eyes are full of worry and she looks more tired than Bilbo has ever seen her. “My thoughts are on Kili.”

“I figured as much,” Bilbo says. “I think of Kili often as well. He seems quieter these days.”

“I’m afraid that he has had a rather large disagreement with Dwalin,” Dis admits. “The source of the argument has caused quite the strain on their already precarious marriage.”

“Does it happen to include the word heir?” Bilbo hesitates before saying. He is never fully certain how far he can press into this family, even if they tell him they have claimed him for their own. “Kili and I had conversation down in the tombs the other day and the whole process seemed to be bothering him.”

“He’s _terrified_ of it and I was not here to protect him,” Dis says sharply, setting her cup down hard enough that a hairline crack forms. “He was vulnerable after the battle and I should have been here to protect his best interests.”

“I should have done so, in your stead,” Bilbo says and this is guilt he carries to this day. “I was so preoccupied with my own loss that I did not stop to think of Kili once. I am sorry for it, Dis. I did a great disservice to your family.”

“You were not fully aware of our customs, Bilbo. You mustn’t feel such guilt over it, I hold you responsible in no way. As Kili’s mother, I should have been here to speak for him when he was not able to. And in my absence, Balin should have protected him.”

“I think Balin did what he believed to be right at the time,” Bilbo says awkwardly, but he can hardly remember those days. After the battle, the days had bled together in a grey blur and Bilbo had been consumed with grief. “We have come this far, though. It would be a waste to let go of everything Kili has earned.”

“So you believe I should encourage my son to bear?” Dis leans back in her seat and picks up a scone from the plate, spreading tart raspberry jam over the length. “Even though he is terrified, you believe I should press him forward.”

“Well… that is… I suppose yes, I do believe that,” Bilbo says helplessly and shrugs his shoulders. “A divorce would look poorly on their part and would solve absolutely nothing. An heir would solve many problems. Much like this marriage in general, Kili will have to sacrifice something.”

“That seems cold,” Dis says quietly. “And yet, I know you speak from a place of love for Kili. You would not seek evil for our boy.”

“No, I would not,” Bilbo says, his heart warming at the fact that Dis shares her love for Kili with him. “I don’t imagine it will be easy, but together, the family and the company, we will see Kili through this. And once the ordeal is over, think of the benefits. Think of the joy for Erebor – an heir!”

“You understand us a lot more than you give yourself credit for,” Dis says and gives him a gentle smile. “You would have made a fine Consort, Bilbo.”

“Yes, well, Dwalin is doing a fine job,” Bilbo is quick to say because he doesn’t want to imagine a world where he was Consort because that would mean Thorin would be alive and well, rather than cold and still, buried in stone. 

“I suppose it will be up to me then to ensure that Kili makes an attempt,” Dis groans and takes a bite of the scone, excess jam dripping on to her wrist and she licks it off. “Next to Fili, he listened to me best.”

“You are his mother,” Bilbo says, and his mind drifts back to the Shire and the days he spent with his own mother and how loved he had felt with her. “You represent safety and home and love to him. He will trust you.”

“And I am not leading him astray,” she says, dropping her gaze. “I am doing the right thing.”

“It is hard, I know it is, but yes, you are doing the right thing,” Bilbo reassures. 

He would wonder if he’s telling the truth but now is not the time for doubt. They have set upon this course and their only choice is to see it through. The decision was made well over a year ago when Kili swore in front of Dain that he loved Dwalin. Words are easily spoken, Bilbo knows this. It will be their actions that will determine the success of their plan. 

Should Kili bear, Bilbo truly believes that they will be successful in all they have sought after. And nothing, not even Thorin's death, will have been for naught.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter is short. i apologize. i just really wanted to get something new posted before i left for holidays. the next chapter will be much longer with much more plot development, lol. promise!

A servant brings Kili a letter first thing in the morning and when he opens it, it's Bilbo's writing. He's requested that should Kili have time, would he like to join Bilbo for lunch on the small balcony that resides within the Royal Apartments. Kili grabs a fresh pierce of parchment and writes that he will meet Bilbo by the eleventh bell and sends the servant from his chambers. 

It's closer to half past the eleventh bell by the time Kili leaves the Council room and makes his way to the balcony. Bilbo is waiting for him at the table, smoking his pipe weed and a glass of dark wine beside him. He looks better than he has in awhile and it warms Kili's heart to see it. 

"Forgive me," he says as he slides into his empty seat. A servant steps forward to pour him wine and uncover the dishes before fading away. 

"There's nothing to forgive," Bilbo says, tamping the pipe out and he sets it down on the table beside his plate. "You're the King, that comes with a lot of responsibilities. I'm just fortunate that you had time for me at all on such short notice."

"Aye, I'm the king, but you are kin and I will always make time for you," Kili says, examining the lunch that has been prepared for them. It's thick juicy cuts of meat over bread that has been toasted and buttered. Rich gravy sits in a bowl beside it all and Kili doesn't hesitate in drizzling it over his food. 

"You're very sweet, you know that?" Bilbo says and his eyes have already misted up. 

"Now you're just speaking nonsense," Kili says. He watches as Bilbo carefully cuts through the meat and bread, piercing it with a fork and dipping it in the gravy before bringing it to his mouth. He dunks his own meal into the gravy and tears off a bite with his teeth. 

"Your table manners are much like your uncle's," Bilbo says with a poorly hidden smile. "He also ate like a boar."

Kili starts, banging his knee against the stone of the table. "Why Bilbo, I do believe that was an actual joke," he says, licking the gravy sliding down his finger. "I'm impressed."

"Erebor has been good for me," Bilbo concedes, taking another dainty bite. "The Shire did not feel like home anymore, which was the oddest sensation. The hobbits did not feel like home either, I found myself craving the company of dwarves. One dwarf in particular."

"Thorin," Kili says, nodding his head. 

"No," Bilbo says gently. "Don't misunderstand me. Of course I crave Thorin above all. But it was your company I wanted. I wanted to remain close to what belonged to Thorin."

"Well, I am glad to see you," Kili says honestly. "Save for my mother, you are the only family I have left. The pair of you are the only ones I can really trust."

"And the Company, surely," Bilbo raises an eyebrow. "I mean... it's the Company."

"Aye, it's the Company but it is lonely to sit on a throne," Kili says, his voice rough with bitterness. "You never truly know friend from foe."

"I know that your uncle was often lonely," Bilbo speaks haltingly at first before growing in strength. "However, he told me time and time again that if you could not trust your Company, then there was none you could, not even kin. For your Company _should_ be your family. I know that he would have died for any dwarf on the quest for he truly valued them all to be kin."

"It's true, he even trusted Nori," Kili cannot help the smile at that. His mind returns to the moment where Nori picked his lock though and the smile fades. "However, Nori has distanced himself from me, and rightly so. He has proven to be untrustworthy."

"Perhaps it is just a misunderstanding," Bilbo suggests. "In any case, my dear lad, you should trust the Company. You won't feel so alone if you do. The throne doesn't have to be as isolating as you believe it to be."

"It is, though, because half the Company favour Dwalin," Kili bites out, looking out over the balcony. The sun is shining brightly and the grass in the distance is green and lush, boasting of its health and vitality. Everything outside of the Mountain is alive and well and everything inside the Mountain, like Kili's womb - is stone cold and barren. 

"I do not think they favour Dwalin, I think they just don't understand the task that has been set before you," Bilbo says gently. "I am sure that somewhere, the idea of an heir has crossed their minds, but they don't realize the full ramifications of it."

"They are fools then," Kili says, instantly regretting his words. "They mean well, forgive me. However, their loyalty is to the throne, which means I have not an ally among them."

"You have me," Bilbo says, setting his wine goblet down. "You will always have me on your side, Kili. And I will provide you with whatever counsel I can."

"Answer me this then," Kili stops and chews on his bottom lip. He's not sure if he wants to even ask Bilbo because he's so desperately afraid that his answer will be just like the rest. However, Bilbo is kin, and therefore to be trusted. "What should I do? Regarding an heir."

Bilbo is silent for a moment, drumming his fingers along the table top and Kili is able to see that he's chewed his nails too short once again. He finally exhales a gusty sigh and meets Kili's eyes. There's an apology in the gaze and Kili already burns with regret.

"I think you should have a private conversation with Dwalin and lay everything out on the table, so to speak. Get everything, and I mean absolutely every single detail, every feeling, _everything_ , out into the open. And then the pair of you should _mutually_ agree on a plan."

It's not what Kili expected to hear at all. It's not what he wants to hear, but it's not the worst either. It's the perfect compromise, and more importantly, it's something Kili can live with. "What sort of plan?" He asks, licking his dry lips. 

"I think it's a bit cruel that everyone has just assumed that you will be the one to carry," Bilbo says bluntly. "I think you should speak with Dwalin regarding it. You need an heir, yes, but there's no reason why you have to be the one to carry it."

"Dwalin is older, it could be dangerous to him," Kili says although he knows that dwarves older than Dwalin have born. It's spoken of in legend that a dwarf as old as three hundred bore a son once upon a time. 

"Then he can bloody well tell you that, rather than just assume you should be the one to risk it all," Bilbo says with a nod of his head. "You must learn to work together. You've come a long way but this is to be your biggest test. So far, you're failing which means Dain and other enemies are winning."

"You are good for me, Bilbo," Kili says with a rush of warmth to his chest. "You are good for me, and I am so glad you have come."

"I would rather be nowhere else," Bilbo says earnestly and it's so clearly the truth that it almost hurts. 

"I will speak with him then," Kili resolves, pouring more gravy on to his bread so it becomes soggy and tears more easily. "It might amount to nothing but at least I will have made an honorable effort."

"That's a good lad," Bilbo says with a kind smile. "I am very grateful that Thorin and I never had to cross such a bridge. Not that it would have really worked for us, since hobbits are built differently than dwarves."

"And Thorin had Fili," Kili says, hating the way that his voice still catches on the word even though it's been over a year. "Thorin never needed to have a child because when Fili was born, he declared him heir."

"I wonder how your mother felt about that," Bilbo says with a smirk. 

"How did I feel about what?" A voice interrupts them and Bilbo's smile disappears at the sight of Dis in the doorway. 

"Ah, Dis, hello! I didn't see you there," Bilbo says quickly and it's Kili's turn to smile now. 

"Peace, Bilbo," Dis says, crossing over to them and she sits on the bench carved right into the edge of the balcony since there are no other chairs. "Please, resume your conversation. I simply heard voices and my curiosity got the better of me."

"As it tends to do," Kili says under his breath, leaning out of reach for the half-hearted swat his mother gives him. 

"We are discussing heirs," Bilbo says after a moment. "Kili will be having a discussion with Dwalin regarding the matter. I had just said that I was fortunate to not have to experience that conversation with Thorin."

"Because he always had Fili," Kili supplies. 

"And then I just wondered how you felt about that," Bilbo says, narrowing his eyes. "I mean, here you are, a brand new mother, and you have someone claiming the future of your new babe."

Kili's jaw drops at Bilbo's audacity and he abandons the rest of his meal in order to watch his mother's reaction. He's never actually thought about how she would feel, becoming mother to the next King Under the Mountain. She's not angry though, she has a pensive look on her face and she leans forward to pluck Kili's wine from him, taking a long swallow. 

"I was furious," she says bluntly, taking another drink of wine before setting the glass back down on the stone top. "I was absolutely furious that my brother chose a life of solitude but then expected to raise my son for me."

"You never told me that," Kili interrupts, frowning. All their lives growing up, their mother had encouraged them in their princely duties and had boasted of what an honor it was to be born into the House of Durin. 

"Of course I didn't," Dis laughs, her fingers still curved around the thin stem of the glass. "You and your brother were already such a handful. Thorin and I knew the moment you were born, we would have to present a unified front if we had any hope of controlling the pair of you. And besides, as your parent figures, it was our job to shield you from the cruelty of the world."

"You consider the throne a cruelty? I find that interesting since you did not marry into it, rather you were born from it. One might even argue that is your birthright before it is Kili's," Bilbo says with an edge to his voice. "Or is that not how dwarves work?"

"That is typically not how we work," Dis replies and there's the same tension in her tone. Kili sits up straighter, looking worriedly between the two of them. "A dwarf will have a distant relation as his heir before he will ever have his sister, and that's for anything. You can imagine the stakes when it is a kingdom."

"And it doesn't really matter, does it?" Kili says, anxious to prove that he hasn't stolen the throne from his mother. She had never expressed an interest in it. "I would be her heir anyway, as her son, and we would eventually be in this predicament anyway!"

"Of course, my love," she soothes, her hand leaving the glass to brush his hair out of his eyes gently. "You are a fine king and I would not see you dethroned for anything, not even for myself. I do not desire it, my sweet lad, for I have seen the troubles it brings."

"Such as Thorin naming Fili his heir," Bilbo says, bringing them back round to the original conversation. "Did you have any power to stop it?"

"If I had tried harder, perhaps, but Thorin placated me and said that it might not be permanent, he might yet still wed. I should have known that it was a lie. And once Kili was born, I was already quite alone and did not have the strength to refuse him. My sons were fatherless and Thorin was there to protect them, to teach them. I could not deny them that, despite the fear in my heart."

"The fear that they would rule Ered Luin?"

"The fear that they would try to reclaim Erebor," Dis gives a heavy sigh and turns her gaze away. Kili doesn't miss the lone tear that tracks its way down her face. "I knew if Thorin did not accomplish it, he would ignite the fire in their hearts. I would lose my entire family to Erebor, I feared. It appears those fears were well founded, as I only have Kili left."

"And Bilbo," Kili says because it's important to never forget that. 

Bilbo gives them a gentle smile and raises his wine glass towards Dis. "To family," he says with a clink. 

"To family," Kili echoes and somewhere, deep in his heart, he believes Dwalin should be here.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

The knock on his door surprises him because it is very late and Dwalin rarely receives visitors to his rooms. He's dressed in the light trousers and shirt he wears to bed and so he hesitates but at the second knock, he moves to pull open the door an inch. He's startled to see Kili standing there, dressed in his own sleep clothes. 

"Are you okay?" is the first thing that comes out of his mouth because he can't imagine any other reason that Kili would need him, besides his brute strength. 

"Yes, I'm fine," Kili says before he looks at the small space in the doorway. "Are you going to let me in or is this not a good time?"

"I was just going to sleep, but you can come in," Dwalin says numbly, opening the door far enough for Kili to slip inside before he closes it carefully. He hasn't spoken to Kili since they were in the woods. They've avoided each other studiously and to suddenly be alone together is a bit worrisome. 

Kili sits down on the long couch and twists the hem of his white, cotton shirt in his fingers. He's clearly nervous and he clearly has an agenda, Dwalin doesn't know why else he would be here. He's not sure he's ready to hear anything Kili has to say though. He doesn't want their relationship to fall any further than it already is. He just wants to go back to being friends, to when Kili had trusted him and had sought out his company. 

He has missed all of that, he's missed Kili's bright smiles and sharp laughter, the way his eyes had sparkled when he winked at Dwalin and the way he sought to remain himself, even during Council meetings when the Council disapproved of his opinions so often. 

He's a remarkable dwarf and Dwalin has _missed_ him. 

Dwalin sits down on the other side of the couch and angles his body so that he's facing Kili and he does his best to keep a calm, neutral expression on his face. "It's very late," he says softly. "Have the nightmares returned?"

"They never truly went away," Kili says grimly, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm just satisfied if I sleep at all these nights. Since... well, since we fought, I haven't been sleeping well."

"We didn't fight," Dwalin immediately says because they hadn't, not really. They had just... stopped talking. 

"We didn't exchange angry words, no, but you pulled away. You went on patrol with Nori, although it was the shortest patrol ever," Kili rolls his eyes and Dwalin winces. 

He hasn't spoken to Nori since their kiss and he doesn't know when that will change. Nori is a temptation to him, but ultimately, a distraction from his real feelings. It's not right to Kili, and it's especially not right to Nori. He deserves more than a warrior who is helplessly in love with another. 

"Nori had urgent business to return to, and I thought you would consider me foolish if I had continued on alone," Dwalin says. 

"Too right I would have," Kili exclaims before he falls silent with a pinched look on his face. It's a moment before he finally speaks again, saying, "I am too familiar with you. Even now, I find myself comfortable and I shouldn't."

"You should," Dwalin says earnestly, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the top of his thighs. "You can trust me, Kili. I've told you, I won't do anything that you are not prepared to do. I want us to regain our familiarity. I want you to be comfortable with me."

With Kili, he's beginning to realize that he wants so much. 

"I want to discuss this heir business for once and for all," Kili blurts out, raising his eyes to meet Dwalin's. 

Dwalin had hoped that they would be able to put this business behind them for once and for all so they could gain what they had lost. That is clearly not going to happen. He swallows hard and nods his head, settling into the couch although his body remains tensed, poised at any moment to run.

“I am open to a discussion,” he says, forcing himself to sit still. Perhaps tonight will be their turning point, perhaps tonight they can turn the page on that chapter and move forward. “What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t think it’s fair that everyone, including you, automatically assumes that I will be the one to risk my life to carry an heir,” Kili says, and his voice trembles slightly. “I am King, and you are Consort. You should be the one pregnant for if anything was to happen to me…”

“You are younger than I am,” Dwalin reminds him carefully. He’s not ashamed of the fact; he doesn’t mind that his body is too old to bear a healthy child. He’s never had the desire for it. For the majority of his life, it wasn't even a thought. 

It just simply wasn't done, there was never a need for it. Until now - until they needed an heir. 

"I am younger but I still deserve a say," Kili says. 

"Of course you deserve a say," Dwalin says and he sighs heavily, the itch burning under his skin. "Don't you realize it, though? You are young and wonderful, you are yet still so innocent and pure. Beautiful, blessed children would come out of your body. Look at me, Kili. Nothing good can come out of me."

Kili's jaw drops at that and he narrows his eyes. "That is completely untrue," he retorts. "And I don't appreciate the deflection."

"I'm not deflecting anything," Dwalin protests because of course Kili would choose to believe he's lying when it's one of the few times he's completely honest. That's just their luck. "I'm not good enough."

"I think you are," Kili says, moving closer on the couch, even though he looks angry. "You shouldn't put yourself down like that. You don't see what I do!"

"I can only imagine what you see," Dwalin says with a mocking laugh. "An old, scarred warrior that you have no love for and could never desire."

"You're shouldn't say that," Kili whispers, looking down. "It's not true at all, Dwalin."

"What do you see then?" Dwalin doesn't know why he's challenging him. Perhaps it's because he's lonely, perhaps it's because he could have had Nori but said no. For months now he could have spent his time with a warm body under his own and yet it's been nothing but cold sheets and his own hand. Perhaps it's because there's a look on Kili's face, one he has never seen before, one that almost dares to give him hope. 

Perhaps because he really is just an old fool.

"I see someone who was kind to me when I was undeserving. I see someone who has always been honest with me, even when it was difficult. I see someone who has always held my interests higher than his own. I see a friend."

"I haven't been completely honest," Dwalin says, and it pains him to admit it. He could take Kili's rare praise and revel in it, although it would be dishonest and he would remember it to the end of the days. If they ever have a shot together, he must be honest with him. 

"What do you mean?"

"I was involved with Nori once more," Dwalin says softly, even though he knows that Kili will never forgive Nori, will most likely never forgive _Dwalin_. "We were.. physical together. I stopped it before it led to anything too serious, but when we were on patrol, something did happen."

"Did you sleep with him?" Kili's voice is flat and hard and Dwalin can only imagine the look on his face. He still doesn't dare to look at him, though. 

"No! I told you, I stopped it before it led to anything serious. We kissed and that was it. It felt like a betrayal to you, so I turned him away."

"A betrayal to me," Kili's laugh is hollow. "You owe me nothing, Dwalin."

"Perhaps I'd like to," Dwalin says without thinking. He closes his eyes, the words still lingering in the air. He's done well to disguise his feelings so far, to keep his distance and have Kili believe they are simply friends trying to make the best of a terrible situation. 

"Why?" Kili's voice has lost its edge and when Dwalin finally looks up, there's an appearance of confusion written all over Kili's young features. 

Dwalin licks his lips as he stalls for time. The silence stretches thin and yet Kili does not speak, clearly giving Dwalin the time to form his words. He doesn't know how to express them, though. He doesn't know how to say that he's learned to love a dwarf who pushed away everyone he could, especially Dwalin. 

There's something heartbreaking about Kili and Dwalin has always had a softness for those too vulnerable to defend themselves. Kili had tried, he had tried valiantly with barbed words and cold stares but deep in his heart, Kili yearned for love and it was clear as the sky. Dwalin can still remember the look on Kili's face after Thorin and Fili had fell. He has seen Kili cry throughout the years, from a baby to a dwarfling to the dwarf he is now but he had never felt his heart break for Kili the way it had that day. 

"I want us to be friends," he finally settles on saying because that's all he has to offer. Kili has made it clear he does not want anything else, and Dwalin will keep his word. He will not push for more. "I want us to be parents."

Kili starts beside him but he doesn't move away. "So you'll carry a child then."

"Kili, you know in your heart that I am not capable of carrying a child. If I thought that perhaps I could safely bring our child into the world, I would. I have sacrificed so much for you, and I will continue to do so. However, no child will live in me. I know that as well as I know the sky is blue and the trees will bloom each spring."

"So it is up to me, then," Kili says resignedly. "We're going to actually attempt this."

"We don't have to do it right away," Dwalin says carefully, even as his heart leaps in his chest and he hates himself for it. "We could wait years, even. You're young yet, I don't think anyone will be surprised if we take some time before we form a family."

How sickening that he will take Kili into his bed when he would go so unwillingly. It's wrong, even if Kili agrees to it, it's wrong that Dwalin will delight in his body when Kili hates it so much. And yet, it's necessary, he tells himself. He is only following his King's lead, it's not his fault that it will mean more to Dwalin than it will ever mean to Kili. 

"And have this hang over my head for years to come, occupying my thoughts and waking me every night? For that's what it is now, Dwalin. I wake in terror that I'm being split apart from the inside, the blood soaking the blankets until I am drowning in it. And yet, when I finally wake, the sheets are cold but my belly still aches."

"We are not doing this," Dwalin says firmly. "If this terrifies you so much then we are not doing it. We will find another way."

"We've discussed this again and again," Kili lets out a huff of laughter. "There _is_ no other way, Dwalin! Now that I've agreed to it, don't tempt me to back out."

"Do you want to speak to Oin or should I handle it?" Dwalin asks because if they are going to do this, they will need the fertility herbs. Oh Mahal, he hopes it doesn't take the first time. If he's able to show Kili just how gentle and loving he can be, over and over, perhaps things could be different. 

"You handle it," Kili says and he looks uneasy. "The less involved I am is more preferable, I should think."

"When would you like this?" Dwalin asks, tamping down any joy he feels because he is a horrible, despicable dwarf for looking forward to something that Kili so dreads. 

"Next month, I suppose," Kili says. "I'll take the herbs as soon as Oin prepares them and then..."

"Then we'll lay together," Dwalin says and deep down, his heart purrs.

***

He waits until after the Council meeting, when Kili has escaped as quickly as he could and the rest of the dwarves begin to leave before he pulls Balin and Oin aside. He will need both of their counsel for although Oin will administer the herbs, Dwalin knows that Balin needs to be kept abreast of matters. They're quiet until the room is empty save themselves and Dwalin shuts the door to ensure further privacy.

"Oin, I am to speak to you of something that is most private," he says firmly because even though Oin is of the Company and they are to trust him, he needs to make sure that nobody will be gossiping about Kili. 

"Of course," Oin frowns at him, placing a hand on his hip. "I've always kept the matters our company has discussed in the deepest of confidence!"

"I do know that," Dwalin says soothingly. "I mean no disrespect, truly. This is just something beyond the realm of your typical duties and it will make for the most interesting gossip. However, I'm trying to avoid all of that for Kili's sake."

"Speak on then," Oin demands. "Tell me what it is that you need."

"Fertility herbs," Dwalin says, ignoring the intake of breath from Balin. "Kili and I are going to begin a family so we need the herbs as soon as you can find them."

"I've got some already," Oin says and a sly smile cracks out over his face. "Did you really think I wouldn't realize you'd need them? I might be deaf but I'm not daft, Dwalin. Of course you're going to need an heir."

Dwalin can't help the burst of laughter that slips out. "I should have known that you were two steps ahead of me," he says ruefully. "Thank you, Oin."

"I take it that Kili will be the one to carry the child?" Oin says, the laughter gone from his voice and his healing training has taken over. "Although you are Consort and it would make more sense in that aspect, Kili's youth is on his side. It's difficult enough for a male dwarf to carry a child. Our females suffer and they were specifically born to do it. You can imagine how hard it will be for him."

"He will be safe though?" Dwalin asks and he feels the cold stretch of panic sneak down his spine. "I can't lose him, Oin. I mean, Erebor cannot afford to lose Kili."

"I will do what I can to ensure his safety but you must be aware of the consequences. Death occurs, sometimes of the dwarf bearing but usually of the babe."

"I will tell him of the risks," Dwalin says, even if it means Kili changes his mind once more. It wouldn't be fair otherwise. Still, he'd rather a hundred dead babes than lose Kili. 

"There's also the risk of miscarriage," Oin continues carefully. "Sometimes it happens for a reason, if he happens to be too strenuous on his body and sometimes it happens for no reason at all. He will become violently ill to his stomach and the colour on his belly will turn a sickly grey. We will know then that the babe inside is dead and will be able to perform the necessary measures to remove it."

Mahal, it's a lot more complicated than Dwalin ever imagined it to be. He knew it would be hard and there would be risks involved but to hear Oin lay them out so clearly, especially when they concern Kili, is more alarming than he would like to admit. He will still have to share these risks with Kili because he cannot in good conscience to allow Kili go into something so serious blind. 

"He shouldn't miscarry," Balin speaks up. "He's young and he's of the line of Durin. They've been blessed richly with children."

"Most dwarves count themselves fortunate to have one, blessed to have two and there isn't even a word for three children," Oin says, nodding his head. "So yes, Kili comes from a good line. He should be safe."

"Please be safe," Dwalin whispers, his heart clenching in his chest. "I will tell him that you have the herbs. How are they administered?"

"It's really quite simple," Oin says. "I've made sure to study up on it, even though I've done it before. I wanted to make sure that I knew what to expect. He will take the herbs orally in a potion. It will taste most foul but it's important that he swallows every last drop. After he drinks the brew, I will see him every day and massage his belly with a special oil. It will prepare his skin for the stretching."

"Thank you for being so prepared, Oin," Dwalin says. "I - nay, Kili and I, we are appreciate it more than we can express. This is a difficult situation and you are making it a bit easier for us."

"I will see Kili tomorrow with the potion," Oin says. "I will be in his rooms after the ninth bell. He shouldn't eat before then. The potion needs to be taken on an empty stomach for it will burn otherwise. He may drink something warm afterwards for comfort since it will be painful."

"I will tell him," Dwalin says before he makes his farewells and leaves the Council room. It appears that regardless of how Kili feels, and regardless of how Dwalin feels, this whole affair is actually happening and that they are about to embark on a whole new quest - parenthood. 

Mahal help them.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note - it's been pointed out that some of this chapter could be read as dubious consent. That is not my intent but if that is a trigger for you, then you might want to skip the second half the chapter.

There's a knock on his door but Kili doesn't rise to answer it. Instead, he buries himself deeper and deeper into his blankets, unwilling to face the dwarf on the other side. Despite his agreement to this and his insistence that it happen sooner or later, it still feels like it's happening fast, spinning out of his control. If he can just stay in bed then perhaps he can pretend just a little longer that this isn't real. 

Voices float through the doorway and he hears Dwalin speaking lowly to Oin. He thought of inviting Bilbo and his mother but had decided against it. This is hard enough, he doesn't need any more sympathetic looks or pitying gazes. He rolls over and pulles his furs over his head, wishing his bed would swallow him whole. 

Dwalin had come to his rooms last night and had relayed his entire conversation with Oin. It had made the whole thing seem even more awful. And now he's terrified, absolutely terrified that he will birth dead baby after another. He doesn't fear for himself, for if he is to die then he will return to Fili's side, and what a blessing that will be. No, the true fear is failing Erebor once more. 

"Kili?" It's Dwalin's voice and he feels the bed dip as the older dwarf sits down. He feels a large hand gentle on his shoulder, rolling him over and he blinks up at Dwalin as the blankets are pulled away. 

"Hello," he says softly, ducking his shoulder away from Dwalin's touch and he sits up, leaning against the headboard. "Hello, Oin."

"Morning," Oin says, setting a satchel down on the foot of the bed and he begins to pull out various glass bottles. They tinkle and slosh as he adds them to a goblet, his brows furrowed in concentration as he adds in a pinch of herbs and a dash of spice. He pulls a metal stick out of his bag and stirs the potion, cupping it against his ear as he listens to it fizz and pop. Finally, he holds it out to Kili.

"Drink," he instructs. "And drink quickly."

Kili takes the goblet and lifts it to his nose to sniff. He immediately wretches back and gags loudly, breathing hard through his nose to control himself. It smells like death itself, it smells absolutely vile and he can't believe he has to drink this. His hand trembles, the liquid nearly spilling and Dwalin is suddenly there, steadying his wrist. His touch is hot to the skin and Kili tightens his grip on the goblet so he's able to move his hand away.

"Cheers," he says grimly, lifting the goblet to his mouth and he tips the contents back. He swallows and swallows, not giving himself time to dwell on the taste but it's there anyway. He begins to sputter and choke, liquid seeping down his chin but he scoops it up with his free hand and licks it all off. 

Oin said he had to drink every last drop. 

Oin takes the goblet from him when he's finished and sets it aside. The healer frowns, his wiry brows furrowing and he leans closer into Kili's personal space. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm going to be sick," Kili mutters. His stomach has already began clenching and his mouth has filled with saliva, a classic sign that he's about to be sick to his stomach. 

"Drink this," Dwalin says, passing him a glass of warm milk. "Tiny sips though, you want  
to sooth your stomach, not irritate it further."

"I don't have to drink this again, do I?" Kili asks, taking a small sip of the milk. His stomach shudders in protest and he takes another, this one even smaller. 

"Not until you want to conceive a spare," Oin says and it sounds like a joke but his face is completely serious. 

"I'm only doing this once," Kili states, avoiding Dwalin's gaze. "This is absolutely awful."

"This is the easy part," Oin says and there's almost a chuckle to his voice. "Just wait until you begin expanding and then you have to actually deal with the birth."

"Do you want me to throw up right now? Because I will," Kili demands, giving Oin a hard look. "We're taking this one step at a time, thank you. Anything else and I won't be able to handle it."

"Now the oils on his skin," Dwalin interrupts, casting Oin a glare and it would soothe Kili to know that Dwalin is on his side but the fact that he still has unresolved business with Dwalin makes it a bit more difficult. 

He feels so self-conscious but lays down on his back, rucking his shirt up to his chest and holds still. The oil that is poured on his skin is surprisingly warm, almost to the point of being too hot. It smells strongly of sage and lemongrass. Oin's hands touch his skin confidently, massaging the oil deep into his skin. It's the first time since the battle that somebody has lain their hands on him and he fights the urge to roll away. 

"Does it hurt?" Dwalin asks, reaching forward to brush his shoulder before he retreats quickly, probably before Kili is able to pull away from him once more. 

"No, it doesn't hurt," Kili whispers, wishing that Dwalin wasn't here for this part. He doesn't like that Dwalin is seeing him shirtless, that he will see what a childish body Kili still has. He doesn't like to know that Dwalin will feel revulsion, not arousal, when he sees Kili naked for the first time because he still doesn't look like a proper dwarf. 

Oin is finished soon after and he pulls Kili's shirt down for him, rising from the bed and disappearing into the washroom to clean his hands. When he emerges, he begins to gather up the supplies that he brought. 

"We will do the oil every day until you lie together," he says. "After that has happened, then we will only do it weekly, unless you're in pain."

"Okay," Kili says through numb lips and he's grateful that Oin doesn't linger. When they're alone, he pulls the furs back up over his body, deciding that he doesn't want to be king today. Instead, he is going to lie in bed for as long as he pleases and sleep the day away. 

"Do you need anything?" Dwalin asks, hovering in the doorway. 

"For you to leave me alone," Kili retorts, rolling over and he pulls the blankets over his head once more. There's silence behind him, Dwalin choosing not to answer, except to quietly shut the bedroom door behind him as he goes.

***

For the next two weeks, his stomach burns bright and hot. It cramps in waves, leaving him dizzy and gasping for breath. He doesn't know if it's the potion, the herbs rubbed daily into his skin, or the anxiety that it's almost time to do the unthinkable. He's quiet in Council and lets Balin do the majority of talking. It's like he's reverted to his fragile state after the battle, and he finds the nights hard again. Dwalin, to his credit, tries to stay away, even though Kili can tell that it bothers him. For some reason that he can't pinpoint just yet, Dwalin wants to help him, make things easier. He doesn't understand his motives just yet but he'll figure them out eventually.

It's the morning that it's supposed to happen that Dwalin tracks him down and finds him in the library, idly flipping through a copy of Ori's account of the quest. Kili has never been prone to reading, but sometimes he likes to read the quest just to remember details that he's otherwise forgotten. Plus, Ori had been in love with Fili and so there's a lot of his brother throughout the book, bringing warmth to Kili's chest. 

There's also the false romance but he pushes that aside. 

"Can I bother you for a moment?" Dwalin asks softly, leaning against one of the wooden tables and the look on his face is nervous and serious. 

"I suppose," Kili says because he's not a fool. He's been counting down the days on his calendar just as much as Dwalin has. He knows what today is. 

"I would just like to clarify when you would like this to happen... we should probably discuss the details," Dwalin says softly. 

They're thankfully alone in the library which allows Kili to answer him. "Isn't it normally at night? I mean, I've never..." he snaps his mouth shut with a click, his teeth sore. He knows Dwalin is aware he's never been with anyone but he still doesn't need to come right out and _admit_ it. 

A look of unguarded kindness crosses Dwalin's face and he hurries to sit down in the chair beside Kili's. "It can happen at night, if that's what you're more comfortable with," he says softly. "I also thought that perhaps we could use my chambers, since I would prefer for your chambers to be filled with nothing but good memories."

"What about you?" Kili asks, because it's a concession he didn't expect Dwalin to make. 

"It won't be a bad memory to me," Dwalin says, shrugging his shoulders. "It's Erebor's future, I do not dread it like you do."

"Easy for you," Kili mutters before he falls silent. He must be agreeable because being cold won't solve anything. It will only make matters worse. "Your chambers will be fine."

"You don't have to sleep there, if that's what you're worried about," Dwalin says gently. "You can leave my chambers afterwards if that's what you desire. Everything about this will be about your comfort, as much as it can be."

"Thank you," Kili says although he doesn't commit to an answer right away. While he's doubtful he is going to feel much like remaining close to Dwalin afterwards, the thought of resting against another warm body is enticing. 

Dwarves were not meant to sleep alone. 

"So you will come to my chambers tonight then?" Dwalin clarifies as he pushes himself to his feet. 

"Yes," Kili whispers, keeping his gaze lowered. He can sense Dwalin lingering though and finally tips his face up to look at him. "Anything else?"

Dwalin's face is uncharacteristically red and he's unable to meet Kili's eyes. Instead, he stares resolutely over Kili's shoulder. "Would you prefer to... open yourself up or have me do it?"

Kili blinks in confusion before the realization of his words slam into his mind and he chokes on his own spit. He sucks in a ragged breath, mortified at his response and more so at the thought of that happening. "I don't know," he replies helplessly because he doesn't even know _how_ to open himself up. He's touched himself for decades now but he's never ventured into that territory. 

He wouldn't know where to begin. 

"I will be gentle," Dwalin says carefully although he _still_ won't look at Kili. "If you would rather to do it yourself, I understand but if you come to me, I will help you."

"Thank you," Kili manages to say, the words strangling his throat. 

Dwalin's presence blissfully fades away after that and Kili is left alone in the library. He thunks his head down on the wooden table and groans. His stomach seizes once more, stealing the breath from his lungs and he digs his nails into the table until he's able to inhale properly once more. He can feel the panic overwhelming him, threatening to drown him so he slams the book shut and runs from the library, fleeing to his chambers where he will be able to lose control in private.

***

It's after the tenth bell at night and Kili is stalling outside of Dwalin's chambers. He had bathed previously, cleaning himself more vigorously than he ever had before in the past. It had been horrible and awful cleaning himself, knowing that somebody - that _Dwalin_ \- was going to be seeing him, touching him in places that nobody else ever had before. He can't lift his hand and knock because then Dwalin will open the door, letting him inside and expecting so much more from Kili than he has to offer. And yet, he has to knock because he doesn't have any other option. They have to do this tonight or the past two weeks will have been a complete waste.

Kili is not willing to drink that potion again. 

He lifts his hand and knocks once on the door, his hand dropping to his side. There's silence on the other end before some rummaging and then finally the door opens, revealing Dwalin who is dressed in his sleep clothes. They're rumpled and he has a crease under his left eye, like he had fallen asleep on the line of a blanket. 

"Were you sleeping?" Kili asks because he's been worrying himself _sick_ this entire day as the evening drew closer and closer and if Dwalin had the audacity to _fall asleep_...

"No," Dwalin says, reaching up to rub at his face. "I was organizing my room. I wasn't sure what we would all need so I tried to be as prepared as possible."

Kili's silent after that because it just reinforces once more why he's here in Dwalin's chambers. He follows the warrior wordlessly to his room and the door closing behind them sound like a battle cry in the silence. The furs on Dwalin's bed are pulled back and there is a jar of oil sitting innocently on the table beside the bed. 

"I don't want any light," Kili finally says because the less Dwalin sees of his body the better. 

"We need some light, but it will be dim in here," Dwalin counters and it's a compromise that Kili can live with. 

"Close your eyes," he instructs because he can't imagine a world where he allows Dwalin to undress him. Instead, he waits until Dwalin has closed his eyes and then he drops his clothes to the floor and crawls into Dwalin's bed. He pulls the covers up over his body to cover his nakedness. "Your turn," he says, staring at the opposite wall. "I won't watch."

Dwalin makes a small noise and then there's rustling before the bed dips and some of the furs are tugged over his way. They are lying naked in bed together and Kili feels like he can't breathe. He is going to let Dwalin access his body, breech his body and it's more than he can handle. He never truly believed this day would come. They've danced around it enough but now it is finally here and _Kili can't breathe_. 

"Take a deep breath through your nose," Dwalin says lowly, his large hand cupping the back of Kili's bare neck and squeezing gently. "In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on, Kili. Breathe for me."

Helplessly, Kili obeys. Slowly and surely, his heart rate begins to calm and the sweat cools from his body. His lungs expand easier with breath and he closes his eyes, mortified once more that he's proven to Dwalin just how young and foolish he really is. He grits his teeth together and forces himself to lay down on his back, spreading his legs slightly. 

"Is this right?" 

"Mahal, no, this isn't right, none of this is," Dwalin huffs, pulling Kili to sit upright again. "Listen, I am going to tell you once more that you don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do. We both know it so can we just please get it over with? I'm not drinking that potion again, Dwalin. I can't, it'll make me sick for sure this time," Kili pleads because the longer they draw this out, the worse it is. 

He knows that he can say no, he's King of Erebor and if he wants to go back to his own chambers right now and say heir be damned, it will be done. However, he's agreed to this course and he _knows_ it's the right one. It's just a difficult path, that's all. 

"I can make this feel good," Dwalin promises, reaching for him once more and his touch is like lightening against the curve of Kili's shoulder. 

"Don't kiss me," Kili blurts out because that's an intimacy he doesn't want to give away yet. He wants to savour that because unlike this, it actually _means_ something. Sex with Dwalin is a means to an end, kissing Dwalin is something altogether separate and right now, he doesn't want to blur those lines. 

"Okay," Dwalin says after a pause and if Kili didn't know any better, he would swear that was disappointment in his voice. 

"That's my only rule," Kili says quietly. "Whatever else you need to do, you can."

"Okay," Dwalin repeats. "I'm going to touch you now."

Kili braces himself but the only touching Dwalin does is rubbing his shoulders and back. He prompts Kili to lay on his stomach and he kneels beside him, spreading the oil over his skin and he massages the skin gently. It feels wonderful, Kili would be a fool to claim otherwise. It's relaxing and he can feel the tension slowly leaving his body, leaving him boneless against the softness of Dwalin's mattress. 

Dwalin's hand sweeps down to his lower back briefly before moving back up to his shoulders, kneading and squeezing. He repeats the motion several times before his hands remain on Kili's lower back and even move lower, grazing over the swell of Kili's rear. He tenses but Dwalin simply moves his hands up and continues to massage, relaxing him inch by inch again. 

Eventually, when Kili feels completely boneless and has almost forgotten why he's here, Dwalin has him roll over. He does so, but Kili reaches for the furs and pull them to his waist, protecting his modesty. Dwalin says nothing regarding it, instead he just pours a little bit more oil into his hands and he lays his palms flat against Kili's chest, rubbing the muscles there. It feels amazing, if Kili is honest. In fact, it feels _too_ amazing and it's been _too_ long since somebody has touched him because to his completely horrification, he realizes that he's growing hard under the blankets. 

"Dwalin," he says and he means to say it as a command to stop and give him some space so he can bring himself under control but it comes out as a breathy moan. Dwalin's hands tighten against his skin, dipping lower until he's massaging Kili's belly. It feels much like his sessions with Oin did so he relaxes once more. 

He closes his eyes and allows himself to be carried away by the soothing sensations. The oil smells rich to his nostrils, almost like lavender but without the overwhelming, cloying scent it usually carries. Without warning, his legs fall open on their own accord and that's when Dwalin moves. He keeps one hand pressed firmly against Kili's chest, right over his heartbeat, while his other hand suddenly dips under the furs and wraps around Kili's cock that has become almost completely erect by now. 

"Dwalin!" Kili gasps because he had not expected for Dwalin to touch him there, nor had he expected it to feel quite so good. It feels wrong, still, and his stomach churns nervously but his body is beginning to slowly take over, blocking his mind. All he can focus on now is the enjoyable feel of Dwalin's slippery hand sliding up and down his shaft, squeezing gently at the head, his thumb catching over the slit every time. 

"I've got you," Dwalin murmurs gruffly. "I told you, I can make this feel good for you."

Kili doesn't bother to answer him because Dwalin's hand is moving surely and steadily under the blankets. He knows exactly what to do and Kili is writhing against the sheets before he knows it. It's been too long since he has been intimate with himself and he has never experienced another's hand on him before. 

"You can't - I'm not - " he pants. 

"Let go," Dwalin encourages, leaning down and he presses his lips against the thudding pulse in Kili's neck. 

Kili doesn't need his permission but now that he's been granted it, it's very easy to just clench his eyes shut and let his body handle the rest. He's arching like a bow strung tightly when Dwalin sucks a hard mark into his skin and that's when he comes, spurting over Dwalin's hand and all over his belly. 

It's embarrassing and mortifying and Kili rolls away to get away from Dwalin, ashamed of himself for losing control so quickly. He can't be won with a hand on his cock, he has more dignity than that. 

"Don't be uncomfortable," Dwalin says, reaching for him and he gently slides his hand over Kili's hip. "That's what I wanted to happen. You'll enjoy the next part a lot more if you're already relaxed."

"I'm sorry," Kili says because he is so new to this and so scared that he is going to do something wrong. 

"Don't apologize," Dwalin says, coaxing him to come closer and he encourages Kili to lay on his stomach once more. "This will be a lot more comfortable for your first time like this," he explains as he dips his fingers into the oil once more. "I'm going to touch you now, Kili. Is that all right?"

Kili forces himself not to clench shut. Screwing his eyes shut, he nods his head. "Yes," he whispers because he knows Dwalin won't proceed without verbal confirmation. 

Dwalin's hand skims down his back, slipping through the crevice and while it feels uncomfortable, there's a small part of him that wants to spread his legs and present himself to Dwalin, to submit himself. He bites his lip hard to banish those thoughts. Dwalin's fingers pry gently until they are circling the most private place Kili has and that nobody, not even himself, has ever accessed before. 

It's difficult to think of Council meetings to distract himself but Kili does it anyway because otherwise, he feels like he will _beg_ for Dwalin to never stop touching him and that's not how he feels at all. However, Dwalin is finally three fingers deep and Kili feels like he is about to explode. He needs _something_ , he has a vague idea of what exactly, but he's not about to come out and say it. He still has his pride. 

"Oh Mahal, Dwalin, please," is what he says instead and apparently his pride has left him as well. "Do... _something_ ," he pleads. 

"I will," Dwalin promises, reaching for the oil once more and he slicks himself up. There's a look in his eye that Kili can't quite comprehend but the moment their eyes meet, he snaps his head away anyway. He can't bear to look at him during this. 

"What's going to happen next?" Kili wonders, because he likes to be kept informed so he has a sense on how to brace himself. At this point, though, he's almost so far gone that he's willing to accept _anything_ , as long as it brings him relief. There's an itch buzzing inside of him and he desperately, _desperately_ needs it scratched. He's hard, so quickly again, and he hadn't expected that. 

"We're going to make this heir for once and for all," Dwalin says, his voice tight in his throat. 

There's a moment of something nudging at him and then white hot pain. Kili swears loudly and scrambles on the bed, freezing when he feels Dwalin clamp his hand around the back of his neck and hold him down. 

"Don't move," Dwalin grounds out and that's when Kili realizes that it's _him_ , that feeling is Dwalin pushing himself inside of Kili. 

Kili whimpers. 

"I know, Kili, I know," Dwalin huffs out a breath through his nose. "However, if you move, that will make it more painful. Let me go slowly and I promise this will all be over soon."

Kili doesn't know if he's relieved or disappointed by that. 

Inch by inch, Dwalin sinks inside of him until he finally bottoms out and holds still. He gives Kili's body time to adjust to him before he slowly begins to move, covering Kili's back like his own personal blanket. Everything is hot surrounding him, he feels like he's burning up from the inside out and he can't stop making noises. They seem to spur Dwalin on, though, and he's not exactly quiet himself. The headboard rattles above them but Kili doesn't have the pride to care anymore. 

He's rutting against the blankets, trying to get as much contact as he can against his cock. He wishes he could reach under and get himself off but he's holding himself up from the onslaught of Dwalin's weight. Dwalin, however, always seems to know lately what it is he needs because he reaches with one hand and jerks Kili off in four embarrassing short strokes. 

Dwalin pushes his head down until Kili is almost choking on the pillow and Dwalin thrusts harder inside of him. His beard rubs against Kili's shoulder and the back of his neck, marking him. Dwalin clamps his mouth over the skin and sucks hard as he moves deeper. There's a jolt of energy as Dwalin suddenly strikes something inside of him and Kili involuntarily squeezes himself around Dwalin's cock. 

Dwalin tenses and grunts, his hands digging in hard against Kili's skin and he knows that come morning, there will be bruises. There's the odd sensation of hot liquid inside of him, and that's when he realizes that Dwalin is coming, that this is it, they're finally making their heir. 

"Thank Mahal," Kili breathes out loud because he's lived through this ordeal. It wasn't as awful as he had imagined it would be, he had even experienced some pleasure out of it and now they could hopefully put this whole business behind them. 

Dwalin pulls out of him and Kili immediately feels a sensation of loss. It's completely absurd though so he rolls out of the way and pulls the furs over his body. Dwalin has collapsed now where Kili had previously been, his eyes shut. He'll let Kili stay, if he wants to, but it's already going to be awkward enough in the daylight. Kili doesn't need to make it any worse by staying here. 

He slips from the bed and begins to dress quickly. "I'm going back to my chambers," he says quietly. "I will let you know of any developments."

Dwalin blinks awake and pushes himself into a sitting position, the blankets pooling down over his thighs and Kili looks away from the softening member. "Are you sure?" Dwalin says and his voice is gravel rough. "You're welcome to stay the night."

"I'm leaving," he says, hurrying from the bedroom.

It hurts to walk and the sooner he can crawl into his own bed and relax. The halls are empty as he cracks Dwalin's doors open and peers outside. He slips soundlessly from the chambers and closes the doors behind himself, limping down the hallway to where his own royal chambers are. He locks the door firmly behind himself and strips once more. He crawls into his bed, determined to have a long, hot bath in the morning to clean up and alleviate some of the pain he's feeling. Right now, though, he desperately needs to sleep. 

He prays that his dreams are not filled with memories of tonight and how Dwalin had whispered his name like a prayer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

When Dwalin wakes, the sheets around him still smell of sex. If he's honest, he would keep them on the bed for the rest of time so he could remember every night what it had felt like to be inside of Kili. Instead, he stands and strips the bed bare, leaving everything in a ball on the floor so it can be properly laundered. He dresses, ignoring his body that is interested in perhaps a repeat and leaves his room before he can betray himself. 

He goes to Balin's room, who is dining with Oin and they both look expectantly up at him. He will be expected to share details of last night because they are the Royal Advisor and the Royal Healer. They are essential in ensuring this heir business goes as smoothly as possible but Dwalin doesn't want to share _anything_. He doesn't want to admit that Kili had been so responsive under his touch, that Kili had been so hot and tight around him. 

That for a brief moment, Dwalin had believed that Kili felt something for him. 

But when it was all finished, he had fled as soon as he could, the sweat not even cooled on his body. It had been crystal clear then that regardless of how Kili had responded to him in the heat of the moment, he was not willing for anything more. He had left Dwalin alone, curled up on the soiled sheets and touching himself desperately twice more, wishing that his bright-eyed raven had not left. 

_Enough_ , he tells himself firmly. He is a grown warrior who sacrificed much for an arranged, strategic marriage. He is not about to become a love-sick dwarf and forget everything that he holds dear just because he bedded a dwarf that _hates_ him.

"Morning, brother," Balin says and damn him for the twinkle in his eye. 

Dwalin is not in the mood to be tested today. "Morning," he says shortly, dropping down into a chair and he shovels food on to his plate. 

"You look tired," Balin continues and that's definitely a little smile tugging in the corner of his mouth. "I imagine a hearty breakfast is just what you need. Will Kili be joining us?"

"No," Dwalin growls out and raises his gaze to meet Balin's eyes. "You will cease your mockery this instant. Do not be crude towards him."

"How did it go?" Oin interrupts them, probably sensing exactly how the conversation between the brothers will go. "I ask out of necessity." 

"It went fine," Dwalin says. "When will we find out if it's worked?"

"It will be at least a month before he will begin to feel some physical symptoms, should there be a babe," Oin explains carefully. "This month is crucial, though. He must not go on hunting parties or do anything that would be too strenuous."

"I will tell him," Dwalin says. "So in a month we will know?"

"In a month we should suspect," Oin clarifies. "We will not know for sure until he is closer to three or four months, depending on the strength of the babe. After that I will be able to tell because his stomach should be growing hard." 

"So come summer, if we're blessed, we should have an heir," Dwalin says hollowly and his chest clenches at the thought. 

"Yes, should everything go smoothly, you will be a proud parent by Summer's Eve," Oin says with a small smile. "It will be well, Dwalin. Kili is young, he has a lot of advantages on his side."

"Thank you for your help, Oin," Dwalin murmurs because they're fortunate to have a healer among them that's from the Company. He only prays that Oin's health remains strong for years to come, he has a feeling they are going to need him more than ever. 

"Don't thank me, it's no trouble. This is all for Erebor, is it not?" Oin says and there's a shine in his eye. "We have all lost so much for this mountain. It will be beautiful to see us so richly rewarded with a healthy babe."

"Imagine the celebrations," Balin says, nodding his head. "Kili is a beloved king, there are few who still doubt him but he is mostly loved by all. Should he give Erebor a Durin heir, though... I would think none would dare to challenge him. He will have proven his worth, first in battle and now in childbirth."

Dwalin swallows hard and nods his head, for that has been the purpose all along, regardless of how he feels. 

He leaves shortly after eating, going down to the armory to where the training grounds are. There's discomfort tight under his skin and he knows sparring is the only way to relieve it. He finds Nori down there, though, lazily jerking off another dwarf. He doesn't love Nori, not even close, but it hurts all the same because it seems that Dwalin is always suited to loneliness. 

"Dwalin," Nori says, pulling away and his lips are red and spit slicked. 

He wonders how Kili would look after hours of kissing. 

"Didn't mean to interrupt," he says, walking out of the room. He's not surprised when Nori suddenly falls in step with him. "You shouldn't."

"Shouldn't what? Walk with an old friend?" Nori laughs and bumps their shoulders together like they've been through absolutely nothing together. 

"You should return to your dwarf, Nori. Find love where you can," Dwalin encourages because he doesn't want anyone else to suffer the way he is. When did he fall in love with Kili? For that's what has happened, he recognizes it now. He is truly in love with Kili and to have him so near and yet out of reach is a physical ache. 

"There's no love there, just a bit of friendship," Nori says and his face is suddenly drawn in seriousness. "I heard that you and Kili are attempting for an heir."

"Where did you hear that?" Dwalin growls because he doesn't like to think there are those within palace that would speak so privately of Kili. "And I told you that we were going to."

"You didn't tell me that it would be so soon," Nori shrugs his shoulders. "Not that it matters to me. In fact, I think it's a good thing. If you're able to get an heir quickly, surely the whole threat of Dain will go away?"

"That's the goal," Dwalin says, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, are you upset?"

"Why would I be upset? I told you, Dwalin. I don't love you," Nori stops walking and turns to look up at Dwalin. "I want you to be happy. Do I think Kili is capable of that? Probably not, but I wish him well, I truly do."

"I'm in love," Dwalin says because he can't confide in Balin and since he has become Consort, his circle of friends have narrowed down to Nori. "I don't know how it happened but it has. I want him to love me."

"I don't know if he is capable of love," Nori says cynically and Dwalin think it means something that Nori isn't surprised over Dwalin's feelings. "He's a brat."

"Careful," Dwalin warns because while he never tolerated negative speech towards Kili in the past out of duty, now it's out of love and he has a feeling that's a whole lot stronger. "He was hurting. He still is."

"Because he has to sleep with one of the strongest, handsomest dwarves," Nori drawls, rolling his eyes. "I won't apologize for not feeling sympathy towards him. He doesn't realize how good he has it."

"He lost Fili," Dwalin says, ignoring how the tip of his ears heat up. How much would he blush if it was Kili complimenting him? "He lost the majority of his family and gained a throne, something he was woefully unprepared for. Feel sympathy for him, Nori. You have enough to spare."

"Perhaps," Nori acquiesces grudgingly. "I still don't like him, though. Never liked either of them."

"They're good boys," Dwalin says before he remembers that it's just one boy now that's been left in his care. "Fili was hard on Ori but your brother loved every single moment of it. Don't hold that against Fili's memory. And don't let Dori put anything into your head either."

"Dori's got his reasons," Nori says stubbornly. 

Dwalin rolls his eyes and leaves it because there's no point in arguing. Dori has never cared for the royal family, despite his loyalty to Erebor. Dwalin's never been exactly sure of the reason. Thorin knew it but would never divulge it because he said it didn't matter. Unless Dori suddenly speaks, Dwalin thinks the whole affair will go to the stone. 

"You're in love, then," Nori says and huffs out a breath of surprised laughter. "I have to admit, I saw this coming."

"That's impossible," Dwalin says dismissively because even _he_ hadn't seen it coming. 

"You've been his instructor for years and now you've become his protector. You're prone to defending those who can't defend themselves and I would say Kili after the battle very much could not defend himself," Nori says very quietly. "He is helpless and there is something about that that calls to you. It's why you and I would have never truly worked because I am much too self-sufficient."

"Do you know what it feels like to be in love with someone who hates you?"

"He doesn't hate you," Nori says and he sounds so confident that Dwalin desperately wants to believe him. "Not by a long shot, trust me. I've seen the way he looks at you."

"He doesn't look at me like anything," Dwalin says firmly because he's not about to start entertaining any ideas. He knows exactly how Kili feels towards him, he's made it achingly clear.

"Believe whatever you want, it matters not to me," Nori replies. "I hope for your sake though that you were successful and there's a babe in his belly."

Dwalin shivers at his words. Thinking about an heir for months now has weighed heavily on his shoulders but now that there is the actual possibility that Kili could be pregnant, he's having a hard time wrapping his mind around it. He automatically feels more protective and he hates that he hasn't seen Kili yet today, he wants to know exactly how he is. He's going to have to work hard on keeping his distance because otherwise he will be overbearing and drive Kili even further away. 

"Matter of time," he says instead. "We will know in roughly a month, provided he begins to feel some symptoms."

"That's good... isn't it?" Nori says, stepping back as a handful of young dwarves suddenly thunder down the stone steps and brush past them, excitedly talking about their training. They all fall silent at the sight of Dwalin, Consort and Captain of the Guard. 

"It is," Dwalin says with a smile on his face. He would say it was for the trainees if he was pressed but deep in his heart, he knows it wasn't at all. It's for Kili, he saves all his smiles for Kili.

***

He doesn't see Kili for another three days after everything. He's tried, multiple times per day to track him down, but somehow Kili always manages to evade him. To Dwalin’s displeasure, the next time he sees him is at Council. Dwalin is the last one inside the room, per usual, and he stops short when he sees Kili sitting in his regular chair, his head tipped down as he reads documents. His long dark hair acts as a curtain, hiding his facial features and he hasn't seen Dwalin yet. It gives him a moment to just drink in the sight of him, composing himself before he moves and sits down beside him.

Kili starts and nudges his chair away, not even greeting him. It stings more than he'll admit. 

"Good morning," Dwalin whispers hesitantly, his eyes scanning the table and of course, all eyes are on them. It doesn't matter that it's almost been two years since their marriage. They're still court gossip and it's oddly enough the older dwarves that are the most invested in discussing their lives. 

He can sense Kili tensing up beside him but to his credit, he does turn his head and greet him quietly. 

"How are you feeling?" Dwalin asks, desperate to not push him too much but he needs to satisfy his own curiosity so much. 

"Fine," Kili replies before he must see the look in Dwalin's eye and sighs, his mouth tightening. "I feel like normal so far."

"Are you sore?" The words have left Dwalin's mouth before he's able to catch them and the back of his neck feels hot. 

Kili's face turns equally red and averts his gaze. "Not anymore," he says, hesitating and digging his thumb into the table. "I was, though. The first night."

"A hot bath usually helps with that," Dwalin says, trying to ignore the satisfaction that is strumming throughout his body. He's pleased to know that he brought Kili so much pleasure that his body was wrought out and sore. 

"I had one in the morning," Kili says. 

"Are we ready to begin?" It's Balin interrupting them and while Dwalin hates his brother for it because Kili is finally speaking to him, it's probably best that they don't have this discussion in front of all the Council members. 

"Can we meet afterwards?" Dwalin whispers, nudging a bit closer to Kili. "Can we speak privately?"

"As long as all we do is speak," Kili says suspiciously and Dwalin is laughing before he even means to. 

"How many times do I have to say you don't have to do anything you don't want to before you believe me?" He says before he straightens up in his seat, ignoring the glare from Balin and the slight chuckles from the fellow Council members. They haven't heard what he said but it's clear neither he nor Kili are interested in this meeting today.

"Like I said, we're going to begin if the pair of you are ready," Balin huffs out in frustration. 

Dwalin poorly hides a smile and nods his head. "Of course, brother," he says, leaning back in his seat. "Please, begin."

"Thank you," Balin says before he launches into a financial report regarding the status of the treasury and how they've begun to prepare for winter. They will be able to sustain themselves better this year but there will still be dealings with Bard and with Mirkwood, although less than it was last winter. Once that's completed, he turns to Dwalin and asks for an update on the Guard. 

"After much consideration, along with trial and error, I am pleased to say that we have an Archery Guard," Dwalin says, aiming a pleased smile over Kili's way, but Kili doesn't look up. "It took some time, but we were prepared for that. I've found a solid group of dwarves though that have a knack for the bow. Most of them are young, but I'm satisfied. They're going to be an excellent asset."

"I have to admit, I thought the plan was flawed," Gloin says and Dwalin has to stop himself from rolling his eyes because Gloin had been _outraged_ over the entire idea. "But Gimli tells me he's been practicing with the bow and while he still favors his axe, it's another skill he's added and isn't that what we want? Our boys should have as much knowledge as possible for battle. Every advantage we can grant them, we should."

"Say one is in battle and his weapon is knocked from his hands," Terin, who had also been against the idea, speaks up. "The young dwarf glances left and right and the only defense he has is a deserted bow, its elf owner already dead. That bow could mean the difference between life and death."

"It's a wise investment, you will get no argument from me," Balin says. "The trade with Mirkwood for the bows have gone well. It has strengthened our relationship with them. I know it is in our nature to distrust elves, but it is not in our King's."

Dwalin's heart clenches at that because no, it's not in Kili's nature to distrust an elf. 

The rest of the Council meeting goes by quickly and before long, the dwarves are filing out of the room. Kili lingers behind, speaking with Bain and there's an earnest look on his face. He makes grand motions with his hands and it tugs at Dwalin's heartstrings to see it. He has come so far in just under two years and Dwalin is so proud of him. They all seem to respect him in Council now and he's proven that he's a capable of King. 

Thorin would be so proud. 

The thought of his old friend is a sobering one, an almost physical ache in Dwalin's chest. What would Thorin truly think of his union with Kili? Would he understand why he had done it? Would he have approved of an heir, despite Kili's reluctance? Dwalin would like think that he would because Thorin was always aware of the demands of the throne. They came before anything else, often at the expense of his family. Thorin lived and breathed for Erebor, to be King Under the Mountain and he suspects that somewhere in Mahal's Halls, Thorin is happy for Dwalin and Kili. 

He would like to think so, anyway. 

A light touch his elbow pulls him from his thoughts and he turns to see that Kili's the only left in the room. The moment their eyes meet though, Kili's hand drops away and he takes a step back. 

"You wanted to talk?"

_Yes, and so much more_ , Dwalin thinks desperately. 

"I just thought we should perhaps discuss last night," he says carefully because he doesn't want to upset Kili in any way. "You left before I could ask how you were."

"Fine," Kili says and his cheeks are pink. "I'm fine. We don't need to discuss this again. It's over with now."

"Of course," Dwalin says, ignoring the way his chest clenches at that. "I did just want to ensure that you have not torn and are pain free."

"I'm _fine_ ," Kili says again, a little angry this time, and Dwalin knows that it's time to back off. 

"All right," he says, holding his hands up in surrender. "I mean no harm, Kili. Your safety is truly my only concern."

"There are plenty of other matters that could use your attention more than I," Kili says, but his tone lacks the biting edge it held previously. "I will inform you of any changes."

He does not give Dwalin time to protest or respond, instead he turns and strides out of the Council room. Dwalin hurries to the doorway and watches as he takes a quick left, disappearing down the small, long staircase that leads down to the tombs. It must mean something since Kili has studiously avoided the tombs but Dwalin will not bother him. Kili is entitled to his time with his brother, it's most likely the only refuge he has these days and Dwalin would be loathed to take it away from him. 

With a heavy sigh, Dwalin turns and begins to trudge his way back to his lonely chambers.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back and inspired! No more lengthy waits between updates for those that are still interested in this story. I have the next six chapters written and am hoping to finish writing the last couple of chapters shortly. Ideally, I'd like to get back to posting a chapter (or two) a week.

It happens one morning without warning. 

One moment, Kili’s curled under his furs, floating in-between sleep and consciousness and the next, he’s scrambling out of his bed in desperation. His legs give out underneath him and he collapses on to the floor, his stomach heaving as he throws up all over the rug. His stomach cramps even more tightly, piercing like a sword, and he wretches again. A thin dribble of searing bile trickles out of the corner of his mouth as his innards seize once more. 

He stares down at the mess he has made and his vision begins to swim. Hot tears drip off the end of his nose as he realizes what is actually happening. 

Oin had warned him of this, he had explained that if Kili was with child he would feel sick after a month or so. It's been exactly three weeks and five days since he's been with Dwalin and apparently, right on track with his... pregnancy. It's still an odd thought that there will be actual life growing underneath his skin, that he will be responsible for something so fragile. 

Hope blooms sharply in his chest and he hopes the baby looks like Fili. 

Shaking his head, he pulls his mind away from those dangerous thoughts because he can't afford to grow attached. There are too many issues yet that could happen. He is not guaranteed to have an heir just yet. And with the way Dwalin has been so over-protective of late, Kili knows that it's vital Dwalin doesn't find out until Oin can confirm it. 

Somehow, Kili will have to hide his sickness for a few months, but given that he doesn't share rooms with Dwalin, it should be manageable. 

The sight of it on the stone floor makes his stomach roil again. He cleans the mess up though because this isn't something he wants discussed among the staff. Majority of dwarves within Erebor, nobles and servants alike, are aware that there will be eventually an heir from Kili. There's little need to begin that round of court gossip until it's absolutely necessary. He knows that some dwarves find his life highly interesting, since his romance with Dwalin had been so secretive and therefore, there are plenty of rumors and theories abound. Balin does a good job of either refuting them or bringing them to Kili's attention, but it's something he knows is inevitable. 

There were always rumors about Thorin too.

Waves of sickness wash over him again, distracting him from his thoughts but this time he's able to make it to the stone basin and he kneels against it, hurling until he's sure he can taste blood. If this is what he has to look forward to for another couple of months, he wishes someone would put him out of his misery right now. 

He draws a cool bath since he already feels so overheated and sinks into it gratefully. He's just drifted under the water, submerging completely when he feels the familiar roll in his stomach and he's throwing up everywhere once more. He drains and cleans the tub and crawls back into bed completely naked because he can tell that this day is already going to be non-productive. 

He's supposed to be meeting with Balin to sign documents, lunch with Ori to discuss the quest since Ori is finishing up his epic and he wants Kili's perspective on events he's missed. He's got tea with his mother and Bilbo at two and then he's supposed to be in the throne room and granting requests from the nobles. He doesn't have time to be so sick. 

Sometime between debating on whether or not he will throw up again, he falls asleep and wakes only when Balin is gently touching his shoulder, his white brows furrowed in concern. 

"Are you all right?" He asks.

He swims into focus as Kili blinks the last of the cobwebs out of his eyes. He feels like he's going to throw up again, but he doesn't want to do so in front of Balin so he forces himself to swallow it down. "What time is it?" He asks, his voice raspy. 

"It's almost noon," Balin says, putting the back of his hand against Kili's forehead. "I think I should send for Oin."

"No!" Kili says quickly because Oin is no fool. He will not believe that Kili is just briefly ill. He will know exactly what is happening and tell Dwalin. "I'm fine, I was just up very late reviewing some documents for Bain."

"Are you sure? If you're ill, Oin should be fetched. Your health is not something we take lightly, especially since you're trying to conceive an heir. Unless this is related?"

Sometimes Kili hates how smart Balin is, but he also knows that Balin tends to take Kili at his word since he has rarely lied to him. "No, not related," he says, the falsehood tasting acidic on his tongue. "I honestly just stayed up far later than I should have."

"Then I'll step out and allow you to dress," Balin says with a cheery smile. "I have a suspicion we will be arguing over some of these documents before you sign them. I'll call for tea."

"Wonderful," Kili croaks. He waits until Balin has left his bedroom before he hurries from the bed and dashes into the bathroom, emptying the remaining contents of his stomach into the basin once more. He winces and cups his hand over his stomach, pressing lightly against it. He wishes it didn't hurt so bad. 

He dresses and brushes his teeth thoroughly before he meets Balin in his outer chambers and sits down on the couch, reaching for the stack of papers on the table. He begins to flip through them and although he knows there are points he's willing to argue, his head feels very fuzzy and he knows Ori will be arriving soon. He grabs his pen and begins to steady sign his signature on each line. 

"Are you sure?" Balin says, frowning once more. "Kili, lad, we should be discussing these. I know the Weaver Treaty is something you'll especially argue against, they're asking for a large cut."

"Let them have it," Kili says, beginning to sign faster and sloppier. "I don't care."

"You're ill," Balin says flatly. "Why else would you behaving like this?"

"I'm late, that's why," Kili says, scribbling on the last paper and he tosses it back into the stack. "I'm meeting Ori for lunch. I trust you're satisfied."

"Not by a long shot," Balin says, gathering the papers up and he slides them into his satchel, locking it carefully. "Please go see Oin."

"I'm fine," Kili says once more, pushing himself to his feet and he ushers Balin out of his chambers, just as Ori is turning the hallway and heading towards him. 

He lingers in his doorway to wait for him and gives him a hug once he's close enough. Unlike Balin, Ori is clueless to the situation and has no idea that he should be pressing Kili to be honest to his healer. He will accept that Kili is tired and that's why he's acting so differently. He might even accept that the food has made him ill and tuck him into bed, playing with his hair sympathetically. 

"Hello to you as well," Ori says with a smile, breaking apart and he moves to sit down on the couch. "Is lunch on its way?"

"Yes," Kili says, sitting down across from him and he regrets the menu. He had thought that stew and warm bread would be a good idea but now he wishes he had had the foresight to order a broth soup, something that would be gentle on his roiling stomach. 

"How have you been?" Ori asks, pushing his long sleeves up. "Did you know that the Weavers are threatening mutiny if they're not granted their wage increases?"

That must be what Balin had meant then. Kili distantly wonders just how much he promised them before deciding he doesn't care. They need Weavers so if it's going to cost the Crown a bit more, then he's able to live with that. 

"I heard," he says, shrugging his shoulders. "I already signed off on the document agreeing to their demands. I'm not about to start another war over bloody wages."

"Kili," Ori frowns slightly at that. "There's a lot more at stake than just wages here. If the Miners find out that the Weavers have been given such a significant increase, don't you think they're going to demand the same? And if the Miners are receiving such benefits, the Scouts and the Army are going to want it as well. We cannot afford to give everyone such a large increase."

"Well, it's done now," Kili says defensively, his hand dropping to rest against his stomach. He can't begin to think about something as tiny as wage negotiations when there is a small life underneath his skin. 

"Balin must be angry with you," Ori says, leaning back in his seat and he looks so impressed with Kili for a moment. "I suppose you're King though, there's not much he can do."

"Well, I don't want mutiny," Kili says because he can't admit the real reason why he signed them. Balin already suspects too much, he doesn't need Ori conspiring with him. 

"They wouldn't actually do mutiny," Ori says dismissively. "Most dwarves actually respect you as king, from what Nori has told me."

 _Nori._

Kili's stomach clenches at the name. He hadn't grown angry when Dwalin had admitted the truth, but that's because his fear had been greater than his rage. His fear is still present, almost more so now that he is pregnant. There’s room for his wrath now. Perhaps it's also easier to be angry because he's afraid - as much as he dislikes him at times, he will need Dwalin to survive this and Nori is a complication. He doesn't want Dwalin to be running off with anyone now. He might not have cared previously because he had his own discretion but to find out they've been fooling around so recently is unsettling.

Kili doesn't want to spend the next ten months of his life worried that Dwalin is going to run off with Nori. No, Nori is going to have to go. 

Lunch arrives before he's able to inquire about Nori and so he lets it go, deciding that he will confront Nori on his own . He knows that Nori could kill him if he was really so inclined, but Nori has grudging respect for him and so Kili will use that to his advantage. Their lunch goes smoothly, even if Kili only eats half a bowl of rabbit stew and excuses himself mid-meal to go throw it up. Ori leaves shortly after that and Kili follows him into the hallway, finishing up their visit as he makes his way to his mother's rooms. 

Ori disappears around the corner and Kili is about to go into his mother's room when he sees a flash of red. He thinks it's Ori returning for something he's forgotten but he would recognize those braids anywhere. It's Nori, slipping inside of Dwalin's chambers and Kili is suddenly so, so angry. He's been nothing but deathly ill all day and Dwalin is having the time of his life. 

"Kili, hello!" Bilbo says cheerfully, rounding the corner and he touches the door handle to Dis' rooms. "Have you knocked already?"

"Excuse me," Kili grits out, walking away from Bilbo and he slams his way into Dwalin's chambers. He already knows what he's going to find and he's not sure he can handle seeing Dwalin make love to a dwarf, now that he's a bit more familiar with the process. 

However, they're just sitting on opposite couches, Nori carving out of a block of wood and Dwalin whistling cheerfully as he makes note on a long piece of scroll. They both look up at the sound of the door, but Kili's too far gone into the room and too far gone in his anger to back down. They might be innocent now, but they haven't been in the past. 

"I hereby strip you of your title as Spymaster," Kili says , hating the way his voice shakes. "You are dismissed from my service so in turn, you will have to find new accommodations in the lower levels."

"Kili!" Dwalin exclaims, his head jerking up. 

"I will not change my mind," Kili says firmly, glaring at Nori and he clenches his hands into fists. "You are to leave. I don't care that you were on the quest. You are no longer part of my Company. I don't trust you."

"Nor should you," Nori says, baring his teeth and he rises from his seat, the knife still clenched in his hand. 

"You dare threaten me? You swore fealty to me, Nori. Don't think I won't make an example out of you, because I absolutely will," Kili says and even though he's angry and even though he knows he's going about this all wrong, he's never felt more like Thorin's heir. "Don't test my patience, you will regret it. I promise you that."

"Why are you so upset?" Dwalin demands, taking a step towards him. 

Kili quickly backs up, out of reach. He can't handle Dwalin of all dwarves touching him right now. "You heard me. I want you out!"

"I'm not going anywhere," Nori hisses, drawing his shoulders up. "You have no right to dismiss me, I've done nothing wrong."

Kili barks out sharp, hurt laughter because that's a lie, that's a complete lie. He has tried multiple times to seduce Dwalin, a dwarf that would _never_ belong to him because he already belongs to Kili. He fumbles at his side and draws his small sword from its scabbard, brandishing it at Nori. 

"You tried to seduce him," he says, his voice wavering again. "You tried, over and over, even when he said no. You knew you had no right and you did so anyway. Don't tell me that you did nothing wrong." 

"Why do you care?" Nori sneers, and he pulls a longer blade out of his boot. "You don't appreciate him, you don't even _like_ him. Why shouldn't he be with somebody who cares for him? I could bring Dwalin more pleasure than you ever could." 

"That's not true," Kili says, even though it probably is. He doesn't know what to do with Dwalin and he suspects that Nori does. "I care for him."

"Kili, put away your blade," Dwalin says softly, taking a step closer and Kili spins the blade on him. 

"Stay away from me," he orders angrily, pointing a finger in Nori's direction. " _He’s_ got a weapon pointed in _my_ direction and you're going to try to talk to me? Perhaps I should have married somebody who would defend me!"

"What in Mahal's name is going on in here?" Dis says, blazing into the room with a worried looking Bilbo in her wake. At the sight of Kili and Nori both brandishing swords, she swears once more. "Put your weapons away!"

"This doesn't concern you," Kili says, unable to take his eyes away from Nori. "Leave us, Nori and I have business to finish."

"As did Dwalin and I," Nori goads, spinning the handle of his knife in his hand idly. "Of course, there _was_ a conclusion of some sort, but - "

Kili's moved across the room before he's even aware he's moving. He grabs Nori by the collar of his shirt, slamming him back into the stone wall and the crunch he hears is satisfying. He's got the cutting edge against his throat, pressing in deeper, so a thin trickle of blood appears. He senses movement behind him, but snarls loudly, pressing in even harder. 

"You will leave immediately," he says, not even recognizing his own voice. "You will leave this room and you will pack your packs and go. You are not welcome in my mountain any longer, do you hear me?"

"Yes," Nori says and there's a flicker in his voice that makes Kili believe him, that makes him believe that Nori really will leave Erebor and leave them in peace. It's enough that he takes a step back, preparing himself still for Nori to attack, but he doesn't. He pockets his knife back into his boot and walks out of the room, even ignoring Dwalin's call.

"What is the matter with you?" Dis snaps, grabbing the sword from his hand and she tosses it aside. "You cannot lose your temper and _cut_ somebody." 

"This is not your affair," Kili says because he's beginning to realize why his mother bowed to him first when they were reunited, rather than hugging. There are some times when she is not capable of being his mother, she becomes one of his subjects and it is her that must learn to listen to him. 

"You cannot treat him like that!" Dwalin roars, whirling to face Kili. "You are to call him back and apologize! He is a fine Spymaster, don't take that from him. I told you that nothing serious happened!"

"This is not your affair either," Kili says before he realizes the implication of his words and laughs painfully. "I suppose that's what you're trying to say, isn't it?"

"Nothing happened," Dwalin says weakly. "I promised you."

"Nothing happened _this time_ ," Kili says forcefully because he needs to stress that this sort of behaviour is not going to be tolerated, not now that he is carrying their child. "What happens when he tries to seduce you for a third time? How many times will you allow him to proposition you before he wears you down?"

"He wouldn't," Dwalin says, but it's not convincing and Kili knows that he's not the only one in the room who catches that. 

"If I might interrupt," Bilbo says in a small voice, stepping closer and he lays his hand gently on Kili's shoulder. Kili tenses, prepared to shake him off because he cannot handle one more person disagreeing with him. "I believe that Nori needs to leave Erebor for a bit. It's not fair to Kili to have someone continuously attempting to seduce his husband, even if you are married in name only. From what I understand, if he is to conceive a child, then he shouldn't be burdened with unnecessary worries."

There’s silence in the room after Bilbo has spoken. Kili shoots him a grateful look, feeling his muscles slowly unwinding. His stomach still twinges with the odd cramp though and he knows he needs to completely calm down. Oin had warned him that foul moods did not encourage pregnancy and there’s already enough that can go wrong. Kili doesn’t want his anger to be responsible for killing their child. The silence continues to stretch thin until it finally breaks, Dwalin of all dwarves being the one to end it.

"You're right," Dwalin says suddenly, sitting down roughly in his chair and his face is pale. "You're absolutely correct and I'm sorry, Kili. I should have sent him away ages ago so we could have avoided this whole situation."

"I trust him as Spymaster for Erebor," Kili whispers. He doesn't hate Nori, not really. They got along well enough on the quest and he's Ori's brother. Ori, who will probably never speak to him again after this. "But I don't trust him with you, Dwalin."

"I swear to you that nothing has happened and nothing will happen. I wouldn't do that to you, to us," Dwalin says, and his eyes are bright in a way Kili has never seen before. He has a horrible, sinking feeling that Dwalin is about to cry. 

He distantly sees his mother and Bilbo leaving the room, quietly closing the door behind themselves and he's left alone with Dwalin. Dwalin, who is still staring at him like he's precious, like he's valuable. Now would be the time to go sit beside Dwalin, cover his hand with his own and explain to him that he's been sick all day, that he suspects he is pregnant. Dwalin would be so happy and it would take the fight out of their minds. Dwalin would truly believe then it's best if Nori is gone because they're about to be a family. 

It's the perfect time to explain all of that but Kili can't. Not when he doesn't trust Dwalin and not when he's worried that his anger, all of his wrath, has damaged their child for his stomach _still_ continues to pain him. 

"Thank you," he says instead and backs away towards the door. "I'm going to have tea with Bilbo. I'm sorry I interrupted."

"Kili, please, stay," Dwalin says and that's when Kili realizes how little Dwalin actually asks of him. 

"I can't," he says, even though he knows he should. He can't, though, because he fears that he will give in and seek comfort where he doesn't deserve. "We will meet another time. I'm afraid I did something a bit reckless regarding the Weavers Guild. Speak to Balin about it, perhaps he can find a way to get us out of the mess."

"I don't give a damn about the Weavers," Dwalin exclaims, pushing himself to his feet and he suddenly looks so much older than Kili has ever seen him before. "Please, Kili, I need you to stay."

"I can't," Kili says through numb lips and he fumbles behind himself for the handle. "I'm sorry."

He leaves before his heart betrays his mind and he hurries to his mother's room. Her and Bilbo both look up hopefully, but he sees their faces fall when it's just him who enters the room. They had believed that Dwalin would be behind him, that they would finally be a properly bonded, married couple together. 

Foolish them, Kili thinks as he curls up in a chair and gratefully accepts the mug of hot tea that Bilbo hands them. Foolish them to believe that he and Dwalin could have ever made it work, that they – and their child – weren’t doomed from the start.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

Dwalin has always prided himself on being a warrior. 

From a young age he was trained to be strong, taught that weakness would not be tolerated, and, above all, give your enemy nothing. All his life he strived to hide his emotions until they disappeared altogether, leaving a cold soldier in its place. He has become not only a skilled warrior, but a capable killer who can use nothing but his bare hands. There is no room for anything vulnerable in his heart and yet, without any warning, Kili has managed to find a way past all his defenses _without even meaning to_. 

That is what hurts the most. 

It pains him to know that Kili does not love him, but rejection is a tale as old as time. Dwarves love only once and, naturally, heartbreak is inevitable for some. The dwarf you have fallen for may love another and no one will budge from their position. It hurts more, however, to know that Kili has complete power to destroy Dwalin's heart and yet he does not even care. He wants nothing to do with Dwalin. 

He does not love him, he does not hate him. He is indifferent to Dwalin and his heart. 

And yet, Dwalin still loves him. 

Dwalin can pin-point the exact moment he realized he was in love with Kili. He would not be able to say when he fell, but he certainly knows when he recognized that strange, unfamiliar feeling inside. And yet, for as strange as it felt to realize he loved Kili, it felt utterly right. 

They had been hunting on one of their weekly adventures. The wind had been bitter cold that day, blossoming red over Kili's cheeks and destroying his attempts at braids even more. Dwalin had made some off-hand remark about Kili resembling more a wild animal than a strong dwarf king and Kili had laughed. He had laughed, true and bright, teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he tipped his face to the sky. He had looked, and sounded, much like his old self and Dwalin's heart had turned in his chest without warning. 

Yes, Dwalin loves him, loves him fiercely so. 

His rooms are achingly quiet after all the events that had transpired in such a short period. Nori is gone, he doesn't know where. Kili has gone to Dis and Bilbo and Dwalin doesn't feel like he can interrupt that. As Consort, he is of the royal family, but when it really comes down to matters of the heart, Dwalin is not one of them. The Company is divided, he knows their ultimate loyalty is to Kili as their king and Dwalin will not ask any of them to fight his battle.

So, he sits in the silence and he drinks. He drinks to forget the cold, cruel words Kili had shouted and he drinks to desperately, desperately remember what it had felt like to finally hold Kili in his arms. He misses Nori for it had been nice to have a friend, one he could confide in. Not everything that happened with Nori had been right, but ultimately Dwalin felt like he hadn't done anything wrong. At least, not on a large enough scale to get Nori _banished_ from Erebor.

It won't go over well, a king has the authority but must have just reason to dismiss someone from their service without repercussions. Majority of the dwarves of Erebor will not care since the quest has not absolved Nori of his past transgressions, but Dori will certainly care. Dori is a force to be reckoned with when he's truly angry, he's stronger than even Dwalin. And little Ori? He will be devastated. Dwalin will not be the only one to lose a friend , Kili will certainly feel the impact of his decision in his friendship with Ori. 

Tears are dripping down the end of his nose and Dwalin reaches up to wipe them away with the back of his hand. Tears are a show of weakness. It was a mantra that he had been taught often growing up. Fundin had not believed in coddling his children. But certainly Fundin had never experienced this sort of heartbreak either. 

"Brother?" 

Dwalin's head snaps up at the voice because he had been sure he had locked the door but apparently not. Balin is standing in the doorway, his arms filled with pages and pages of documents. He looks like how he does every single day and yet he is staring at Dwalin as if they are strangers. 

"Aye, what can I do for you?" He asks, hating the way his voice cracks. He rubs his face one more time and pushes himself to his feet, proud that he only wobbles a little. He has consumed a sickening amount of alcohol. "It's late."

"It's not, actually," Balin says, wrinkling his nose and he sets his papers down. "It's only late afternoon. You're drunk."

"I'm not," Dwalin assures him but his tongue feels thick in his mouth and the words come out slurred.

"You're also crying," Balin says incredulously and he shuts the door behind him before he moves to sit down beside Dwalin on the couch. "What is the matter?"

Dwalin pauses, swallowing hard as he wills his mouth to cooperate with him. "Kili... banished Nori," he says carefully, staring down at his hands that have killed and his hands that could not have brought Kili comfort and love for he had left right away that one evening. "Nothing happened, but Kili just came in so angry and sent him away."

"You've been dancing a fine line with Nori for years, don't think I haven't noticed it," Balin says sternly. "I'm surprised that it took this long for Kili to become upset about it."

"I don't dance," Dwalin protests belligerently, clenching his hands into fists before he relaxes them. They could be gentle hands, if he tries hard enough. "And I don't know why he is."

"I'm not sure if you're always this daft or if it's the drink that has done it to you," Balin says, rolling his eyes. "You have consummated your marriage, Dwalin. Regardless of how you believe Kili feels, he is showing you that he is feeling possessive."

"It's got to be more than that," Dwalin says, shaking his head but it makes the room spin so he promptly stops. "He doesn't care about me. He never has." 

"I think you are very wrong," Balin says quietly. "Kili is not nearly as secretive as he thinks he is. He has always worn his emotions on his face and this is no different. If he cared not for you, he would not feel threatened by Nori."

"Nori is not a threat," Dwalin says, needing to stress that he is not in love with Nori. He was a bit of a fun, and a good friend, but he would never soothe the need in his heart like Kili would. "Nori is kind to me. Nori understands me."

"Nori is a meddlesome fool ," Balin says tiredly, stroking his hand roughly down his beard. "His reckless behaviour is going to have a serious backlash in this kingdom. I imagine Dori is already on his ways to see you and demand an explanation."

"Nothing happened," Dwalin mutters and to his absolute horror, a fresh wave of tears spill down his tired, creased cheeks. "I apologize. I don't know what is happening."

"You're drunk," Balin repeats, standing up and he pulls Dwalin to his feet. Sometimes it surprises Dwalin just how strong his brother truly is. It's easy to overlook when he spends the majority of his time buried in books, but Balin was also raised by Fundin and was taught to be a warrior. 

"Where are we going?" Dwalin asks, stumbling after Balin. 

"You are going to bed," Balin says, leading Dwalin into his bedroom. His bed has been made up since _that_ particular night, but Dwalin still feels like he can smell sex in the air. It breaks his heart even more. 

"It would have been better," he murmurs as Balin forces him into the bed and drags the furs up over his body, tucking them under his chin like he used to do when they were younger and Dwalin was still small enough to believe in monsters. 

"What would have been better, brother?" 

"To have never had him at all than once and never again," Dwalin says before he begins to cry again .

***

Dwalin does not stir until the morning, rising shortly after the seventh bell. He takes a hot bath and feels more rested than he has since the quest ever began. He dresses in clean clothes, combs his hair carefully and then leaves his chambers. He needs to speak to Dori, he needs to tamp out any fires before they're able to explode out of control. It's early, but Dori has always been an early riser and he answers the door to his home after Dwalin's first knock.

"I figured you would come here," Dori says, stepping back to let him inside. "Although I thought it would be yesterday."

"I was... indisposed, yesterday," Dwalin says, not wanting to admit the truth. He lowers himself down on to a wooden chair and sighs heavily. "It was a long day."

"So it would seem," Dori says, moving to fill up the kettle with water and he sets it over open flame to boil. "You want to share your side of the story? I'm reserving my judgement until then."

Dwalin's always had a bit of grudging respect for Dori. He's particular and fussy, but he's had a damn hard life, losing the majority of his family in Erebor, including his father. He had made it out with his mother, but after the loss of her spouse, she had gone addled in the brain and made poor life choices, choices that resulted in Nori and Ori who had separate fathers. Her promiscuity was frowned upon and she had died one winter while Ori was still a fresh babe. Dori had raised both his brothers, the best he could, and Dwalin knows the difficult situation has hardened Dori in a way that could never be undone. 

"I'm not even sure of my side," Dwalin admits wearily. "I had invited Nori into my rooms to discuss security at a rear door and suddenly Kili was there, furious beyond belief and Nori was banished."

Dori hums thoughtfully as he pulls the kettle off of the fire and makes up two cups of tea. He passes one to Dwalin, sitting down at the table beside him and takes a small sip of his own hot drink before he speaks. "Your marriage has not been conventional by any means, but do you fault Kili for being jealous?"

"I don't believe he was," Dwalin says honestly. "I told him that Nori and I had shared some kisses and he hadn't grown angry then. He accepted it and we had moved on, after I swore it would never happen again. It hadn't , so his anger makes little sense to me."

"Has anything changed in your relationship with Kili since admitting you kissed my brother - which I'm not pleased about, mind you - and yesterday?" Dori asks, his eyes too shrewd for Dwalin's liking. 

_Yes_ , Dwalin thinks because everything has changed since then. He finally knows where he belongs in life and it's at Kili's side, loving and protecting him to the best of his ability. 

"No," he says instead because Kili is angry enough, he doesn't need to find out later on that Dwalin has opened his mouth regarding their private life. Dori is wonderful in many ways, but he's also a terrible gossip. "Has Nori gone? Ori is never going to forgive Kili."

"Nori left last night," Dori says and his mouth pinches into a frown. "Ori is the least of your problems. I spent decades watching my brother narrowly avoid a life sentence in prison. Nori has ruined his life in order to ensure that Ori had a chance for one. Imagine my joy when he was able to turn skills he should have never learned in the first place into something honourable - _Spymaster_. Imagine my fury when I learned that he was stripped of that title and banished from the homeland he helped reclaim for no valid reason."

"Nori's banishment is solely my fault," Dwalin acknowledges because Dori is completely right. Nori has spent years on the run, it is not fair to expect it of him again, not when he fought so hard and so bravely to reclaim Erebor. "I do intend to speak to Kili as soon as I can. I will do my best to have him change his mind, which I do believe he will. Kili is not an unreasonable lad, and he is tender-hearted. He will forgive Nori and bring him home, I am sure of it."

"I should hope so, Dwalin, because Ori and I will leave if he does not," Dori says and it's not a threat. It's simply a promise. "We will join Nori on the roads and head to the Iron Hills and make a home there for ourselves. We will not be split apart again."

"I understand," Dwalin says, setting down his cup of tea and he pushes himself to his feet. "I am sorry for all of this. Your family should not have to pay for my mistakes."

"Make it right, that's all I ask," Dori says, standing up with him. "Should I keep Ori home for a few days or should I allow him to express his own displeasure?"

"Ori is a grown dwarf," Dwalin finally says because while it would be easier for Ori to stay home, perhaps it would be good for Kili to understand that his rash actions hurt others. "Let him make his own decisions."

"Thank you for coming," Dori says and while it could have gone a lot worse than it had, Dwalin still doesn't miss the way Dori shuts the door harder than he needs to behind him. 

He makes his way back to the palace, going to the Royal Apartments. They're silent and he can only imagine where Kili is. Still, he'll try the most obvious place and it's how he finds himself knocking on Kili's door. There's no answer, but it's unlocked so Dwalin slips in quietly. The main rooms are empty, but when he looks into the bedroom, he sees Kili curled up on his bed, his arms clutched tightly around his stomach, lost in slumber. 

It would be so easy to crawl on to the bed, slotting himself carefully against Kili's back. He could share his warmth with him, sliding a hand around him to rest on his stomach, fingers splayed as he wishes desperately for a tiny life dancing beneath his fingertips. It would be so easy to take, but Dwalin refuses to be that dwarf and so he silently withdraws from Kili's rooms altogether, not wanting to disturb him. 

Bilbo is in the hallway when he shuts the door and Dwalin jumps slightly, even though he's done nothing to feel guilty over. From the look on Bilbo's face, he knows it as well, but he's too kind to say anything regarding it. 

"Good morning," Bilbo says instead, pushing his unruly mop of curls out of his eyes. He's not much to look at, in Dwalin's eyes, but there's a certain charm to him all the same and he can understand why Thorin had been so captivated by this tiny hobbit. 

"Good morning, Bilbo," Dwalin says warmly, stepping forward to lean down and give him a brief hug. Bilbo makes a startled noise, but returns the hug all the same, for being affectionate is in his very nature. "I am sorry for yesterday. I regret that you had to be a part of it."

"I was glad to be for it made me truly feel like family," Bilbo says with a small laugh. "Family endures the joys and the hardships, Dwalin. I will not forsake you or Kili because of a difficult situation."

"You're far too kind to us," Dwalin says even though it hasn't been Kili who's undeserving of kindness. It's Dwalin and his weakness of wanting to be loved, even if it's from Nori. 

"I have a lot of hope for the pair of you," Bilbo admits. "I'd like to see you happy, although I would prefer it if you were happy _together_."

"I would like that to," Dwalin admits and he can feel the back of his neck turning red because he is unused to sharing such intimate thoughts with anyone. However, Bilbo is a friend and an ally in this struggle that is his marriage. "I have little hope though. Kili has made his position clear."

"Has he?" Bilbo says mildly, sticking his hands into his vest pockets and he rocks back on his heels. "Personally, I believe that Kili has made nothing clear since nothing is clear to him. He is very confused."

"Confused about what?" Dwalin asks desperately, because he will accept any scrap of hope in this moment, even if it is a lie. 

"You need patience," Bilbo says softly. "Think of how Kili treated you two years ago to how he treats you now. I think you will see a difference."

Dwalin thinks of the angry, distant lad he had wed. He thinks of how that had slowly thawed into a tentative truce and then a genuine friendship. How every now and then he would catch Kili's eye and think, _perhaps_. 

"I've never been good at waiting," he admits. 

"That really doesn't surprise me," Bilbo says with a dry laugh. "I don't think you've got much choice this time, though."

There's a click before Dwalin is able to respond and he turns to see Kili emerging from his bedroom. His hair is as hopeless as always, tangled in knots around his face with a braid falling out. He's still wearing the clothes he slept in, so they're rumpled with a light brown stain on the chest. He doesn't look like a king at all. 

He looks like the boy from Ered Luin and Dwalin _loves_ him fiercely so. 

"Dwalin," he says softly, his eyes skittering away from Dwalin's. "May we speak?"

"I'd like nothing more," Dwalin says earnestly, brushing past Bilbo and he follows Kili into his chambers, who closes and locks the doors behind them.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

It’s times like this where Kili feels as though he is drowning. 

He had thought losing Thorin and Fili in one fell swoop would be the worst thing to happen to him. He had thought that becoming King Under the Mountain when he was so unprepared would be the most overwhelming thing he would experience. And yet, both those situations pale in comparison to carrying a child and trying to keep every seam of his life intact. 

He sits down on his couch and shivers hard, despite the roaring fire that crackles merrily in his fireplace. These days, he constantly runs cold, regardless of how much he bundles up. He drags the furs from his bed and he wraps them around himself, burrowing into the warmth they offer. Dwalin sits down across from him, stress and tension creasing his worn face. 

Kili has caused him much pain and he regrets it so.

“I was not myself yesterday,” Kili says, because it’s the closest he can get to an apology. While he may have acted rashly towards Nori, he won’t be sorry for being possessive over Dwalin. Dwalin is not only his husband and Consort, but he is the father of Kili’s child, even if he doesn’t know it yet. 

“You weren’t,” Dwalin agrees before his voice softens even more. “Do you think it’s perhaps… hormones?”

Kili bites his lip and shakes his head. “I’m not,” he says without thinking. It’s a lie, it’s not even an omission of truth, but an actual lie and the gulf between them widens even more. 

“It’s still early yet,” Dwalin says hopefully . 

“It didn’t work,” Kili says, because if he is feeling so possessive of Dwalin for a mere night, how will Dwalin react in turn when he discovers that Kili is carrying his child and their heir? He will be overbearing and Kili already cannot handle him. Surely having a few months of reprieve will be okay, he can always tell Dwalin later. 

Dwalin’s face falls in a crest of disappointment and he sighs heavily. “Okay,” he says, gripping his hands together. “I am sorry to hear that, sorry indeed. I was hoping to spare you such an ordeal twice.”

“We will try again in the new year,” Kili says, because he will have told Dwalin by then and this lie will have never really mattered at all. 

There’s silence between them before Dwalin wipes his hand across his eyes and sits up straighter. “I spoke to Dori,” he says and Kili ignores how red-rimmed his eyes are. He hates to know he’s caused Dwalin such pain, but he would hate to be controlled as well. “He’s upset.”

“I imagine he is,” Kili says, digging his thumbnail into the meat of his palm. “Is he angry with me?”

“Not quite so, I think he knows that Nori hasn’t always been well behaved in the past and he will not fault you for protecting what’s yours .”

“Or what people think is mine,” Kili says, because Dwalin’s not his, not really. 

“Aye, what people think,” Dwalin agrees and his tone gets tighter. “However, he will not see his family split apart again. If Nori is not returned to Erebor, then Dori and Ori will both follow him to where ever he goes.”

Kili flinches at that because Ori is one of his best friends, one of his few remaining connections to the memory of Fili. For Ori to leave Kili, to leave where Fili rests, he must be upset indeed. Kili does not fault him for a brother’s love is one that can’t be explained. He had banished Nori in a moment of fury, in a moment of weakness where he had felt protective over something that did not need his protection. It was a mistake and one Kili needs to set right.

“I don’t wish to see anyone leave Erebor, not even Nori,” he says carefully, tightening the furs around his shoulders. “I was just… so angry for a moment, that he would dare to enter your chambers as if you were just a dwarf that he loved, and not my Consort.”

“He will not enter my chambers again, then,” Dwalin says, and he reaches out to lay his hand against Kili’s knee. Even through the furs his touch is hot . “I will not even speak to him, if that is what you desire. Anything I do will be for _your_ comfort.”

“I desire to be friends with Nori again,” Kili says, his hand fumbling through the blankets until he’s able to pull it free and curl his fingers around Dwalin’s. He will overthink the action later, but right now it grounds him in a way that nothing else can. “I miss him. I miss trusting him, the entire company, really. I hate that I fear they’ll betray me.”

“They won’t,” Dwalin says firmly. “I’ll vouch for every single one of them, especially Nori. You are his King and he is respectful of that.” 

“He drew a blade on me,” Kili reminds him. 

“You drew one first,” Dwalin says gently, tightening his grip on Kili’s hand. “It does not excuse Nori’s actions and I imagine he regrets them right now. He would lay down his life for you, though.”

“Does he love you,” Kili asks, his hand tremoring. “In all your talks and dalliances with him, does he love you?”

“No,” Dwalin says with a shake of his head. “I have asked him directly and each time he has told me no. I believe him.”

Kili nods his head, digesting the information slowly. It is comforting to know that Nori does not love Dwalin. As much as Nori is a liar and spins the truth too easily, he is a dwarf and would not lie about the matters of the heart. Very few dwarves can successfully do so. 

Kili is apparently one of them. 

“Do you love him?” He asks, his lips numb, but he forces the words out anyway. “Who do you love, Dwalin?”

“You,” Dwalin says, his voice cracking on the word. “You, it’s only ever been you.” 

Kili abruptly pulls his hand away and pushes himself to his feet, winding the blankets tight against his body. They are a barrier, a protection against Dwalin's eyes who will surely be able to tell, even if he's not showing yet. Dwalin's answer is a surprise , because while Kili will acknowledge that Dwalin cares for him, he would not have said the warrior loved him. Dwalin still handles him so carefully, like he is fragile, like he is a dwarfling that needs help. 

He still treats Kili like he is Dwalin’s own, personal burden to carry. 

"You should go," he finally says, unable to meet Dwalin's gaze. 

"One step forward, two steps back," Dwalin says patiently , pushing himself to his feet. "I won't apologize for my admission."

"No, I doubt you shall," Kili says with a small smile before he looks away again. Dwalin will not love him once he realizes Kili has been keeping the truth from him. And yet, he cannot afford to be honest. Dwalin is already taking over every space in his life, it will be much more worse should he find out. 

He is like a cornered animal, trapped in every sense of the word. The moment Dwalin learns the truth, Kili will not have a moment of peace. Dwalin will insist on being closer. It is hard enough to have him so close as it is, Kili doesn’t quite understand his feelings for the older dwarf yet, it’s stretched out just slightly beyond his reach. 

The moment Dwalin knows, this becomes a reality, a future carved in stone. Kili will have no say on his own life anymore, and likely, neither will his child. His child will be raised their heir, suffering from the same pressures that Fili did as a child. Except his child will not have Ered Luin to play around in, his child will be raised in Erebor and his upbringing will be much stricter than Kili’s ever was. He won’t be just having a baby with Dwalin, he will be having an heir for Erebor. 

It does not matter what he does. He will lose, every single time. 

"What of Nori?" Dwalin says in the doorway. "I ask not for myself, but for you. It will pain you to lose Ori and that will be a result of Nori's banishment, should you uphold it."

"I will speak to Dori and Ori myself," Kili says, swallowing hard. It's not going to be an easy conversation for Dori has always intimidated him . "I am responsible for it and so I will make it right."

"Do you want me present?" Dwalin offers, his brows rising slightly and Kili is able to admire just how pale and beautiful his eyes really are. 

"Thank you but no, this is something I should probably do on my own," Kili says regretfully. It would be so easy to have Dwalin there to soothe Dori's ruffled feathers, to say what Kili is still too angry to say. However, he's a king before he's a bitter husband. 

He's a king before every other matter in his life, he's beginning to realize. 

All his life he had never understood Thorin, but now he feels closer to him than ever. Thorin understood sacrifices and what it meant to rule a mountain. Kili has learned so much from his memories of Thorin on how to rule Erebor. And the mistakes that Thorin had made? The way Thorin had been too stubborn, too hard headed? The way Thorin would stand his ground and refuse to apologize even when he stood to lose so much?

Well, Kili's learned from that too.

***

The next morning, Kili issues a summons for Dori and Ori to meet with him in the royal throne room. He had originally planned to invite them for a meal, but his banishment had been a royal decree and therefore, the reversal must be as well. He does end up sending for witnesses. Dwalin to be by his side, Balin to oversee the matters. Bilbo comes as well and there is a Scribe to record the matters, since Kili's Royal Scribe is currently indisposed.

Dori arrives precisely on time, a deep scowl set upon his face, but he bows low to Kili and remains silent. Ori comes in behind him, his face red and he's vibrating with the energy of his wrath. Kili has only seen Ori this upset a handful of times and it pains him to know he's been the cause of it at least once now. 

"I owe you both an apology," Kili begins off saying, because he's not about to draw the matter out and bring even more attention to it. He wants Nori back home in the mountain he reclaimed, although preferably far, far away from Dwalin . "I issued a banishment against Nori in a moment of personal anger. I abused my authority and I was wrong."

"He risked his life for you!" Ori shouts at him, balling his hands into fists and the yarn on his sleeves is frayed and torn. "And you sent him away."

"He sought treason against the throne," Kili says in a tight, controlled voice. "I reacted harshly against Nori and I will not deny that. However, I will not also deny that Nori committed multiple counts of treason against me. A banishment was not unwarranted."

"What treason?" Dori asks suspiciously, placing his hands behind his back and he meets Kili's gaze evenly. "What are the charges against Nori?"

"Nori would never," Ori says vehemently. "Nori fought hard for Erebor, he risked _everything_ for Thorin, for you. He wouldn't have been so foolish to return to his old ways."

"Nori is plenty foolish ," Kili snaps before he takes a deep breath and tamps his anger back down. "Nori sought to bed Dwalin, who is _my_ Royal Consort."

"Well," Dori starts before he glances over at the young Scribe who is dutifully recording every single word. He falls silent and looks down at the marble throne. 

"Dwalin is my Consort in every single sense," Kili says, low and warningly. From the corner of his eye, he sees Dwalin start beside him, but Kili ignores him. He endured the price of that claim, it is his to boast of. "He also pulled a blade against me."

Dori sucks in a breath, but still remains silent. Ori, however, gapes at Kili and sputters before he manages to say, "You're lying! Nori would _never_ , not against you!”

"Ori," Dori says sharply.

"Ori," Balin rises to his feet and glares down at him. "We are a Company and we are all friends. However, you must take the accusations against Nori seriously. You must take all of this seriously."

"I'm sorry, Kili," Ori says and he lifts the back of his hand to scrub at his eyes. "We were doing so well. Nori was doing so well, I don't want to live the rest of my life without him. I've already done it for so many years."

"I am reversing my banishment and am sincere in my desire to bring Nori home," Kili says gently, because he understands Ori's pain. He will not hold it against him. "However, Nori must know that his past behaviour will not be tolerated any longer. If Nori is to return as a citizen of Erebor, he must conduct himself accordingly."

"He will," Dori reassures him, stepping forward and he places his hand on Ori's back. "We thank you for being gracious."

"I love Nori," Kili says, because he _does_ , damn him, regardless of everything that has happened. The quest is something that can never be erased, despite what happens afterwards. "But I love Dwalin more. That is to say, I love Erebor and everything we have fought for more. I will not tolerate some things, such as desire for my Consort."

The room is silence, heavy with tension and Kili bows his head, unable to meet anyone's eyes. He had almost laid himself completely bare in front of everyone. Beside him, Dwalin's breath has quickened and Kili cannot handle the attention anymore. He stumbles to his feet and forces himself to raise his gaze to meet the eyes of the 'Ri brothers. 

"I will issue a formal renouncement of the banishment. Nori is free to return at any time, but if he does, he will need to meet with me upon arrival. That is all." He doesn't wait for Dori and Ori to acknowledge his words or bow in gratitude. He doesn't wait to dismiss everyone and ensure the Scribe did not miss anything or if Balin believed that he handled the matter well. He does not wait for anything. Instead, he flees the throne room, escaping to the tombs and his stomach churns the entire time. 

It is not long after that Bilbo finds him. Kili hears him, long before he sees him. He doesn’t bother hiding because he can tell by the shuffling that it is not dwarf feet headed towards him, but rather the bare feet of a hobbit whom has become such a solace for him. 

"I suspected I would find you here," Bilbo says softly once he has reached him and he sits down on the cold stone floor beside Kili. 

Kili looks up at Thorin's likeness and sighs heavily. "Here I am," he says, his hand moving to rest against the flatness of his belly before he aborts the motion and drops his hand to knead his thigh instead. "I couldn't remain in there any longer."

"I don't believe anyone begrudges you for leaving, except perhaps Dwalin," Bilbo says, pressing their shoulders together. "He had quite the look of surprise on his face when I left."

Kili flushes and looks down at the floor, sliding a pebble along with the heel of his boot. "I didn't mean my words how they sounded," he says uncertainly. "I wish he wouldn't get any wrong ideas."

"I'm sure he has the complete right idea," Bilbo says reassuringly, patting Kili's leg. "I wanted to tell you that I thought you handled that meeting very well. Dori is quite the fussy creature, isn't he? And yet you conducted yourself like a true leader."

"Dori is fussy, but he wasn't angry, Ori was," Kili points out, because he has a feeling the meeting would have gone a bit differently if Dori had been the one calling him a liar. "But thank you. I did not want to lose my temper again."

"And you did well," Bilbo repeats, moving his hand away and he looks up at Thorin with a wistful sigh. "Your uncle would be so proud of you."

"Perhaps," Kili says, because he honestly doesn't know what Thorin would think about all of this . He would like to think that Thorin would be proud, be pleased that Kili has done his best with Erebor, be thrilled that Kili is expecting. 

"Do you believe Nori will return?" Bilbo asks. "I know you withdrew the banishment, but dwarves and their pride..."

"Nori will come back," Kili says with certainty. He knows that as deep in his bones as he knows the babe he is carrying is male. He won’t be certain until the birth, of course, but Kili would stake his very crown on his child being a son. "He will not want to be away from his brothers. Whether or not he avoids Dwalin is a matter that remains to be seen, though."

"I think Dwalin will avoid him," Bilbo points out and there is laughter in his throat. "He will not disrespect you again, Kili. Not when he feels the way he does."

"I know," Kili says, because he's not about to argue it. Dwalin is a good dwarf at heart. He would not willingly bring pain to those he loved. He would not seek to hurt Kili again, he's confident in this. 

"How do you feel?" Bilbo asks slyly, knocking their shoulders gently together although with the height difference, Bilbo's shoulder presses up more against Kili's arm. 

"Scared," Kili replies and he lets his hand rest against the material of his tunic on his stomach. 

"Is there a development we should be aware of?" Bilbo asks after a moment and he leans forward so he's able to twist a bit to the side and meet Kili's gaze. "Kili, lad? Is everything all right?"

Kili did not even realize he was having difficulty breathing until he suddenly notices he is panting. Short, sharp breaths of air forcing their way down his throat but it's not enough. He feels dizzy and light-headed. He breathes in even faster, trying to get as much air as he can, but the channel of his throat grows even more narrow. 

"I'm fine," he wheezes out, doubling over on the stone and he clutches his stomach harder. "I just can't... breathe."

"Breathe in deeply through your nose," Bilbo says low in his ear, his voice warm and soothing. Helplessly, Kili listens to him, inhaling through his nostrils and exhaling slowly out of his mouth. Before long, his breathing is back under control, but embarrassment stains a dark red upon his cheeks. 

"I'm sorry," Kili grits out, pushing himself back into a sitting position and he leans against the stone wall. 

"Don't apologize, it's perfectly fine," Bilbo says softly, reaching out and he lays his hand against Kili's shoulder. "I hope you know you can speak to me about anything. I might not understand everything, but I will keep your words in strictest confidence."

"It worked," Kili blurts out, the touch reassuring against his skin and he curls in closer against Bilbo, needing to seek out the comfort while it's offered. "Dwalin and I... it happened."

"What happened? I'm sorry, I'm not following," Bilbo says apologetically. 

"Dwalin and I... we created life," Kili whispers, taking one of Bilbo's hands into his own and he presses Bilbo's palm against his stomach. He knows that Bilbo won't be able to feel anything, even Kili himself is feeling no movement, but it's a symbolic gesture nonetheless. "There is much hope inside of me."

"Oh, my sweet lad," Bilbo whispers, embracing Kili fully and he holds him close against his chest. "Oh, Kili. I am so very pleased for you. Are you happy?"

"I'm terrified," Kili admits, because there is so much that could yet go wrong. "But I am happy, Bilbo. I truly am."

"Dwalin must be thrilled," Bilbo says with a laugh and he draws back to cup Kili's face in his hands. "Have you told your mother yet? We must celebrate!"

"No!" Kili snaps, wrenching himself away and he pushes himself to his feet, planting his hand against the wall for balance. "No, Dwalin doesn't know. I haven't told anyone yet. I don't _plan_ on telling anyone until it's absolutely necessary."

"But Kili, it's a child," Bilbo says, blinking up at him. "This is a cause for joy."

"And there will be joy, but not yet," Kili says, hating himself for being vulnerable, for displaying weakness that Bilbo will exploit. "You cannot tell anyone, Bilbo."

"Kili..."

"No one can know," Kili says forcefully. "Please, Bilbo. I ask this of you as a friend and a nephew, but I will order you as a king if you twist my hand. You will not speak of this to anyone."

"Of course," Bilbo murmurs, his shoulders hunching in dejectedly and he looks back up at the gold statue of Thorin. "He would want you to be honest ."

"Don't speak to me of Thorin and what he would want," Kili snaps, more in disbelief that Bilbo would dare to cross that line that's never existed for them before. "You had a few brief months of love with Thorin, do not pretend you know him better than I did, his own kin!"

"I understand that Thorin would have hated this," Bilbo says, his voice catching. "He would have disapproved of your cruelty to me and he would not have wanted you to keep something so important to yourself." 

"I'm sorry," Kili says, because Bilbo is right in the sense that Thorin would not have wanted Kili to be cold towards him. "But this is not your news to share. This is my burden for a little while longer."

"It's not a burden," Bilbo says kindly, stepping forward so he can hug Kili once more, rubbing his back gently. "It's a baby."

Kili draws away after a moment, his gaze going to the tombs and his hand unconsciously slides across his belly. “It has the ability to be both, I'm afraid."


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

Three weeks go by before Nori returns to Erebor. He does not offer any information as to where he has been and Dwalin does not push him. He comes to Dwalin in the middle of the night , blood dried on his clothing and a cut still leaking on his cheek but overall, he seems all right. He should not be in Dwalin's chambers, though. When will the stubborn dwarf ever learn?

"You must be mad to be in here," Dwalin says flatly, sitting on the edge of the bed as he tends to the cut on Nori's face. "Kili rescinds your banishment and this is the thanks you give to him? Sneaking into my chambers ?"

"I only came here because I don't want my brothers to see my face cut up," Nori says, hissing as Dwalin dabs rougher at the wound . "Be gentle!"

"Be quiet," Dwalin snaps, although his hands lessen their pressure. "Once I dress this wound you are to leave immediately. Did anyone see you?"

"Of course not," Nori says with a snort. "Might I remind you that I was the Spymaster? I know the schedule of the guards and I knew my window of opportunity."

"Opportunity my arse," Dwalin mutters, dipping the cloth into the basin of water once more. The water has turned a reddish-pink, but the blood flow is now sluggish and Dwalin knows it will be sealed by morning. 

"I don't want any trouble, Dwalin," Nori says quietly and his dark eyes are sincere. "I want to be friends with the both of you. I want to see you happy, I told you."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I would appreciate it a lot more if you were in your own home right now," Dwalin grumbles, pulling the cloth away from Nori's face and he studies it seriously. "I think it's done bleeding. Just be mindful of it and you shouldn't have any problems. I can stitch it if you like, but that'll be painful."

"No, it's fine to scar on its own," Nori says, hopping to his feet and he brushes his hair back. His braids are beginning to fall out, the peaks drooping and Dwalin is sure he's had quite the adventure while he's been gone. Still, it is a relief to see him home in Erebor once more. 

"Come, I'll walk you out of the Royal Apartments," Dwalin says, grabbing his candle and they quietly leave his chambers. 

The guard rotation must be around the corner because they don't run into a single soul on their way. Dwalin unlocks the heavy door and pulls it open a crack, allowing Nori to slip through the narrow opening. He grins at Dwalin, dropping a wink in his direction before he slips away into the darkness and he's gone. Dwalin's just sliding the door shut when he hears a throat being cleared and turns around to face Kili, who is standing there with a guard and a candle of his own. 

"Kili," he says, swallowing hard. He turns the lock once more to secure them in before he turns to face Kili completely. They had been so _careful_. "You're up late."

"I was in Balin's rooms discussing the trade Bard has offered," Kili says before he turns to the guard. "Thank you for the escort, but Dwalin will see me to my rooms now."

The guard nods and bows before he turns and walks away from them, leaving them in awkward silence. Dwalin's relieved, confident now that Kili had not yet seen anything he was not meant to. It will be the last time Nori is ever in his room, he decides. He will not play with fire in such a way.

"Your meeting with Balin went well, though?" Dwalin asks as they begin the walk towards the end of the magnificent stone hallway where Kili's royal chambers are. 

"It did go well, we will accept Bard's offer," Kili says as he walks beside him. He's favouring his left side again and Dwalin knows his right leg has never been the same since the arrow pierced his thigh in Mirkwood. "Balin is a bit dubious about the offer, but I believe it to be a sound one. I trust Bard, he would not betray us. We need each other too much for that."

"Bard is a good man," Dwalin says as they reach Kili's doors and he waits as Kili unlocks it and pushes the heavy door open. "Sleep well, Kili."

"Would you like to come in?" Kili says quietly, raising his eyebrow. "I know it's late, quite late, actually. You're probably weary, never mind."

Dwalin _is_ weary, he's exhausted actually. However, Kili so rarely offers such a gift to him that he'd be a fool to turn it down. The corner of his mouth tugs up in a hesitant smile. "I'm tired, but I'm always available to speak with you."

The tip of Kili's ears turn pink and he moves back to allow Dwalin to step around him and through the open door. He heads immediately for the soft leather couch that he's deemed his spot whenever he's in Kili's rooms. It feels good to sit. It would feel better to curl up in his bed, better yet - curl up around Kili and hold him close, but Dwalin can't afford to be choosy. He rubs a hand over his face as Kili sits down opposite of him, pulling a fur over his body. 

"Are you cold?" Dwalin asks, his eyes glancing over to the dark fireplace. "I can light a fire for you, if you are."

"I'm fine, but thank you," Kili says, tightening the fur around his lithe frame. "I've run a little cold these days, regardless of the temperature. Don't worry about me."

"I do," Dwalin says without thinking. He refuses to backtrack, though, and just shrugs his shoulders. "It's pretty much the definition of my job duty."

Kili laughs at that, bright and clear. Oh, how Dwalin treasures that sound. He would bottle it if he could, fill a bottle with that beautiful sound and every time he was sad, he would release the stopper just a bit, just a little bit each time in order to hear that joy. If only Dwalin was capable of making Kili laugh more often, if only they had a marriage of laughter and love. 

"I suppose it is," Kili says, pushing his dark hair out of his eyes. It's lost some of its shine and the braids he does seem to stick longer than they used to. He's more sedate these days than he ever was on the quest. Dwalin is sure that plays a part in the braids but he misses Kili’s energy. He also misses the wildness of his hair and how he believed it, much like Kili's heart, would never be tamed. 

"So..." Dwalin trails off because he's tired and not in the best frame of mind on how to speak to Kili regarding any sort of conversation. Kili surely has a purpose for inviting him in here, he just has to coax it out of him. 

"So I received a letter today," Kili says and there it is. He's glad it didn't take too long, considering how heavy his eyelids feel. He leans his back against the arm of the couch and swings his feet up, shuffling to get comfortable. 

"From?" He asks, catching the spare fur that Kili tosses his way and he covers himself with it, going from comfortable to cozy in a matter of moments. He could probably fall asleep here, if he let himself. 

"From Tauriel," Kili says boldly and Dwalin suddenly feels achingly wide awake. "She's passing by and was hoping to stop by in order to see the restorations. If it's agreeable for her to visit, she will be here within a month. However, she asked that I reply and let her know if it was possible."

"What did you say?" Dwalin says, forcing his tone to remain neutral. Kili's business is his own, despite what Dwalin's heart wants. 

"I haven't replied yet," Kili admits and glances at him through his long eyelashes. "I want your opinion on the matter."

"My opinion doesn't matter," Dwalin says, before he pauses and studies Kili's anxious face more carefully. "Does it?"

"Shouldn't it?" Kili shrugs his shoulders and looks down at his hands that are clasped in his lap, his thumb digging a groove into the curve of his palm. 

"It should if you want it to," Dwalin says, tamping down the hope that blooms inconveniently in his chest. "After everything that has happened with Nori, I'm not sure I have much room to ask for anything."

"You're my husband, you have the right to ask for anything," Kili mutters, but it's a lie. It's not true at all, because Dwalin doesn't have the right to ask for Kili's love. That's something that should be given freely and he knows it will never happen. 

"Do you want her to visit? She was a good friend to you," he says carefully, not wanting to upset Kili in any way, not when they've formed such tentative peace between themselves again. 

"She saved my life, Dwalin," Kili says with a slight laugh, although this one is albeit sharp. "I think that automatically counts someone to be a good friend."

"I'm not upset if she visits," Dwalin says and if he lies, then he prays Kili will believe it. "I trust you with her. I know you won't do anything to sacrifice what we've earned here."

"Of course not! Dwalin, I wouldn't, not again," Kili stutters before he looks up, two bright spots on his cheeks. "I _told_ you that it was over between Tauriel and myself. I cannot offer her what she deserves, nor do I necessarily want to anymore."

The hope flares brighter and brighter and Dwalin feels heated from the inside out. "What do you mean?" He asks dumbly. 

"An elf in Erebor? She'd be miserable and the people would be furious," Kili says with a laugh. "The mere idea of it now makes me laugh because I realize just how ridiculous it was."

It's not the answer that Dwalin was hoping for, but it could have been worse. Oh, Kili has given him so much worse so Dwalin will count this as a victory regardless. There's a beat of silence between them and Dwalin's original weariness comes slamming back on him. Now that he's horizontal with furs wrapped around him and his heart is beating warmly inside his chest with the message _maybe, just maybe_ , Dwalin finds it oh so easy to let his blinks grow longer and longer. 

"Then invite her," he finally says sleepily, smiling at Kili and his eyes feel heavy again. "Invite her, for everyone should have a good friend to call their own."

"Who is your good friend, Dwalin?" Kili's voice is distant and syrupy-thick. "Who do you call your own?"

"You, of course ," Dwalin murmurs before he closes his eyes once more and this time, his blink turns into sleep and he's gone.

***

_Fingers that are strong, strong enough to kill, slowly take him apart moment by moment. They steal across his skin, stroking gently into the scars he bears before moving to slip back inside of him, igniting white hot pleasure throughout his entire body. His back arches and he wantonly spreads his legs, longing for more. He cannot be patient anymore, not in this regard. He needs him too badly._

_"Dwalin, please," he moans, tipping his head back against the pillow. "Take me, I want to feel you move inside of me again."_

_"Patience, my raven," Dwalin rumbles soothingly, leaning down to blanket Kili's body with his own. Their kiss is tender at first until Kili nips his bottom lip and then it becomes scorching, each dominating for control until finally Kili submits, allowing Dwalin's tongue to coax noises out of him that he never believed he was capable of making._

_"Please - " Kili breaks off in a pant as Dwalin slides inside in one, single, searing stroke._

Kili jerks awake, just in time to recognize the wetness in his pants. He growls in frustration and strips himself bare, tossing his dirty clothes on to the floor. It is cruel and torturous to be awoke with such a burning desire and yet have no viable way of relief. 

He rolls over, seeking out cool spots in the bedding for even his skin is burning with his need. The sickness throughout this journey has not surprised him, he had even been expecting it from the beginning. The need for satisfaction though, that has caught him completely unaware. He would counsel with Oin to ensure that it is normal behaviour, but that would mean admitting that he has kept his pregnancy a secret for over eight weeks now. He's not sure how Oin will react when he learns of Kili's deception. Balin will be furious, and he's prepared for that, but Oin has always been more of a mystery. 

And how will Dwalin react when he learns what Kili has been keeping from him?

At the mere thought of Dwalin, his cock twitches beneath the sheet and Kili whimpers, rolling over on to his back. It is almost to the point where it is painful, but he still takes himself once, twice more into his own hand. The need does not ebb and sleep evades him. All he can dwell on is the memory of Dwalin's body against his own, pressing him down on the bed as he had filled Kili slowly and surely. 

With a curse, Kili rolls on to his side and clenches his eyes shut tightly. He wraps his arms around his middle and even though it's in the middle of the night and he's almost delirious with the desire to be taken once more, he would swear that his belly swells in a way it never has before. There is a slight hint of proof there. 

Just once he would like to experience everything again, just once more. He had been so caught up with anxiety the first time that he hadn't truly allowed himself to enjoy the small taste he was to receive. Perhaps if they did it again, just once more, it would finally scratch that itch inside of him. And it wouldn't be too uncomfortable - he knows what to expect now and he has done this with Dwalin. 

Dwalin would never agree, though, and it would be unfair for Kili to ask. Unless... unless Dwalin believed that it would be another attempt for an heir. Perhaps then Dwalin could be persuaded to lie together once more. He had obviously enjoyed it last time, Kili still wakes up at night with the memory of Dwalin's chants. 

It's a cruel act of deception, but Dwalin doesn't have to ever find out. Kili can say that it worked and he's fortunate enough to be married to a dwarf that has never had a mind for puzzles, he won't notice that the timelines don't match . Others might, but Kili can always claim an early babe. It's common enough. It's a dangerous game, though, one he won't commit to in the middle of the night. Perhaps come morning he won't feel so impulsive. 

He forgets about the entire matter for a couple of days until he's suddenly hit with the aching need once more. He groans, rubbing his hand over his face because it's the most inopportune time for something like this to happen. A handful of the Council are overlooking the afternoon training sessions of the young dwarves and Dwalin is down in the pit, stripped to just his pants as he instructs. 

He looms above the younger dwarves, barking orders with a staff in his hand. His chest is sweaty, Kili would swear he could see the rivulets of sweat from here and his mouth is suddenly dry. He never once found Dwalin attractive in his life , he was always the dwarf that was like a secondary uncle to them since Thorin was more of a father-figure. He was never anything special except for a teacher, an instructor and guide. 

Oh, he had guided Kili that night. 

His cheeks, nay his entire face, burn with the memory of it and he grips the railing on the balcony harder to keep his balance. He feels off-kilter to begin with but the fact that his knees actually feel weak isn't helping matters. 

"See something that you like?" Ori says teasingly in his ear. 

He knows Ori is desperate for an epic love between them , to write a tale for years to come about how they had forged a bond deep within battle and desperation, only to have it blossom into something rare and beautiful - love. He knows Ori, and Balin, and even Bilbo all hope for it, but they're fools to believe it would ever be true. 

"Actually, yes," he says, swallowing thickly. "In the corner, there. You'll see a handful of dwarves learning the bow. The one on the right in the green has a natural knack for it."

"Oh, you're really admiring that?" Ori's face falls slightly. "I thought perhaps you were looking at something a little better."

"I am glad to see that my dream of an archery army within Erebor is becoming a reality, especially with talent such as that," Kili says, unable to meet his gaze. If he does, he'll probably crack and he can't afford for Ori to know everything. It's hard enough to see Bilbo and see the glances he sends his way. He can't handle it from Ori as well. 

"I am glad to see it," Ori says sincerely. "You always were good with a bow. You should go out hunting again, you and Dwalin have seemed to cease that."

Kili had told Dwalin that he didn't have time for it anymore but in reality, he knows that hunting is the exact danger that Oin warned against in early pregnancy. Kili might be a fool to be keeping something so significant a secret, but he would not see harm to his child, not for anything. 

"We'll go again sometime," Kili says, because they will go again someday, once this heir business is behind them. "How are you though? I am glad you have chosen to forgive me."

Ori's cheeks turn pink, but he doesn't comment on how angry he had been at Kili for banishing Nori. They don’t speak of how Ori had sought him out privately afterwards, his anger not sated. He doesn't refer to how he had screamed at Kili until his throat was hoarse and tears had dripped down the end of his nose. He doesn't mention that he had sworn mutiny against Kili and how Fili would have never hurt Ori like that . It's not spoken of that they had both ended the night in tears, curled up on Kili's bed in a huddle, whispering apologies into each other's hair. 

"Nori's home so it's all right," Ori says instead, brushing a braid back off his shoulder and he smiles brightly. "He brought me a quill from his travels! It has the tiniest gems set into it, I'm going to use it for my official documentation."

Kili doesn't speak the uncharitable thought that he probably nicked it off some noble, but instead focuses on the fact that Nori has returned to the kingdom and has yet not come to him. He wonders if Dwalin knows. 

"That's odd, I believe I had been quite clear in my orders that if Nori was to come home, he was to meet with me," Kili says, fighting back the wave of annoyance that washes over him. 

"He came home wounded," Ori says quietly, glancing around to ensure that they're still set apart from the other Council members who are commenting on the soldiers amongst themselves. "He wanted time to heal before he met with you."

"I do want to apologize to him," Kili says, even as his gut twists. It's a lie, he wants to drive a blade through Nori's chest for even daring to think he could take what isn't his. It's the hormones speaking though and Kili will be mortified if he acts anymore unkind. 

"I know he would appreciate that," Ori says, curling his hand around the railing, his knuckles white. "He regrets everything that has happened between you two."

Kili glances down at Dwalin teaching once more, enjoying the way his muscles ripple under his skin as his torso twists. Dwalin glances up at that moment and their eyes meet. Despite the flush on his face and the way his body aches, and craves, for Dwalin, Kili doesn't tear his eyes away. Instead, he lifts his hand in greeting and the smile that blooms over Dwalin's face is worth the embarrassment of his need. 

"As do I," he says, watching the way Dwalin finally drops his gaze and grabs a towel from the bench, wiping the sweat from his body. He says something to the soldiers before he begins to walk away, headed towards the tunnel that leads to the barracks and Kili knows he's probably going to get dressed. "Excuse me," he says, slipping away from Ori and he hurries down the stairwell. 

The soldiers all cease their training and sparring as he enters the pit, falling still as he hurries across the way and disappears into the tunnel where Dwalin has gone. He follows it until it leads into the barracks and he can hear water running from one of the rooms. He knows he should turn around and go back to his rooms where he has the privacy to relieve his arousal, but his feet carry him into the room where Dwalin is standing in the corner, water washing the sweat away from his shoulders. 

He's also naked. 

Kili knows that in hindsight, he's seen Dwalin naked before, but he had never stopped to focus on the nudity. There had been communal bathing on the quest, but they had been fighting for their lives, there had been no time to gaze upon one another with curiosity. Then, for their first time, they had fumbled their way through the near darkness and Kili had kept his eyes trained on the wall at all times. He hadn't drank his fill of Dwalin's body, but it was clearly his loss. 

"Kili," Dwalin says, startling as he glances up. "You're lost."

"No, I'm not," Kili says, shutting the door behind himself and he locks it for good measure. "I followed you here, I need to speak to you."

"Can it wait?" Dwalin turns slightly, protecting his modesty because Kili knows that he doesn't want to make Kili uncomfortable. He's thoughtful and kind like that, he's been so kind to Kili in so many different ways. 

"Finish up, I'll wait," Kili says, turning to face the wall even though it goes against every instinct he has. 

"What does it have to do with?" Dwalin finally asks and Kili can hear the sound of movement again, of water splashing against skin. 

"I want us to try again," Kili says bluntly, his hand twitching at his side. He always catches himself before he's able to rub the slight swell that's appeared recently, but he knows that eventually he's going to forget himself and then the secret really will be out. 

"Try again?" Dwalin repeats dumbly. "Now?"

"No, not now," Kili says, even though he's rather tempted to try right now. He didn't realize how attractive Dwalin was soaking wet. "I've taken the herb mixture from Oin, though. I took it two weeks ago."

"And you didn't think to tell me?" Dwalin demands and the sound of water ceases. "For something as important as this, you didn't find it in yourself to mention it before now?"

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?" Kili says sulkily. "I didn't want to bring any more attention to the matter then necessary. Do you understand how it feels to know that you've failed in your duty?"

"We haven't failed," Dwalin snaps and there's rustling from his direction. "And you can turn around, I'm dressed. Honestly, Kili. Something like this really should have been discussed."

"I didn't want to tell anyone," Kili says stubbornly. "I don't like such private matters being common knowledge amongst my Council, Dwalin. I thought you would understand that."

"I'm not a Council member, I'm your spouse!" Dwalin shouts before he falls silent, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "So you're telling me that tonight is our only window of opportunity?" 

"Yes," Kili says softly, dropping his gaze. He hadn't expected Dwalin to meet his deception with such hostility, he had thought that perhaps Dwalin would be as willing as he was. He should have seen this coming, though. Dwalin slept with him out of duty, not because he was attracted to Kili's unusual form in any way. 

"Fine," Dwalin says tightly, twisting the towel in his hand. "I suppose you'll make your way to my chambers sometime this evening and we'll go from there."

"Come to my chambers," Kili says, because it's unfair to put Dwalin out like that. Plus, he sort of likes the idea of having Dwalin in his bed, even if it's under false pretenses. 

"Are you sure?" Dwalin questions, furrowing his brow. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any sort of way, Kili."

"I know, and I appreciate it. I'm serious in my offer, though. Come to my rooms tonight. It's only fair after I've sprung this sort of information on you."

Dwalin's mouth flattens into a thin line and he doesn't answer Kili. Instead, he just nods his head shortly and moves to leave the room, going past Kili. Kili reaches out and grabs his sleeve in a moment of desperation. He doesn't want to force Dwalin into anything, he knows the wrath that will follow won't be worth any temporary pleasure. He really should come clean and tell Dwalin that he's pregnant, that he's just lonely and craves companionship. If they ever want a chance at a genuine marriage, Kili should be honest right now. 

"Dwalin... do you even want to?"

"Of course I do," Dwalin says, looking down at him and there's an expression on his face that Kili can't quite place. For a moment, it looks like Dwalin is going to kiss him. "It's an heir, it's the end to all our troubles."

"Of course," Kili says dimly, releasing his hold on Dwalin and he steps back. "That's... a good way of putting it. I'll see you tonight." 

Dwalin nods his head and disappears from the room. Kili watches him leave and swallows the sigh that wants to slip out. He's gone completely crazy, this is a foolish plan that will _never_ work. The fallout will not be worth it in the least and he will have no one to blame but himself. Rubbing his face, Kili hurries from the barracks in order to catch Dwalin and call the whole thing off, perhaps even come clean. However, Dwalin is nowhere to be found and so Kili makes his way to his own chambers. 

He can always tell him tonight.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Judging from the first couple of comments I've received, I just wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me this long, despite the misery! I promise this fic has a happy ending so please hang on, the sun is just around the corner.

"The very fucking nerve of him," Dwalin mutters to himself as he makes his way down the hallway towards Kili's rooms. He doesn't want to go, not like this. He's too angry to be with Kili right now, irritated and hurt by the deception. Last they had mentioned it, Kili had spoken of trying again in the new year, which was still months away. But then he and Oin both had gone behind Dwalin's back and aimed for a second attempt. Why would Oin not inform him that Kili had taken the potion again? Was even Balin aware that they were attempting again? 

He had hoped that the next time he slept with Kili, he would have already proven himself to be a gentle and thoughtful lover. He had thought he'd shown Kili that he was to be trusted. The second time it would happen, Kili would be much more receptive because they had a foundation to build upon now. He didn't expect that he would be feeling so furious, and he doesn't want to be. He has to bring himself under control because if he is rough for even a moment, he will lose all of the progress he has slowly made with Kili. 

The anger just won't swallow away though. 

"I should just claim I'm ill and waste the potion," Dwalin mutters to himself as he knocks briefly and then allows himself into Kili's rooms . 

"I'm in the bedroom," Kili calls to him from the other room and it's so unlike the last time that Dwalin actually pauses. He rubs his hand over his beard and clenches his eyes shut tightly. 

He cannot perform such an intimate act under such circumstances. He loves Kili too much to allow him to see Dwalin's wrath. He will explain to Kili that he was unprepared for such an deed tonight and that despite the potion, Kili will have to understand that Dwalin needs more warning. Steeling his shoulders, Dwalin walks into the bedroom, fully intent on graciously bowing out. 

Kili is waiting for him in the bed, sitting naked except for the white sheet that is pooled around his hips. Dwalin's reluctance and anger flees him all at once, intense longing slipping in place and he just _wants_ him so much. 

"You can have me tonight," Kili says, his face reddening and he ducks his gaze away. "That's sort of the whole point, isn't it?"

"I didn't mean to say that aloud," Dwalin replies, his own face heating up in embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Kili says, glancing up at him. His dark hair spills down over his shoulders and Dwalin wants to knot his fist into it, dragging Kili closer for a kiss. He flexes his hand at his side before he forces it still since Kili had made his stance on kissing very clear. He does not demean Dwalin for loving him, but he does not love him in return. 

"What should I do?" Dwalin asks, and it all feels so new again. Before the quest, Dwalin had sought pleasure from many dwarves and had prided himself on his experience that had led to his skills. With Kili though, it all feels so _new_. This is what it feels like to be with a dwarf that he actually loves, his heart is forged in fire and Dwalin cannot fathom touching anyone else ever again. 

Kili has ruined him, for the rest of his days. 

"Undressing would probably be the first thing in order," Kili says, and there's a small smile twitching around his lips. "I nicked the oil from your room. I hope you don't mind."

"I didn't even notice you doing that," Dwalin says, pulling the hem of his shirt from where it's tucked into his trousers. Kili doesn't avert his eyes and that's something else that's new. Dwalin suddenly feels like he's on display and while there's a part of him that wants to take it slow, make Kili work for it, there is nothing to taunt and tease here. 

This is simply a perfunctory act. 

He undresses quickly, leaving his small-clothes on and he climbs into the bed, covering himself with the sheet. He's breathing harder, being in such close proximity as Kili, who is definitely less afraid then last time. Dwalin had wanted to prove that he could be trusted, he had apparently done a successful job. 

"You're very forward tonight," Dwalin confesses softly, looking down at the sheets. "And I don't know how to feel about it."

"I just really need it," Kili says , his voice cracking and catching in his throat. "I mean, we really need this heir."

"I thought you said after the new year," Dwalin says, frustration swarming up inside his chest again, buzzing loudly under his skin. "You told me we had to wait and I didn't think you'd be ready so soon."

"I don't want to dwell about this for months," Kili says and there's an edge to his voice now. "Do you want to walk away? I'm not going to force you to do anything _you_ don't want to."

"That's not fair because you know I want to," Dwalin says lowly, chancing a look at Kili. His bottom lip is pouting out, red and tempting, and oh how Dwalin wants to kiss it. 

"Then I really don't understand why you're complaining!" Kili suddenly shouts, his hands balling into fists. "If I had thought for a moment I would have to fucking stoop myself down and _beg_ you to fuck me, I would have spared myself the mortification!"

"Because I don't want to fuck someone who endures it simply for the sake of the crown," Dwalin retorts, and it feels _good_ to finally raise his voice, to yell at this princeling brat who thinks he can still get away with whatever he pleases. "I can't, not when I feel the way I do and it's cruel that you would expect otherwise from me!"

"You and your sappy feelings," Kili sneers, rolling over on the bed and the sheet drops away to reveal his complete naked form. The swell of his backside calls to Dwalin and he longs to sink his teeth into the skin, marking and claiming. 

"I can't do this," he says instead, moving to get out of the bed. "I cannot - nay, I _refuse_ \- to conceive my child in such a temper. It's not right."

"Dwalin, wait, no," Kili pleads, rolling back over and he grabs Dwalin's wrist. His touch is gentle, but still feels hot against Dwalin's skin. "This is our chance, this is our only chance and I need you to do this for me. For Erebor."

"It feels wrong," Dwalin says stubbornly, because there is something about this situation that doesn't feel right to him. Dwalin has not survived so many years by ignoring his instincts. 

"It's not wrong," Kili says quietly, pulling at him and helplessly, Dwalin goes. Kili presses a kiss against Dwalin's bicep, his eyes closed. He's so close that Dwalin could count his eyelashes. 

It happens quickly, after that. There's no drawing it out like last time where Dwalin had massaged Kili until he was boneless and relaxed. This time, he allows Kili to tug him completely on to the bed and pull his small-clothes off. He still doesn't allow Dwalin to kiss him, but he's more of a participant this time and it feels a lot less like rape. 

He opens Kili up slowly with one finger, and then two. Scissoring them apart, he sucks marks on Kili's neck, the possession in his heart slowly becoming more and more sated. Kili groans and tilts his head back, giving Dwalin more of a canvas and he greedily takes advantage of it, nipping at the skin before he sucks another bruise on to it. He moves his fingers deeper, slowly adding a third and pumping them in and out. Kili slowly loses more and more control until his hair sticks to his forehead with sweat, his bottom lip falling open between groans. 

He looks completely debauched and Dwalin just loves him so much. 

"That's it," he pants as Dwalin slowly works his way inside. He's got Kili lying on his back, a pillow shoved under his hips and it's easier to gauge his reactions this way. It also makes him harder because he's able to see every emotion that flickers across Kili's face and he's holding nothing back. 

Dwalin eases and he eases until he's completely buried inside, holding himself still with trembling forearms as he gives Kili time to adjust to the intrusion. Finally, Kili nods his head and rolls his hips, Dwalin nearly losing it right then and there. 

"Coals and hammers ," he groans, glaring down at Kili. "A little warning before you do that again, please."

"The whole point of this is for you to lose control," Kili points out, rolling his hips again. "Don't get testy with me just because I'm the only one who is actually remembering why we're doing this."

Dwalin flushes and feels his throat tighten. Kili is absolutely correct and Dwalin has to do a better job of separating his feelings from his duties. He needs to be a responsible Consort, and that includes creating an heir. It doesn't mean he gets to be in love. 

"Then let's get this over with," he says quietly, reaching down between them and he wraps his hand around Kili's shaft. 

Kili lets out a moan and tips his head back, swallowing hard. He's so responsive underneath Dwalin, his hips falling into rhythm with Dwalin's and it's like they were meant to always be together. Dwalin keeps up a steady pace between his hips and his hands, it's almost too much but he can't stop _touching_ Kili, not when he responds so sweetly. He swipes his thumb over the head of Kili's cock and that's when Kili comes with a shout, clawing deeply into Dwalin's back. 

He's sure there's blood and it's more satisfying than it should be. 

He drops his hand away from Kili after he's finished milking him dry and holds on to the headboard tightly. He takes his pleasure then, closing his eyes and he blocks out everything that he can, focusing only on how tight and hot Kili clenches around him. He even turns off his heart because he can't afford to be so vulnerable, not right now. He's so close, he's teetering on the edge and that's when he hears him. 

"You look so beautiful like this," Kili whispers, and it's enough to send him over. He bears down on Kili and roars his pleasure as his hips snap almost wildly out of control with no finesse. He spills himself inside of Kili, gasping as every last pleasure is wrought from his body. 

When it's finally finished, he gives himself a moment to commit it to memory before he slowly pulls himself out and draws the sheet up around them for modesty's sake. It's surely the last time he'll get to experience that for awhile, there is little doubt in his mind that tonight they made an heir. 

"I should go," he says, because as much as he longs to lie down and curl close behind Kili, tangle their legs together and wrap his arm around his waist, his palm spread out over his belly, he knows that Kili doesn't want him near. 

"I'll let you know of any changes," Kili murmurs, rolling over and he tugs the sheet up over his shoulders, his eyes already closed. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," Dwalin snaps, the anger surging once more. "Do not belittle me by thanking me for doing my cursed duty."

"No," Kili says drowsily. "Thank you for loving me."

Dwalin's struck speechless at that. He swallows hard, remaining silent because he has no answer to it. He should really be thanking Kili for being so wonderful to love, even if he is tenacious and difficult on the best of days. Instead, he slips from the bed and dresses quickly, leaving his shirt untucked because he's just heading to his own bed to replay this evening's events over and over in his mind. Before he leaves, though, he reaches for the thick furs that have been pushed to the foot of the bed and he pulls them up around Kili's already sleeping form, tucking him carefully. 

He'd hate for him to be cold.

***

They don't speak of what happens, Kili acts like it never happened and so Dwalin follows his example, remaining silent even though he's full of questions. How is Kili feeling? Dwalin was less gentle this time, was he too rough? Has Oin noticed a difference? Oin mentioned that if it had worked, Kili would begin to feel some symptoms. What sort of symptoms did Oin mean? He hopes nothing painful because this has been difficult enough, he doesn't need Kili suffering even more.

Perhaps Dwalin should have offered after all to be the one carrying. 

"Dwalin? You seem very lost in your thoughts," Balin says to him, nudging his elbow. 

Dwalin starts, his arm knocking his wine over, but the goblet is thankfully empty. He turns it up-right and shrugs his shoulders, unable to meet his brother's gaze. "I'm fine," he says. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

He's dining with Balin today, who has been feeling under the weather. Dwalin worries for Balin and his health, if he's honest. Dwalin is well accustomed to death and loss but somehow the thought of _Balin_ being gone is inconceivable. Balin's been there his entire life, guiding him. He'd be lost without him, especially now. 

"I can tell," Balin says, turning away and he holds his napkin to his mouth as another coughing fit hits him. The noise rattles in his chest and he spits something into the napkin before he's able to turn back to the table. "Forgive me."

"Has Oin seen you?" Dwalin asks, frowning at Balin who is sometimes too stubborn to accept help. "There might be a herb that will aid you."

"He's coming shortly," Balin says with a small smile. "And yes, with a potion that will loosen the mucus in my chest."

Dwalin nods his head in approval at that news. Dwarves are made of hearty stock and it takes a lot to defeat one, but Dwalin would not risk it with his only kin. Not when he needs Balin so much right now. They continue to dine in silence until there's a knock at the door and then Oin is ushered through, carrying his large satchel . 

"I hear you've got quite the cough," Oin says, setting the satchel down on the top of the table and he opens it, beginning to remove vials of powder and crushed herbs. "Well, I've got the concoction for you. You'll feel like a new dwarf."

"Wonderful," Balin says before he breaks off into another coughing fit. 

"Does this potion taste as vile as the one you prepared for Kili?" Dwalin says skeptically, leaning slightly over the table so he's able to watch Oin work. As someone who has made a living of killing, he finds it fascinating to watch the other end of the spectrum, to watch Oin save lives. 

"This one has a slight mint taste to it," Oin says as he crushes up a mint leaf between his fingers and sprinkles the powder into a goblet. The liquid inside steams and hisses as he swirls it around before setting it down in front of Balin. "This shouldn't taste terrible."

Balin gratefully accepts the goblet and swallows it in two big gulps, setting the empty cup back down. "It really does taste like mint," he says, dabbing at his mouth with the corner of his napkin. 

"I should be off, but I will return later this evening with a second potion," Oin says, gathering his supplies. "The evening dose will enable a full night's rest."

"Are you off to see Kili next?" Dwalin questions as he pushes his plate away. "Has he mentioned anything to you lately about symptoms? He hasn't spoken to me regarding any of it but I'm not really surprised... he doesn't speak to me of much."

"Symptoms?" Oin pauses in what he's doing and turns to look at Dwalin. "I think I misheard you there. Speak up!"

"Symptoms," Dwalin repeats, louder this time. "For pregnancy? We laid together last week. I know it's a bit early..."

"It didn't work," Oin says, frowning at him. "I thought you knew that."

"I didn't realize he would know again so soon," Dwalin says, and he's torn on his emotions. Half of him is crushed because he's gotten attached to this idea of an heir, of an actual baby that is proof of his love with Kili. He's also slightly elated because every failure means another chance to worship Kili's body and _prove_ to him that Dwalin is worthy. 

"He knew months ago," Oin says irritably. "For royal spouses, you really need to work on your communication." 

"But it just happened last week - " Dwalin stops and stares at Oin, his skin growing clammy and he feels like he's about to be sick. Dwalin is a warrior first and foremost but he's not an idiot, he was taught by the same scholars that Balin was. "You're aware that Kili took the fertility potion again, right?"

"No he didn't," Oin says and he pauses in what he's doing. "I've only given that to Kili once and that was months ago."

"But Kili _told_ me," Dwalin says and he pushes himself away from the table. "I don't understand."

"Brother - Dwalin - talk to me," Balin says, hurrying to his feet and he moves to lay his hand on Dwalin's arm. "Don't grow angry, speak to me."

"Kili told me he took the potion," Dwalin says, his lips numb. Kili had _lied_ to him. It wasn't the first time and Dwalin wasn't foolish enough to assume it would be the last, but to lie over a matter as serious as this? "Kili told me we were trying again and I _slept_ with him."

Balin and Oin exchange looks before Balin says hesitantly, "Is it so wrong that you laid with your husband, even if it wasn't to conceive a child?"

"I have to go," Dwalin says abruptly, because he can't be discussing this matter with these two. No, he needs to be having this conversation with Kili because he deserves to know why he was deceived. If Kili had simply just desired the physical act, Dwalin should have _known_ \- 

"Dwalin, no," Balin says firmly, tightening his grip on Dwalin's arm. "You cannot go to him when you're this angry!"

"Why?" Dwalin challenges, shoving Balin off of him. "Because I might hurt him? Rightfully so!"

"You don't mean that," Balin says, glaring at him. "It might not even be what you're thinking. Just calm down!"

"What else could it be? He lied to me, Balin. He told me that he took the fertility potion and Oin has told me he has not. He _lied_ to me. It's dishonourable. After everything I have done for him - " he breaks off, his breath ragged. 

"He might have a good reason for it," Oin offers up, but quickly looks away. 

"He is supposed to _trust_ me," Dwalin shouts, grabbing the wooden chair and he lifts it above his head with a roar, slamming it down on the floor so it shatters. "He _lied_."

"You cannot see him like this," Balin says irritably. "And stop breaking my furniture!" 

"I have to go," Dwalin repeats, kicking the kindling out of his way. Their road has already been so rocky and yet Dwalin had been hopeful. What hope is he to have after this? For reasons he can't fathom, Kili lied to him over something so significant that it's the defining point of their marriage. 

He wouldn't have said yes. The thought slams into his head and he groans, pushing past the table and he hurries from the room, intent on finding Kili. He wouldn't have slept with Kili if it hadn't been for the sake of creating an heir. He loves him too much for that, he cannot separate his heart that far. Kili probably knew that and that is why he deceived Dwalin so. How could he ever trust him again? What else has Kili been hiding from him?

He goes to Kili's rooms first, even though it's the middle of the day and he's unlikely to be there. Fate is on his side, though, because Kili is dining alone in his rooms and even just the sight of his face makes Dwalin so angry. He slams the door shut behind him, so hard that picture frames rattle on the wall, nearly falling. Kili drops his spoon in surprise and looks up and immediately, there's a guilty look on his face that makes Dwalin even angrier. 

"You lied," he says, his voice low and shaking. He clenches his hands into fists and desperately tries to remind him why he loves Kili and why he cannot use his hands for what they were destined to do - maim and kill. It would be treason, to lay his hands upon Kili in wrath. He knows this and yet it would still be so _easy_ to do so. Dwalin hates himself for it but right now, he hates Kili more.

"I did," Kili admits, his face paling, and he stands up from the table, taking a step back. "I had my reasons."

"There is _no_ reason that is good enough for you to have lied to me over such a monumental thing," Dwalin says, knocking a chair out of his way. 

"I had my reasons," Kili says again, stubbornly. Damn him to the deepest pits. "It was my concern, not yours."

"When will you realize that they are one and the same, you foolish boy?" Dwalin shouts, his knuckles white from the pressure. "If we have any fucking hope, we have _got_ to work together!"

"They are _not_ the same," Kili snaps, glaring at him. "Your life is very different from mine, don't try to pretend otherwise. _You_ get to continue living the same life you've always had - "

"You think being married to a spoiled brat is the same life I've always had?" Dwalin laughs harshly at that. "You think that loving someone who _hates_ you is the life I am accustomed to? If you could look past your own pitiful existence, you would realize that others are hurting as well. You would see that you're not the only one in pain!"

"If I am such a brat then perhaps you shouldn't have married me!"

"Perhaps I shouldn't have," Dwalin says quietly and he huffs out a breath, scrubbing his hand over his face. "I knew I should not have from the moment I agreed. Someone had to look out for you, though. You could not even care for yourself."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of caring for," Kili mutters. 

"No, I don't, because you don't give me the chance." Just like that, the temporary peace is over and there's nothing but anger is the air again, crackling with its intensity. "I have done everything possible to show you that I love you, that I would protect you with my life, that I would do _anything_ to make you happy and this is the thanks I get? The repayment I get is lies and deception!"

"I should not have to repay you," Kili says, and he suddenly throws his dinner plate at Dwalin. The food goes splattering on the wall behind him as he ducks out of the way. "I never asked for you to love me! I didn't want that!"

"I know you didn't and how do you think that makes me feel? Dwarves love once, you idiot. I suffer every day for you."

"While I've been suffering myself," Kili snaps, throwing the goblet next and the wine splashes over the carpet, leaving a blood red stain on it. "I've been sick for months, this babe has given me no rest and - what? Why do you look like that? Dwalin?"

Dwalin feels like he is going to truly be sick now. The walls around him are beginning to spin, the figures in the painting jumping out and the floor is tilting this way and that, causing him to stumble. He reaches for the table, scrabbling for purchase as he attempts to steady himself. Someone is moaning, low and painfully, sounds of a wounded animal fill the air and it takes him a moment to realize that it's coming from him. 

"Dwalin? Your face is so pale!" Kili is beside him, his hand gentle against Dwalin's back and he's guiding him to the couch, prompting him to sit and lower his head between his knees. "Are you all right?"

"You're pregnant," Dwalin finally manages to choke out. "You're pregnant?"

"I thought you knew," Kili says blankly and he wisely takes a step back. "I thought that's why you were so angry!"

"I was upset because you had deceived me into your bed," Dwalin says and damn, his eyes are beginning to burn. He's about to cry in front of the one dwarf who has no respect for him, not at all for any dwarf who did would not tear his heart out like this. "I did not know - when?"

"The first time," Kili whispers. 

The wail erupts out of Dwalin's throat with no warning, burning and clawing its way out until he feels like he is gagging on acid, choking on dragon fire itself. Tears pour down his cheeks and this is it, this is the sign that he's been searching for. Kili does not love him, Kili will _never_ love him because if there had been a place of hope, he would have never done something so reprehensible. 

"Dwalin, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Kili is the one crying now, but it's rain against the stone because Dwalin's heart will never yield again. 

"We are finished," he says, pushing himself to his feet and there's satisfaction in the way that Kili stumbles away from him. He fears him again and this time, Dwalin thinks _good_. "You and I... we are no more. I will do my duty for Erebor but that is it."

"That can't be it," Kili's begging now. "Dwalin, please, forgive me. I was going to tell you, I was! I was just so afraid. Can't you understand that?"

"No, but I've never understood you in the least," Dwalin says and there's something liberating in choosing cruel words that he know will hurt. "More elf than dwarf, I had thought to myself that I was truly mad for agreeing. I did it for Erebor and for Thorin, but never for _you_."

"You don't mean that," Kili weeps, falling to the floor and he hunches over, holding himself tightly. In the position he's in, Dwalin is able to see the swell of his belly and he wonders how he's missed it all along. 

"Oh, I do mean it, and more," Dwalin says darkly. "I had to force myself to love you. Every fucking day it was a conscious decision to love you, the princeling brat who would not stop mourning his dead kin. And this is the repayment I receive for my work."

"I'm sorry," Kili says, looking up and his tear stained face calls to Dwalin. He is furious and he is angry and he may say all he likes to Kili, but in the end he longs to dry his tears and braid his love into Kili's hair for all to see. The fact that the desire to publically claim is still there only makes him angrier, though. 

"Save your apologies for your child so you might be able to explain to them when they are older why their fathers _hate_ each other," Dwalin says tightly, crossing the room towards the door. He steps on the remains of the dinner plate, his boots crushing the glass to slivers. 

"I could never hate you," Kili whispers, his voice cracking. 

_Nor I you_ , Dwalin's traitorous heart thinks. He slams the door behind himself with no response, for tonight he has already said too much.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of misery, I promise! It all comes to a head in Chapter 20 and once again, I will assure you that this story DOES have a happy ending. (And it's also probably going to be longer than 22 chapters, let's be honest, ha)

The silence is deafening once the door has slammed and the footsteps have faded away. Kili’s tears flow even heavier as the realization that Dwalin will not return tonight, perhaps not ever, hits him. He did not think it was possible to see the older dwarf so furious. Growing up, Thorin had always cautioned them of Dwalin. Thorin had said Dwalin was loyal to them, but to have the sense to be mindful of Dwalin, who did not always know his strength or fury. He was a powerful warrior and it would be dangerous to forget so.

Somehow, though, in the past two years, Kili has forgotten the strength of Dwalin’s wrath because all he has been shown is his patient love. 

There’s a knot in his chest, lengthening up into his throat and he feels like he cannot breathe. His stomach is rolling in waves, twisting unpleasantly with cramps. He needs to calm down, he needs to breathe because this can’t be healthy for the baby, the innocent child who is unaware yet of how horrible Kili is. Perhaps it would be better to lose this baby after all, for then Kili would not have to live through the pain of disappointing another person. 

He won’t lose this baby, though, not when it has cost him already so much and he loves it so fiercely. 

He forces himself to his feet and once he is sure that he is steady and will not fall, he shuffles out of his room and down the hallways to where his mother’s rooms are. He needs a loving touch right now; he needs to speak with someone who is obligated to love him because he is born of her flesh. He opens the door and drops to his knees in the doorway, the burning ache in his stomach and chest too much to handle. Tears continue to stream down his face, but at this point, he doesn’t know if it’s due to the pain in his belly or because his heart is breaking apart. 

All he feels is pain. All he wants is Dwalin’s comforting arms. How stupid he has been, how completely foolish he has been. His idiocy has costed him something precious he did not realize he valued until it was gone. 

“Kili?” Bilbo kneels in front of him, cupping his face in his hands. “Are you all right?”

Kili means to answer, he really does, but the only thing that escapes through his parched lips is a pained groan. 

“Dis!” Bilbo calls, one hand smoothing down Kili’s shoulder. “It’s Kili, I think he’s unwell.”

“What’s the matter?” His mother swims into his vision next, placing the back of her hand against his forehead. “He’s not warm.”

“The baby,” he finally whispers, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Despite the fact that he has told no one save Bilbo about the baby, it is clearly time to come clean. Regardless of everything that has happened, he wants his child born hale and happy, for it is now truly his only reminder that Dwalin once loved him. 

“I’ll fetch Oin,” Bilbo says and then he’s gone, his large feet thudding down the hallway until they grow fainter and fainter. 

“The baby?” His mother asks in confusion, scooping him up into her arms like he was still a wee dwarfling that wanted nothing more than to be coddled. Her strength will never cease to amaze him. She carries him through the doorway of her private chambers and lays him down on the bed, resting on the edge beside him. “Sweetheart, you’re not making sense. You said something about a baby?”

“I’m with child,” he grits out as a fresh wave of excruciating pain washes over him. The knot in his chest has only tightened and his breaths are coming in sharp, wheezy gasps. He’s miscarrying his child; his lies and deception have cost him not only his marriage, but the life of his child as well.

“You’re pregnant?” Dis demands, her eyes sparking with sudden rage. She lifts her hand to swat him across the back of his head, much like she has done all his life, but her hand falters as he whimpers and curls in tighter on himself. Her hand drops to stroke his sweaty hair back instead. “You never thought to tell me? How could you have done such a foolish thing?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything,” Kili says. Her hand moves to wipe the tears away but fresh ones continue to replace them. The dam has broken and he cannot stop mourning his loss. She must have turned down the lights in the room because everything is grower dimmer and dimmer, the pain increasing in throbbing swells, crashing over his head until he is drowning on the pain. Death would be preferable to the fire that burns so brightly inside his body. 

“Where the fuck is Oin?” She shouts and he wants to tell her not to curse, she shouldn’t be so angry when he’s at fault, but everything goes blissfully black.

***

The first thing Kili acknowledges when he wakes is that the knot in his chest is gone and he can breathe again. He’s lying in his mother’s bed, and Bilbo is sitting beside him, brows furrowed in concentration as he reads a book. The rustling of the pages are soothing, but the scent of pipeweed smoke is not. He rolls over, blinking his eyes cautiously open, flexing his fingers and toes. He seems well enough.

Remembrance slams into his mind at that point, the cruel words Dwalin had shouted at him, the way he had _meant_ them, the way Kili’s body had burned inside. He jolts upright into a sitting position, his breath leaving him in a harsh gasp as his hands fly to his stomach, pressing underneath his shirt. There’s still a roundness to his skin, but he can’t feel any movement. 

“You’re all right,” Bilbo says gently, and he closes his book. “We had Oin come check you over and he gave you a clean bill of health.”

Kili sighs in relief, closing his eyes briefly in gratitude. His foolishness has not cost him everything, then. “The baby?”

“Oin believes everything is fine. It was a severe panic attack, not a miscarriage,” Bilbo says, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and he stands up. “Your anxiety made you sick to your stomach to the point where your innards cramped up. The child you carry is fine.”

“That’s good,” Kili says softly, his hands cradling the swell of his stomach safely in his hands. “That’s very good to hear.”

“Your mother is absolutely furious with you,” Bilbo warns, taking in another pull of the pipeweed. “I reckon she will be displeased with me as well, once she learns of my own deception.”

“I can’t worry about her anger, not when Dwalin is so angry,” Kili says. He needs to find Dwalin, he needs to apologize again and assure him that their baby is well, that _they_ are still well. That he wants to try again, they can be friends yet. “Where is he? Did he come?”

“We… well, we didn’t fetch him,” Bilbo says, avoiding his gaze. “Oin thought it to be best, as did your mother.”

“You don’t have say in such matters,” Kili says angrily, pulling the covers up higher around his waist. “None of you are the father to my child, Dwalin is. If there was a complication, or even a suspicion of one, he should have been made aware! He might be finished with our marriage, but he would not abandon our child.”

“Oin believed it best due to Dwalin’s temper, he thought you didn’t need any more negative energy surrounding you,” Bilbo says calming, taking another puff and he blows the smoke away from Kili. “He is the physician, we trusted his judgement.”

“Don’t smoke in front of me,” Kili says irritably, sliding back down on to his side and he rolls over until just his back faces Bilbo. “Where’s my mother?”

“I’m right here, you foolish idiot,” Dis says as she strides through the open doorway, her shoes clicking on the polished stone. She comes over to the edge of the bed and gazes down at him, her mouth pinched down into a frown. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I told Bilbo,” Kili says, because he hadn’t been a complete idiot regarding the whole matter.

“He swore me to secrecy, Dis,” Bilbo says quietly. “He ordered it as King.”

“And you listened to him? You’re just as stupid as he is, then,” she says, huffing out a breath of sarcastic laughter. “You listened to the whims of a child on a matter so serious? The heir of Erebor isn’t afforded secrecy, Bilbo.”

“He’s not a child, though,” Bilbo says and he rests his hand on Kili’s shoulder. His tone is calm and even-tempered, and Kili forgets his previous irritation with him and moves slightly closer. “Of course I listened to him, and you would have as well if you think about it. He’s the king.”

“He’s my _son_. That is my grandchild whose life you risked,” Dis snaps, folding her arms over her chest. “You should have told Oin, at the very least. You are king, which means you don’t get to keep such important matters like this close to your heart. You aren’t afforded a life of privacy and I will not apologize for it. This is your birthright; this is your child’s birthright that you have risked due to your stupidity! What if there is something wrong due to improper care?”

Kili feels his hackles rise, but he refuses to give in to his mother. She’s itching for a fight; she has confused fear and anger all his life, and he knows that when she is afraid, she shouts. Holding his ground is the only reasonable defense he has because she will take any scrap she can otherwise. He holds his belly tighter under the covers where she can’t see, silently willing his child to be perfectly healthy. 

“Oin would have told Dwalin, you know he would have.”

“Is there a particular reason that you did not want my brother to know?” It’s Balin speaking gently from the doorway. He’s standing there with Oin behind him, grave expressions on both of their faces. 

“He would have smothered me,” Kili says quietly, dropping his gaze because he’s unable to meet any of theirs. “He’s already overbearing, he would have become twice more and I couldn’t face that. Our relationship was already so precarious, I didn’t want to risk it further. I was going to tell him.”

“You hurt him,” Balin says softly, and Kili doesn’t need to hear his condescending words. He is aware of his mistake and he already knows that he has lost Dwalin, he doesn’t need his bloody Royal Advisor throwing the fact into his face so soon after events. 

“I am feeling much better,” he says, breathing deeply to keep his composure. If any of them suspect he’s on the brink of another panic attack, they’ll likely strap him down in the bed and force him to stay. He pushes the blankets off and climbs out of the bed, pausing to ensure he isn’t dizzy. “I’m retiring to my rooms for the evening. Balin, we have a Council meeting at the tenth bell tomorrow. Oin, please come to my chambers at the ninth. I have private matters to discuss with you.”

“You don’t get privacy,” Dis huffs impatiently. “We discussed this already.”

“I am the king and if I want privacy with my personal physician, then I will have it. Now excuse me, I am leaving.”

“You can’t be left alone,” Dis says forcefully. “Mahal knows you can’t be trusted. I will come spend the night with you, or perhaps you would rather Bilbo, since he seems rather apt at keeping your deceptions.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Kili says, unable to look at Bilbo who is staring shamed-faced down at the floor. He can’t handle his mother when she is in these moods, and he can’t bear the thought of spending the night with guilt-ridden Bilbo. “I won’t be alone. I’ll send for Ori or Gimli.”

“Neither of them are your mother,” she says, her mouth still turned downwards and the crease in her forehead radiates with stress, frustration, and disappointment. 

“Precisely,” Kili says quietly, because he doesn’t want to hurt her. He just doesn’t want to hear her say the words he already knows to be true, or have her continually scold him like he’s young. He already feels awful. “I need a friend right now. I’ve just lost… my husband,” he sucks in a deep breath, hating the way his voice cracks, “And possibly my child, as well.”

“The baby will be fine, Kili,” Oin says from where he’s still hovering behind Balin. “I did a few examinations and I have no reason to believe you injured him in any way.”

It’s an overwhelming wave of relief at that news. Perhaps Oin is wrong, it’s still early days and no one can be certain of anything. However, Kili would like to believe that it is true, that his child is fine, and he hasn’t ruined something else in his life. He will never forgive himself for any of this. Truly, a stolen moment of pleasure had not been worth all this heartache. 

“Thank you,” he says, pressing one hand against his stomach. “Please come to my chambers tomorrow at the ninth bell.”

“Of course,” Oin replies before he raises his voice a little. “Will you allow me to check you completely?”

“Yes,” Kili agrees, because he knows it’s probably time and he will feel more reassured if Oin has thoroughly looked him over. He bids everyone goodnight, ignoring the disapproval radiating from his mother. He’s just stepped into the hallway and closed the doors behind himself when he sees a flash of red hair. 

“Nori,” he says carefully, wanting to demand Nori to leave the Royal Apartments, to demand that he leaves Erebor once more. Selfishly, Kili regrets nothing in his punishment towards Nori. However, he can’t afford to be selfish anymore, not when he’s responsible for so much. 

“Kili,” Nori says, sweeping into a low bow. It feels vaguely mocking, but when he rises, there’s a bright smile on his face and not a trace of guilt. However, Kili knows that he’s a trained liar and he shouldn’t be trusted. 

“What brings you around?” Kili asks bluntly. He wants to hear it directly from Nori that Dwalin called for him, that Dwalin has refused Kili for once and for all and has moved on.

“Just came from Gimli’s rooms,” Nori says, nodding his head down the hallway to where Gimli and his parents have their own private chambers as cousins to the royal family. “Ori’s still in there. Gimli bought a new axe and was showing it off.”

“A new axe, I’m hardly surprised,” Kili says with a faint smile. It hurts his heart to speak of such mundane matters when really, it feels like he’s dying inside. He wants nothing more than to seek out Dwalin, curl up against him and whisper that he didn’t know what he had until it was gone. 

“I left because I was feeling a bit left out,” Nori says with a smile that’s as sharp as a blade. “I think your cousin’s got something for my brother.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me,” Kili says dryly, leaning against the wall and he crosses his arms. He’s still sore and balancing himself relieves some of the effort of staying upright. “Gimli always thought Ori was pretty, but Ori never spared a glance his way.”

“Not in that way, at any rate,” Nori corrects, because growing up, Gimli and Ori had both been good friends with the princes and the four of them had often gotten into trouble in Ered Luin. They had all endured many a lecture from Thorin, Gloin, Dori, Dis, Balin… the list was endless. All the older dwarves had shaken their heads in frustration at the four of them.

It’s all so different now.

“No, not in that way,” Kili agrees quietly, because back in Ered Luin, Ori hadn’t seen anything but Fili in a room. It was like his brother had been the sun and Ori was just slowly orbiting around him, everything else fading into the background. It had frustrated Kili a great deal when he was younger and had no concept of love, but now it simply makes him envious. 

If only he could be Dwalin’s sun once more.

“Nothing will happen,” Nori warns, flicking his hair behind his shoulder. He’s dressed in regular street clothes, his uniform as Spymaster gone. “I hope your cousin knows that.”

Kili knows that Nori doesn’t fully trust Gimli, mostly because he doesn’t know him that well. Nori had been gone too often from Ered Luin, visiting only in the dead of the night, the suspicious ‘Ri brother that would sneak in and out under Dwalin’s nose. When it had come to the quest, Gloin had been firm in his decision that his only child would not join, and Thorin had backed him. Ori had gone because Dori had signed up, and Ori had no other family besides his brothers. Originally, Thorin had only planned to take Fili, but he had quickly learned that Kili had earned the nickname ‘Fili’s shadow’ fair and square. 

“Gimli grew up with us, he knows that Ori ever only saw Fili,” Kili replies, and it feels odd to not only say his brother’s name so casually in conversation, but to be having that conversation with Nori of all dwarves. “Knowing my cousin as well as I do, he’s probably just bored and wanting to flirt. Ori will let him know if he should lay off, I imagine.”

“Of course he will, he’s a ‘Ri, ain’t he?” Nori laughs, his teeth sharp in the light. “We make ourselves quite clear.”

“You really do,” Kili says softly, before he pushes himself away from the wall. “I should go see this new axe of Gimli’s. It’s been awhile since I have spoken to either of them.”

“Of course, I’m sorry to keep you,” Nori pauses before he adds, “I’m not going to Dwalin’s rooms, in case you were wondering. I will keep my word to you, Kili.” 

“Thank you,” Kili says, even though it doesn’t matter anymore. The little claim he had over Dwalin is long gone and Dwalin would be well within his right to seek Nori out before morning’s light . 

Nori stops at the corner of the hallway and turns, a small smile playing around the corner of his mouth. “Congratulations, I should say.”

“I have not yet told anyone,” Kili says, his face reddening and he ducks his head. Nori earned the title Spymaster well, it would appear. 

“When you leaned against the wall, your shirt pulled tight,” Nori says , gesturing to Kili’s midsection that is not its usual, lithe self. “It’s not a secret you can keep much longer.”

“No, I should say not,” Kili says ruefully, his hand unconsciously going to rub against the swell. He’s embarrassed by the attention, but should Oin be correct and everything be all right with the child, he will have to grow used to the attention that it will bring. There has not been a pregnant King Under the Mountain in centuries. 

“I am happy for you, truly, I am,” Nori says and when Kili meets his gaze, there’s nothing to indicate otherwise. 

“Thank you, Nori,” he says simply, raising his hand in farewell before he hurries down the hallway and pushes unannounced into Gimli’s rooms. 

Gimli is reclining on a long sofa, a table full of mead, bread and cheeses spread out in front of him. He's got the new axe leaning against the arm of the couch, the blade pressed into the velvet cushion for protection. Ori's sitting opposite of him, drinking tea out of a mug that's so large it requires the use of both hands. They're mid-laugh when he enters, Ori doing the endearing little snort he does when he's truly amused. 

"Am I interrupting?" He asks quietly, because things have been so strained lately. He's eager to get his friendships back, he's going to need them more than ever in the upcoming months. If Dwalin isn't going to come around and see reason , his friends will be all he has. 

"Kili!" Gimli's the first to acknowledge him, swinging his legs on to the floor and he pushes himself into a sitting position. "What are you doing here? I heard you were ill."

"Ill?" Ori repeats sharply, and he looks critically at Kili. "Are you ill? If you are, you should really be in bed resting! You can't come down with something, not when we've got so much work ahead of us. Has Oin seen you?"

Kili can't help but smile because there's something comforting in the way his friends mother-hen him, rather than the way his actual mother does it. "I'm not seriously ill," he says, sitting down beside Gimli and he sinks back into the soft cushions. "Oin has looked me over and yes, I'm fine."

"It didn't sound fine," Gimli says suspiciously, grabbing the staff of the axe and he pulls it forward so he can show it off. "Look at what I bought. Cost me a pretty penny, I'll grant you that, but I think it'll be worth it. We should spar tomorrow, I want to try it out."

"Kili can't spar, not if he's _ill_ ," Ori says in a scandalized voice. "Not to mention, he shouldn't spar with you anyway. You get far too zealous with those axes, you're likely to take his poor head off."

"Yes, because I'm certainly known for beheading kings, it's such a terrible habit of mine," Gimli drawls, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, Ori. You're such a poor sport sometimes."

"I'm a good sport," Ori protests, clutching his mug tighter closer to his chest. "Just because I'm looking out for Kili's welfare doesn't mean I'm a poor sport. I'd spar with you, you know, if you'd bloody well ask me."

"Yes, because I'd really ask you," Gimli smirks, spinning the staff and catching it before it falls. "You think I'm so heartless that I would take advantage of you like that?"

"You think you can beat me so easily?" Ori scowls at that and slams his mug of tea down, the liquid sloshing over the ceramic lip. "I'd like to see you try!"

"Bring your little sling shot, my love, and we'll see what I can do," Gimli laughs, his deep, belly laugh that echoes across the room. 

"I can use more than a sling shot," Ori shouts, although judging by the small smile on his lips, Kili knows that he's not seriously angry. "I learned how to use multiple weapons on the quest... something you'd know if you had been invited!"

"That's low!" Gimli exclaims, but he's still laughing. He passes the staff over to Kili to inspect and pours himself another goblet of wine. "Do you want some, Kili?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Kili says, dragging his thumb along the intricate carving in the wooden staff. It's masterfully crafted, and he's not surprised that it came with a hefty price tag. It will hold up well in battle. "And I'm not scared of you, I'd gladly spar with you."

"Excellent!" Gimli beams, settling back on the couch. "Do you have free time tomorrow? I know you're busy, but surely you can fit in a match with an old friend."

"I would, but my sparring days are over for the time being," Kili admits, because this is the time to tell them, this is the perfect window of opportunity to tell them except he doesn't know how. He's ashamed now that he's kept it hidden so long, but they're his friends, surely they will realize that he was afraid and did what he thought best at the time. 

"You love sparring," Gimli says skeptically, taking another swallow of the wine and some drips out on his beard. "Don't tell me that Balin is restricting the fun you're allowed even more. I think you ought to dismiss Balin and hire me instead! I'll be your Royal Advisor!"

Ori laughs so hard that the wine he's just sipped comes out his nose and he's left holding it, moaning about his pain. 

"No, Balin hasn't restricted me," Kili says with a grin before he sobers up and rests his hand on the curve of his stomach. "The truth is... I'm with child, and I shouldn't partake in anything strenuous. I believe Oin would frown upon sparring."

Gimli and Ori both fall silent at that, gaping at him, but it's Ori who finally breaks the silence, bursting into thick, gulping tears . He stumbles over to their couch and throws his arms around Kili, hugging him as tightly as he can around the neck until Kili is sure that he can't breathe. 

"Oh, Kili! I'm just so happy for you!" Ori blubbers, his tears dripping all over Kili's clean shirt. "I have prayed and I have _prayed_ and... a baby! Kili!"

"I know," Kili says weakly, returning the hug and he pats Ori's back. "Trust me, I know."

"Dwalin went and did it, did he?" Gimli says and there's a wicked glint in his eye. "Now that we all know it's definitely happened, let's hear some details."

"I am not sharing any details, especially not with a gossipy hen like yourself," Kili says sternly. He replays his time with Dwalin over and over in his mind, wound on a loop and it gets him through some lonely nights. 

"How far along are you?" Ori asks, releasing his hold on him, but he stays close, curling against Kili's side and he's beaming widely. 

"Round nine weeks," Kili says, unable to meet their gazes because they'll be so angry that he's kept it from them for this long, that he hasn't told them the truth. 

"Enough to suspect, but not far enough for Oin to confirm," Ori says instead, nodding his head and surprising Kili completely. "You haven't told very many people, have you?"

"No, very few, actually," Kili says ruefully. He pauses, running his hand through his dark hair before he sighs. He needs to come completely clean with his friends. Gimli and Ori are the closest things he has to confidences and everyone needs someone to confide in, even kings. "I only recently told Dwalin. He's furious."

"Why is he angry?" Gimli asks, raising a bushy red eyebrow. "You'd think the dolt would be so pleased at putting a babe in you."

"I should have told him the first moment I suspected, I shouldn't have hid it from him," Kili says, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. He should confide completely in them, but they'll think less of him, they'll be disappointed in him and he is so tired of disappointing people. 

"He'll come around quickly," Gimli says confidently. "Once you begin to show and he's able to feel all smug, he'll forget that he was ever upset with you."

"I don't think he will," Kili says quietly, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly through his nostrils. "You see, the truth is, I lied to him. I deceived Dwalin terribly and he will not forgive me for it, nor should he."

"What did you do, Kili?" Ori asks softly, resting his hand on Kili's back and he begins to rub between his shoulder blades.

"I didn't realize that pregnancy would change me so much," Kili says, digging his thumbnail into the meat of his palm. The pain is distracting him and allowing him to speak the truth, even if his voice is mundane and flat. "I didn't know that I would crave... sex. And I didn't think Dwalin would agree to it. We have such an unconventional marriage and it felt wrong to ask him for something I've been denying him for years, simply because of pregnancy."

"What dwarf would turn down the offer of sex? I can tell by the direction of this story that we're going to need more wine," Gimli snorts , standing and pouring wine into three goblets before passing them around and resuming his seat. "So, go on. What else happened?"

"I lied and told him the pregnancy hadn't taken and we would have to do it again," Kili says, his voice cracking. He takes a long, fortifying gulp of the wine. "So we did, and it was amazing. But I shouldn't have done it because he knows now that it worked the first time, that I _lied_."

"Oh, Kili," Ori murmurs, his hand stilling for a moment before resuming its steady, calming strokes. "How did he respond?"

"We are finished, he and I," Kili says, exhaling a shuddery breath. "He will remain Consort for Erebor, but any alliance we had is truly done."

"You really can't seem to win," Gimli says cynically, taking a sip of his own wine. "I mean, you finally have the heir, the whole point of this marriage and now the marriage is over."

"He spoke from hurt and anger," Ori says bracingly. "Once the anger has faded, he will come around. Any dwarf can see how much he loves you."

"He does not love me after all this," Kili says, setting the goblet aside. He's drank the wine too quickly and it feels heavy in his stomach, sloshing in waves . "There is hurt you can recover from and then there is hurt that will haunt you for the rest of your days. I fear this is the latter. "

"What are you going to do?" Ori asks. 

"Nothing, there's nothing I can do," Kili says, shrugging his shoulders. "I suppose I will focus on this baby and then turn my attention to Erebor once more. Dwalin and I have spent most of our marriage living apart, this will be all too familiar for us."

"I'm sorry it's come to this," Gimli says, clasping his hand briefly on Kili's shoulder with a tight squeeze. "I would not have wished this for you, cousin."

"It won't last forever," Ori says, forever optimistic . "There is happiness for you in your future, Kili. I can sense it, deep in my bones."

"It is what it is," Kili says, aiming for indifferent, but he's sure he fools no one for surely the sound of his heart breaking within his chest is as loud as the stone giants battling for dominance. 

The weeks will bleed together, fused together with Dwalin's absence and silence. They will revert back to their previous stance of not speaking, even as Dwalin stays away longer and longer, and Kili's belly grows bigger and bigger. Any alliance they had will seem truly done and yet, Kili's heart will begin to yearn for more.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you the misery was coming to an end! Hurrah!

At first, Kili isn't sure what wakes him. His senses come screaming awake and he sits up in bed, drawing the dagger out of the sheath he keeps underneath his pillow. Before his eyes can adjust to the darkness, though, there is sharp, stinging pain in his left wrist as the blade is knocked from his grasp and a strong hold is pinning his arm down. He begins to struggle then, attempting to roll to his knees to give himself an advantage, but a fist connects solidly with his side and his breath leaves him in a jagged gasp. He sags, just for a moment, but it's a moment too long because now his other wrist is restrained and there is a weight as heavy as stone sitting on his chest. 

Kili fights even more then, wriggling as hard as he can in the hopes to knock the stranger off his chest. Instead, a fist thumps him hard against his left ear and briefly, Kili sees stars. He falls still on the bed, his heart pounding anxiously in his chest. 

"Release me," he demands, his voice still sleep raspy. He strains his eyes in the darkness, desperate to get a glimpse of his assailant. "My guards are on their way."

"There is no one coming to save you," a low voice says. It's deep, definitely male, but it is not one that he recognizes. In the darkness with all his senses disoriented, he always cannot discern between dwarf, elf, or Man. His attacker could be any of the three. "Your guard lays in the hallway, his blood painting the floor."

Kili feels ill for a moment, his mind racing as he tries to remember who was on guard tonight and whether or not they were a friend. His mind is foggy though and so he turns his attention on to something more important - figuring a way to escape. His assailant is sitting more on his chest than the swell of his belly, which he is thankful for, but it is causing him difficulty in breathing. 

"What are your demands?" He asks flatly, testing the restraints holding his wrists, but it causes white hot pain so he falls still once more. "If you desire gold, release me and I will pay your ransom handsomely."

"You think I seek gold? If I wanted your gold, _princeling_ , I would simply steal into your store rooms and take what I please. No, I do not desire your gold."

"I haven't been a prince in two years," Kili bites out, his heart flaring at the familiar and safe title that he used to bear. "It would appear that you have missed that small detail which leads me to believe you are new to Erebor."

There's mocking laughter from above him before the voice snarls, "Nay, I call you princeling for you shall never be a king. You have been a poor one to this point and from here forward, you shall be no more."

"You cannot kill me," Kili starts and the stranger tightens his hold. "I am King Under the Mountain! My blood is sacred. "

"Your blood will be drained from your body," the voice murmurs lowly in his ear and cold metal is pressed against the curve of Kili's throat. "I will gladly greet this blood of yours ."

Kili swallows hard and feels a warm trickle down his skin. The blade digs deeper and drags along his skin, the warm, wet sensation spreading on his neck, dripping lower until the sheets below him are damp.

He, and his unborn child, are to die in this bed unless he is able to think of something. If he shouts, his throat will be truly sliced and he won't just drip on the sheets, he will soak them as he bleeds out in a heartbeat. He cannot squirm out from underneath the figure, the weight is too much and if he strains too much, he risks damage to the babe. He is truly trapped, exactly as it was intended, he imagines. 

A wave of helplessness washes over him, leaving him gasping for breath. Cold sweat breaks out over his naked skin as the dagger presses in deeper against his skin. Kili gurgles in protest, his legs twitching in defiance. Pale light suddenly spills into the room, illuminating their forms on the bed and a tall figure bearing a war hammer steps forward with a bellow. 

The weight on his chest vanishes as the male dwarf - and he can see him clearly in the light now - leaps from the bed, brandishing his dagger. Kili rolls over on to all fours and gasps for air, reaching up to touch his throat and his hand comes away dripping wet. Dwalin's voice penetrates through the fog in his mind and he has never heard the warrior sound so furious before, not even after everything Kili has put him through. There's a sound of metal clashing together and then a pained noise. Kili forces himself to his knees, balancing his wavering form with one hand pressed against his red soaked sheets. 

"You have no right!" Dwalin bellows and in Kili's peripheral view, he sees the war hammer swing down. It catches the intruder in his bicep and with a muffled curse, he leaps backwards, out of Dwalin's reach. 

"He and his unholy spawn deserve to die!"

"The only one who will be dying today is you," Dwalin says, swinging the war hammer again although this time, the intruder ducks and darts out of harm's way. It only fuels Dwalin's rage even more and he bellows furiously. "How dare you think you can touch him!"

"I'm fine," Kili says, although it comes out in a hoarse whispers and he falls face first into the bed, the smell of blood making him retch. "Dwalin..."

"He's mine," Dwalin snarls and something twists tightly inside of Kili's chest. "I have wedded and bedded him and _he is mine_."

"Dwalin," Kili gasps, his vision beginning to grow blurry. He cups one hand over his belly, pressing against the swell and silently wills his child be okay. He's growing afraid, though, afraid these are his last moments and Dwalin will never meet their son. 

One final strike and the intruder is down, his size can't begin to be comparable to Dwalin's, who has always been a formidable opponent. Dwalin is shouting still for reasons Kili can't understand and the door is opening further, light pouring into the room as lamps are lit. 

"He's bleeding badly," Ori says grimly, hurrying into Kili's line of sight and Kili smiles at the sight of his dear friend. "We need Oin!"

"Ori," he says, except it comes out as a slur. 

"Don't leave me, Kili," Dwalin says desperately, appearing in his wavering gaze and he reaches for Kili's hand, holding it tightly. "Oin is coming as fast as he can. Hold on, please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I was so late. Don't leave me."

"My place... is with you," Kili manages to murmur before his eyes roll backwards in his head and everything goes startlingly black.

***

When Kili first wakes, he is immediately tempted to fall back asleep. Opening his eyes taxes him of the little energy he has so he lets his eyes fall shut, the murmur of voices washing over him. He can feel a hand pick up his own and he curls his fingers weakly around, holding on. 

"Dwalin," he whimpers, trying to make his fingers cooperate and tighten his grip. 

"I'm sorry, it's Ori," Ori says softly, his thumb moving in slow circles against Kili's knuckles. It's oddly relaxing. 

"Dwalin?"

"Dwalin's not here right now," Ori says, and there's a slight edge to his voice that Kili _knows_ is important, but everything hurts. "He's handling a matter. I'm so glad to see you awake, though. You've been sleeping for days."

"Dwalin," he says again, because he needs to convey how important it is that Dwalin is here beside him. Instead, he slips away into sleep once more and misses Ori's response.

When he wakes for a second time, he is alone in a bed that is not his. He has only spent one night in this bed before, and even then he would not consider it a full evening. His face reddens at the memory of it. He is in Dwalin's chambers. 

"Dwalin," he calls, because surely if he is in Dwalin's bedroom, then he must be near. Kili really hopes that he's close by. 

The door opens and Kili's heart leaps in his chest, but it's not Dwalin that enters the room. It's Nori sliding through the opening and shutting the door behind himself. He crosses the room to sit on the edge of the bed, his face drawn in seriousness. 

"How are you?"

"Tired," Kili says, swallowing hard. Every breath feels like a struggle and it doesn't make sense to him until he lifts his hand to his throat and feels the binding of cloth. He scrabbles at it, trying to loosen it, and snarls at Nori when the red-headed dwarf attempts to pull his hands away. 

"Don't try to bite me!" Nori snaps impatiently. "Leave the bindings alone, you're fortunate you didn't bleed out to death. Oin had to stitch your throat up."

Kili shudders hard at the thought of it and pulls away from Nori, his energy spent. He lays listlessly on the bed, staring up at the stone ceiling. How many times had his uncle laid on this bed and looked upwards? What thoughts had consumed Thorin then? His hands slide under the blankets and he cradles his extended belly in his hands. Is the little spark inside of him still burning brightly?

"Where's Dwalin?" He finally asks, his voice scraping past his raw throat. "Why isn't he here?"

"Dwalin is occupied," Nori says, and he's unable to meet his gaze. It hits Kili then that something serious is going on in his kingdom and he is completely unaware of it. 

"I'll go find him," Kili decides, trying to push himself into an upright position. 

Nori snorts and leans forward, pushing Kili back down on to the cool sheets. "You will do no such thing," he says, reaching for a goblet that is sitting beside the bed and he tilts it towards Kili's mouth. "Have a sip of this. Oin said it will soothe your throat, which must be sore."

Kili opens his mouth and takes a small sip of the sweet liquid. It bursts freshly on his tongue and he takes two more long swallows, ignoring the laughter from Nori. Almost immediately after swallowing he can feel the liquid coursing through his veins, sapping him of the little energy he had left. He glares up at Nori and his betrayal . 

"It will help you sleep," Nori soothes, sweeping Kili's hair back from his face and he trails his thin fingers down Kili's face, brushing his eyelids shut. Kili doesn't have the strength to argue, not when the darkness is claiming him once more. 

When he wakes for the third time, the first thing he realizes is that he's not alone in the bed. A figure is pressed against the length of his body, a hand curled into his shirttails. He makes a startled noise and gently rolls away so he is able to sit up. To his complete surprise, Dwalin is laying beside him, a dark bruise spread along his temple and an angry gash on the curve of his skull. He slumbers deeply, his snores raising and lowering his chest, his brows furrowed even in sleep. 

The relief Kili feels when he sees him is overwhelming and he doesn't hesitate in laying back down beside him, resting his head against the edge of Dwalin's pillow. A warm sense of security washes over him. As long as Dwalin is here, Kili is safe. Dwalin hadn't hesitated in risking his own life to save Kili's. He had acted like a friend, like a companion... like a true husband would. 

The thought draws him up into a startled upright position. He delves deep into his heart and mind and thinks about when he first began to truly cherish Dwalin. Their weekly hunting traditions had been the start of it all. Suddenly Dwalin hadn't seemed so fearsome. They had spent countless times roaming the outside of the mountain and that's when Kili had first realized how _kind_ Dwalin was. However, if he had to pinpoint a moment where everything had _shifted_ , it was when he realized he was carrying a child that was made of the best of them both and Dwalin was gone. It was truly not until Kili had lost something that he realized just how valuable it was to him. 

It was then that Kili realized just how much he needed Dwalin. 

Perhaps love isn't so unattainable for him, he thinks as he looks down at Dwalin. Perhaps his marriage could be a happy one yet. Dwalin had claimed him the night of the attack. He had made a claim that went beyond propriety for the nobles of Erebor. No, he had claimed Kili as his own. 

Did he mean it? They have scarcely spoken since Dwalin had learned of his betrayal. Contrary to what Ori believed, Dwalin had not come around. He had remained angry and Kili had not faulted him for it. He had done Dwalin a great disservice, had embarrassed him. So when they were near each other for various matters of the kingdom, Kili followed Dwalin's lead and did not speak to him. 

The night of the attack, though, Dwalin had come to his rescue. He had defended him further than what was necessary of a warrior, he had protected him as a husband. Perhaps Kili is remembering it wrong, his memory of the attack is still fuzzy, but he feels so sure, deep in his bones, that he had heard fierce love in Dwalin's voice that night. He might be wrong, and perhaps Dwalin will still consider them finished, but if there is a hope, Kili will cling to it with his dying breath. 

He gently traces his fingertips over Dawlin's jaw, getting caught up in the thick, wiry hair of his beard. At the soft touch, Dwalin lets out a murmur and presses further under the blankets, his hand reaching out over the sheets, seeking, curling around Kili's shirt once more. He calms immediately, his brow evening out and he sighs softly in his sleep. He looks much younger than his years when he's asleep, he looks vulnerable and suddenly, desperately, Kili yearns to care for him. 

"Dwalin?" He whispers cautiously. He hates to wake the warrior who is most likely exhausted, but Kili has questions and it appears nobody sa ve Dwalin will answer them. He drops his hand to rest on Dwalin's shoulder and gives him a gentle nudge. "Dwalin, are you awake?"

Dwalin's eyes fly open and he's sitting up, a blade pulled from underneath the pillow. He's panting, his eyes roaming wildly around the room and Kili scrabbles away from him, lest he accidently get caught on the tip. Dwalin's eyes settle on him and he exhales heavily, dropping the blade beside the bed. 

"You're awake," he says gruffly, lifting a tattooed hand to knuckle at his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry to disturb you," Kili says, feeling a bit foolish and the back of his neck feels hot. "Everything is okay, there's no danger."

"Good... that's good," Dwalin rumbles, looking around suspiciously once more before he drops back down on the bed and closes his eyes. "Sleep, you need it."

"What happened to your face?" Kili asks, reaching out and he brushes against the cut on Dwalin's skull. "Where were you? I asked for you - multiple times - and nobody would tell me where you were!"

"I was busy," Dwalin says, reaching up and he catches Kili's hand in his own, drawing it back down into his lap before releasing it. His eyes linger on the bandages wound tightly around Kili's throat and his mouth pinches flatly. "Are you in pain?"

"No," Kili says, because his throat itches more than it aches. He wants to unwrap it so he can dig his nails into his skin and satisfy the burn underneath. "What happened to... the dwarf? "

Dwalin looks away from him and exhales sharply. "You don't need to worry about him," he says quietly. "He will never hurt anyone again. Focus on resting and regaining your strength.”

His hand makes a move towards Kili's stomach, but he pulls it back before there's contact. Kili pauses before he reaches for Dwalin's hand and he guides it closer, curling his fingers flat and he presses Dwalin's palm against the swell of his belly. 

"He's still there," he whispers, looking down to where Dwalin's hand is touching him because he can't bear to look at Dwalin's face right now. "I haven't felt him since the attack, but I wasn't feeling him all the much to begin with so I am choosing to believe he is all right."

Dwalin's hand spasms against his skin and he pulls it back. "Like I said, he won't be able to hurt anyone ever again."

Kili narrows his eyes at the admission. "What has been done? Nobody will give me answers and I want to know everything. And how have you been injured so?"

Dwalin rolls into a sitting position and smoothes his palm over his beard, which Kili can now see at a closer angle that it's matted with blood. He must see something in Kili's gaze, perhaps his desperation, because he finally nods his head and says, "The dwarf that attacked you was named Khim . From what we have learned, he desired the throne for his own and had formed a small rebellion."

Kili frowns at the information, trying to place a dwarf named Khim, but eventually he has to shake his head and give up. He doesn't know Khim, nor his family. He's not surprised that a rebellion has formed, though. Restorations have taken longer than planned and they have parted with more gold than originally intended. There have been grumblings in Erebor over that, but Kili knows it can't be helped. 

It's all cursed gold, anyway. 

"So killing me and my child would allow him to over-throw the throne and become King," he says, unease twisting low in his gut. "And because I am certain there are guards who know we sleep apart, he imagined he would be able to slit my throat and be gone before anyone discovered me. He must have an inside connection within the guards, then."

"He did," Dwalin confirms heavily, shifting a pillow under his back so he's slouched against the ornate headboard. "His accomplice was Roin, a young guard. He was a part of the rebellion and I'm sorry to say he snuck in under my nose. I will be more diligent in the future."

"Where is he now?" Kili questions, trying to subtly shift his leg over so his toes can lightly press against the hem of Dwalin's pants. He needs to be close. It's the most they have spoken in weeks and Kili is starved for Dwalin's affections. 

"Khim and Roin have been captured, Khim the night it happened and Roin the following day. Under my orders, they both received public executions," Dwalin says and his tone has shifted into something a bit more defensive. There hasn't been a public execution in... well, Kili has never seen or heard of one, and he's over eighty.

"I am not angry you have done it," Kili says, because he trusts Dwalin's judgement better than his own. "I'm only sorry to have missed it."

"Balin and I warred over the decision, all the Council did," Dwalin admits. "Majority of them were against it, but I made the final decision. I want everyone to know what happens when you make an attempt on the life of my King and child. It will spread throughout the land so all may know justice is done in Erebor."

Kili flushes at the possessive term, but he doesn't comment on it. Not when it makes his stomach swirl so pleasantly. "Now, should any dwarf, elf, or Man be thinking of such an act, perhaps this will dissuade them," he suggests. 

"If it doesn't then they will receive the same fate," Dwalin says darkly and his hands tighten into fists on the sheets. "This is an act most foul, most cowardly and we will not stand for it."

"How did you do it?" Kili asks, desperately trying to not be pleased by Dwalin's anger, because it's not over _him_ specifically. It's because somebody tried to harm the King of Erebor and Dwalin will not tolerate it. 

"They were chained to stakes in the First Market," Dwalin says, referring to the most common market that Erebor has. There's not a dwarf who does not pass through it on a daily basis. "They were then split from navel to neck and draped in their intestines. They were left for the crows to feast on their innards." 

Kili winces and feels slightly queasy. He's been through battle, blood and gore are facts of life he can handle, but since becoming pregnant, he's been more sensitive than usual. It's a gruesome way to die and he is suddenly thankful that Fili had not suffered so. He must have made a noise of some sort for Dwalin is reaching over and holding Kili's hand gently in his own. He stares at the contrast of sizes and curls his fingers around Dwalin's, holding on. 

He likes the feel of Dwalin holding his hand. 

"I'm sorry," Dwalin says quickly. "I did not mean to upset you."

"You didn't," Kili reassures him, reaching with his free hand and he rests it on the top of his belly, rubbing gently. "I'm just a little more sensitive lately, that's all. The rebellion group, though. Tell me about them, how did they handle the executions?"

"That's how I received these wounds," Dwalin says, his thumb brushing gently over Kili's thumbnail and he tries to ignore the way his body breaks out in shivers. "The rebellion tried to forge on ahead, without a leader, and attempted to start another battle. They were thoroughly, and swiftly, thwarted. The dwarves of Erebor made it abundantly clear that they will serve none save you."

Kili feels heat blossoming in his chest and he can't stop the small smile that steals over his face. It had never been his desire to be King and he has sacrificed so much for Erebor. It is rewarding to know that his people are pleased with him and want no other. Despite the suffering, he is doing something right for them. 

"I am glad to hear of it," he says instead. He reaches up with his free hand and touches the angry wound on Dwalin's scalp. "Still, are you pained? Has Oin checked you over?"

"I came straight to bed, you were unconscious for almost three days and a lot happened in that time. I hardly slept," Dwalin says, brushing Kili's hand away. "I'm fine. It's hardly a scratch."

Kili scowls at him and jerks his hand away from Dwalin's grip. Now that he's beginning to realize just how much he needs Dwalin, the fact that he would be so precarious with his health is maddening. "If you had any brains, they'd be leaking out," he snaps. "I'm calling for Oin. I'll feel better once I know that he has at least looked you over."

"Absolutely not," Dwalin says stubbornly, his brow beginning to furrow. "I'm fine. Lay back down and sleep, you need your rest."

"Guard!" Kili shouts, because he is fairly confident that their guard duty is at least doubled, Dwalin would not be sleeping otherwise. He would also bet his crown that they will be from the company. 

"Stop that!"

The door swings open and Nori hesitantly sticks his head in, sliding in entirely when Kili beckons for him. Behind him, Kili can see Bifur and Bofur against the wall, weapons in their hands. 

"Yes?"

"We're in need of Oin, can you please fetch him?" 

"Nori, go away," Dwalin instructs harshly and he glares at Kili. "We're fine."

"Nori, find Oin," Kili counters, returning the glare as hard as he can. Dwalin's such a stubborn dwarf and he reminds Kili so much of Thorin in this moment that it's a physical ache in the chest. "Please," he says, his voice cracking.

Nori looks back and forth between the pair of them, his brows furrowed in confusion. "I could go away... and find Oin ?" He says hesitantly. 

"Yes," Kili says swiftly, before Dwalin has a chance to reply and tell him no. "Tell Oin he is needed in my chambers immediately."

"These are technically _my_ chambers," Dwalin says grumpily, shuffling down on the bed and he glares up at the ceiling. 

"Fine, Oin is needed in Dwalin's chambers immediately," Kili amends. 

Nori glances at Dwalin once more, but when Kili scowls his features, Nori bolts out of the door, shutting it behind himself. Kili smirks in satisfaction, because it doesn't matter that Dwalin is older than him and knows worlds more than he does. At the end of the day, Kili's heart still beats and therefore, his word is still law. 

"I'm not dying," Dwalin mutters, reaching for the blankets and he pulls them up high on his chest, closing his eyes. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Do what you please, but Oin is still stitching up your head," Kili says smugly. "He can do it whether you're awake or not."

"You're impossible," Dwalin says with his eyes still closed, but there's a curve to his lips so Kili knows that he's not really upset. "You're like him."

"Him?" Kili frowns, wrinkling his nose in puzzlement. "I'm like who?"

"Thorin, " Dwalin replies, opening his eyes and his mouth blooms into a rare, happy smile. "You remind me so much of him. It's beautiful."

Kili makes a startled noise, turns completely red, and leans forward without giving himself time to think. He presses their lips together awkwardly, landing more on Dwalin's chin than his mouth, but he's _trying_. Dwalin stills under him before he slowly reaches up, his hand gentle against the back of Kili's head. He guides him carefully until their mouths are slotted perfectly together and Dwalin's capturing Kili's bottom lip between his teeth. 

Dwalin pulls back sooner than Kili would like, but concern is written on his face which stops Kili from leaning forward again. He doesn't like the look on Dwalin's face, he can practically _see_ the cogs in Dwalin's brain turning. He leans away and plays with the blanket, unable to meet his gaze. 

"I don't want to hurt you," Dwalin says, his hand still on the back of Kili's head but it slides down and around to gently brush against his bandages. "Are you all right?"

"I'm okay," Kili says softly, reaching up to feel the bindings himself, they feel crusty with blood. 

Dwalin's hand catches his own, tangling their fingers together and he uses it to pull Kili back in, capturing his mouth once more. "Thank you for not leaving me," he whispers against his lips and for the first time since he was attacked, Kili feels their son kick. 

He pulls back with a sharp gasp and draws their hands to his stomach, splaying their fingers against the skin. "He's kicking," he says in awe, and it's the clearest he has ever felt such movement. "Can you feel him? Dwalin, can you feel him move?"

"I don't want to hurt you," Dwalin says hesitantly, his brows furrowed and he shakes his head. "No, I can't feel him, though."

"Press harder, you won't hurt him," Kili says, pressing Dwalin's hand firmly against his belly. He waits, trying to inhale and exhale slowly and suddenly, there's a kick, followed by another one. The purest smile of joy breaks out of Dwalin's face and his hand spasms against Kili. 

"Aye, I felt him," he says and his voice catches in his throat. "I felt him, Kili."

Laughter bubbles out of Kili and he leans back into kiss him again. It feels completely natural, it feels like he's been waiting his whole life to share these moments with Dwalin. He slides his hand around Dwalin's neck and hauls himself closer, keeping Dwalin's hand resting on his stomach. 

Dwalin returns the kiss, his teeth catching Kili's bottom lip in a nip before his tongue is seeking entrance, sliding wetly against Kili's own. It shouldn't make his toes curl, the way Dwalin's tongue explores his mouth so slowly, but it does - and more. Dwalin's tongue has a life of its own and it strokes Kili's own tongue to life, winding the pair of them together and despite everything they've been through, it's the most erotic thing that has ever happened to Kili. 

Dwalin is the first to move back and the smile from his face has faded. Instead, he's frowning once more and he draws his hand out of underneath Kili's shirt and settles it in his own lap. "We should probably talk," he says softly. 

"I'm sorry," Kili says, because he's had nothing but time the past few days to realize how many mistakes he has made and what he truly wants out of this life. This is his only chance and while a marriage to Dwalin might not have been his original plan, it has become his life and he wants them to be happy so desperately that he can almost taste it. 

"Don't apologize for the kiss," Dwalin says, the tip of his ears turning pink. "I kissed you back."

"I'm not apologizing for the kiss," Kili says quietly and he reaches for Dwalin's hand once more, curling their fingers together. "I'm apologizing for lying to you. I should have been honest with you from the beginning and I regret it so. I should have told you that I suspected I was pregnant. I shouldn't have tricked you into bed."

There's silence for a moment and when Kili dares to look over at Dwalin, he's staring at the wall with bright, shiny eyes. "My heart broke when I learned that there had been a babe all along," he finally says gruffly. "It's not just the deceit that hurt. It was the knowledge that I have done everything in my power, often at the sake of my own happiness, to bring you joy, and yet you have no trust in your heart for me at all."

"I have no excuse," Kili says and his heart desperately hurts at the pain he has unnecessarily caused Dwalin. All their marriage he has been so cruel to him, it a miracle from Mahal himself that Dwalin is still willing to speak to him. "I didn't know how to ask you for your love."

"I never wanted to have you feel pressured," Dwalin says, giving Kili's hand a gentle squeeze. "But I would have given you my love every single day if you had asked. Don't you know that by now, Kili? There is nothing I won't give you."

"You, all I want is you," Kili confesses and this time it's Dwalin leaning in to kiss him. He slides his free hand along Kili's jaw and tilts his head back to give himself better access. Kili has no complaints, he moves willingly under Dwalin's direction and opens his mouth, sliding his tongue along Dwalin's. 

"Oh goodness!" There's a yelp from the doorway and Kili jerks back in shock, whipping his head to see who has disturbed them. Bilbo stands at the door, his round face bright red and there's Oin and Nori behind him, although neither of them look overly surprised. 

"I believe you wanted me to look at a wound?" Oin says calmly, but Kili doesn't miss the twitch of his lips and he knows the older dwarf is just moments away from laughing. 

"Just a scratch on my head," Dwalin says and he doesn't pull his hand away from Kili's. Instead, he tightens his grip and smiles reassuringly at him. "My husband cares greatly for my safety, though. I appreciate his concern."

"I've got to, haven't I?" Kili says. Even though his face is heating up with mortification and _Nori_ lurking in the room and Bilbo's still fanning himself by the door, he's never felt happier. "We need you around, this babe and I. You have no idea how much we depend on you."

"I'm beginning to," Dwalin says with a smile and he leans forward, ducking away from Oin's professional touch, just to kiss Kili again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

The following evening, there is a quiet knock on his door. It is late at night and Dwalin frowns at the interruption. He's in the middle of writing out a report for Council regarding the attacks, but he sets his quill down and moves to the door, pulling it open. The movement reveals Kili, dressed in loose clothing and bandages still wound around his neck. 

"Kili," Dwalin says, surprised because that morning, Kili had returned to his own rooms and had not asked Dwalin to follow him. 

Their truce is tentative, Dwalin knows that neither of them have forgotten the angry actions or hurtful words. He suspects that it will take time for them to forge a friendship once more, but he has renewed hope for a marriage. He had not thought he could forgive and yet, when faced with the possibility of _losing_ Kili, Dwalin finds that there is almost nothing to forgive after all. He is still deep rooted and unchanging in his love for Kili. It’s an alarming feeling, to know that Kili wields such power over him, but he’s not afraid, not anymore. Kili needs him, Kili has proven that even despite everything, he _needs_ Dwalin. 

He will not be so quick to betray Dwalin again . 

"I can't sleep," Kili says, swallowing hard and he looks down at the floor. His hand rests on the swell of his stomach and Dwalin's heart lurches at the sight because that is _his_ child inside of Kili, his child that someone tried to take from him. "I tried sleeping in my mother's rooms but..."

"Come in," Dwalin says, stepping back and he allows Kili to cross over the thresh hold. "We ordered extra guards for your chambers."

"I do not feel safe there," Kili says and his breathing is quickening. "I don't feel safe anywhere... except for here, with you."

"Then you must stay here," Dwalin says readily and he does not even have to pause to think about it. If Kili truly only feels safe with Dwalin, he will not argue. No one has ever felt safe with Dwalin before, this is a gift he cannot deny . "You can sleep in my rooms, with me. I mean, if that’s something you’re comfortable with."

"Please," Kili says and his body shudders in relief. He sags on the spot and Dwalin quickly steps forward to wrap a sturdy arm around his shoulders. He feels so fragile underneath his touch and Dwalin wishes he could destroy those dwarves twice over for putting such fear into the heart of his beloved. 

"You will move in here with me," Dwalin says decisively. "For the remainder of your pregnancy, I will keep you near. We will move your belongings in the morning."

Kili does not respond with words, but the way he shifts, turning his body into Dwalin's so he can rest his head against Dwalin's chest, Dwalin accepts that as an answer anyway. This is Kili saying yes, this is Kili being grateful to having Dwalin for protection. No longer will he protest about Dwalin being overprotective or controlling, he is _thankful_ for it. 

"I'm very tired," Kili finally says softly, but he makes no motion to move away. 

"We will retire for the evening," Dwalin says, stepping away in order to lock his doors and then he leads Kili into his bedroom. He will finish his report tomorrow, or perhaps never. He cares not for it anymore, his duty as Consort is not writing reports, it is supporting their King. 

Kili strips until he is naked and crawls into the bed, adjusting the blankets around him just so before he pauses and looks at Dwalin, who is frozen in disbelief at the sight he is seeing. Kili makes an aborted motion towards the clothes on the floor before his hand falls listlessly to his side. 

"What?"

"Nothing," Dwalin says and he can feel his face heating up, damn it. Kili had bared himself so easily in front of Dwalin. Does that mean that he's finally come full circle? "It's fine, there is nothing wrong."

“I just get… very warm if I’m wearing clothes and so I try not to,” Kili says and he bites his bottom lip. “If it makes you uncomfortable, I can put something on.”

“No, it’s fine. I want you comfortable,” Dwalin says because it’s true, Kili’s comfort really is his main concern right now. The swell of his stomach had called to Dwalin, though. The moment that bare skin had been revealed to him, he had longed to slide his hand along the expanse of it, reassuring himself that their child still lived. 

Kili doesn’t reply to him, but the way he curls up and closes his eyes is enough for Dwalin. Dwalin scarcely has the time to undress himself (although he leaves his small-clothes on) before Kili is already asleep, his breathing evening out and the tension in his face and body loosening. Dwalin steals into the bed beside him, but leaves a wide gap between them, giving Kili enough room to move around in his sleep without touching Dwalin. 

Everything feels so different now. It’s different in a _good_ way, though. Dwalin regrets so much that has happened between them, but this… he can’t regret the fact that Kili trusts him, that Kili is now seeking him out for comfort and protection. He would have spared him the attack if he could have, but there’s a small part in his heart that Dwalin will never acknowledge that is grateful. If Kili had never been attacked, he might not have ever come around to the idea of loving Dwalin, and Dwalin would have remained so angry at him for his betrayal and would have missed out on _this_ – Kili sleeping safely in his bed. 

He’s so beautiful that it’s a physical ache inside of Dwalin’s chest. He knows he should roll over and go to sleep, the morning will come early and there is always so much to do, but right now he is content to lay in his – nay, _their_ – bed and watch Kili sleep. He looks so much younger when he is lost to his dreams, and Dwalin prays they are nothing but good ones for Kili has already suffered enough. He lays on his side, gently smoothing Kili’s hair back so it doesn’t tangle in his sleep before he forces himself to withdraw his hand and close his eyes. 

When he wakes, his eyes are gritty enough for him to know that it is not yet quite dawn. Something else other than the faint ringing of the morning bells have woken him and when he sits up, he’s able to realize that it’s Kili. He’s still sleeping, but his face is pulled back in a grimace, his breathing quickening and his hands twitch at his side. He is caught in a nightmare and it breaks Dwalin’s heart to see the track of moisture on his cheek. 

“Kili,” he says softly, not wanting to startle him and he gently lays his hand against the warm skin of Kili’s shoulder. He gives him a gentle shake in an attempt to rouse him. “Kili, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

Kili jerks against him, his eyes flying open and he recoils from Dwalin. He knows that it's purely instinct, that Kili is not truly afraid of him and so he doesn't chase him. Instead, he holds his hands up to show he is no threat and waits for Kili to catch his breath and return to his side once more. It doesn't take long, Kili pants softly as his hands wipe away the remaining moisture on his cheeks and he presses closer. 

"I had the most terrible dream," he says, his voice still jagged from the wound and from sleep. Dwalin reaches over to his nightstand and grabs the tin of water, passing it over to Kili to sip at. 

"Tell me about it, if you want," he says, taking it back and setting it down. He adjusts the blankets around Kili's waist so he's properly tucked in and smoothes the hair back from his face. 

He never thought he'd be so good at loving someone. 

"They were cutting him straight from my belly, " Kili says, swallowing hard. "And I knew you were dead, there would be no rescue."

"It was just a dream," Dwalin soothes, but it is still a terrible image and he doesn't fault Kili for shedding tears over it. They almost lost their heir once, he is not surprised that similar thoughts haunt Kili when he is asleep and the most vulnerable. "He is safe, I promise. You both are, I swore a vow."

"I did not realize how much I wanted him until I thought I was losing him," Kili says so softly that Dwalin has to crane his good ear to hear him. "I did not know how much I wanted you both."

"You've got us both," Dwalin reassures. "You've got us both, and we aren't going anywhere, Kili. I promise."

"I know," Kili says, ducking his head closer in against Dwalin's shoulder and his blinks grow longer and longer. "I've known it for awhile."

"Sleep," Dwalin soothes, shifting until they're both lying in the bed and Kili is tucked up against him. Dwalin keeps one arm wrapped firmly around Kili, but his other hand slides across the bare skin of his belly. Kili murmurs something so low that Dwalin does not catch it before he's asleep. Keeping his hand against his stomach, Dwalin fights sleep until he feels that reassuring kick that all is well and then he follows Kili back into sleep.

***

The next morning, it is Kili's first Council meeting since the attacks. He's nervous, although he can't pinpoint why exactly. He knows that the dwarves who serve him support him, but there's a niggling thought in the back of his mind that there is a traitor in the heart of their midst, that someone is not to be trusted . He says nothing to Dwalin, though, for he doesn't want to rile the warrior up without just cause. Dwalin has proven himself to be exceptionally loyal towards Kili, he doesn't need to wind him up.

Dwalin gathers his large stack of documents and Kili follows him outside of their chambers. He supposes that it's still Dwalin's chambers, but Dwalin had told him that he would remain there for the rest of his pregnancy. Rather than feeling trapped and like Dwalin was being over-protective, Kili simply felt relieved. Relieved and safe. 

They're the last ones into the Council room and every dwarf rises from their chairs the moment Kili steps through the doorway. He moves to his chair and avoids eye contact, still unsure on how to feel regarding the dwarves that are supposed to have the Kingdom's - and his - best interests at heart. 

"It's so good to see you, Your Majesty," Balin says, unusually grim . "I trust that you are healing?"

"Yes, thank you," Kili says quietly. He has become accustomed to how raspy his voice is, but judging from the looks on their faces, it is still a terrible reminder of how close he was to death. "I am feeling much better."

"It is well to see you, indeed," Bain says somewhere from his left. "Imagine our surprise when we learned that not only did someone make an attempt on our King's life, but that he was expecting as well."

Kili flinches because although the tone was mild enough, he can sense the disapproval that's rippling underneath the words. It's true, he had never formally announced to his Council or to the Kingdom at large that he was expecting. It was something that should have been done much earlier, but Dwalin should have always been informed a lot earlier than he was. Clearly, Kili was bound to get this all wrong. 

"We chose to withhold that information," Dwalin says sternly and he reaches across the table to take Kili's in his own, twining their fingers together. They look like a unified front and it makes Kili smile. "It is something that has not been done in many years for Erebor. We wanted to ensure that it would be a viable pregnancy before we raised the people's hope."

"Well, it was still surprising," Bain says stubbornly. 

"I should have told you and I'm sorry for it," Kili says, squeezing his hand tighter around Dwalin's while his free hand moves to rub against his stomach nervously. "It's been an issue of fear for me, I will be honest. I didn't expect for anything to happen and like Dwalin said, we wanted to be sure."

"We are very pleased for you," Ori speaks up from where he has been scribbling next to Dwalin. 

"Of course we're pleased for you." This time it's Terin speaking up from across the table and he frowns towards Bain, his dark eyebrows furrowing low. "Our King is not only strong enough to survive an attack from a bunch of rebels, but he is strong enough to give Erebor an heir." 

"We are expecting our child by Durin's Day," Dwalin says, finally releasing Kili's hand and he opens his folder of documents, rifling through them. "We will be releasing a formal announcement to our people, the dwarves of Erebor , tomorrow morning, once we have drawn it up with Balin and Ori."

"We are pleased for you, Your Majesty," Bain says, and the smile he gives Kili seems sincere enough. "We are very thankful that you are alive."

"I will not be taken from this world so easily," Kili says quietly, his mind drifting to his uncle and brother, who have already been gone for quite a time, the longest Kili has gone without seeing them . He wishes that they were here to meet his child. "Not when there is still so much here that I love."

There's a murmur of approval from around the room at his words and finally the discussion turns to matters of the kingdom, Dwalin's stack of documents dwindling down further and further as he passes them around. Kili signs when he needs to and then finally the meeting is adjourned. 

"Balin, Ori, a word if you please," he says before they have a chance to file out with the rest of the dwarves. He waits until the room has emptied and then leans his head down against the table, completely exhausted. He had not expected such a simple matter as Council to drain him of all his energy. 

"How would you like this announced?" Balin asks. 

"I think it should be something triumphant," Dwalin says firmly. "We have not had a King bear a child in hundreds of years. It is something to take pride in, something to most certainly celebrate."

"I trust Dwalin's judgement," Kili says with a shy smile, before he ducks his head down. It feels odd to trust Dwalin so completely and yet, it also feels so _right_. Kili should have been trusting Dwalin for all these years after all. 

"I will write up an announcement with Balin's help," Ori says, scribbling on a scrap piece of parchment. "We will have it heralded every hour from every corner of Erebor until the streets are full of people celebrating ."

"For the first one, I suggest that we announce an announcement, if you will," Balin says slowly, stroking his long, white beard. "Gather as many dwarves as we can into the Great Hall. The people will want to see you."

"I don't want them to see me like this," Kili quickly says, shaking his head. He had come so close to death and while the assassination attempt was well known in Erebor, thanks to Dwalin's swift hammer of justice, Kili still did not want his people to see him with bandages wrapped thickly around his throat. 

"We will dress you in a high collared robe," Balin says. "From a distance, none of them will be able to tell. They ought to see your belly, though, lad."

"Very well," Kili agrees, pushing himself to his feet. "If it's all right with you, I will retire to my rooms to rest now. I am feeling quite tired."

"Of course," Balin says, giving him a warm smile. "Ori and I will handle everything. All you have to do is show up tomorrow morning, we will do the rest." 

"Thank you," Kili says before he hesitates beside Dwalin's chair, unsure of how to ask for comfort, something he so routinely denied Dwalin. "Dwalin?"

"I will rest with you," Dwalin says, pushing himself out of his seat and he rests his hand on the small of Kili's back. "By rooms, do you mean the king's rooms or...?"

"I mean my rooms, the ones I share with you," Kili says, feeling his face heat up and he knows that he's blushing, judging by the looks on Balin and Ori's faces. "Come to bed with me?"

"Aye, gladly," Dwalin says, moving even closer. 

There's a sudden tension between them that Kili never saw coming, but he's so thankful for it. It's the tension that should have been there as newlyweds, the anxiety and uncertainty, but the _desire_. Kili can now admit that's something he's feeling towards Dwalin and he's not fully convinced that it's just hormones influencing him. 

There is a sudden attraction to Dwalin that wasn't there before the attack. 

They're silent as they move through the hallways, winding their way back to Dwalin's chambers where guards are stationed outside. Kili doesn't recognize any of them but at some point, he knows that he just has to trust that Dwalin has control of his guards. The company cannot stand outside their doors every day, it's not fair to them. 

Dwalin locks the doors behind them and Kili strips his way on the way to the bed. He's still more cautious with Dwalin regarding his nudity, because he's not entirely sure where their relationship is destined to end up, but he certainly does feel a lot more ease around the older dwarf. Once he's crawled between the sheets, he rolls on to his back and watches as Dwalin enters the bedchamber and begins to undress slowly. He hesitates before he strips every ounce of clothing off, his cock swaying between his legs. Kili's mouth is suddenly dry, but he simply pulls back the covers and allows Dwalin space to crawl in. The sheets rustle as Dwalin lowers himself down on to the mattress and pulls the covers around himself. There's space between them before Kili shifts closer on the bed so he's able to rest his head on Dwalin's pillow. 

"Am I forgiven?" He asks softly because if they have any hope of truly moving forward, there will need to be forgiveness on Dwalin's end for Kili had hurt him most deeply. 

"I am not a young dwarf," Dwalin says carefully. "I am not under illusions that we will have a peaceful, strife-free life. That is not who you are. That is not who I am. However, I want you to swear on Erebor, on the life of our child, that you will never betray me like that again."

"I swear," Kili says readily, because it is not even something that he has to even consider. He will do everything in his power to never, _never_ , hurt Dwalin like that again. 

"Then yes, you are forgiven and we are of one accord again," Dwalin says softly, reaching up to brush Kili's hair back. 

Kili turns his head so he's able to press a kiss against the pad of Dwalin's fingers. Dwalin's finger still under the touch and so Kili kisses them again, moving further up until his lips are pressed against his wrist, his forearm, his shoulder. He doesn't stop tracking his path until he's able to press his lips against Dwalin's, slowly and carefully. Dwalin's mouth opens for him and Kili doesn't hesitate in deepening the kiss. 

He rolls closer so he's able to lean over Dwalin's body, bracing himself against Dwalin's strong shoulder and his bare belly brushes against Dwalin's skin. Kili can tell the affect that has on Dwalin for the older warrior suddenly shivers against him, a low moan slipping out of his mouth and greedily, Kili swallows it down. 

They lay like that for what seems like hours to Kili, just slowly trading kisses and gently stroking each other's skin. Nothing further happens, nor does it need to at this point. They are slowly forming the bond that should have developed after their marriage. It's comforting for Kili to know that he can just accept this now, that he can just bask in Dwalin's love. It's not something he expected he would receive, not after he has hurt him so deeply. 

"Forgiveness," Dwalin murmurs against his lips and Kili pulls back to look at him in confusion. "Your thoughts often show on your face. You were thinking about the past, weren't you?"

"I was," Kili confirms and his heart settles in his chest at the warm, intimate look Dwalin gives him. "Forgiveness, of course."

"Our future is much brighter," Dwalin agrees, nudging Kili off of him and down beside. He rolls up behind Kili and slides an arm around him, the span of his palm spread across his belly. "Now sleep, love. Our future is also a busy one and you still have much resting to do."

"Of course," Kili murmurs before he closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off into a mid-day nap, content in the love of his husband.

***

The next morning, all of Erebor is buzzing alive with the rumors of what the announcement could be. Dwalin has called every member of the company into his chambers, Dis and Bilbo included, so they may privately tell them before it is publically announced. Kili is lounging on a chair, dressed all in white and if you looked close enough, you would see the swell of his belly and the glow on his face.

He looks radiant, and Dwalin cannot stop staring. 

"Good morning," he says, because it's important to tell those most trusted this big news. Some, like Ori and Balin, already know but there are others, like Bombur and Dori, who are unaware yet. "We are announcing something to all of Erebor shortly, but we felt it best that the company was informed beforehand."

"It's not anything dangerous or bad, is it?" Bofur asks worryingly, his hat askew on his head. 

"I would say not," Kili says and there's a definite smug smile playing around his lips that Dwalin wants to just kiss away. 

"The truth is, Kili and I are expecting a child," Dwalin says, crossing the room to stand beside Kili so he can lay a hand on his shoulder, wanting to soak up his warmth. "We are to be parents, we will have an heir. It is a most glorious, fortunate thing."

The room is silent before the dwarves burst out in applause, all crowding closer to Kili so they may lay their hands on him and murmur their praise. Dwalin tolerates this for a moment before he clears his throat warningly and they all take a few steps back once more, leaving Dwalin alone to touch Kili gently. 

"We are... blessed beyond measure," Kili says and his voice trembles. Dwalin squeezes his shoulder gently to give him comfort, his husband has been so brave throughout all of this. "I thought I would be gone from this world, this child and I both, but Mahal has had different plans for our lives."

"An heir for Erebor," Dori says and his eyes are shining bright. He drops to one knee in front of Kili and Dwalin both, his head bowed. "You have done right by this kingdom. Thorin would be so pleased if he could see you both."

"Aye," Balin says, carefully lowering himself down to one knee as well and the other dwarves, even Nori, do the same. "You are the King that Erebor deserves, truly."

"Thank you," Kili whispers, pushing himself to his feet and he weaves his way through the dwarves, touching each of them reverently upon the top of their heads. "I thank you for your loyalty. "

They finally make their way to the Great Hall, the company accompanying them as a sign of respect. The company stands behind them, though, with only Ori and Balin stepping forward with Dwalin and Kili. Balin is to read the official decree while Ori holds out the scroll that he had painstakingly drawn up the night before. Announcements had already gone out this morning to announce the reading of the scroll so the Great Hall is packed to the brim with as many noble dwarves that could fit. The rest spill outside the entrance of it into the First and Second Markets, and truly it appears as if every dwarf in Erebor has turned out for the announcement. 

Dwalin ushers Kili forward, their hands clasped and the moment he is visible, the cheering in the crowd rises to a high volume. And when Dwalin takes their hands and thrusts them high up in the air? The noise only increases until it is deafening. Kili drops their hands and takes a step back, laughing. 

"The moment they started cheering, he started kicking," he explains to Dwalin. 

Dwalin grins at him and sorely wishes he could lean over and press his hand against the span of Kili's stomach, but to do so now would give everything away and Dwalin is excited to see just how the dwarves of Erebor will react to such news. 

Balin steps forward and stretches his hands outwards, his voice booming through the cavernous, stone hall. "Good morning!"

There's another round of celebration cheer before it dies down and every dwarf is looking expectantly up at them. Dwalin had been bolstered by the fact that the dwarves had so willing defended Kili with the rebellion and had said that they would serve no one but him. However, a pregnancy is something that they didn't quite bargain for, and it's something that hasn't really been done in Dwalin’s lifetime before. He hopes that the Great Hall doesn't remain silence after the announcement, he hopes they cheer so loudly that they all lose their hearing from such a grand noise.

"It brings us great pleasure to show you our king, King Kili, who survived an assassination attempt from the rebels, who were swiftly eradicated from our kingdom!" Balin reads and the dwarves roar their approval loudly. "Kili is a son of Durin, and they will not be defeated!"

"Especially not now," Kili says smugly, quietly enough for the company to hear, and they all chuckle quietly. 

"And it is our king's greatest pleasure to announce that the line of Durin will not be so easily broken! For not only is our king brave and courageous, it is my greatest honor as Royal Advisor to announce that come Durin's Day, King Kili and Royal Consort Dwalin will eagerly welcome their first child!"

The Great Hall is completely silent for a moment, one brief second that is long enough for Dwalin's stomach to swoop in panic before the dwarves of Erebor suddenly erupt until Dwalin is sure that the entire mountain is going to come crashing down over their heads.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

There is something exhilarating about a marriage based on love, rather than duty. Kili is so beautiful that it's a physical ache in Dwalin's chest, but now he doesn't have to restrain or force himself to pull away. These days, there is nothing stopping him from stooping down to give Kili a kiss before he leaves for the day or from putting his hand on the small of Kili's back in public. 

He's allowed to be affectionate, and for Dwalin who has never been a dwarf prone to touching, it leaves him in awe. Dwalin, the dwarf that was only known to ruin, has been trusted with the heart of the most important dwarf in Erebor. 

It has been two months since the attacks and Kili has entered the last trimester of his pregnancy. Erebor has flourished even more under the knowledge that the restorations aren't just for them, but they are essentially for the new heir, the prince or princess that Kili will give birth to in just a few short months. True to his requests, he has moved completely into Dwalin's rooms and doesn't seem to care that the true Royal Apartments sit empty. Even though Dwalin swears his safety in those rooms, Kili refuses to return to them. Instead, he has decided that they will undergo a renovation and become the royal nursery for their child. 

So in Dwalin's rooms they remain, which means Dwalin gets to wake up beside Kili every single morning. He always wakes before Kili does, before the first bell even rings, and is able to take the time to study this husband he's been given. Kili's only comfortable on his left side now, curled facing towards Dwalin with his knees drawn up as high as they can go before the large curve of his belly gets in the way. He looks so much younger when he sleeps and Dwalin regrets once more that he's had to endure so much suffering in his young years. 

They're getting something so beautiful, so worthwhile, out of it, though. 

They're getting a child, even a son if Kili is correct in his assumptions, but they're getting something else as well - a true marriage, a love that Dwalin, as a dwarf, can be proud of. They are a united front for Erebor, committed to the mountain that they fought so hard for. They've got each other and even though their path was rocky, Dwalin will admit it's been an adventure falling in love with Kili these past few weeks. 

He thought he had loved him before, but he did not know how much further he could fall until Kili began to reciprocate the feelings in return. 

"You're staring at me," Kili mumbles into his pillow, startling Dwalin out of his thoughts. He had not even realized that Kili was awake. 

"I'm sleeping," he retorts, closing his eyes but squinting them open just a tad, just enough to catch the tiny smile that crosses over Kili's face. 

"Of course you are," he says, before he sighs heavily and rolls on to his back, the motion rocking the bed slightly and he groans at the pressure on his low back. "I can't get comfortable anymore. I want to be done."

"You're almost finished," Dwalin says soothingly, inching closer to he's able to lay his palm against Kili's stomach. It is his favourite thing to do, especially in the past few weeks, because the baby kicks almost constantly. He knows that it's uncomfortable for Kili and doesn't give him much rest, but Dwalin savors the small connection with his child that he's been given. 

"The first thing I am going to do once he is born and I have healed? I am going to straddle you and ride you until neither of us can remember our names anymore," Kili groans out, shifting under Dwalin's hand. 

Dwalin immediately stills his touch for although they have become a lot more affectionate, even to the point where they will lazy kiss for hours, they have not strayed any further, mostly because Kili has not seemed open to that and Dwalin respects him regardless. Hearing such filthy talk come out of Kili's mouth though? That would certainly indicate that there needs to be a conversation had about this, although perhaps the words can wait for a bit. 

"Tell me more," he says, his hand moving lower, just a little, enough that he can still claim innocence if this goes awry, but low enough that Kili should understand that Dwalin seeks to bring him pleasure. 

Kili pushes the blankets off of his hips and he's fully erect. He turns his head on the pillow, his hair dark against the white material and gives Dwalin a smile that is pure sin. 

"I want you to open me up with your mouth," he says, nudging his hips up encouragingly. "I want you to lick me open until I'm a sweating mess and feel like I'm going to come right there. And then I want you to use your fingers, first one, and then two and three. Stretch me open with as much oil as you'd like so when you finally push inside, you just glide right in."

"Mahal ," Dwalin breathes before he lowers his hand and wraps it around Kili's erection, beginning to slowly stroke him. "I'll do it, I'll do it all," he promises, shifting down on the bed so he can press a kiss against the rounded curve of Kili's stomach. 

"And then you'll fuck me so slowly," Kili moans, his hips twitching on the bed. "I'll be so tight and wet, squeezing your dick just right. It'll be the best you'll ever have."

"You've already been the best," Dwalin murmurs, because even though there is so much he would change about the two encounters they've shared, being so intimate with the one that called to his heart was intoxicating and had felt like a brand new process, like Dwalin had been forged anew in fire and had never truly understood pleasure until Kili. 

He shifts further down on the bed and keeps his hand on Kili's shaft, although his mouth encloses over the head of Kili's cock and he sucks him down with a finesse that he didn't know he had . It has been years, many years, since Dwalin has tasted the seed of a dwarf on his tongue, but he wants to give Kili everything, bring him as much pleasure as he can. Kili groans and his hips twitch again, this time a little more forcefully so Dwalin uses his forearm to pin him down, careful not to be too rough. 

"Just lay back and let me take care of you," he murmurs before he ducks back down and sets up a grueling pace of sucking and stroking what he cannot fit in his mouth with the heat of his palm. 

It doesn't take long, Kili is a lot more sensitive to touch the further he progresses in his pregnancy and so it is only a matter of moments before his hips are stuttering against the bed and he whimpers out a broken warning before letting go. Dwalin swallows and he swallows before he pulls back and sets to work cleaning up the rest of Kili with his mouth until he's finally trembling and pushing Dwalin weakly back. 

"So good," he murmurs, rolling on to his left side and he blinks up at Dwalin, who has returned to the head of the bed and is sitting up, leaning against the headboard. 

Dwalin knows his face is flushed, and he's uncomfortably hard inside of his linen pants, but he was pleased to bring Kili pleasure and he's not going to beg for his own. He doesn't want Kili to ever feel obligated in that regard ever again. He shifts on the bed, reaching for the blankets and he brings them up in a show of covering Kili, but also managing to drape them over his own hips as well. 

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he says, reaching down to brush Kili's sweaty hair back out of his face. "You can always ask me if you need something like that. I'm your husband and it would be an honor."

"You know you can do the same," Kili retorts, snapping the covers back and Dwalin's erection is suddenly on display. 

"I would not presume - " he breaks off as Kili's hand is suddenly cupping him, applying just enough pressure to get his cock fully interested in these developments and his hips push forward as if on their own accord. 

"With me, you can always presume," Kili says with a grin and he pulls his hand away long enough to wiggle Dwalin's pants down low enough that he can draw his cock and stones out, rolling them in the palm of his hand. 

It wasn't always like that, but Dwalin isn't going to bring up the past any longer. Since the attack, they've made a conscious effort in leaving the growing pains of their relationship in the past where it belongs, especially since they both swore forgiveness to one another. Continuing to bring up the other's mistake will never see them as a unified front for Erebor. 

"Coals and hammers," Dwalin groans because it has been too long since he has been touched. With Kili occupying his bed every night, Dwalin hasn't even had a moment alone to himself and so he knows that it's not going to be long. The way Kili's nimble fingers stroke up the shaft of his cock to play with the head, his thumb rubbing gently over the slit? Dwalin shudders against the bed and presses his hips upwards, trying to seek more of the tight heat from Kili's fist. 

Kili strokes him steadily once he realizes just what Dwalin likes, creating a tight channel in his fist that Dwalin can fuck up into. Dwalin wasn't wrong, it doesn't take him long until he's gasping, hips stuttering against the mattress before his orgasm roars out of him, splattering his stomach and chest, even up into his beard. Kili blinks at him before he dissolves into laugher, reaching up with the corner of the sheet to help swipe it away. 

"You are too good with those hands of yours," Dwalin finally says once he has caught his breath and used the sheet to wipe up the remainder of the mess. He is sure the servants will talk as they launder their room, but Dwalin isn't too concerned. The very fact that Kili now sleeps and lives in Dwalin's room should be enough proof of the status of their marriage. 

It might have taken a couple of years, but they're finally here. 

Kili laughs before he sobers up and stares down at his lap, his hands twisting nervously in his lap. He clearly has something to say, Dwalin knows him well enough for that. He reaches up and covers one of Kili's hands with his own, giving it a light squeeze as he waits patiently, quietly, for Kili to share what is on his mind. 

"I'm afraid," Kili finally says and his free hand that isn't covered by Dwalin's goes to rest on the top of his belly. "I don't know what to expect giving birth."

Dwalin is silent for awhile because he's been preparing himself for this conversation, confident that it would arise eventually. Childbirth is a very serious event, especially since they lose more female dwarves that way then they should. For as hearty as they are, their dwarrows are just as hearty and take up much energy to come forth into the world. 

"I am sure you were once afraid of the quest as well, or of becoming king," he says slowly. "All of that was new to you as well, you had never done it before. However, you grew to learn and became more comfortable. I should think that childbirth, and parenting in general, will be much like that. It's the biggest quest we are embarking on, even more so then Erebor. It's an adventure."

Kili smiles ruefully. "It is truly the biggest adventure we have done yet. I am glad you are by my side for it."

"There is nowhere in all of Middle Earth that I would rather be," Dwalin says, tugging Kili lightly until he wriggles closer and is able to rest his dark head against Dwalin's chest. Dwalin runs his fingers through his hair patiently, untangling all the knots he finds. 

"I think about our lives, if Fili had not fallen, and we had not been wed out of duty ," Kili says quietly. "I wonder how our lives would have turned out and where we would be."

"Truthfully, I'm sure very far apart from each other," Dwalin says, thinking of red hair and a sharp smile, although he is sure that Kili once dreamed of something similar, yet slightly different. "However, in my heart, that is a truth I cannot recognize because the thought of not loving you is one I can't comprehend. You are my heart."

Kili flushes pink at that and ducks his head down, his lips grazing against Dwalin's nipple and he swallows the moan that wants to slip out. He is an older dwarf but with Kili, he feels like he could rise again and again in a single day. 

"We were a slow burn," Kili agrees, stretching and he rolls on to his back, his large belly aiding him in the movement. "I would not have it any other way, though. I will love you to the end of my days."

“And I you,” Dwalin murmurs, tangling his hand in the wild locks of Kili’s hair and he gently drags him up for another kiss.

***

It's a few weeks later when Dwalin is outside of the mountain, back in the forest with a group of soldiers. He had sent them on a brief patrol, having left them items to find to ensure how thorough they are in their patrolling. He’s leaning against a tree, patiently waiting with an hour glass, when he realizes he’s not alone. He turns, raising his arm to his axe is strapped to his back, but it falls to his side when he sees who his visitor is.

“Nori,” he says carefully, pushing away from the tree and he straightens up. “What brings you outside of the mountain?”

It’s a grim, cloudy day, with fat raindrops sneaking their way through to leaves to drip on Dwalin’s head. He wouldn’t be out here if it wasn’t for army exercise, so to see the smaller dwarf out here is a bit of a surprise. Dwalin still isn’t sure how to interact with Nori, things with Kili are so good right now that he would hate to misstep. 

Still, when Dwalin had needed Nori, he had come. He had slipped inside the homes of those of suspicion, and had pushed for the truth. He had aided in dark matters that Dwalin isn’t proud of, actions that ensured the safety of his husband, but still gave him discomfort. Nori had sat with Kili, being one of the few that Dwalin inexplicitly trusted. 

“Seeking you out, to be honest,” Nori says with a grin, and he pulls two biscuits out from behind his back, tossing one to Dwalin. 

Dwalin catches his with ease, the flaky pastry still warm against the palm of his hand. Nori must have nicked them from the kitchens and the thought makes him smile. He knows if Nori would just _ask_ Bombur for food, it would be given freely. With Nori, though, it's always more satisfying if it's snuck away from under someone's nose. 

"What could you possibly want with me?" He asks, his face reddening as the smirk on Nori's face grows wider. " _Nori_ ," he stresses, because he's not going to do this again, not when everything is better than he ever imagined it could be. Not when he gets to fall asleep beside Kili and wake up to have him still there. 

"Calm your beard, ye old dwarf," Nori says teasingly, taking a bite from his biscuit. Crumbs fall into his beard and without thinking, Dwalin reaches forward to brush them away. Nori's gaze softens and he takes a step back once Dwalin's hand has fallen to his side. "It doesn't have to be like this."

"I'm trying," Dwalin says quietly, looking away from the piercing gaze. Nori has always been able to see through him. "I won't hurt him, not again. It's not in my nature anymore, not when I love him as much as I do. I'm sorry if that pains you to hear, but it's true."

"Dwalin, it doesn't pain me in the slightest," Nori says and when Dwalin finally drags his eyes over to inspect Nori's face, he's relieved to see that he's still smiling. "I told you, I was never in love with you. It was only ever lust and the only thing I mourn is the loss of opportunity."

"I'm nothing special," Dwalin counters with a shake of his head. "You've missed nothing, and it's a relief to hear you say you aren't pained. There's something greater out there for you than this old dwarf."

"There's the whole world in front of me," Nori says, his voice suddenly serious. "Now that I've redeemed my reputation, I feel like there isn't anything I can't do. I feel like I could travel anywhere I want to without worrying about the law being two steps behind."

"Some days it was more like one," Dwalin says ruefully, and he brushes his hands cleans on the material of his trousers. "You're not wrong, though. You're a respectable dwarf once more, Nori."

"I'm leaving Erebor," Nori says in a quick exhale of breath. 

"What?" Dwalin frowns at this revelation. "Why? Whatever for? Aren't you happy here?"

"Dori and Ori are both settled here now, they're content. More importantly, they're wealthy and safe. I don't need to protect them anymore. I'm not used to sitting still in one place for too long, it's engrained in my very bones now, Dwalin. I need to roam the lands to feel joy, and I feel nothing here."

"Erebor is our home," Dwalin says, his frown deepening. "We fought hard for this, we lost kin for this. You're just going to walk away?"

"Peace, Dwalin," Nori says sharply. "Erebor is my home now, that will never change. I will return whenever I feel like it, and I am certain that will be often. I won't go long without seeing my brothers. However, I want to see the world on my own two feet now, surely you can understand that."

"I suppose," Dwalin replies grudgingly. "You won't stay for the birth of my child, though? You ought to meet him, the whole Company should."

"I don't need your permission, you're not my King, but I'll stay until then if it pleases you," Nori nods his head. "I will leave after that, though. I won't be gone long, I might end up missing here too much."

"I'm sure you will," Dwalin says stubbornly. "I can't imagine wanting to go anywhere else than here, not when Erebor is so glorious now."

"You and I are cut from different stones," Nori says, nudging his shoulder against Dwalin's. "And besides, you will be far too busy to even notice my absence. You will have your hands full with a little one. If he's anything like Kili..."

Dwalin grins at the thought, he secretly hopes the baby is dark haired like the one he loves so much. "You're not wrong," he admits with a laugh. "I fear I'm too old for this."

"No choice now, it's happening whether you like it or not."

"Oh, I like it very much," Dwalin says, a tendril of warmth curling up in his chest at the thought of having a family, of having a husband who loves him and a child who needs him. 

"I didn't want to leave at odds," Nori says, and he exhales slowly, tipping his head back so he can meet Dwalin's gaze. "With either you or Kili. I would part with all of us as friends once more. I know that things have been better, but..."

"It is not the same that it was before," Dwalin finishes for him, nodding his head. "Let me speak to Kili. I am certain that he will share your sentiments."

"From your lips to Mahal's ears," Nori says and Dwalin shouts with laughter. 

He doesn't get the opportunity until a couple of days later. It's mid-afternoon and Kili has just woken from his daily afternoon nap. His hair is still sleep mussed and he's naked, the bed sheet tangled down around his calves. He perks up when Dwalin enters the room though, his cheeks pinking but he does nothing to hide his nudity. 

“Have I slept long?” He asks. 

“Not overly so,” Dwalin replies, sitting down on the edge of the bed and it warms his heart the way Kili instinctively shifts closer to him. He splays his hand over Kili’s round stomach and leans in for a kiss. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Kili says, lifting a hand to cover another yawn. “Well overall, though. Oin seems pleased with my progress.”

“Good, I am glad to hear of it,” Dwalin says, rubbing his stomach gently. “Just think, you’re almost finished. Only a few more short weeks and you’ll be finished.”

“And he’ll be here,” Kili says, a look of satisfaction stealing over his face. “I can hardly wait. I feel massive.”

“You look beautiful,” Dwalin says swiftly. “I did want to speak with you regarding a sensitive matter.”

“Oh?” Kili raises his eyebrows and shifts, wedging his pillows behind his back so he’s able to sit more comfortably. “What is it?”

“I had a brief discussion with Nori while I was with some soldiers,” Dwalin says, carefully omitting the part where the soldiers were gone on an exercise. Nothing inappropriate happened, but he will not give Kili any reasons to doubt him. “He spoke of leaving Erebor.”

“Why?” Kili demands sharply, his brows instantly furrowing into a scowl. “After all he has done to upset this kingdom, and then I have publically apologized to him. Now he wishes to leave? Fine, I’ll be glad to be rid of him.”

Dwalin pauses for a moment, inhaling deeply, before he speaks in a calm manner. “You don’t mean that, my beloved.”

“Yes, I do,” Kili says sulkily. “He’s done nothing beneficial for Erebor since reclaiming it. If he wishes to leave so badly, we’ll send him off with fanfare.”

“He does not wish to leave on bad terms, nor is he leaving for bad reasons. He simply wants to travel while being a respectable dwarf. He has been denied that for the majority of his life,” Dwalin points out. “Surely you cannot fault him for that.”

“Denied by his own doing!” Kili exclaims. “I know you have a friendship with him, but honestly, Dwalin! Don’t act like Nori is a victim of his circumstances. He willingly stole and any consequences resulting from that is more than fair.”

“You’re not wrong,” Dwalin admits, his hand retreating and he idly plays with the hem of the blanket. “Surely, at any rate, you can understand that he wants to travel without the law on his tail.”

“That I will respect,” Kili says begrudgingly, although his gaze remains narrowed. “What does any of this have to do with me?”

“He wishes to part as friends.”

“We are friends,” Kili says, but his tone is unconvincing. 

“You’re not friends,” Dwalin shakes his head. “However, I know you’re both capable of changing that. Would you try, at least for my sake?”

“I’d do anything for you,” Kili whispers, and his face has softened back out. “Should we invite him to dinner? I don’t want anything long stretched with him, but I could handle a meal.”

“You’re not too tired?”

“I still have to eat,” Kili says dryly. “Trust me, there is one thing our son won’t let me forget and that is food. Invite Nori for dinner, I think we are free in two day’s time and have nothing else planned.”

“Done,” Dwalin says and leans in to steal a kiss. “Thank you, my love, for being so reasonable.”

“It’s what I do best ,” Kili teases and sinks back down on the bed, dragging Dwalin with him and there are no further words spoken that afternoon.

***

Nori shows up promptly at the sixth bell like he was asked, and his braids are carefully combed and in their peaks. He looks completely respectable and Kili finds himself slowly thawing. They’ve had their mishaps, but they’ve come so far, they all have. It would be a disservice to everything they’ve sacrificed to give up now.

“Nori,” Dwalin greets him warmly and Kili forces himself to step forward, closer to Dwalin. He doesn’t want to come off as possessive, but he is. All dwarves are. 

“I’m glad you were able to come,” he says, and it sounds sincere enough.

“My king asked me to dine, who am I to argue?” Nori says cheekily and he sits down on one of the long couches in Dwalin’s chambers. 

Kili sits down on the couch opposite of him and Dwalin hastens to sit beside him, soothing the rumble in Kili’s chest. Or perhaps that’s just his stomach, he is awfully hungry and the menu for tonight sounds delicious. He had ordered roast pheasants, mounds of creamy potatoes that are drowning in gravy, and thick warm bread to sop everything up. They also had to offer crisp, green beans that Bilbo had carefully cultivated himself in a small garden he was proud of. 

“I haven’t properly thanked you yet for watching over me while I was injured,” Kili says, and he reaches for Dwalin’s hand, entwining their fingers together for comfort. “You and I have had rocky times, but Dwalin trusted you in those times and you were there for me. I will not forget that.”

“You’re my king, as well as kin,” Nori shrugs his shoulders. “It is engraved on my bones to defend you.”

There was a time not that long ago that Nori pulled a knife on him, that Nori had full intent on harming king and kin. However, Kili is going to let past demons lie. It's better for everyone this way. 

“Well, I thank you nevertheless,” Kili says, straightening up as there is a knock on his door and then it swings open, servants bringing in trays that are piled high with steaming food. They lay everything out and then leave again, giving the three of them their privacy.  
Once they're sitting and the table and have begun to eat, Kili takes a sip of his water before he speaks. "Dwalin tells me that you're interested in leaving Erebor."

"I am, much to Dori and Ori's reluctance," Nori confirms, his eyes darting towards Dwalin and then away once more. "They wish to see me settled here, find a new trade. However, I wish to see the world lawfully before I do so."

Kili clears his throat uncomfortably because the matter of Nori not being settled in Erebor is mainly his fault. Nori _had_ been settled, he had been Spymaster and had done a fine job of it, until Kili had himself a tantrum and banished him. He had welcomed Nori back to Erebor, but he had not yet restored him to his position. It was a step he was unwilling to take, for Spymaster dealt in close confidence with king and consort, and there will always be that part of Kili that won't trust Nori's intentions towards Dwalin. 

"Where will you head first?" Dwalin asks. 

"The Iron Hills, I believe," Nori says, and his gaze slides over Kili this time. "Of course, I will wait for a bit because I would like to meet Erebor's next heir."

Kili smiles ruefully because he has a hard time believing that Nori cares at all for the baby he's carrying. This baby is more than an heir to Erebor, he's the son of Kili and Dwalin, proof of their union and now their love. He's the epitome of everything they've worked for, he's their greatest accomplishment. 

He's their salvation. 

"You don't have to wait," he says, smearing butter over a warm slice of bread. "We'd understand if you wanted to get your journey started before the weather turns bad."

"I have travelled in worse," Nori quips with a sharp smile. "There hasn't been a season I haven't run from yet."

"If you're sure then," Kili says, before turning the conversation to something lighter. 

He's not going to beg Nori to stay, and he's not going to give him back his position. Kili is willing to forgive him and forge their friendship anew, but he will not ever place Nori in a position of power again. Not every story will have a happy ending, there are tales that are simply resolved and Kili suspects that will be the outcome of his and Nori's. 

Friends, but no more.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, when this fic suddenly veered away from me and headed towards mpreg territory, I kind of just went with it, without thinking further down the line. Such as writing a birth scene. An mpreg birth scene. So, here we are. Yep, here we are. If there are any glaring inaccuracies, forgive me. I basically made this up as I went.

The moon still hangs high in the sky when Kili jerks awake, breathing rapidly. Something has disturbed his sleep, but he can’t pinpoint the problem yet. He struggles into a sitting position, squinting in the darkness for movement. Any time he wakes in the night now, he fears intruders, even though he knows he’s well protected. The amounts of guards outside of his chambers have doubled, and Dwalin slumbers beside him. 

In the final week of pregnancy, they leave nothing to chance. 

His breathing has slowed, but is still laboured due to the pressure on his chest . It makes him think back to how Khim had sat on his chest, the cold blade pressed against his throat, and how close he came to losing everything. He rests his hand against the swell of his stomach, the thought of Khim bringing back the nightmare he had the previous night. The images are still vivid in his mind; Khim splitting his stomach open, dragging his son out by his heels. He had raised the baby high in the air, the baby’s face puckered in a cry, before swinging and smashing him down against the stone, and there was blood everywhere. 

A pain that grows in its intensity brings him out of his reverie, and he gasps, clutching his stomach harder. That pain had definitely been in his stomach, it had felt like his innards were contracting so tightly they were about to burst. He exhales noisily through his nose as the pain fades away, and rubs his hand over his skin, trying to figure out how his baby is lying. He’s not due for another week, Oin has everything prepared for after they celebrate Durin’s Day. However, this pain is something he has never felt in all his months of pregnancy. 

He sits there silently, his hands pressed against his stomach as the pain comes and goes in waves. When it finally comes faster and faster , winding around to the small of his back and down into the back of his thighs, he realizes he should probably seek out Oin, because he is not prepared to give birth in Dwalin’s chambers. He’s almost certain that’s what’s happening here. He's been uncomfortable for the past couple of days, which he had just chalked up to being full term. He's had cramps on and off, nothing to ever concern him, nothing like tonight. 

Pushing the covers back, he tries to wiggle his way out of the bed as gracefully as possible, so he doesn’t wake Dwalin. He’s going to need Dwalin well rested for what’s about to come, and until he’s positive what’s happening, there’s no point in rousing the older dwarf. He will just go speak with Oin and consult his opinion on how he's feeling, and once Oin has confirmed everything is in motion, then he'll come back and wake Dwalin. Until then, he ought to let his husband sleep, because he was up late with a small army dispute. He needs his rest. 

Grabbing his robe, he wraps it tightly around himself and pads out of his bedroom, and out of his chambers altogether. Oin sleeps in a set of apartments that’s not far from him. He had situated Oin next to Gloin, because they are kin, but also because he desires to have his physician as close as possible during these last couple of months. The guards startle as Kili brushes past them, but he gives them a simple smile and continues on his way. The pain is building inside of him, and he wants to get off his feet as soon as possible. 

He’s finally reached Oin’s chamber doors when another pain grips him, causing his knees to buckle in its intensity, and he slides down to the floor. He turns his head to the side and retches violently, his hands trembling at his side. Saliva dribbles out of the corner of his mouth, and he lifts a shaking arm to wipe his face clean with the hem of his sleep shirt. 

“Your Majesty?” A guard asks, kneeling down beside him. “Are you all right? We have followed you to ensure your safety, but you seem in distress. What can we do?”

Kili’s certain that these guards have little experience with pregnancy in general, let alone a pregnant King, but he appreciates the concern. They are protective of his welfare, which means Dwalin has done well in choosing them to guard the Royal Apartments. He’s touched by their kindness, and also grateful for it, since he’s not fully certain he will be able to stand up on his own. 

“I need to see Oin,” he says, reaching for the guard, and is thankful when he is immediately offered an arm and helped to his feet. “If you could knock, and escort me inside his chambers, I would be most grateful. Dwalin…”

“Your husband is still well protected,” the guard hurries to say. “We left two guards behind to remain on watch, and the pair of us followed you.” He makes a motion with his free hand, and a second guard hurries forward to take Kili’s other arm. 

He feels a little silly as he rests on their arms, but he’s appreciative of the help when one knocks firmly on the apartment doors, and they’re shortly flung open. Oin is scowling, still wearing a sleep cap, but his expression softens when he takes in the view before him. 

“What’s the matter?” Oin demands, trumpet pressed against his ear. 

Another contraction hits him in that moment, leaving him immobile and breathless, as he fights to remain on his feet. He sways with the pain, and the guards tighten their grip on him. He can’t even bring himself to speak, lest he ends up sick down his front.

“The King seems to be in pain,” one of the guard says, and he squeezes Kili’s shoulder gently with his second hand. “Can you help him?”

“Tell me what’s wrong, Kili,” Oin says, throwing the doors open and he motions for the guards to bring Kili inside and lay him down on the long couch. He feels cornered and trapped, laying on his back, and with great exertion, he rolls on to his side, panting heavily. 

“The baby,” he gasps. 

“I want one of you to go wake Dwalin, tell him to come to my chambers immediately. Once you have done that, go rouse the Princess Dis, she ought to be here as well,” Oin instructs. “I want the other one to go to the medical wing, and tell the staff on shift that the Phoenix is taking flight. Can you remember that?”

“Of course, Dwalin and Dis,” one guard mutters, running from the room. The other guard is quick on his heels, whispering about the phoenix. 

Once they’re alone and the pain has momentarily ebbed away, Kili curls his knees up closer to his belly and says, “I woke with pains. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night due to nightmares, but for the past couple of nights it's been stomach cramps. They typically come and go, but now they’re only minutes apart.”

“Contractions, then,” Oin says matter of fact, reaching into his satchel and he pulls out a smaller, more detailed version of his trumpet. He reaches for the sash on Kili’s robe and unceremoniously pulls it open, rucking his shirt up so the skin on his stomach is bare. He lays the flat side of the trumpet against the swollen skin, listening intently. 

“It’s a week early,” Kili protests once Oin has moved away. He pulls his robe tighter back around himself, resting his hands on the bump. 

“Babies don’t care about timelines,” Oin says with a rueful laugh, before he sobers. “It’s why we lose so many of our mothers. The babies come late, and our mothers are not physically equipped to handle it. Majority of it happens out in the small villages that were constructed after Erebor fell, they don’t have the resources that we have here. It’s also why we lose so many darrows, they come too early and again, there is no proper medical care for them.”

This time it’s fear gripping Kili’s belly and he breathes heavily through the pain, twisting slightly on the couch, as if he’s able to shield his baby from Oin’s view. “That’s not going to happen to us,” he says, his voice trembling. “I’m going to have a healthy baby.”

“Of course you are, you have the best medical team and knowledge at your disposal,” Oin says gruffly, frowning at him. “It’s a week early, but with the contractions, I would say you’re ready. The medical staff is preparing your birthing room as we speak.”

“And then they will cut me open,” Kili says dully, because while he understands and accepts there is only one way the baby can safely emerge, the idea of it still terrifies him. It’s too close to his nightmares. 

“Aye, they will slice you open, pull the babe out, and stitch you back up,” Oin says patiently. “We have been through the procedure before, lad. I have even brought in a dwarf from the Iron Hills, one that specializes in male pregnancy. He is an expert! You have no reason to fear.”

Kili swallows hard as he nods his head, curling his legs closer to his chest. Another contraction hits him, gripping him violently and rendering him silent. He shudders his way through it, until it becomes too much, and this time, he does turn his head and vomit all over Oin’s rug. 

“I’m sorry!” He gasps, even as another bout seizes, and he spews once more, gagging loudly. 

“Rugs can be replaced, laddie,” Oin says, uncharacteristically gentle as his hand rubs Kili’s shoulder lightly. 

The door is suddenly flung open, thudding loudly against the stone walls, and Kili winces at the noise. Dwalin comes bursting through, still dressed in his linen sleep pants and without a shirt, clutching an axe in his hand. 

“I was told there’s an emergency!” He bellows, his gaze swinging wildly around. “Where’s the danger?”

“There’s no danger, so put that axe away,” Oin says irritably. “I need you to carry Kili to the medical wing, down to the birthing chamber we have prepared for him.”

“Birthing chamber?” Dwalin repeats, his eyes settling on Oin and they double in size. “But – surely – not yet! It isn’t time!”

“Is it time?” It’s Dis marching through the doors, her dressing gown flowing behind her, her braids piled high on the top of her head. Bilbo is quick on her heels, a worried frown on his face. 

“Yes, it’s time,” Oin says, brushing his hand over Kili’s head, but he doesn’t feel it. 

All he can feel is pain, burning pain that wraps around his back, draws down the length of his thighs, and in the deepest core of him. Everything hurts, more than it did when he was bleeding out, more than he ever has in sparring or in battle. This pain is like no other he has ever experienced, and he wishes he was dead. He cannot endure much more of this, and they have not yet even begun to cut. 

“Dwalin,” he pleads, reaching for the one that is safe, the one that usually rescues him from any pain. “Make it stop.”

“Soon, my beloved,” Dwalin soothes, but there’s a thin note of panic in his voice that he can’t quite disguise. If Dwalin is afraid, then it is terrifying, indeed. “Oin?”

“Let’s take him to the medical wing,” Oin decides, standing up from where he has been kneeling beside Kili. 

The world goes white as Dwalin scoops him up, his spine stiffening into stone, and he cries out at the sensation of being jostled. He blinks furiously, his eyes wet, trying to get his bearings. Once the pain has momentarily subsided, he’s able to see that they have left Oin’s chambers altogether and are moving down the hallway at a careful, but quick pace. 

“You are doing so well, my love,” Dis croons from beside him, her hands gentle on the side of his face. 

Kili finds comfort in her words, for if there is any dwarf that understands the pain he is experiencing, it is surely his mother. He turns as best as he can in Dwalin’s arms and seeks for her hand, curling his fingers tightly around her own. She gives him a light squeeze, and there’s suddenly a cool cloth on his forehead, mopping the sweat from his face. 

“Careful with the temperature,” Oin cautions, his voice sounding very far away. “As much as we don’t want him burning up with a fever, we can’t have him chilled to the bone either.”

“Sorry,” Bilbo rasps, the cloth dabbing at Kili’s forehead once more. This time, the cool water flushes its way down his neck to pool uncomfortable in the small of his back. Kili groans in discomfort and tries to shift in Dwalin’s arms, trying to move away from the water that feels like it was drawn from the mountain springs themselves.

“Too cold,” he murmurs as another contraction seizes. 

“Sorry,” Bilbo repeats, and the cloth that brushes next against his cheek is damp, but not sopping wet. 

He’s gently lowered down on to a firm surface, and he moans in pain as his tailbone rests against the surface. It’s not comfortable in the least, he needs his bed, or at least pillows, something to cushion the blows. He struggles to sit up so he can find something better, but hands carefully hold him down. 

“Peace, my love,” Dwalin whispers to him, pressing his lips against Kili’s damp temple. “This is the birthing table, I need you to lay still.”

“It’s hard,” he says, Dwalin’s face swimming in and out of focus. “It hurts.”

“He can’t have a pillow,” Oin says from over Kili’s right shoulder. “We need him as completely flat as possible. I’m sorry, Dwalin.”

“The pain is almost over,” Dwalin says, his voice trembling, and his hand tightens around Kili’s. “You’re doing so well, Kili.”

Something warm and wet is applied to his stomach, a firm hand smearing it around on his skin, and he struggles to sit up once more. “What’s happening?” He demands, the pain reducing the world to a hazy blur around him. “Dwalin!”

“Bilbo, I need you to move,” Oin snaps, and Kili hears further rustling around him. 

It’s terrifying that he’s laying here, helpless, relying on those around him to guide him safely. It’s frightening that he cannot focus on his surroundings, nor understand what is being done to him. He has endured pain before in battle, but he has never experienced anything as debilitating as this. 

“Those are herbs,” Dwalin says quietly, his voice soft in Kili’s ear. “Their purpose is to… Oin?”

“Dis, Bilbo, I need you both to move _now_ ,” Oin snaps, his voice coming closer, and then his weathered face is in Kili’s line of sight. “The herbs are for pain, and they will numb your skin so you won’t feel the blade.”

Kili stiffens on the table, remembering the knife against his throat, and how hot his blood had felt as it had spilled so freely from his body. He’s not ready for this, it’s all happening so fast. He pulls his arms away from Dwalin and wraps both of them around his belly protectively, the herb mixture smudging against his arms. 

“Kili, I need you to move your arms,” Oin says, pulling at a limb gently. “Kili, I need to work quickly!”

“Kili,” Dwalin whispers, cupping his face and he leans in to kiss him softly. The kiss feels so nice, it’s a gentle break from the pain, and Kili gladly opens his mouth for it. “Trust me, all will be well. I will not let harm come to you. You need to move your arms for Oin, though.”

He wants to trust Dwalin, he wants to believe the best of what is going to happen, but another contraction of pain grips him tightly, stealing his breath. Curling inward, he grits his teeth and groans low in his throat, lifting his arms away and Dwalin is quickly there to take his hands, letting him squeeze as hard as he wants. 

“You’re going to feel a pinch,” Oin warns, before there’s a sharp press of movement low on his belly. Kili gasps, but the feeling continues, and then he realizes it’s Oin with a knife, carefully cutting a slit in his side. 

There’s not necessarily pain from the cut, although the contractions are just as intense, and the smell of blood is hot and thick in the air. He’s struggling for breath, his anxiety growing. There’s firm pressure against his skin, and he can almost feel himself splitting open. When he looks at Oin, his kind features morph into the scowl of Khim, and he’s going to pull Kili’s baby from his belly and dash him upon the rocks – his vision goes white and he blacks out. 

When he comes to, he doesn’t know how long it’s been, but Dwalin is still holding him by the shoulders, and his mother is by his side, smoothing his hair back out of his face and instructing him to take deep, slow breaths. 

“It’s almost over,” she says. 

“I want to see,” Kili demands, because right now, his imagination of what is happening is far worse than what can possibly be going on. 

The herbs have numbed his skin completely, and so while he can’t feel the blade piercing his skin, he also can’t feel his son kick any longer, and there’s a moment of panic that everything has gone wrong, that everything he’s endured has been for naught. Dwalin carefully holds him by his shoulders and props him up a little so he’s able to look down at everything that’s happening. The amount of blood makes him feel queasy, but he forces himself to remember that he’s not going to die, that he’s in good hands. 

“Here we go,” the dwarf from the Iron Hills, the specialist that Oin had brought in, says. He reaches his hand inside of Kili, and it’s the oddest sensation that he’s ever experienced. He can feel pressure, it’s building and building, and then the dwarf is pulling out the baby with one hand, and the sensation is gone. 

Kili feels empty and hollow as he watches the dwarf cup his son carefully in his hand. He’s a smaller size for a dwarrow, just a bit longer than a hand, and he’s covered in blood and a yellow film. His face is puckered open in a silent cry, and Oin is quick to wipe his face clean. A piercing cry is suddenly heard, and tears spring to Kili’s eyes. 

“Dwalin,” he breathes, reaching out for the baby, but the dwarf turns away to a separate table. “Dwalin!”

“Oin has to stitch you up now,” Dis says, her voice firm. “You are losing blood, Kili. You need to lie still, please don’t move.”

“I’ll bring the baby over,” Dwalin promises him, his grip tightening on Kili. “Your mother is right, though. It’s almost over, lie still please.”

Kili closes his eyes and listens to the baby cry as his skin is tugged and stitched together. It doesn’t hurt, the herbs have done their job well, but it’s uncomfortable and he wants nothing more than to hold his son. Finally though, Oin steps back and nods his head, sweat dripping down his temple. 

“You’ll hardly even have a scar,” he says in satisfaction. “It might bother you for a bit, you’ll have to rest and heal or it will get infected.”

“The baby,” Kili says, because he doesn’t care about recovery and all that other business right now. He wants to see his son. “Dwalin, I have been very patient!”

“You have, my love,” Dwalin grins, pressing a kiss to his cheek before he lets Dis take over supporting Kili and he disappears from his side. He returns in moments though, the baby carefully cradled in his arms. Someone has wrapped the baby in a blanket of the softest green cloth, and Kili recognizes markings of the Shire stitches on one side. 

“Oh,” Dis whispers, and Kili has never seen her look so emotional before. Her eyes well up, and she reaches out one finger to gently brush it against the soft curve of the baby’s plump cheek. 

“We have a son,” Dwalin says in disbelief, carefully shifting the bundle into Kili’s arms, although he keeps around Kili’s elbow to give him balance. 

“I told you we would have a son,” Kili laughs, tears dripping down his face. “Hello, little one, hello!”

“Let’s get him more comfortable,” Oin instructs. “Shift him on to this pallet, and I want him carried back to his chambers to heal. He will rest properly there.”

“Bilbo will get the guards to carry him,” Dis says. “I will go and clear the corridor for privacy.”

“It’s the middle of the night,” Kili says, unable to tear his gaze away from the face of his son. “There won’t be anyone around.”

“Nevertheless,” Dis says, before brushing a kiss against Kili’s cheek, and then the baby’s. “Well done, my son. You have done… _so well_.”

“Thank you,” he murmurs, lifting a finger to trace the soft cheek of his son. He doesn’t have much hair, Kili had hoped maybe he’d have dark hair, but so far he appears quite bald. 

The other dwarves fade away as Dis and Bilbo leave the room, leaving Dwalin, Kili, and the baby alone together. Dwalin sits down on the table, helping Kili so he’s resting against Dwalin’s side, and he’s able to wrap both his arms around Kili and bracket him in. 

“You have made me so happy, and so proud,” Dwalin whispers in his ear. “You have given me such a beautiful son, I was not prepared for the amount of love I would feel for him.”

“I’ve loved him for so long,” Kili says quietly, his heart thumping loudly in his chest as he watches his sleeping baby. “I can’t believe he’s finally – safely – here.”

“Thank you,” Dwalin says, pressing kiss after kiss to Kili’s face until he reaches his mouth, and then kisses him so slowly and tenderly that Kili’s toes curl underneath the blanket someone has draped over him. 

“Thank _you_ ,” Kili says lowly against Dwalin’s mouth. “Thank you for loving me, and for loving him.”

“My heart is yours, my heart is _both_ of yours.”

***

The baby is nameless for six days.

It’s a bit silly, and even slightly embarrassing, in Dwalin’s opinion. Which, by the way, he will _never_ voice, because he’s not about to rile Kili up after everything he’s endured. They had known of the baby’s impending arrival for months, and Kili had been stone certain they would have a son. They should have decided on a name ages ago. They only have themselves to blame when Balin and Dis both frown in disapproval at their lack of readiness. 

“It’s hard naming a person, especially the heir of Erebor,” Kili protests. He’s sitting up in their bed, his back resting against a mountain of pillows, and the baby is sleeping curled up on his chest, his face pressed against the hollow of Kili’s neck. 

Dwalin wants his son to be known throughout the lands, and stories of his greatness to be passed down through the generations. He wants his son to have a fitting name, not one that only suits the little one, but one that will age well with him as he comes into his own as King Under the Mountain. 

“I like Dorin,” he says for the tenth time. 

After all the names they’ve discussed and considered, all the names that Ori has suggested after pouring through scroll after scroll, Dorin remains Dwalin’s favourite. It reminds him so sweetly of Thorin, and he wonders what his friend would think of this new little babe. He’s small for a dwarfling, but he has a sturdy enough cry, and Oin tells them not to worry. Thorin had once remarked that Dwalin would never father children, and Dwalin had expressed gratitude in that. 

He had never wanted a child until Kili. 

“And I don’t,” Kili says tetchily for the tenth time. He adjusts the covers around his waist, drawing them up so he’s able to cover one shoulder, while still leaving the baby free. His body temperature still runs cooler most days, and the baby hates to be bundled up. “I know why you like it, and it’s the exact reason why I _don’t_ like it.”

“It honours Thorin,” Dwalin says stubbornly. “Surely even you can’t find fault in that.”

“Of course I can,” Kili counters, his eyes narrowing into a glare, and Dwalin is not surprised in the least. Kili could find trouble in the simplest of things, if he really tried. “I’m not raising my son with that kind of burden. Growing up, people always expected us to be miniature examples of him, and we let them down continually. You were among that annoying count of fools, in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t,” Dwalin says irritably. He had not counted on Kili’s hormones to make him quite so difficult, although in retrospect, he probably should have. Kili is finicky at the best of times. It’s just his stubborn pride getting in the way, Dwalin is sure of it. It’s such a _good_ name, and he’s sort of already attached it to the baby in his mind. 

“It’s too much for such a small thing, especially since he is already destined to be king. It feels awful, actually, to know that we’re putting such pressure on him,” Kili sniffles and ducks his head down. “He doesn’t even have a chance at a normal life!”

“Perhaps he doesn’t,” Dwalin concedes, leaning forward to brush his finger over the rosy, plump cheek. The baby stirs at the touch, and at Kili’s warning glare, he quickly withdraws his hand, not wanting to wake him _again_. “He has the chance for a _good_ life, though, which not every dwarf can say for their child. He won’t have the normal childhood that you and Fili had, but he’ll be all right, my love.”

“I wonder what Fili would think of him,” Kili muses, lowering the baby to lay down between his spread legs. He’s able to unwind the blanket and pull it free, examining his ten little fingers and toes with a small smile on his face. “His hair is lighter than I thought it would. I was hoping for dark hair like my own.”

“So was I, but its early days,” Dwalin says, the tip of his finger brushing down over the baby’s leg. He’s so _small_ , compared to Dwalin’s large, tattooed hands. “It could darken yet, or perhaps he will be blonde like Fili was.”

“I wonder what he’ll be like,” Kili whispers as the baby begins to stir. He tucks the blanket over him again, swaddling his limbs down, and the baby immediately stills, lips pursed in sleep. “He’s his own little person, isn’t he? I know he’s small and new, but he’s going to grow up to be someone, Dwalin.”

“He’s perfect,” Dwalin confirms, and damn him if it’s still not overwhelming. He made this baby, he’s a part of Dwalin and a part of Kili, he’s the result of their love. He’s never felt so old before. 

“What about the name Fili?” Kili asks quietly, looking up at Dwalin before he looks back down at their son. “I wouldn’t mind honouring Fili.”

“It pains you to speak of him, even now still,” Dwalin says carefully, because something this large shouldn’t be decided on a whim. “Do you really want that?”

“Fili was born to be king,” Kili says, and there’s tears in his eyes once more. Dwalin’s heart turns over in his chest, and he feels like he’s falling in love with him all over again. Watching Kili with their son has solidified their relationship in a way that nothing else can. “Fili was meant to rule Erebor, and he would have been a _good_ king. Our son here is already blonde… perhaps Erebor deserves to have a King Fili.”

“Fili,” Dwalin says, turning the word over and over in his mouth. For so long, he’s associated it with the words _troublemaker, mischievous, heir, rascal, death._ If he tries, though, if he tries hard enough, and with time, he’s sure he can associate it with the only word that matters anymore – _mine_. 

“It would be good for me,” Kili continues, his hands reaching over for Dwalin’s, and he curls their fingers together. “It will be good to speak Fili’s name more. The pain lessens each day, and I’m ready to say his name with fondness. Plus, I think he would have liked it. He would have made a really good uncle.”

He would have, Dwalin won’t argue that. Fili had always been exceptionally good with the dwarflings in Ered Luin. He was a natural protector, and he should have had the chance to become king and prove his worth. 

“I really do like Dorin,” he says, leaning forward over the baby to steal a kiss from Kili’s lips, which have already opened in protest. “But if you truly wish to name him Fili, then it’s fine by me.”

“What if we name the next one Dorin?” Kili suggests, a small smile playing around his mouth, his cheeks turning as rosy as the baby’s. 

“The next one?” Dwalin repeats, leaning back and blinking. “I thought you swore this was it.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to practice,” Kili says, dropping his gaze, but the hint of a smile is still there. “And if something was to happen… well, every lad needs a brother.”

“The next one,” Dwalin repeats again, his mind suddenly flooded with images of doing this again, but doing it _right_. They’ll practice day and night, wrapped up together, and this time, Kili won’t lie to him. He’ll be open and honest with Dwalin, he’ll tell him right from the beginning. They’ll anticipate everything together, they’ll share everything. 

They’ll do it all over again. 

“Yes, the next one,” Kili says, and his smirk blooms into a full blown smile. He grabs Dwalin by the collar of his shirt and tugs him in for another kiss, this one swiftly turning filthy in a matter of mere moments. Dwalin curses Oin for forbidding them from any certain activities for the next six weeks. “I mean, if that’s all right with you,” Kili says against his mouth. 

“Of course it’s all right with me,” Dwalin says, pulling him closer. He keeps his arms wrapped closely around Kili, who scoops the baby – _Fili_ – up and holds him close, completing their little circle. He looks down at the husband that he has fought so hard for, and when he’s rewarded with a smile of pure love, Dwalin feels like he’s falling all over again. 

He can’t believe that he’s been given this; that they’ve been given each other.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it is all finished and the dust has cleared from the air, Kili is the only one left standing from the house of Durin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, it's finished! It's actually finished. I'm in awe of not only myself for actually finishing this monster of a fic, but the fact that so many of you stayed with me over this two year period, being supportive and loving and making me feel so grateful that I have such amazing readers. Thank you SO much to everyone; it's been a journey (although it wasn't unexpected LOL), and I'm so glad you've been on it with me. 
> 
> Also, as I was writing the end of this chapter, 'Love Runs Out' by One Republic started playing. It's not only the song where I got the title from, but it's also the song that was playing when I started this fic, and the song that has provided me countless amounts of inspiration. It made writing the ending feel that more special. 
> 
> Also, forgive me for the one Lion King line. La la la la, I can't hear you on how lame it is. 
> 
> Lastly, so many thanks to N9ne for being my beta, and for making this fic a lot better than it was when I wrote it. You're the best!

There's a headache building behind his eyes once more, increasing in its intensity as the baby cries also intensify. Gritting his teeth, he rolls over in the bed and pulls the covers up higher over his head. Dwalin had told him to stay resting, that he would handle Fili, who at six weeks old, is no closer to sleeping through the night. In fact, he wakes more often than not, these days, giving them only a few hours between each waking. 

He's just managed to fall back to sleep when a hand is gently shaking his shoulder wakes him again, and when he emerges from the bedding, Dwalin is frowning down apologetically at him. There's crying very close by.

"No," Kili groans, because he has _just_ fallen asleep. His entire pregnancy, and even before, he had thought of the baby in only terms of having an heir, of having a successor for Thorin's throne. He had not really stopped to consider what life with a baby would be like. It is more work than he had ever prepared himself for. 

"I'm sorry," Dwalin says, and he does certainly sound apologetic, but Kili can hear the nervousness in his voice. "He won't settle for me. I don't know what to do."

"Give him to me," he says, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He tries to not be frustrated with Dwalin, because it's not his fault that Fili seems to prefer Kili these days. He doesn't know if it's a newborn thing, or if it's because he is the one that birthed Fili, but either way, the care for Fili falls on Kili most days. 

"I'm sorry," Dwalin says again, carefully passing the bundle down into Kili's arms. 

"Hello, my little gem," Kili croons, blinking the last of the sleep from his eyes as he gazes down into Fili's red face. The moment he speaks, though, Fili's wails trail off into hiccups, and he blinks owlishly up at him. 

"Unbelievable ," Dwalin mutters, heaving himself down on to the bed beside Kili. "It's like he knows! I wear your robe when I get him, I hum the same damn tune that you do, but it's like he knows it's not you!"

"Of course he knows, he's a smart little gem," Kili says, beaming down at the baby. Most of the time, it's nice to be needed. "It's the middle of the night, though, little gem. You need to be sleeping. Your parents cannot be up all night with you. We have Council tomorrow."

"You think he's going to understand that?" Dwalin huffs out a breath of laughter. 

"Perhaps not," Kili concedes, as Fili opens his pink mouth in a yawn, a small fist in the air. "He _is_ smart, though."

"Of course he's smart, he's a Durin," Dwalin says proudly, leaning down and he gives Kili a kiss that lasts a little too long than what's appropriate in front of babies.

"Oy," Kili murmurs, his cheeks feeling slightly flushed. Oin had recently given them go ahead for anything physical, but between duties of the kingdom and Fili's inability to sleep, privacy and intimacy are a hard thing to come by. 

"He doesn't know," Dwalin protests, leaning in to give him another kiss. 

" _I_ know, though," Kili points out. "We're not doing _anything_ in front of our son! We'll traumatize him."

"He'll be asleep!"

"He's never actually asleep, I don't think," Kili yawns himself, lifting a hand to cover his mouth. "He just likes to trick us so we think he's getting any rest. He's a little monster."

"I still think we should hire a nursemaid for the night," Dwalin says quietly, a large finger smoothing down the pale fuzz that covers Fili's head. 

"We're not, and you might as well quit bringing it up, because it's never going to happen," Kili says, and there's a warning edge to his tone. "My son will not be raised by nannies, Dwalin. He will be raised by his parents, much like we were."

"It's completely different, and you know it," Dwalin argues. "I was raised by my parents, because neither of them were royal. However, I still had a nursemaid during the day, and plenty of tutors and instructors. You were raised by your mother, because life was different in Ered Luin."

"I will raise Fili like my mum raised me," Kili says stubbornly. "I don't trust anyone else in the Royal Apartments, and I certainly don't trust anyone with him."

"You are the King of Erebor," Dwalin says patiently. "You don't have the same luxuries that our parents did, my love. Your time and attention are demanded elsewhere."

"I may be King, but I am a parent first of all," Kili says fiercely, because he will fight anyone that dares to suggest the throne is more important than Fili. He may have reluctantly conceived Fili _for_ the throne, but now that he's here, it's so clear to Kili that there is nothing else more important in all of Middle Earth. 

"I spoke to your mother - "

"You did _what_?" Kili interrupts, whipping his head to glare at Dwalin. 

"Peace, my love! Hear me out!" Dwalin says quickly. "I spoke to Dis, and she knew of several dams that would make excellent nursemaids. They have raised their own dwarrows, and they know what they are doing."

"I believe I was _very_ clear, but apparently I will need to spell it out for your thick head," Kili snaps, holding Fili closer to his body. Why can't Dwalin just understand and accept that Kili doesn't want a stranger raising their child? After he nearly died, he's not about to let any dwarf that isn't a family member, or a part of the company, near their child. 

He is risking _nothing_ when it comes to Fili. 

"I know you're nervous because of the attack," Dwalin soothes, lifting himself up to brush his lips against Kili's cheek. "I'm nervous as well, you know. I love Fili as much as you do."

"Impossible," Kili sniffs, because nobody can love Fili more than he does. He knew of Fili months before Dwalin did, he sacrificed himself every day for the well being of Fili, and he continues to do that. Dwalin may love him as his father, but he will never love Fili the way Kili does. 

"Well, I love him, regardless of how much you believe," Dwalin says crossly, because it's a sensitive subject when Kili questions the amount of love . He knows it bothers Dwalin, but he can't help but bring it up during important times like this. "I wouldn't accept just anyone guarding him. You need to rest, not only so you're able to perform your duties as king, but also so you can rest. You've had a restless year, my love."

"If I say something, will you please accept my word for what it is, and never bring this up again?" Kili asks quietly, looking down at Dwalin. "I will not accept a nursemaid for Fili, not now, not ever. He is my responsibility, and I will do it, regardless of what it costs me. You might think I am being impractical, but I won't bend, not on this, Dwalin. So, if you truly love me, you will let this matter go."

Dwalin studies him carefully, and Kili meets his gaze evenly. He's no longer afraid of Dwalin's wrath, or fearing that Dwalin will leave him. They have had blissful months together since the assassination attempt, and their love has grown, burying the roots deep . Kili trusts Dwalin with everything that he has, and knows that Dwalin feels the same towards him. 

"Very well," Dwalin finally concedes, shuffling down on the bed. "I will speak to your mother tomorrow and tell her that we're not interested."

"If she's so concerned about our rest, she can take Fili for a night," Kili says, yawning again. 

He looks down, relieved to see that Fili has finally fallen asleep, and he carefully lays him down on the bed beside him, stuffing Dwalin's pillow between Fili and the edge of the bed so he won't fall off. Dwalin looks cross at the lack of his pillow, but lays down regardless and closes his eyes, pillowing his head against his arms. Kili isn't the only one that will sacrifice much for Fili, and it brings him immense joy to watch Dwalin with their son. 

He had seen Dwalin's kindness before, but he had never seen Dwalin with something so delicate, and it amazes Kili every day to see how careful his warrior is with something so precious. 

"There's a grand idea," Dwalin murmurs with his eyes closed. "Your mother can watch him for the night, and we can finally have some time alone."

"Yes, but I'm sure even then I won't be getting much rest," Kili says mischievously, rolling his back to Fili so he's able to curl up against Dwalin, sliding an arm around him. 

"No, I daresay you won't get any rest at all," Dwalin confirms, dipping his head down for a slow kiss. "If anything, you'll be more tired in the morning than you usually are."

"Sounds like a promise," Kili sighs, already thinking of ways to convince Dis to take Fili for the night. 

He's missed his husband. They hadn't done anything too advanced while he was pregnant, partly due to how uncomfortable Kili was, and partly because Dwalin had been afraid of hurting him or the baby. It's only now that they're able to actually do anything, and while Kili is excited enough to make plans for it, he's also nervous. He's only slept with Dwalin twice, and both of those times were under the impression of conceiving an heir. 

He's never slept with his husband due to desire. 

"The very best promise," Dwalin says, pulling the covers up and he tucks Kili in. "Now sleep, my love. Your little gem is going to be awake before you know it."

"Ha, my little gem," Kili snorts, tangling their legs together underneath the furs. "He belongs to both of us, you know."

"If you refuse a nursemaid, then before sunrise, he's your son ," Dwalin teases, giving him a final kiss. "Goodnight, my love."

***

It takes a couple more days than Kili had hoped for, but he eventually makes an arrangement with his mother to keep Fili overnight. She's beyond thrilled, assuring him that she will be completely fine and that he has absolutely nothing to worry about. Bilbo will help her in the evening, and then she will be just fine during the hour nights to feed and cuddle as necessary. He's still nervous to leave Fili with someone other than himself, but for the sake of his marriage, it's important.

Now it's been almost an hour since he's been waiting, and finally the door to their chambers open and Dwalin walks through, carrying a stack of documents. He freezes in the doorway, and his jaw drops open. Kili smirks in satisfaction from where he's laying on one of the chaises, completely naked. 

"Um," Dwalin says blankly, before looking behind him and then back at Kili. "What is going on?"

"What does it look like?" Kili drawls, pushing his hair back. "You might want to close the door."

The door closes shut slowly, and Dwalin drops the stack of papers with a thud on a table. "It would appear that you are naked in our chambers in the early evening, and our son is nowhere to be seen," Dwalin says, frowning slightly. "I appreciate the view, don't mistake me, but I have a few questions."

"You're kind of ruining the mood," Kili huffs, rolling his eyes. "Fili's with my mum, she agreed to keep him for the night. I'm here to seduce you!"

"Consider me seduced," Dwalin grins, moving closer to the chaise. Kili rises up on his knees and reaches for him, winding an arm around Dwalin's neck. 

"This is more like it," Kili murmurs against Dwalin's lips. "You had mentioned that intimacy was hard to find."

"And yet you seem to have found some." Dwalin slides his hand underneath Kili's thighs and lifts, carrying Kili into their bedroom where he's able to throw him down on their bed. He stands by the foot of the bed and slowly begins to undress, letting his clothes fall to the floor, and he doesn't break his gaze away from Kili's. 

Kili's throat feels dry as he watches Dwalin strip himself bare. It's almost unfair how Dwalin has gotten even more handsome over the past couple of months, while it seems like Kili's own attractiveness has declined. His stomach is softer than it ever has been, and he keeps one arm draped casually around it. Dwalin knows him too well, though, because he crawls on to the bed and slowly pulls Kili's arm away.

"You're perfect," he murmurs, ducking his head down low to press his lips against Kili's scar. It's healed, but still sensitive, so the sensation causes him to shudder, inhaling sharply. 

"I'm hoping that will eventually tighten back up once I'm able to do more," he says, rolling on to his knees so he's able to tower over Dwalin, sliding a hand into the coarse tangles of his beard. 

"I don't care either way," Dwalin says, and Kili would be a fool to miss the honesty in his voice. "You're so beautiful to me."

"I love you," Kili whispers, swallowing hard. He leans down and kisses Dwalin before he's able to respond, wanting to be as close as possible to him. 

Dwalin opens his mouth underneath him, and Kili is able to lick inside, curling their tongues together so slowly that shivers break out along the length of his spine. One of Dwalin's hands trail down his back, brushing over his ass, and Kili shivers again. 

"We've never done this before," Dwalin says once they've parted for breath. 

"Fili's existence is a mystery then," Kili drawls, although he knows what Dwalin means. It's not their first time together, but it does feel like it. His stomach is a jumble of nerves, desire, and a hint of fear. 

" _Kili_ ," Dwalin says, exasperated, and Kili can't help but kiss him again. "That isn't what I meant at all."

"You're _sure_ I can't conceive, right?" 

"You can't conceive without the potion, Oin assured me," Dwalin says patiently. "There's a very rare chance that you can, but I promise that you won't. Your body is still healing."

"My body is properly healed," Kili says, swinging one leg over and he settles himself down into Dwalin's lap. 

"Let's test your limits then, shall we?" Dwalin says with a wicked curve to his smile, and he leans up to kiss Kili once more. 

His hand rubs the muscles in Kili's back, disappearing for a short while before they come back to rub again, and this time Kili feels the slick of oil sliding on his skin. It feels relaxing, though, and so he remains in Dwalin's lap, lazily exchanging kisses with him. 

Dwalin reaches around and wraps his hand around Kili's cock, stroking it to hardness and with the oil slicking the way, Dwalin's grip feels like pure velvet. Kili groans, dropping his head back and he stares up at the stone ceiling, trying to think of thoughts that will help him prolong the inevitable. He's still been incredibly easy to arouse since giving birth, that's something that hasn't changed after pregnancy. 

"You feel so good in my hand," Dwalin murmurs, littering Kili's pale neck with kisses. "You'll tell me if you don't like something, right?"

"I hardly think there is anything you can do to me that I would not like," Kili confesses, his breath hitching as Dwalin twists his fist just right on the upstroke. He can feel Dwalin's length pressed against his thigh, burning hot. 

"I just want to make sure," Dwalin says, and there's suddenly one finger behind him, slowly breaching Kili in the most intimate of places. It's a different angle, being on Dwalin's lap while it happens, but he relishes the fact that they can keep eye contact, and he's able to see every emotion that passes over Dwalin's face as he slowly opens Kili with one, then two, and finally three fingers. 

"Mahal," Kili pants, driving his hips backwards in order to seek out more. "What is taking you so long? I'm _ready_ , Dwalin, I've been ready for so long..."

"Patience, beloved," Dwalin murmurs against his mouth, giving him a slow, deep kiss. He licks into Kili's mouth, wrapping an arm around Kili's lower back and drawing him up and even closer. 

When his knees begin to get a bit sore from the position and he starts to sink down, he wrenches his mouth away with a shout as he realizes Dwalin's slowly lowering him down on to Dwalin's cock. Dwalin's hands grip his hips, easing him down slowly so he doesn't go too fast, and inch by inch he sinks down until he's fully seated against Dwalin's lap. 

He's never felt so full in his life. 

How could he have ever been afraid of this? He knows that in hindsight, his response to Dwalin in the beginning wasn't wrong. He was hurt and grieving, and he felt taken advantage in every aspect of his life, he didn't need to complicate it further with sex. And then when sex was necessary, it was solely because they were trying to conceive an heir so their marriage wouldn't be pointless. 

Now, though, now they're able to join together for something greater than Erebor , for something called love. It intensifies the pleasure in a way that nothing else has before, Kili doesn't know if it's the angle of Dwalin's thrusts, or just the fact that he trusts this dwarf with everything he has, but he's never felt like this before. He feels stretched tight like a bow, drawn taunt, and he arches his back as he moves against Dwalin.

Dwalin's hands cradle his waist, using his strength to help him fall and rise, until Kili can't even remember his own name. Dwalin keeps one hand against his waist to steady Kili, but the other hand drops to Kili's cock, and he begins to stroke it in time with his thrusts. Kili digs his fingers into the meat of Dwalin's shoulders as the pleasure builds inside of him, tightening until it suddenly bursts free, racing through every nerve in his body until he collapses against Dwalin, a shivering, shuddering mess. 

"Mahal," Dwalin breathes, his thrusts increasing as he seeks his own pleasure. He coils the hand that had been wrapped around Kili's cock into his hair instead, tipping his head back so he's able to press his face against the curve of Kili's jaw, inhaling deeply as he spills inside of him. 

"I love you," Kili murmurs, sagging against him, exhausted of all his energy. "I love you, and we are doing that thrice more before sunrise."

Dwalin laughs, easing himself out of Kili and he grabs the corner of the furs, wiping them both clean. "You're ambitious, my love," he says, settling Kili down on the bed. 

"No," Kili says, feeling lighter than he has in all of his years. "I am simply making up for lost time."

***

****

Five years later...   


It's early morning, the first bells haven't even rung yet, and Kili is curled up under the blankets, dozing in and out of sleep. There's a firm warmth pressed against his back, where Dwalin is sleeping beside him. The bed suddenly jostles roughly, and then there is a piercing shriek right in his ear, causing Kili to fly up into a sitting position. 

"Fili! I warned you yesterday!" 

A blond head peeks up from the foot of the bed, and there's an impish grin on his son's face. "That was yesterday!"

"You need to stay in bed until it's morning," Kili grumbles, but he reaches for Fili and tugs him up the bed so he can snuggle him. "You can't wake us up this early, gem. You need to be quiet, or you're going to wake the others."

"It _is_ morning," Fili grumbles, his legs kicking as he squirms to get under the blankets. 

"What is it?" Dwalin grouses, rolling over and he scowls down at them. "Again? Fili, we talked about this!"

"He's young," Kili says, snuggling back against his pillow. "Go easy on him, Dwalin."

"Coals and hammer ," Dwalin rolls his eyes and purposefully rolls over so his back to the pair of them. "I'm going back to sleep. Stop babying him."

"But he is a baby," Kili protests sleepily, cuddling up against Fili. 

"I'm not a baby!" Fili shouts, throwing himself over Kili's body and he slides to the floor. "Get up! You promised we'd go hunting today!"

"I said maybe this morning we would go outside of the mountain," Kili groans, shoving his head under the pillow. "It's not morning yet, Fili! Go back to bed!"

What had life been like when he could sleep for as long as he had wanted? Those days seem so long ago. He used to be able to nap in the afternoon if he wanted it, he used to be able to tell Balin to hold everything, because he wanted to sleep in. He had spent hours of his day with the Council, working on various matters of the kingdom, and then he'd escape outside and hunt with Dwalin. 

Now, he's lucky if he's able to sleep until sunrise, typically Fili is in their bed before then. They've tried working with him, but Kili doesn't have it in him to be the disciplinary type, if he's honest with himself. Dwalin tends to be firmer with their son, but even he caves at those baby blue eyes. And with recent events, they seem to get even _less_ sleep these days, even though Kili didn't think it would be possible. 

"I don't _want_ to go back to bed! I want to go hunting!"

"For the love, just take him already," Dwalin moans, pulling the covers up over his head so his voice is muffled. "I want to sleep."

"You're lucky I love you," Kili mutters, shoving the covers back and he crawls out of the bed. He dresses quickly as Fili bounces by the door, and then drags his son out of his chambers and into the nursery so he's able to dress Fili properly, because he doesn't want him to be cold when they go outside. 

"Let's go, let's go!" Fili enthuses, pulling on door handle for his bedroom. "The morning is almost gone!"

"The sun isn't even up yet, gem," Kili says, following Fili outside of the nursery chambers. They take a quick detour to the weaponry so Kili is able to grab his bow and a quiver of arrows. Fili screeches in delight when the guard hands him his miniature bow, and he clutches it to his chest. 

Much to Kili's surprise, once they get downstairs to the gate, Dwalin is waiting by the stone wall, wearing the thick harness they had had made. 

"Adad!" Fili screeches, running full speed ahead and he throws himself at Dwalin's legs, clambering up to his waist. "You're up!"

"This is a surprise," Kili grins, leaning up to give Dwalin a brief kiss. "What made you get up?"

"I can sleep tonight," Dwalin shrugs his shoulders. "Fili seems so excited to go out, and I didn't want to miss a moment. Besides, with all the commotion, someone else woke up."

"You're the best," Kili says quietly, leaning in to give him another kiss. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Well..." Dwalin trails off, giving him a wink. 

"Forget I ever asked," Kili says, rolling his eyes. He steps around to behind Dwalin, grinning at the sight of six month old Dorin strapped in the harness. He's bundled up, complete with a hat on his head that Bofur had made him, but Kili's unable to stop himself from swooping in and giving him a kiss. 

Dorin beams and screeches loudly, causing Dwalin to wince. 

"I'm going to lose my hearing in both ears, if he keeps that up," he mutters. 

"I'll take him in a little bit," Kili promises, giving Dorin another kiss on his plump cheek, causing him to kick his legs in glee. 

"Stop kissing, let's go!" Fili pleads, already holding up his miniature bow. There’s nothing Fili loves more in the world than his baby brother – save for his bow and arrow. Something warms burns fiercely inside Kili’s chest when he sees Fili and Dorin together, something that feels a lot like home. "Please?"

"All right, little gem, let's go," Kili says, heading outside and his family eagerly follows behind him. 

Kili would wager that they're the most unconventional family that Erebor has ever seen, but he's more than fine with it. It had taken him and Dwalin some time to find their stride, but now they're stronger than ever. Erebor has never flourished as well as it is now, and they have two strong sons. 

There was a time when Kili had begged to be returned to the stone, where all he had desired was to see the light of Mahal's Halls, but now, when he looks around and sees everything he has, the future has never looked brighter .


End file.
